Chapter 8: If I Die Young

There'd been no sleep, no escape for him since he found out everyone sacrificed Beth for nothing...DC, the cure...it was all a lie. When they left that church, dragging him away from her side, he knew he'd never be by her again. He wanted it...sleep...that escape, even if it was just darkness, but when had he ever gotten what he wanted. Daryl just wanted to dream...it was the only way he would ever have Beth again.

Laying in his corner, back turned to everyone else, they must've thought he was asleep 'cause he became the topic of their conversation.

"What do we do? He hasn't said a word since he found out. He's barely following us. I'm afraid I'm going to look back, and he's not going to be there anymore." At least Glenn had the good decency to use a hushed voice.

"There's nothing for us to do. Just let him be." Rick knew the full truth of it.

"It's hard on him right now, but we've all suffered and lost. It'll just take some time. Time heals all wounds." Carol, she was so wrong...

"But there has to be something we can do to help him make it through this." Glenn had spirit, but Daryl didn't want the help...just wanted...

"Daryl's not coming back from this one. He's not gonna make it. Only thing that can be done for him is for somebody who loves him to put a bullet in his head. I couldn't, already tried..." Rick's voice wavered at the memory.

But that's what he wanted...the one thing...the end. Daryl didn't even notice the conversation fading as he slipped into the soft embrace of sleep...

It was the comfiest bed he'd had in years, didn't matter it was a coffin. So many candles illuminated the room...illuminated her...it was the most beautiful moment of his life. Daryl knew as soon as he saw her sittin' at that piano, heard her singing, that it was a dream, but this moment...this moment had been real, it had happened, and he would remember it until the day he died. Her voice was beautiful and haunting, but the words, the song, they were so sad.

"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real..."

Daryl listened anyway, watching her...contemplating her, just like he'd been doin' that night.

"There's just too much that time cannot erase..."

Everything about her...her hair was mussed but shining like pale gold, perfectly imperfect.

"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears..."

Her voice...it brought him to a place where the darkness was being overshadowed by the light.

"When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears..."

And Beth, she made him know that there was a future for him. This had been the moment when he'd decided to tell her, but he hadn't been strong enough.

"I held your hand through all of these years...you still have all of me..."

"Beth..." He didn't mean to say it, but it was too late.

There was a false key, she startled, turning around on the bench, only calming when she saw him there. Then he saw the sadness in her face.

"Why such a sad song?" How could he even ask that question after...

"I didn't think you were coming. You've left me alone for so long..."

Daryl's heart seized.

"I couldn't sleep...everything...it's all just too hard..." He hadn't slept, but he wanted to be with her in his dreams. Beth thought he didn't want to dream of her...wanted to let her go, but that was so far from the truth. "It was all a lie...they sacrificed you...you di..."

"No...don't say it. You're here now. That's all that matters." She closed her eyes, lookin' like she was fighting some bad memory.

"Why don't you go ahead and play some more? Keep singing." That's what he'd said that night, and he said it again. Any moment he could have of her, he'd take.

"I thought my singing annoyed you." It was a rhetorical question. Beth knew the answer, but her asking, it hit him in the gut.

"Keep singing, Beth. Keep singing..."

Daryl didn't really listen to the words.

"If I die young, bury me in satin..."

All he could do was focus on Beth being there, alive, unharmed.

"Lay me down on a bed of roses..."

But the melody was beautiful.

"Sink me in the river at dawn..."

The song sounded sweet and hopeful.

"Send me away with the words of a love song..."

Laying there in that coffin, he couldn't help think about all the questions he never got to ask her.

"The sharp knife of a short life..."

All the things he never got to know.

"Oh well, I've had just enough time..."

Who taught her how to play?

"And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom..."

To sing?

"As green as the ring on my little cold finger..."

What was her favorite song?

"I've never known the loving of a real man..."

Who was the first guy to kiss her?

"But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand..."

Who was her first love? He knew she was his...only...

Then something inside forced Daryl to stop and just listen to the lyrics of the fucking song. It wasn't happy at all.

"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever. Who would have thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life. Oh well, I've had just enough time..." Beth's voice trailed off filled with emotion of her own.

If I die young...Those words, they were the story of her life.

"No...no stop..." Daryl shook his head violently, trying to banish the images the fucking lyrics rammed into his head.

He heard the gunshot...his world stopped when that bullet flew.

Saw Beth crumple to the ground.

