Because I had some time to write, I decided to post chapter three early. Since, I don't have the time to answer all your reviews by pm, I will try my best and answer questions in the A/N's before each chapter.

Is Christian into BDSM ? - Yes, he was introduced to it by Elena, just like in the books.

Is Ana doing drugs? - No, that's not why the guys came to her room

Is Ana a secret agent? - I love the idea, but no she's not. She went to Europe because she always wanted to travel through Europe on her own...

Is Ana in the publishing world yet? - No Ana has decided to go back to college and make her masters degree

Is Ana trying to become a tattoo artist and those guys were there to teach her? - No to the tattoos, but those men may or may not have been teaching her something ;-)

And of course, why did she have all those men in her room - well, still not going to reveal it just yet, but maybe this chapter will give you some clues. What I can say is, that actually it is a really sweet thing she is doing and something that will help her to overcome a traumatic event in her past, which her family and friends didn't see as traumatizing, but it has left Ana with some serious issues as an aftermath...

Ana

" ... so Anastasia, after you told me all about your journey and the progress that you have made, why don't we come to what is really bothering you. For the last 45 minutes you seemed completely distracted."

I look up and glare at John Flynn. I've met him because he is Christian's shrink for years and three months before I went to Europe I decided that it was time for me to face my own demons and had my first appointment with him. I haven't told anyone and right now for the first time I hate that I ever decided to come here. It's like he can read me like an open book.

"Anastasia, I am here to help you, but in order to do so you have to be open with me."

"Fine, but you can't tell anyone!"

"You know I would never discuss anything you tell me with anyone else."

"Have you seen Christian this week?"

"No, in fact he is my next appointment."

"Great teach him not make stupid ass assumptions and walk all over other people's feelings." I mutter and he raises one brow, indicating that now he is really curious.

"What has he done to you?"

"First, he has put security on me the entire time I was in Europe."

"Oh, really?" John says and I have to laugh.

"Yeah right, you are a terrible liar John, so you knew that?"

"Again, I can't discuss what my other patients share with me Anastasia. So, please go on."

"Fine, so now he thinks that I had sex with all of those guys who came to my hotel rooms while I was traveling and he called me a slut and that he can't even look at me anymore." I explain to him and of course I start to cry again just thinking about the look on his face when he told me this. John hands me a box of tissues and I take one.

"Have you tried to explain it to him?"

"No, fuck him, if he thinks I'm a slut then so be it. And anyway what kind of medieval double standard is it that he calls me a slut because he thinks I had sex with some guys and at the same time he can sit with my brother and Elliot, listening to them going on about all the girls they have fucked and joking about it." Shit, now I'm getting angry again.

"Well Anastasia, you are right, it is a double standard that while men can have as many sexual partners as they like women still have to live with the stigmata of being a slut. But what is more important is that you are not one of those women and you could easily explain it to Christian."

"Why? Why do I have to explain myself? And anyway, he could still kiss me thinking that I'm a slut."

Hearing this John's eyes nearly pop out of his head. "He kissed you?"

"Yes, I kind of told him that I think he is gay and he grabbed me and kissed me."

"Did you have a panic attack?" he asks and I hate that he is going there.

"No, it ... it felt good. And also it happened so fast I didn't have any time to think, but it doesn't matter, he thinks I'm a slut and I am not going to try to convince him overwise."

"Why?"

"Are you kidding me, he knows me all my life, John. If he can even think of me this way then he doesn't deserve the truth and also I'm still not sure if I can go through with what I want to do and him or anyone knowing is just going to make me feel pressured into doing it and then it might end up becoming a total disaster." I stop and take some deep breaths, shit my palms are sweaty and I find it difficult to breathe.

"Anastasia, just focus on your breathing, there is nothing to worry about. This decision is solely yours and if you feel you are not ready in five weeks from now then you don't have to do it. There is no pressure on you to do anything you are not ready for." John's calm voice comes through to me and slowly I calm down again.

"Do you need a glass of water, Anastasia?"

"No, thank you John, I'm good. I need to leave, I'm meeting with a real estate agent, I'm going to move out and want to look at some apartments here in down town."

"Good, but I want to see you again next week. Clearly your panic attacks are still a problem for you and while I am still thinking you should at least tell your parents about it, I do understand that you need time."

I smirk at him, this is his way of telling me, you can't deal with everything on your own, Anastasia. But, the last thing I need is my parents knowing about my panic attacks. I haven't kept them a secret from anyone since my freshman year in highschool only to bring it up now.

I leave his office and ask his secretary for an appointment next week. "Is Tuesday at 2 pm fine with you, Miss Steele?"

"Yes, that's perfect. Bye Mona" I smile at her, turn around open the door and nearly bump into Christian who was about to enter the office.

"What are you doing here?" he snaps and that pisses me off again.

"That's none of your business, Christian." I snap back.

"I think it is, because John is my shrink!"

"Oh my god, really, well newsflash, you are not the only one with problems in this world Christian and now if you excuse me, I have an appointment."

"Getting laid by some random guy hardly qualifies as appointment, Anastasia" he says contempt dripping off his words and before I know what I am doing my palm lands with a loud smacking noise on his cheek and I have hit him hard enough to turn his head.

For a few awful seconds we just stare at each other both shocked. Oh my god, did I really just do that?

"I ... I didn't ... I ... " shit, I can't even form a single sentence, oh damn, why do I always act first and think later?

"Don't, I think now all is clear" he walks past me and slams the door to John's office shut. I want to run after him and tell him I am sorry, but I can't. Oh god, I'm going to be sick. I run out of the office and into one of the restrooms on the floor. I barely make it into one of the stalls before I have to throw up. When my stomach is empty I lean back against the wall and start to cry.

