AN: I fell like the grammar mistakes are rampant, my friends. But that's what happens when you write something, edit it, and then post it. All generally in one night. Whoopsy-daisy.
My bad.
Oh, and katechoco, stop crawling into my brain. No, I'm kidding. But that is a fabulous idea.
*Wink wink*
R&R Sweets, It's always appreciated.
Disclaimer: If I did, my life would be peachy keen, jelly bean.
P.S I really need something new to call you wonderful people.
Listening to: Loose Yourself, Eminem. Which by the way, I know all the words to. This is my life, ladies and gentlemen.
She threw up. Not kidding. He kissed her, she kissed him, they were fine for a minuet, then she ran off to the bathroom and threw up.
Jesus Christ.
He didn't seem to mind, or seem to be surprised, which either means he still knows her really well, or he thinks she's nuts.
Either way, she'd like to crawl out of her bathroom window and run away forever. Except, her bathroom doesn't have a window, she has a daughter sleeping just down the hall that she can't abandon, and you can't just kiss your ex-partner/ex-lover/I'm-still-completely-in-love-with-you ex-best friend, and then run. Though she'd like to, boy would she like to.
She comes sulking out of the attached bathroom, tail between her legs, and she looks up to see him standing in the middle of her bedroom, smiling. He was smiling. The rat bastard was smiling. Maybe he's trying not to spook the crazy person. Or maybe he's trying to get his ass kicked.
Either way, he was getting his ass kicked.
"You think this is funny?" She manages to choke out between wiping her mouth with her sleeve and wanting to run back into the bathroom and hurl again.
"Maybe you're just sick, Liv." He says, smug smile still on his face.
"No, my ex-partner just kissed me. And maybe I'm panicking a little."
"Oh, that was my next guess." Cocky bastard. He's so proud of himself.
If he doesn't stop smiling she's gonna karate chop his ass right out her window. The one her bedroom actually does have.
"Shut the hell up." She says before sliding past him to sit on the bed.
And as she's sitting there kind of bending over, trying to breathe, and not throw up on her bedroom floor, he sits down next to her.
"You're allowed to freak out, Liv." He says as he puts his hand on her shoulder.
"Stop being so damn nice. I don't know who the hell you are when you're nice."
"Kay. You look like hell, by the way."
She looks over at him and she can't help but smile. Damn him. "That's better. I think I prefer the asshole."
"Really?"
"Yeah, well, creature of habit, you know."
"Hmm." He nods his head at her, and he's smiling. God, she missed that smile. She missed that asshole.
They went downstairs after that, sat, had coffee, talked. It was nice. She brought out some more of the pictures, and videos, the baby book. His eyes seemed to light up. Nora's pre-school picture, her drawings, what she was for Halloween last year, what she was her first Halloween, her second, what she wants to be this year. A fighter pilot, she has no idea where she got that one. Elliot was pleased. Nora never was the princess type. It pleased her, too. It's not like she's ever been the princess type, either.
She told him about the time Nora hit a little boy in her pre-school class. Well, more like kicked him in a place that sent him to the ground. Earned an angry face on the behavior board. Which she thinks is crap, but whatever. The little boy tried to bite Nora, then called her a wimpy little girl. Though she's trying not to encourage violence, she was a little proud. Maybe more than a little. Maybe way more than she should have been. She figures between her defensiveness, and Elliot's temper, it won't be the last time. They're working on using their words. Which, of course, isn't her strong point either. She prefers to deflect, slug, and move on. They'll get there though. Eventually.
Elliot was far too proud, too. She'd yell at him, but hey, pot calling the kettle black.
Told him about taking her trick-or-treating for the first time. She didn't take her, her first year, considering she was only a little over 20 days old. Her office had a party that year, and they stopped by. She stuffed her in a lady bug costume she found at the drug store, which was mostly just pajamas, took a picture, which turned out to be mostly a blur because Nora was too busy wailing and squirming to sit still long enough. Back then she usually took most pictures when she was sleeping, or caught her on the calmest moment she could get, but not that day. Rushed her hot mess self and her over there and stayed for about an hour. It was nice to celebrate the holiday without an especially sick rape case. And the years have just gotten better since then. She was a tiny giraffe her second year, obviously mostly her doing, but she spent most of that year in the stroller asleep. A black cat her third year, and a doctor last year. She made her call her Doctor Benson, or Doctor Nora, or even just Doctor, all night long. It was hilarious, and adorable. But quite frankly, her kid is adorable no matter what she does. And she could make any costume adorable enough to go on the front of the package. Maybe she's biased. El seemed to agree.
