I woke up the next morning expecting to be alone. I was more then surprised to see Sai asleep in a chair next to my bed. Does he know what happened last night between Sasuke and I. I hope not. I don't want to hurt him. I slowly use my hands to push myself into a sitting position. Predictably Sasuke was gone without a trace. With one hand I hold the blanket against my chest to cover myself with my other hand I reach out to wake my husband. Before my hand can even touch him I feel a pressure on my wrist. He had grabbed hold of my wrist and was staring at my intently. He looked deep into my eyes and I looked back into his. Did he know?
"Sakura…I…its okay. You needed it. You deserved it." He said. You could tell he was a little sad but when I looked into his eyes I knew he didn't feel the way he should. If he loved me it would have been more then 'It's okay'. But he didn't love me and for that I was thankful. I knew that if I ever needed to talk Sai would be there to listen. So I would talk now and he…he would listen.
"Sai, I love him. I hate loving him. I'm scared to love him. But I do love him immensely. I knew he wouldn't be here in the morning and I was satisfied with that last night. Now I wish I would have made him promise to stay. I am supposed to be strong. I don't want to be weak but everything always seems to go wrong for me. What did I do to deserve this?" Sai pulled me into an embrace and kissed me lightly on the cheek. He whispered in my ear: "Self-pity is dangerous. It will suck you into an endless void of sorrow. It will melt everything around you until you don't even have solid ground to stand on. Sakura, you are strong. Act like it. Don't let this bother you. You did what you needed to in order to stop the pain. It was an emotional release and it only would have been worse if he was here when you woke up. You did what you needed to, now what else must you do?"
I pulled away from him and smiled. He always knew what to say. He was right. I did what I had to. I felt better now and that's all that matters. Now I should continue with my life.
"Thank you Sai. I wouldn't survive without you. Now I'm going to the hospital. On my break how about we catch lunch together?" I said cheerfully. Or at lest as cheerful as normal. I pulled away from him and stood up. I walked over to the dresser in our room and pulled out some clothes. I decided to wear my ninja attire so I could train after work. I could feel Sai's eyes on me: watching every step I took. It wasn't a look of lust as much as one of protectiveness. I liked the way I felt when he watched me. I felt safe: untouchable. I knew I didn't love him but he was the closest thing to love I would ever feel.
Once I was dressed I headed off to work. Tsunade was in charge of the hospital. She took over the hospital when she retired as Hokage. I enjoyed spending time with her. She was like a mother and a best friend. A really old, drunk, best friend. I walked in to the hospital and smiled happily at everyone I saw. I would make today a good day if it killed me.
Today I died. I lost a patient who was rushed in after a mission. She was the first patient I ever lost. The worst part was she was an old friend. I had met her when I first got started in anbu. She was my captain and today she died at my hand. I couldn't help but wonder why I never died. I killed that flower yesterday. I tore it to pieces, but I killed it. The gods are tearing me limb from limb and yet I won't die. It's as if watching me fall apart is so fun that I am kept alive to serve as entertainment. I really just want to die.
I finally made it home and life seemed to hate me. What's new? Sai left a note saying that he would be on a mission for the next week. Guess where he would be? Sound. Sai doesn't seem like the jealous type but I can't help but wonder if he'll confront Sasuke. I hope not. I really just wanted to forget Sasuke for a while. Turns out that wouldn't be happening either.
I had just walked into my room to find once again something to prove how much I must be hated. There on my bed was the person who started everything. He couldn't just take advantage of my loss of sanity and leave me alone like a normal guy. No when an Uchiha does something he does it right. He was probably here to tell me something horrible. No doubt about it.
"Sakura…I'm sorry." He was staring down at the ground. His bangs covered his eyes from my view.
"About what?" I asked indifferently as I busied myself with cleaning something on my dresser. My back was facing him but I could still see him from the mirror.
"You know god damn well what." He yelled looking at me with those red eyes.