This is the first time in six months that I had a panic attack that was so bad that I had to throw up and I hate it. I have never in my life hit anyone, never and I always thought little of people who use violence against others and now I'm nothing better. Yes, what he said was cruel and absolutely unnecessary, but that doesn't justify what I did. I know I should go back and apologize, but I can't. I have seen it in his eyes, he hates me and hearing him say it would kill me. And of course I'm a coward, I don't think I will ever be able to look at him.

In the end I decide that I can't face Christian right now, if I do it I might end up projectile vomiting all over him and I really don't want to add utter humiliation to the list of fuck ups I already had today.

So, I get into the elevator and when I'm in the garage I hear someone call my name. I turn around and see that it is Jason, Christian's head of security.

"Hi Jason" I smile and hug him. I have known Jason ever since he started to work for Christian almost five years ago. He seems grumpy most of the time, but he is a really nice guy and I see him like an uncle. While I studied at the Seattle University I would sometimes sleep at Christian's when I had to stay late at the campus to learn and was too tired to drive back to Bellevue and he and Gail became like family to me during that time.

"Good to see that you are back in one piece, Ana. Will you come over soon, Gail can't wait to see you." he says as we hug.

"Yeah, well ... I don't think you will see me at Escala any time soon. Christian thinks I'm a slut and I just made it on the list with potential threats for his safety when I slapped him in the waiting room of Dr. Flynn's office."

"You did what?" his eyes widen in shock and I sigh.

"I didn't mean to slap him, Jason. It just happened, he said some really mean things and I lost it. I don't know Jason, it's like since I'm back I don't even know who he is anymore. He was never like that to me, I mean yes, Christian is quick to say what he thinks and it is not always nice, but he was never cruel. Right now, I don't think I want to have anything to do with him, well, it's not like after what I just did that I will be number on the list of people he wants to hang out with anyway."

"Ana, I wouldn't worry too much about slapping him, if he called you a slut, he had it coming. He should be ashamed to think of you that way." Jason says and I can tell that he is pissed at Christian.

"I don't know. Sorry, but I have to leave now, Jason. I'm meeting a real estate agent to look at some apartments. I want to move closer to the city. Please tell Gail that I will call her so we can meet when she has time."

"Sure, and Ana please don't beat yourself up over this, he will come around." Jason says and I hug him quickly and drive to the office of my real estate agent.

He shows me some of apartments around town and I pick four that I want to look at. One of them is at Escala and I'm not sure that I want to live in the same building as Christian, but then again Escala is one of the safest buildings in Seattle and even if I live there it doesn't mean that we will run into each other all the time. Plus, it's close to the campus and if I am accepted for my master studies I want to live close to the campus.

After looking at the three other apartments I know none of them is the right one for me. The first one had a huge spot with mold infestation on the ceiling in the bathroom. One would think if you are willing to spend 1.5 million dollar you wouldn't have to deal with such things, but as I learned today you do have to deal with shit like that. The second apartment was great, but five minutes of research on the way to next apartment showed me that in the past 10 years three women were raped in the garage of the building. Thank you very much, but I already have to see a shrink, I don't want to add to my fucked upness.

The third apartment was perfect, safe building, spectacular view over the city and Elliott Bay, and it was the closest to campus. But the interior was totally 80's and that would cost me at least another 500000 dollar out of the trust fond I inherited from my dad's parents. Not that I don't have the money, but if I'm willing to spend 1.5 million I want the apartment ready to move in and not in need of a complete remodeling that would cost me a huge amount of money and time, before I could move in. Also, I'm 22 so sometime in the next 10 years I will probably marry and move into a new home to start a family and then I have to sell the apartment and depending on the market I will most likely lose money selling it again.

So now there is only Escala left. Since Escala is a relatively new building I know it will be super modern and not in need of any changes except for some furniture. Secretly, I still hope that I will hate the apartment, but once I'm inside I have this feeling of being home. I really love the apartment, it is on the 16th floor, has two bedrooms, a beautiful balcony and the best part is that it only costs 580000 dollar. As I look around through the open kitchen and living room I know that I want to buy this place and before I can change my mind I tell my real estate agent that I want to buy it. Screw Christian, if he has a problem with me living at Escala, he can move else where, right now parts unknown would be my favorite place for him to move to.

After making an appointment with the agent for the next day to go through all the details he leaves and I stay back in the lobby to call my dad and ask him if he can come with me tomorrow to the appointment. He helps me with my trust fond since I gained control over it on my 21st birthday. I'm not good with all the financial stuff, but my Dad as CEO of Steele Furnishing knows all about money and financials, so he helps me with this kind of stuff.

I have just finished the call when I see Christian walking towards the entrance. Shit, I'm not in the mood for another confrontation, so I hide in one corner of the lobby and watch him walk towards the elevator. Suddenly I hear a familiar voice call his name, I turn around and frown. What the fuck is Elena Lincoln doing here? This woman really creeps me out. I know that she made a pass at both Cooper and Elliot when they were about 15 or 16, though they haven't told anyone because my mom, Grace and Elena are good friends and I only know it because I heard them talk about her, but since then I hate her with a passion. What kind of woman makes a pass at a boy half her age and more important an underaged boy?

I watch as Christian turns around and smiles as he sees her. But it is what happens when she reaches him that really freaks me out, because she reaches up to kiss his cheeks and as she does she touches his bicep in a really intimate manner. And in this moment I know it, they way they act together I know that either they are in a relationship or they were at some point. No wonder he never had a girlfriend. He was or still is fucking that creepy pedophile. I watch in horror as the step into the elevator and the doors close. Oh my god, I mean it's none of my business if he has a thing for older women, but everything inside of me tells me that this started at a point where he was way too young to know what he was getting himself into. Shit, what am I going to do now?