I'm sorry for the wait, y'all. Weird last couple of weeks.
Moving on.
Tidbit: In Da Club came on when I was writing this chapter, and all I could think about was Chris and Marish and their little twitter/instagram fling, and the In Da Club/birthday incident.
R&R ya little cutie pies. It's always appreciated.
Disclaimer: Because it would have taken 16 years for her to become a Mother, and her child's father would be someone else besides Elliot Stabler if I did. Yeah.
Listening to: Blank Space, my girl Tay. And might I add, jamming.
Boys only want love if it's torture.
They joined Nora in the house, and Liv fed her dinner. El watched Sports Center, yelled at Sports Center when they started talking about the Jets and Giants and comparing records, then eventually got fed up and turned it off. Same old Elliot. She may have smiled a small smile to herself while trying to haggle Nora into eating her chicken.
By the time they were done, it was nearing 8:00. So Liv asked El if he was gonna stick around a while, and he said yes, so she went on upstairs to give Nora a bath.
As she was getting Nora into her pajamas, and ready for bed, she asked her something she didn't really have an answer to.
"Mommy?"
"Yeah, sweets?"
"Is Mr. Elliot staying the night?"
"Oh, honey. I don't know. But I don't think so. I'm sure he's got a really cool and awesome hotel room with a big, fluffy bed he's gonna stay in."
"Like the one we stayed in when we went to Calvary for work?"
"Yep."
"Oh, okay." She looked a little disappointed. And it made her sad. Truthfully, she had no idea what his plan was. But she figured that was the safest bet. And the best thing to tell Nora.
"Is he gonna be here tomorrow?"
She looked up into her sweet little girl's face from where she had been helping her shove her arm into the sleeve of her pajama shirt, and she just looked so hopeful.
"I don't know sweetie. But I tell you what, how about we go to the park tomorrow?"
"My favorite one with Miss Jamie?!"
"Of course baby. That sound good, hmm?"
"Yeah. Can we take a lunch? Oh, or go to Mully's?! Their Pizza's my favorite."
"I know, I know. We'll see, Kay?"
"Okay."
"Good. Sounds like a plan." She smiled at her, and Nora seemed content. She guessed she'd be a little disappointed if Elliot wasn't here when she woke up in the morning, but hell, then again, so would she.
Nora got into bed and Liv pulled out her favorite bed time story, the one she only gets out for the pictures now because she could recite it by heart they've read it so many times. It didn't take long into the book for Nora to be out, so as soon as she was sure she was asleep, Liv put the book back, turned the light out, kissed her baby girl, and tip toed out of the room.
Once she got back down stairs, she noticed El on the couch, phone in hand, but no jacket on and seemingly relaxed. He wasn't leaving anytime soon. She felt the butterflies pitting in her stomach. She felt like an idiot, but she couldn't help herself.
"Hey." She said, coming down off the last step and towards the couch.
"Hey." He said, looking up at her.
"Everything Okay?" She said, nodding down at his phone.
"Yeah, yeah. Just talking to Kathleen."
"How's she doing?" She asked. She was genuinely concerned. She missed his kids.
"Good. Really good actually. She's got a good job at some law firm, sort of a built in guidance councilor for clients with mental illnesses, a good steady boyfriend, I'm proud of her." He said.
"I bet. She's come a long way."
"Wouldn't have without you, Liv."
"El." She said, sitting down next to him. "She got where she is because of good parents and a good support system and the help she got. I had nothing to do with it."
"Bullshit." He said, looking straight at her.
She gave him an exhausted look, but he wasn't giving up.
"You helped get her to want the help. I still don't know what you did or what you said to her, but whatever it was, it worked. You're a miracle worker, Liv."
He shook his head a little, made a small scoffing sound, then went on,"Hell, you've helped get a lot of my children out of trouble. Eli wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you. You're his guardian angel."
"No, Eli wouldn't be here if it wasn't for FDNY. They're his guardian angels."
He gave her an irritated look and all she could think was God, she missed irritating him.
"Just take some damn credit, Liv."
She just shook her head and laughed a little, diverting the subject some.
"How is Eli? How are all the Stabler children? I miss them."