"No I don't. If you are apologizing for last night: don't. I am not sorry. I needed an emotional release. I needed you to be there for me. You were there and that's all that matters. You can go now. If you just came to tell me sorry because you felt guilty and didn't know how to handle it, it is best you leave…now." I spoke calmly but with all the confidence I ever had.
"Sakura…Did you use me?" Sasuke asked hiding the pain in his voice.
"If that is what you want to call it then yes. I am not ashamed though. You did the very same. You probably did it because your girlfriend wasn't satisfying but what does the reason matter." I spoke venomously now. Why couldn't he just go? At that he stood up and grabbed my forearm. He dug his nails into my skin and I could feel the warm liquid I knew was blood run down my arm and onto my fingertips.
"You think you were satisfying? Yeah right." He spat. Now he was just being childish.
"Oh just go back home to your slut and make another couple of kids you sick bastard." Two could play at his game. I just apparently didn't know the rules. He threw me onto the ground and towered above me.
"If you would stay calm for a few seconds and just ask how I've been I would have told you that I didn't have a girlfriend and the girl you are thinking about is a fangirl and nothing more. I don't have any kids and I am happily single." I was shocked. I had to reply quickly though so I just pouted and crossed my arms over my chest.
"If I would have asked you how you were doing I would have gotten a big fat empty 'Hn'!" I said sticking my tongue out at the end. I had lost the fight. There was no way I could prove he would reply with HN so that means I lost. Now it was time to act childish and hoped he called me annoying and walked out of my life…again.
"Hn." He said with a smirk as he stuck his hand out to help me up. I slapped it away and got up on my own. My arm stung from the cut he had made. I needed to heal it. I walked over to my bed and examined my arm before gathering chakra in my hand and healing it. Unfortunately, I had used most of my chakra on my anbu captain today so I was almost completely out. I could only heal the cuts a little bit. It was still bleeding though. Sasuke looked at me and rolled his eyes. He walked out of my room and I prayed he wouldn't come back. My prayers were not met, however, as he walked back in with bandages. He sat next to me and pulled my arm over his lap, none too gently. I winced at the pain and he mumbled an incoherent sorry. He then held my arm, more gently this time, and began to wrap the bandages around the cuts.
"You are annoying. So what did you waste all your chakra on, baka?" He asked.
"I wisely invested my chakra in trying to heal my anbu captain." I let my tone drop to a whisper now. Sadness rang in my voice. "I…I tried my best. I healed all her vital wounds and I stopped all the bleeding. I was trying to stop the blood coming from a gash on her chest when…she…she had a heart attack. In the middle of the surgery. I tried my best to save her…I really did…but…she died. She was the first person to die at my hands when I was healing them. I have never lost a patient before. I'm supposed to be the best…but…I"
"Lost someone. Get over it. Be happy she's the first one you lost. You are good at what you do and she was a hopeless case. She was bleeding to death and even if you could have stopped the bleeding she had a heart attack. She was going to die. With or without you. Be happy you were there for her final moments." He said coldly. Even if his tone was cold I could still catch the sympathy he tried so desperately to hold back. He was trying to make me feel better. That was all I ever needed. He had finished my arm and he placed it back on my lap.
"Thank you Sasuke…Thank you Sasuke-kun." I said hesitantly. He looked at me warily as if waiting for the other end of the sword but it never came and soon he smirked.
"I knew you couldn't resist me…Saku-chan." He said huskily. I rolled my eyes at his antics.
"Baka." I said while I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I leaned in to kiss him but he pulled away.
"No, I have to go." He said. I was about to break down in tears. I knew it! The moment I loved him again I would get hurt.
"I will be back next week; Sakura but…I can't do this with you. You're just a…friend." He said. My world fell apart right then. I was so sad that my heart stopped. It really stopped. It was five whole seconds before it beat again. When I felt the beats start up I wished they had just stayed still. I wished I had died right then. But if I would have died it would have meant something good happened to me. I would not ask for a miracle.