And they've already bought her fighter pilot costume. She's taken to calling her Maverick, but of course Nora doesn't get it. El did though. Asked her if that makes her Goose. She told him to shut the hell up and yes.
Nora woke up about a half an hour after they went down stairs, and waddled down the stairs, walked right past El, and climbed up into Liv's lap where she was sitting on the couch. Still sleepy, she wasn't exactly one to wake quick, but you bet your butt the minuet she wakes up she's coming down stairs, sleepy or not, she might miss something. And just stared at El.
"Hey, babe, you wanna show Mr. Elliot your turtle?" Nora's eyes seemed to light up at that.
"Yeah." She whispered in her sleepy little hoarse voice.
"Kay. Go get it."
She slid down off Liv's lap, and shuffled her way upstairs.
"She has a turtle?" He asked as he turned back to her from where he was watching Nora as she walked up the stairs.
"Just wait." She told him.
Nora came walking back down the stairs with a stuffed turtle the size of her.
She walked over to where Elliot was sitting next to Liv, and presented him the big, floppy stuffed animal that was literally her best friend.
"Whoa. That's cool. Does he have a name?"
"Stewart." She whispered, still tiny and timid.
"Stewart? That's such a cool name. Does he do cool stuff?"
"He fights crime."
He looked over to Liv, and she couldn't help but smile. This was the first time she had seen them interact and she was in love.
"He's a super hero." She explained.
"Oh wow. That's so awesome. So he saves the city, like Batman or Superman?"
Nora shook her head. "No, like Superman and Wonder Woman."
He looked back to Liv and she explained "They're her favorites." She shrugged her shoulders.
"Can I tell you a secret?" He said as he looked back at Nora, leaning forward to where she was standing in front of him.
She just nodded.
"Superman's my favorite too. And I think Wonder Woman is the coolest. I mean, she has an invisible plane."
Nora seemed to relax. "Her bracelets are my favorite."
"Those are so awesome. She can stop a bullet with those things."
"And save the world."
"And save the world." He was nodding his head and smiling. Her heart was so happy.
Sometimes she wonders if she had a small stroke and that's why she didn't tell him.
"He used to have a cape. But the neighbor's dog ate it."
"No way?!"
"Yeah, I left Stewart on the front porch, and he took it. Guess his parents didn't teach him not to steal."
"That's not cool, huh?"
"No. He ate his cape for lunch. But then I saw him in the front yard later, he looked like he had a belly ache. I think that made a Stewart feel better."
God, sometimes she forgets how cool and smart her kid is.
"Learned his lesson, huh?"
"Mmm hmm." She said, taking Stewart back, and turning around to take Stewart back up stairs, her little pony tail swinging the whole time. So sassy. So freaking sassy. God, she loved her kid.
She was this perfect little mix of her and El. And she couldn't ask for any better.
"Jesus Christ, she's amazing."
"Mmm hmm." She nodded her head. "Preaching to the choir. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet her sooner, El. I'm sorry you didn't to be there from the start."
He just looked over at her, and his eyes looked sad. So, so sad.
"Me too, Liv. Me too."
About that time Nora came back down stairs, and wedged herself between Elliot and Olivia on the couch. She was getting more comfortable with him. It made her feel like she could breathe better.
"Do you work in New York like Momma used to?" She asked Elliot, looking over and up at him.
"I sure do." He told her.
"He works with Uncle Fin and Uncle Munch Munch and Papa Don." Liv cut in.
"No way! You get to see uncle Fin every day?"
"Just about." He said.
"That's the coolest. I wish I could see Uncle Fin everyday." She said, a little sad.