"He's good. Seven now. Huge. Tall. Plays T-ball. Thinks he's the coolest thing ever. Loves to annoy his sisters when they're home. Was just a T-Rex in his school play. Mention's his Livvy sometimes, misses her. Mo's good. She's got a good Law job up in Jersey, which is where Kathy and Eli are now with Kathy's husband. Liz and Dick are in their last year of school now. Liz is at Hudson, she wants to be a doctor, but right now she's just studying pharmaceuticals. Dick's at NYU, he wants to be a director, but he's Okay with just working in multi media."
"Wow. Over achievers, much?" She said with a small laugh. She really was so proud of all of them.
He looked at her and smiled a big, proud smile.
She waited a second, then asked, "Kathy re-married?"
She knew broaching the subject could be dangerous, but she did so anyway. She was genuinely curious.
"Yeah. About two years ago. His name's Carl, good guy. Got two kids of his own. Grown. They seem to be doing good. He treats Eli good. Which threatens the shit out of me, of course. But I'm dealing."
"That's good, El. I'm happy for her. Happy she's doing good." She said, looking straight into his eyes, trying to gauge his reaction and see how he really felt about it.
"How do you really feel about it?" She finally said, eying him.
"It should be weird. Should've been weirder the moment we got divorced. But it's not. It was only weird back then because the familiarity was gone. It should feel worse that not only am I divorced, but I'm divorced with an ex-wife who's re-married. But it doesn't. Everything just feels... at peace now. But I'm glad she's happy, and that Eli's got a stable, happy environment. It's good." He said, nodding.
"Good." She knew they weren't doing so good back then, after they got divorced. But she knew he was trying. She's glad it paid off. He deserved that. They deserve that, both he and Kathy. The kids too.
"The kids still doing alright with it?"
"They've gotten even better with it. You know it was a little hard for them at first, but not that bad. They do seem more at peace, more settled now with it, though. I think they always knew it was for the best, it just took an adjustment period."
She nodded. It felt nice to know they were finally able to get over that hump. She knew it was killing Elliot back then that they were struggling a little with it. The man deserves a good relationship with his kids.
That thought made her sick. She had stolen that from him with Nora. And she didn't know how the hell to make up for it now. God, she was a terrible person.
"You Okay?" He asked her, looking over at her and into her eyes.
She had to divert them, she couldn't lie to him otherwise.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Four years, still the same Olivia."
"Hmm?" She asked him.
"You're not fine. You never are when you say that. But I'm not gonna push it."
She sighed and look over at the time on the entertainment center.
"It's late. Do you need to get to your hotel to make check in?" She didn't know where he was staying, and didn't know their late night check in hours. But since he had been here all day she figured he had already checked in or he was probably needing to go. She was also fishing. She had the same questions Nora did.
"Yeah, actually, I probably should. Check In's not till twelve, but I should probably get going anyway."
"Kay." She said, standing up as he followed. He moved around getting his things, and then met her at the door.
"You, uh, you gonna stop by tomorrow? Nora asked."
"Yeah, I was planning on it, if that's uh, if that's cool with you." Stumbling over their words like nervous teenagers.
"Yeah, yeah. That's good. I know Nora will be excited to see you."
"Good, good." He said.
He stopped for a second, looked down at his feet, back up at her, and then finally said, "Kay. Night."
"Night." She said as he turned around to reach for the door knob.
"El?" She said. Now or never, Olivia.
"Yeah?" He said truing back around, seemingly eager. Maybe, relieved?
"Or you could just stay here." She said, meeting his eyes. They were so god damn blue. Her kryptonite. She thought she might pass out.
"Kay." He answered. And she could see the intensity in his eyes.
"We've got a guest room, just at the end of the hall upstairs. Not much, but did the job when Don stayed."
"I'll go get my bag." He said.
She nodded and he headed out the front door to his rental car.
After he went out the door, she went upstairs to put new sheets on the bed. As she was doing so, she couldn't help but think that this felt too right. He was here, he was staying in her house, and their daughter was in love with him. Nearly everything she's wanted.
As she was putting the sheets on the bed, he came around the corner into the room carrying his bag.
"I locked up on my way back in." He said.
"Okay. Thanks." She said.
"I just, wanted to put a fresh pair of sheets on the bed." She added, nodding towards the bed, as she stood up right again, to face him.