Heard his gun firing...

Didn't even get to say goodbye.

It was a dream. It was the only thing he had left. It was supposed to be sweet...it was supposed to be...

Daryl felt Beth on him, laying on top of him in the coffin, nuzzling against his chest...so warm.

"God, I miss you Beth...so much..."

"Shhh...just keep breathing."

"This, if you're dead...this is how it should be. Me in that ground beside you. Me there instead of you." That was the truth of it, but he'd failed.

"I'm waiting for you...I'll always wait for you..."

She would be waiting forever. Daryl didn't know what came after. He hoped there was something besides darkness for Beth's sake, but even if there was, with the life he lived...

"Beth...I'll never make it to where you are." There were no tears. No sadness. He knew the truth.

"You don't know anything, Daryl Dixon." She was so confident.

He wanted to believe her, but it was a dream. Dreams weren't just deceptive. They were flat out liars. After a few quiet moments, Daryl felt the need to talk...to vocalize what he knew now.

"I never remembered this place...in my dream. I know why, 'cause it's where we ended."

Running his fingers through her tangled hair, he just wanted to stay. This moment, it would be enough. It could be his forever...

"I've never known the loving of a real man, but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand..."

Back to that damned song...but Beth just sang that one line...that heartbreakingly beautiful line. Daryl found her hand, and this time...this time he was the one to take it, their fingers intertwined. He wasn't gonna let go.

"That song, it's the very first memory...the first memory of the dream I recall..." Her voice was soft, almost hypnotic.

"Hmmm?" What she'd said...it didn't make any sense.

"Maybe I knew I was dead all along, but the dream...our time together...maybe it was some sort of gift to soften the blow."

"I don't remember you singing that." And Daryl remembered it in painstaking detail.

"You can't. It was my part of the dream. I was singing alone. It was my dream too.."

None of it was making any sense, but it didn't have to. Was it even possible that they shared that dream...all those moments? They'd shared everything, but in the end, the reality was, they'd shared absolutely nothing...

I've never known the loving of a real man...

And that...they'd never even shared that in the dream. It was all just too devastating.

"You never...?" Daryl's voice was raspy, barely coming out, but gentle. He felt awkward for asking.

Beth propped her chin on his chest, looking down on him with those sad eyes, the shadow of an innocent smile on her lips, shaking her head no. "What I never did is done..."

"Can I change that...now...tonight?" The possibility that they might still be able to share that...it softened the blow somehow.

"It's your dream. You can do whatever you want."

That was an answer, just not the one he was looking for. He didn't need an explanation on the rules of dreaming.

"Will you let me...will you come upstairs with me...let me...make love to you?"

God...he didn't even know how...make love? Who did he think he was? But with her...that's what he would've wanted. Who he would've wanted to be.

"Please...maybe anything is possible..." Beth pressed hard against him...more desperately...

Maybe anything is possible...

That one wrong...it happened on this night...it haunted him...would until the day he died. Maybe now...now he got to do it right...

Sittin' at that table in only the candle light, Daryl watched Beth penning her thank you note.

"Maybe you don't have to leave that..."

She looked to him, waiting...just like that night. He couldn't look at her. Just kept eating, trying to sound normal and not scared as hell thinking about what she might say. "Maybe we stick around here for a while. They come back, we'll just make it work." That's when he was able to meet her eyes, because it was what he wanted. She had to know it was the truth. "They may be nuts, but maybe it'll be all right..."

Maybe...the emotion and reality were hitting him...Maybe...it was just like almost...they were almost together...maybe they could've had a life.

A life...he'd wanted to make a life with her, right then and there. Daryl was willing to offer it to her, not knowing if she would reject him, what she felt or wanted. But he wanted it...that life.

That's when the smile spread across her face, and he had to look away. Another spoonful of grape jelly...it was sweet...but it hadn't been sweeter than the reality of the moment the first time around...or this moment...this do over.

"So you do think there are still good people?" It was like what he said...what he thought changed the whole world, and her face, her happiness...it lit up the room.

He gave a little nod.

"What changed your mind?" Daryl glanced at her and looked away twice before he could answer.

"You know..." Beth had to know, didn't she? There was no question in his heart.

"What?" Her voice...Beth's voice was laced with joy...laughter...

"Idonknow..." Fuck it all! He was getting a chance...a chance to make it right, and he was fucking it up all over again. Maybe things couldn't change...