"What about Uncle Munch Munch and Papa Don?" Liv asked, huffing out a breathy laugh. She was deflecting, because she knew how much Nora missed them, and so searingly, desperately wanted to meet Fin and Munch in person, and not just on Skype. And it hurt. She wished more than anything in the world that her little girl could be surrounded by family, and that she hadn't made the decision to leave that would get them stuck here. But she struggles with that often, because Nora's happy here. She likes her house, her school, her friends, the friends that Liv has managed to make that have become the closest thing they have to family out here, the park down the street, her yard. Her life here. But she wants nothing more than to take her baby girl home. To her home. To have her experience New York and how incredible it is. To see all its wonders and to hopefully, maybe fall in love. To see the hustle and bustle, to hear the sounds, to meet the people, to experience central park. She thinks sometimes that maybe they should take a vacation, but she knows if she went back, she could never leave again.
"Well, of course. I need to see Uncle Munch Munch everyday so he can tell me all the silly stories about Uncle Fin, and take me to Yanks games. And I want to live with Papa Don, duh."
She just chuckled to herself. That kid is seriously the best thing she's ever done.
"Wow. You really love your Papa Don, huh?" El asked.
"Yep. He's my favorite."
"Hey!" Liv said, "Even over me!?"
"Well, I guess you tie." She said.
"Gee, thanks."
"I only birthed you. " She mumbled under her breath. Which only El heard, and had to stifle a laugh at.
"So, a Yanks fan?" He asked Nora.
"Yeah. They're the best. Always."
He looked over at Liv, amused.
"She won't even root for any teams out here." She said. "Just her Yankees." She added.
"Well, duh." Nora commented, "No one's better." Then she got up off the couch and headed for the kitchen.
"Uh, Ma'am." Liv said. "Where do you think you're going?" She asked.
"Kitchen. To get a snack." She answered.
El just looked at Liv, and he looked like he was about to lose his cool and start laughing hysterically.
"What's the rule?" She shouted back, as Nora rounded the corner to the kitchen.
"No cookies until after dinner." She yelled back, and Liv could hear her rummaging through the pantry.
El shook his head, a big smile on his face.
She came back in with a pack of fruit snacks, holding them up for Liv to see.
Liv nodded in approval, and reached out to open them for her. Once they were open, she took them back and started scooping out just the red ones.
El gave Liv a look, so she explained "She's figured out I won't give her a new pack just because she's out of the flavors she likes. So she eats the ones she doesn't first, then the ones she does."
"Saving the best for last, I guess." He said. She nodded in agreement.
Then Nora asked, "May I watch TV?"
"Yeah. But something educational." Liv said.
Nora made a face on that, but said "Timely Train's on."
Liv made a face at that and said "How about Katie and the Magic Tree?"
Nora sighed a bit but said "Alright."
"Kay." Liv nodded. "You watch TV, and Mr. Elliot and I are gonna go out on the front porch. You yell if you need me, Okay?"
"Yeah." Nora said.
Liv and El got up from the couch, and Nora hopped up, curling herself up in her favorite corner, and pulling her little blanket down from the top of the couch and over her.
Liv and El made their way out onto the porch, Liv grabbing the table from the end table on the way out.
They sat down on the swing, and Liv situated herself on the end closet to the door. Then she pulled out the tablet.
Elliot looked over at her and down at the tablet, with his eyebrows raised.
"Monitor. Still up, for when I'm cooking in the kitchen or something. The camera sits on the mantle now."
"Why do you have to be such a genius, Liv?" He said, smiling at her.
"Just wanna make sure I can always keep an eye on her. I mean, you've met her. She's a handful."
"Yeah, but she's perfect.
Liv looked back up and over at him from where she had pulled up the app for the monitor on the tablet, with starry eyes, and nodded.
"God, we did good Liv." He said, looking over at her from his position leaving over with his elbows on his knees.
"You have no idea."
"Hopefully one day I will." He said.
She just nodded, and tried not to openly sob on her porch swing.
"I guess I should say you did good. You've raised her."
"El."
"No, I'm not, I don't mean, I just mean you did good, Liv."
"I always knew you'd be an incredible mother." He finished.
"I try, so hard. I don't wanna use that crap that I wanted to give her what I never had. But we both had crappy childhoods, with some screwed up parents, and some fucked up situations, and I've seen how that's affected us."
"I just didn't want her to have that."
He nodded.
"But I guess I screwed that up anyway."
He looked at her and she gestured between them.
"Yeah, but you're trying to fix it now. Our parents never really did that."