"Thanks." He said. Walking over to put his bag on the chair in the corner.
She nodded, and added "There's extra blankets in the closet across the hall, and the bathroom's the third door down."
He turned back around to look at her, nodding.
"Thanks for letting me stay, Liv."
"No problem. You didn't already have a room reserved, did you? Cause I don't want you to loose any money or anything. I don't want you to feel like you have to stay."
"Nah, I just figured I'd find a room when I got here. I barely got my plane ticket bought I was moving so fast. I was out of there as soon as I got it out of Fin. I just threw some stuff into a bag and took off. Didn't really think much." He says, pauses. Then, " And I want to stay, Liv."
She nodded pensively, and said,"Okay." She paused. "Well then, night. I guess."
"Night." He said, looking straight into her eyes. But he sure as hell didn't look like he meant it.
She hesitated, but she turned around anyway.
As her hands hit the door she heard him.
"Liv."
"Yeah?" She said. Not turning around.
"Stay." She could feel his intensity.
She turned back around and it was instant. He grabbed her by the waist pushed her back against the door, wrapping her up in him. A hand at her waist, gripping, and a hand in her hair. His body holding her in place and making her heart race. He kissed her so hard she thought she'd lose her breath forever. Every inch of her was buzzing, and now her heart felt like it was going to leap right out of her throat.
Her hands desperately clung to his back, as he pushed her further into the door.
"El." She tried to breathe out. But it sounded more like a strangled whisper.
When his mouth moved from hers to her neck, she tried again.
"Elliot." Still soft and strangled, but a little louder this time.
"Hmm." Was all she got out of him.
"We should stop." She said, as her breathing picked up.
He stopped, hands moving to her upper arms, and distanced himself just the littlest bit. So close still though, that she could feel his hot breath mingling with hers.
His eyes came to hers with question, and quite frankly, hurt in them.
"We should stop." She repeated, swallowing.
He gave her a skeptical look, one that read 'When hell freezes over', then said, "Tell me to stop, tell me to stop and don't sound like you're doing nothing short of bullshitting me."
He looked away from her for a second, bowed his head, squinted those fucking ridiculous blue eyes together, furrowed his brow.
Eventually his hands slipped down to hers, and she knew it wasn't over. She was caught. He had her. He had always had her. She couldn't leave now.
He almost seemed to feel the shift in her, so he looked back up and he could clearly see it, right there, radiating. He squinted his eyes again and tilted his head at her, and suddenly she had a flashback to that god damn day in the squad room.
She took a deep breath. Tried to calm her heart. Then she told him yes with her eyes and that was it. The dam broke. The damn fell the hell apart. Every force was broken and there was no stopping them.
And she didn't care one damn little bit. Fuck that, fuck it, fuck it all, and apparently, fuck her.
One force in the world, one force in the world that could make her do anything. Him, them, cerulean, unfairly, blue fucking damn-it-all-to-hell eyes.
...
She was lying in bed next to him, or well half on top of him. She was lying in bed next to Elliot and Jesus, was the panic raising. She could feel his chest rising and falling underneath of her, his hand around her shoulders, gripping, tight, the other playing with her hair, and she never wanted to leave. That scared her. Shit, she's a mess.
He moves a little under her, and it snaps her back.
"Liv."
She hears his voice, but she's just trying to stay in the moment and not worry about what comes next.
When she doesn't respond he tries again. "Olivia."
She moves her head up towards his a little, and her head cheek bumps his head.
"Hmm?"
"Panicking?"
"Slightly."
"Settle down. I'm not going anywhere, you're not going anywhere. Let's talk."
She wants to. Jesus does she want to talk and talk and just talk until she can't speak anymore. But she's afraid if she says some of those things he'll be gone in the next instant and all of this will be over.
"There's nothing to talk about." She says. And even as it comes out of her mouth she knows he knows it's a lie.
"Yes there is."
"No." She whispers, small, timid.
"Bullshit. Yes there is. Talk to me, Olivia."
She takes a breath then says, "What's next?"
"I don't know."
"Well, this talking this is working out really damn well isn't it?"
"Liv."
"No, El." She says, sitting up on her elbow, facing him, her other hand landing on his chest and looking at his face.