"Don't 'Idonknow'..." Beth did an adorable mimic of his noncommittal answer and head nod, but it did nothing to soothe his nerves."What changed your mind?" Her eyes...she was serious now, trying to see into his soul.

Daryl let her look. He couldn't take his eyes off her. This was his last chance...the last moment he could change everything. Daryl looked at Beth like he had that night, seeing his future in her face...even though now it could never be...but this time, he didn't wait too long. He didn't cop out. Daryl answered. One word...one word that meant everything.

"You."

"Oh..."

"...I...love you..." He had to look away, felt the warmth burning in his cheeks.

It all felt as new and as awkward as it had that night. The feeling, the love, it'd been haunting him every second since they'd been separated, tearing him to pieces...but now it was foreign again, all his emotions confused, butterflies floppin' around in his stomach, just waiting for her to reject him.

But it was beautiful...this is what it felt like to be alive...and he'd said it.

The moment was the same for Beth. Awkward and frightening and beautiful. Daryl could see it in her eyes, the blush on her cheeks, the way her lips were slightly parted 'cause she was breathing heavier.

"I've loved you all along." This time he was steadier, more sure of himself, solid. What Beth deserved.

"I love you." It was so sweet, hearing those words on Beth's lips, and he knew it was true without a doubt. Daryl had heard it in another dream...the dream of their life that never happened...but this one, somehow he knew it was real.

And that made it hurt even worse...'cause he didn't deserve it. How could something so beautiful rip his heart to shreds?

Tin cans rattled on the perimeter alarm he'd set on the porch. A dog yipped. There was scratching at the door.

NO...not this, not now...

More scratching and banging...something in Daryl was forcing him to hear it...focus...react.

"You gotta go, Daryl..." Beth's voice was breaking.

"No...this...this was our end..."

"You gotta go..."

"You said maybe anything was possible..." Why was he getting fucked again? Just a few more moments...just a little more time.

"Some things are already written. Please...go..." Her voice was frantic. Something was wrong.

Daryl's back was pressed up against the door, trying...trying to hold the walkers back. He wasn't strong enough.

"Beth! Beth!" She tossed him his crossbow. "Run! Run!"

They were close behind him now...didn't even have a chance to reload his bow. "Pry open a window. Get you're shit."

"I'm not gonna leave you," Beth yelled to him, and that was it. He couldn't hold on.

It wasn't Beth that did the leavin'. It was him. He'd abandoned her when he'd stopped running...stopped tracking...he should've died...not her.

Daryl sank to his knees, not caring anymore. The walkers, they could have his sorry soul.

"I'm sorry, Beth. I'm sorry I couldn't save you..." He was defeated all over again.

Time stopped. Everything went still. There were no more walkers. It was just him, and now Beth, she was on her knees in front of him. Everything was frozen except him and her. Beth's hand in his hair...her lips on his, that's what he was going to remember. Pulling away, Beth smiled, true and genuine, no sadness or pain laced in it.

"You saved me, Daryl. You gave me...I had just enough time...enough time to know what it felt like to fall in love..."

Beth...everything...it was ripping his heart out all over again. He couldn't breathe.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye..."

"I'm glad you didn't say goodbye. I hate goodbyes." Her smile went soft and innocent. She was still a pure soul...not jaded by the world...by life when she had every reason. Beth was strong.

"Me too..."

Her hand trailed down his cheek trough his tears, and they kept coming...

Even if they weren't saying it, it was goodbye. Something in Daryl told him, somewhere deep inside, he knew that this was it. He wouldn't dream of Beth again. That night in that funeral parlor had been the end of their life, a life that never even got to start...and this dream...it was the end of their journey together. Beth saw his sadness...and he knew that she knew the truth too.

"I'll wait for you at the gates so we can walk through together..." Daryl didn't know what she meant, but her words comforted him. He would remember her voice forever.

Beth wrapped her arms around him as Daryl encompassed her...pulled her tight. It was their last embrace.

"Daryl...you gotta go..."

"Daryl...we gotta go..." Rick shook him hard. "We gotta go!"

Daryl was instantly aware. The walkers were tearing down the door, and there were too many to handle. He didn't run out of fear, he ran out of instinct. Grabbing his crossbow, he took up the rear, making sure everyone got out ahead of him. He didn't have nothin' to lose. If he was taken down, it would just be over, and Daryl could be done surviving. He was ready.