"I should have never created it in the first place." She said and got up, leaving the tablet between them, and walked over to the railing of the porch, leaning against it, looking out on to her street.
"Liv."
She turned around to face him. "That's not why I left you. Not why I left New York. Not why I never called. Not why I didn't tell you." She said.
He raised an eyebrow at her.
"Because I thought it would screw her up. Because I thought it wasn't the best." She clarified.
"I mean, I obviously didn't know I was pregnant when I left New York. But I panicked, El. I had just done something that changed everything. When I thought about you and me and it, God, I couldn't breathe."
"We."
"Huh?"
"We." He said.
"We had just done something that changed everything. You could have talked to me, Liv."
She just looked down.
"We didn't do anything wrong, Liv."
"We were partners." She said, looking back up.
"Which is exactly why I expected you to trust me more. And hell, quite frankly, respect me more."
"I was terrified. I couldn't loose you, Elliot. And we were partners who had just slept together. That was about to fuck everything up."
"But leaving wasn't loosing me? That was better?"
"It was easier. I could control it. I could control the hurt."
He looked straight into her eyes then. "God, Liv, you should have just said something."
"It wouldn't have changed anything."
"Even if I wanted to be with you?"
She had to divert her eyes when she told him it wouldn't change anything, but they shot back up to his on that.
"God, Olivia, I wanted to be with you and you just up and left. Just fucking took off. And I had to hear it from Fin. Seriously, Fin? You couldn't even leave a note, a god damn voice mail message, say goodbye when you left the station that day, something?"
But she did. She wrote a note she intended to leave in his locker the next day when she went in to get her stuff, but then she didn't come in the next day. After she got to California, she asked Don to clean out her stuff and ship it to her. Including something grey and not hers, that she still sleeps in or wears around the house sometimes, to this day.
"I did."
"What?"
"I wrote a note that I was going to leave in your locker when I came in to get my stuff the next day. But I just left that night, figured it made it easier."
"For who?"
"All of us. I didn't have to see you, you didn't have to see me. And I didn't have to cry like a baby when I went into Don's office to say goodbye, like I knew I would."
He looked up at her, hurt.
"I knew if I saw you I'd never be able to leave. And I knew you'd figure out something was wrong, and one 'stay' from you, and I would have stayed."
"I would have never let you leave."
"Exactly."
"I would have followed you out to California if I had to."
She raised her eyebrows at him.
"When I heard you'd retired someone mentioned California. Thought I'd fall on my ass."
"Furthest from New York. Also most obvious apparently."
"How the hell'd you end up in Utah?"
"Decided I didn't want to be a cop anymore. Wanted a change. Missed the fucking Cold. Do you know how hot and bright it is out there? God, I always had a headache."
"I wanted some familiarity, within a safety zone. Utah provided that with actual seasons."
"I think Fin misses you." He said.
She raised her eyebrows a little, because sudden change of topic, but she figured he was done being emotional.
"He just seems to be getting even more pissed off."
"Yeah, and how many lockers have you punched?" She asked.
"Broke my pinky hitting the edge of a concrete wall." He said.
"New partner just steps back and let's me do it. Seems kinda terrified, too."
"You always seemed to know exactly when to step in, and exactly when to just let me go. And you never seemed afraid to get in the middle."
"Yeah, well, you were harmless. You weren't going to hit me. And after 12 years, you learn to read someone."
"Nah, Liv. Always. Something about you, you were the only one who was ever able to take my shit."
"Well, you took mine." She said shrugging her shoulders.
"And I think I have some special dealing with impossible men gene." She said, sitting back down next to him, and picking the tablet back up.
"Or maybe just a dealing with Elliot gene."
"You should get some kind of an award." He said.
"I did, she's in the house." She answered, jutting her body back towards the door.
El just shook his head and looked back down at the floor boards of the porch.
"Seriously, El. You gave her to me. And she's perfect because of it."
"Yeah, and she's perfect because she's half you." He said.
"Well let's just agree we're awesome and we make one pretty badass kid, then."
He made a small agreeing sound from his throat, and said "You've got it."
AN: This chapter just kinda got away from me. My frustration with certain ships of mine at the moment stole it. Moving on. Up next, a park day and a little inappropriate Mommy Daddy time? We shall see.