"You say you want to talk about it, like you're some perfect little solution that can make me feel better and press down all of my fears, yet 'I don't know' is all you say. Don't fucking force me to talk about something that I'd rather forget if that's the all you've got."
"Forget?" He says, scrunching his eyebrows, and making such a sour, hurt, offended face she re-tracks back over her words.
"Not, I mean, I don't, I didn't." She sighs and drops her head, her hair coming down around her face to create a curtain. "El." She whispers, desperate, defeated, emotional as hell.
"Liv. Look at me." He says, nice and strong, moving his hand that had slipped from her hair when she sat up, and placing it on top of her head, cradling it of sorts, and kissing the top of her head.
She closes her eyes tight, takes a deep breath trying to get it together, and looks up at him.
When her eyes meet his he speaks. "I don't know, but we're gonna figure it out. I didn't know what was gonna happen when I got in my car and headed for the airport, of what the hell was gonna happen when I got here. But I still went. I still went because I wanted this, I wanted to meet her, I needed to meet her, needed to see you, so I came here and took that chance. We fixed a lot of shit, including our selves countless times, over twelve years. We can figure this out."
She believes every word he says, but her head still hurts and she still needs some more clarity.
"I trust you, Elliot. I trust that. But I still have no idea what's happening next and that scares the shit out of me."
"You didn't know what was going to happen when you came out here, I'm sure when you found out you were pregnant, when you had her. Bringing her home for the first time had to me fucking terrifying. You made it then."
"Don was here."
"Huh?"
"When I brought her home, he was still here. Stayed for a couple more days. I wasn't alone."
"And you're not now." He says with conviction.
She meets his eyes again from the spot on his chest she had dropped her eyes to.
Nodding her head she says, "I know."
"We'll be fine, Liv. Me, you, me and Nora. We'll be alright. I promise."
"I wish you would stop being so god damn nice. You're supposed to hate me. Supposed to be irately mad. I don't know how you even look at me, let alone sleep with me." She says.
"I am mad, Liv. I was irately mad. But the second I saw your eyes, standing out on that sidewalk, it was over. I saw the Olivia I've known for 16 years. I saw the Olivia that helped my kid get the help she needed, helped me fix shit with my wife so many damn times, the Olivia that said something that nearly literally fucking crushed me out side a hospital room, and made me realize that I was so much more in love with her than I fucking thought. That saved my ass so many times I lost count in the first five years, that kept me sane for 12 years, no matter how sick the bastards got. The Olivia that helped deliver my son, and now I see the Olivia that gave me my daughter. Doesn't matter if I'm mad or if I forgive you or not, I still feel the same. It should, but for whatever fucked up reason, it doesn't."
She knows exactly what he means, what she said, and suddenly "What about me?" is playing over and over in her head.
So she's just slept with her ex-partner, and now she's going to cry in bed with him. Since when was the bastard so poetic. Damn it.
"It doesn't change the first 12 years, Olivia. It does put them into perspective, and make me think about them differently. But it doesn't change that they did happen, and that they happened the way they did."
She nodded her head, making small circles and absent minded patterns on his chest, then flattening her hand down.
"I am sorry, El."
"Five hundredth time, Liv."
"I kept your daughter from you. I stole all of those moments. I kept you from her. I can't apologize enough."
"No, but I get it by now. I know you're sorry, Liv. I expected you to be when I got here."
She gives him a look because, how.
"I know you." He says with a shoulder shrug. "Or, well, I used to know you."
"I've not changed that much, El." She says. Looking back down to his chest.
"Yeah, you have. You've, evolved. You're different. But, still my partner that I used to know inside and out. You've just, grown."
She tucks some of her hair behind her ear, nodding.
"Good thing, Liv. remember that. It's a good thing. It's not bad to grow."
"Yeah, but it makes me afraid that we're not the same us, the same connection now."
"Well, no we're not the same us, but you're always the same you and I'm always the same me, just with additions. Like that perfect little one down the hall, and the better in check anger that I'm working on. We're always gonna have the same connection, Liv. We could go anywhere, come back together, and we'd still have the same, exact connection we've always had."
She sighs and nods, laying her head back down on his chest.
He returns his hand to her hair, and once again tightens his hand that landed around her waist when she sat up. Then leans down to kiss her head, then puts his own head back on the pillow.
They laid there most of the night, but somewhere around three she woke up and stumbled back to her room. She wanted to be there in case Nora woke up before her and came looking.
He understood and let her go, but not before kissing her again so fiercely she seriously considered letting her daughter find her in a bed with Mr. Elliot.
Oh, how that man can cloud her judgement.
...
About 7:30 she heard her door knob, figuring it was Nora, she didn't bother to roll over. Until she didn't hear a 'Mommy' or feel the bed dip. She rolled over to see him standing there, now in a pair of light grey sweats and a dark green t-shirt, still looking far too fucking attractive.
"El?" She said, raising up onto her left elbow.
"Yeah."
"Oh, thought you might be Nora."
"No, she's still sleeping. I peaked." He said, moving forward a little.
"Oh. Since when did you stop sleeping in boxers and a t-shirt?" She said, nodding toward him.
"Figured it wasn't too appropriate with our four-year old daughter sleeping down the hall."
"You used to sleep that way at home. Won't ever forget the day I came to get you and you answered the door that way. Jesus, I think we had only been partners three years then."
"Well, sorry to scar you for life." He said with a smile. "But she know I'm here?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.
"No. She asked me when I put her to bed. Told her you probably weren't staying."
He just nodded, his face too unreadable for her liking.
"Glad you did, though."
"Me, too."
He stepped the rest of the way over to the bed, stopping next to it. Hands in his pockets.
She looked up to him, and pulled the comforter back, a silent offering
He accepted.
He crawled in next to her, pulling the comforter back up, and she couldn't resist.
"What, you miss me in 4 and a half hours?" She asked, smiling.
"Yes." He said. Honest. So fucking honest.
"El." She said, rolling over and looking up at the ceiling.
"I'm not hiding it anymore. Any of it. Did that for 12 years. Fucking hated it."
She doesn't know who this new Elliot is, but sometimes she really loves him.
"Well, then, I missed your pain in the ass self, too."
He looks over at her and smiles. "Good."
"You ass." She says.
"See, I haven't changed. Told you."
"Shut up." She says, rolling back over and he slides down to laying down, and she snuggles her way into his side. Unabashedly. If he's not hiding it anymore, then neither is she.
She doesn't know what this means, for them, but she knows that she still loves him and that her heart won't, can't, seem to let go. And she doesn't ever want to leave here, right here, right now. With him.
...
Nora gets up about 9, herself and El had managed to make their way down there about a half an hour before, and she was making Norah's traditional Saturday pancakes when she came down the stairs. El was sitting at the table, making jabs at her home decorating, and noticed her first.
When she turned around, she was standing just inside the entryway to the attached breakfast nook, rubbing her eyes.
"Hey, hon, pancakes?"
She nods her head, and finally drops her hand from her eyes.
"Kay. Go sit in your chair, they'll be done in a minuet."
She flicked her eyes over to El for a second, then padded over to her chair, next to Elliot at the four-chair, round table, on the backside, so she was facing the counter.
As she was finishing up, she heard chatter behind her. She had no idea what they were talking about, but she was glad they were talking. Unprovoked.
She heard Nora laugh, and she couldn't help but smile and think, 'Don't worry, kid. Mommy's charmed by him, too.'
She finished the pancakes and plated them, bringing Nora's on her little pink, plastic, divided plate, with some grapes and her little pink matching cup with some orange juice, and Elliot's over, then going back for hers.
She sat down in her traditional chair, across from Nora, on the other side of Elliot, back facing the counter, and her facing the wall that had the bookshelf at one end, and her desk at the other.
They ate in silence for a while, until Nora spoke up.
She looked at Elliot and said, "Mommy and I are going to the park, my favorite, the one with Miss Jamie and Andy, do you wanna come?"
And she said it so confidently, like there was no way in hell he'd say no. But she knew there was no way he was going to say no, not to Nora, anyway. It was still adorable. Child had the confidence with him that she only gained through years of familiarity.
First he looked to Liv, said, "And I?"
She just shrugs her shoulders and says, "She's a genius." Really she had out of accidental habit corrected her once, and she's said it correctly ever since.
He then looked to Nora and said,"Absolutely." Nodding his head once definitively.
Nora smiled, proud of herself.
She just looked down at her pancakes, smiling.
God, she loved him.
"So, tell me about this park. What kind of cool things does it have?" He asked.
"Oh, my gosh, so many. It has..."
As Nora went off into her speech about how spectacular this park was, she watched Elliot's face. He was truly lighting up.
And Nora was so enamored by him, that it only made not telling him hurt that much more.
...
Around 11, she packed up Nora and got her things together, and they all headed out. They took her car, and her intention was the sedan that they drive most often now. But Nora insisted on the Mustang, arguing that she just had to show Mr. Elliot. She tried to explain to her that Mr. Elliot knew she had the Mustang, from their time back in New York, but she wasn't having it. So they moved her booster seat, and took the Mustang. She still had the thing, because it was paid off and all she had to do way pay to insure it. Which, was kind of expensive, but she wasn't ready to let go yet. The stupid thing was her 'I'm not even mid-life' mid life crisis, but she loved the thing. And Nora was obsessed with it. So she kept it. Pulled it out once and a while. Didn't just let it sit, she hated that, don't have it if you don't intend to use it, drove it to work a couple of times, impressed her co-workers beyond belief, and made sure to relish in the fact that she was lucky enough to have a bad ass car.
El seemed to admire it quite a bit, too.
"It seriously is bad ass, Liv" He said, low enough that only she could hear, though Nora was too busy playing on the tablet in the back, to care.
"And I can't tell you how 'Olivia' it is." He continued.
"How 'Olivia', it is?" She asked.
"Yeah. You're a New Yorker, and Manhattanite , so picturing you driving anything but the Crown Vic is weird, but if I were to picture you driving something, this fits." He said, looking around some and running his hand across the dashboard.
"Well, apparently I had a mid life crisis and decided I needed to be a 50 year old man and buy a classic car. It is pretty bad ass though. I like having it. And Nora loves it."
"That kid is something else." He said.
"Yeah, she is. Quite the little card."
"Like Mother, like daughter."
She looked over at him for a second, then back at road and smiled.
"Ass." She said.
"I think you mean adorable ass."
"Shut up before I smack you out of my car." She told him, laughing.
And he laughed back. Jesus Christ, she missed him. Missed stupid talks in a car. Granted, it used to be the Crown Vic and not her Mustang with their four year old in the back, but this would do.
They get to the park, and Jamie is setting on the bench, and she sees Andy by the slide. Nora races to him, but not before stopping to give Jamie a hug.
That kid really loved her.
Liv's glad, with all the mistakes she made, like California and then Utah in general, she was able to provide Nora with some stable, trustworthy, family figures.
They walk up to the bench and she hears Nora yell, "Mr. Elliot, come push me on the swing!"
He's gone in an instant, and by her side almost before she can finish her sentence.
She thinks this was what he was hopping for.
For her to let him in.
And like hell if she didn't.
She sat down next to Jamie, and she could feel her staring at the side of her face. Glaring, almost.
"Elliot?!" She says, exasperated.
"Yes."
"Is that the damn Elliot I think it is?"
"Yes."
"And you didn't call me?!"
"He got here yesterday morning, I was just trying not to pass out from shock. I walked out onto my porch to take Nora to school, and there he was. Soaking wet on my sidewalk. I thought my heart was gonna stop."
"Jesus. Just showed up?"
"Yeah."
She'd told Jamie some about Elliot, enough, she knew who he was, and most of what happened. She doesn't know exactly how Olivia feels about him, though. Not quite, not the full extent. And there are still tiny bits and pieces of the 12 years missing.
She knows he's Nora's father, that they slept together just before she left, and that up until now, he didn't know.
She's been Olivia's local driving force that stood by her, but disagreed with her.
She gets the picture, just not the whole thing.
She prefers it that way, less of a mess to explain.
And less of El that she has to share.
"He knows, right?"
"Yeah. Knew when he got here. Friend told him."
"Don?"
"No. Fin."
"Oh." Jamie knew about the rest of the squad, had seen some of the pictures Liv had.
Asked her if Fin was single and if she could have dibs on him. Jamie's married, mind you.
"Can't believe someone that hot would betray that much. How the hell'd he find out?"
"He didn't betray, Jamie. He didn't what I didn't have the damn guts to do." She said. Looking on at El and Nora on the swings.
"Don told him. El eventually got it out of Fin."
Jamie looked over at her, sympathetic, but looking like she'd still kick Fin's ass. Hot or not.
"Being slammed against a lock can be pretty persuasive."
Suddenly Jamie looked alarmed.
"Don't worry, anger issues only fuel with large men that piss him off, and perps. No one else. Not his wife. Not his kids. Not me. Ever."
Jamie nodded and looked back to where Andy was on the swing.
"He a good guy?"
"The best I know."
"She seems to like him."
"She's in love." She could hear it in her own voice, and she knows she probably tipping Jamie off about how she feels. Sometimes she's so god damn obvious.
"She know?"
"No. Not yet, anyway."
Again she nodded and said, "Wife and kids know?"
She just shrugged her shoulders and corrected, "Ex-wife."
Jamie looked at her with question.
"6 months before I left. 6 months before we slept together. For the first time." She reverberated, not for the first time.
She wanted it clear. Divorced, then slept with his partner. Not that it made her feel any better.
"Not because of...?"
"No. He says no."
"But you suspect?"
"He told me he was in love with me three hours before we slept together." She says, taking in a breath, deep, sighing.
"In a damn locker room, against a locker."
"What the hell is it with you people and lockers?"
She looked over at Jamie and smiled. This was the most she had shared with her.
"Don't ask me." She said, shaking her head.
"How many kids?"
"Five, six counting Nora."
"Jesus Christ."
"Yeah. First one still in high school. Why he became a Marine, became a cop."
"Ohhh, a marine." She said with way too much delight.
"Hands off." She said, shaking her head and laughing, patting Jamie's thigh and standing up to walk over to El and Nora, ruffling Andy's hair as he ran past her back toward Jamie.
"Hey, baby." She said to Nora as she approached where El had just stopped pushing her, and they were now talking.
"Mr. Elliot says this is the coolest park he's ever seen."
"Really?" She said, looking over to Elliot where he stood next to the swing Nora was on."Even cooler than Central Park?"
"Well..." He said, smiling.
"That's the one in New York, right Mommy?"
"Right baby."
"I'm gonna see there one day."
"Yes you are, baby." She said, with conviction, looking back to Nora, then meeting eyes with Elliot again.
...
When they walked back over to the bench, Andy was sitting next to Jamie, sucking down a juice box.
When Nora got close, he picked up one from beside him, and handed it to her.
"Thanks." She said, and hopped up on the bench next to him as Jamie got up.
"Hi." She said, sticking her hand out to Elliot.
He took it and shook.
"Jamie Lindwell. And that's Andy." She said, gesturing over her shoulder, "Or butthead when he's being particularly his father's child."
He laughed and said, "I've got one of those."
Liv looked over at him, confused, and said "Eli?"
He nodded back at her and said, "Eli."
He smiled at Jamie, his god damn charmer smile that weakened her for 12 years, and Jamie smiled back. Seemingly pleased that he wasn't some deranged, strung out serial killer.
But instead was quite attractive, infuriatingly charming and had ridiculous blue eyes, just like Liv had told her.
...
Later that night, she was sitting on the couch, curled up with a blanket, waiting for El to come back down.
As she was sitting on the couch her phone rang. She leaned forward to get a look at the screen from where it was sitting on the coffee table in front of her, she sighed and picked it up.
"Don." She said.
"He's there, isn't he?"
"Yes." She figured once he found out he took off he'd figure so. That or he went crazy. Either way he was probably going to want to have his ass.
"When?"
"Yesterday morning."
"And you didn't call me?" He sounded hurt.
"Olivia, I could have stopped him if I knew where he was going." He says, then mutters, "I should have never told Fin."
"Cap, it's alright. We're doing fine."
"Don't lie to me, Olivia."
She contemplated telling him they had slept together, but figured bad move. And hell, she didn't even know what that meant. Let alone to tell someone else.
"We are. He's fine. I promise I didn't shoot him. And Nora loves him. And I'm doing..." She sighs, "Fine."
She does still keep a gun in the house. A Sig, cop gun. Knows he knows that. Knows Elliot probably figures so. It's in a safe in her closet with a combination that Nora could never figure out without her telling her. Elliot's birthday. She plans to eventually teach her how to shoot it. Maybe in 10 years, 15, 20. A comfortable age. Then give her the combination when she knows she can comfortably, and safely shoot it. After all, she's a cop. Through and through, she trusts herself and knows she could keep Nora safe, but she feels safer with a gun. She's got a feeling that with double cop blood, and good cop blood, the kid will probably be a damn good shot anyway. And she likes to get away to the range sometimes, Jamie comes to watch Nora, or she takes Nora there, or the park, and she decompresses. It's always worked for her. Nearly 13 years on the force and it's always been soothing. Except after Gatano. Then she didn't want to look at the thing.
But now it works. And when you're raising a four-year old version of Elliot, with a little of her thrown in there here and there, and she swears to god some of Don, which she had no idea how the hell happened, figures maybe he rubbed off on her, you need something to take the edge off. Gun fire in a safe environment with a gun that feels like home in her hand works for her.
"I'm not worried about him, Olivia. I'm worried about you, and peanut."
He gave her that nickname the second time he came out, when she was two.
She told him she didn't like peanuts. He told her she was too much like her mother.
"We're fine, Don. She's fine. Happy, actually."
"Look, Liv, I don't doubt that you'd never put her in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation. It's not your judgment when it comes to her that I'm worried about."
"I can take care of myself."
"I don't doubt that a bit. But I know your weakness when it comes to him. I watched it for 12 years. And I know his weakness when it comes to you." He says and she thinks he knows them too well.
"It's hard. He seems to hate me a hell of a lot less than I would have expected. Than I want. But we're managing. And he's trying, I'm trying. We're trying."
He's silent on the other end so she sighs and goes on.
"We're trying not to screw up and be us. We're trying to break the damn pattern. I can't tell you how well it's working, but we're trying. That's more than we've ever done before. At least constantly. We don't want to default back."
She's pretty sure they're already failing at that, though.
"I'm proud of you, Olivia. Him too." He finally says.
"Really, you're proud of me for keeping his daughter from him for four years? For screwing up so badly I don't know how the hell to fix it? For making the biggest mistake I've ever made?"
"Olivia." A stern warning.
She sighs again and says, resigned, "I'm in too deep, Don."
"You're crawling out as we speak, Olivia." He says and she didn't realize how much she missed his condescending ass. She needs to go home.
"Is he there, now?" He asks.
"Yeah. He's upstairs with Nora."
He doesn't say anything.
"God, I can hear your eyebrows raise from here. It's fine. She asked if Mr. Elliot could read her, her story."
"Mr. Elliot?" He questions.
"She doesn't know." She says. A little saddened. Sometimes she wishes like hell she did, but she figures it's too soon to spring on her yet.
"Don't wait too long to tell her, Olivia. She's four, but she'll wonder why Daddy shows up and no one told her."
"I won't."
"Good. Listen, you call me more, Okay? Especially with the situation. I hear from you too little as it is."
"Yes, sir." She says, on the verge of tears. Don's one of the first people to show genuine, unabashed, consistent care for her, and interest in her. And he still does to this day. Sometimes she forgets that. And she hates herself for it.
"Let me talk to him when he's done." He says.
She panics a little. But he's practically his kid, too. Sometimes she forgets that.
"Stop it, Olivia. He's practically a Son to me, you know that. Let me talk to him."
God damn it, he knows her too damn well.
"Okay." She whispers.
They sit there on the phone for a minuet more, then she hears Nora's door click shut, and sees El crest at the top of the stairs.
As he's coming down the stairs he seems to notice the phone in her hand.
She wishes she could communicate to him, with a look, who it was.
Like the old days. The old them.
A fore-warning of sorts.
He gets to the bottom of the steps and pauses a little, then walks over to where she's sitting.
Once he gets there she hands the phone up to him.
"Don." She whispers when he gives her a quizzical look.
He nods his head and steps around her legs, to sit next to her.
"Don?" He says.
She wishes she could hear what Don was saying. She tries to read Elliot to find out, but she's not as good at that as she used to be.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Good. Alright."
He sits back, and so she looks forward to the floor in front of the coffee table, then at the wall in front of her.
"Incredible." She figures that one's got something to do with Nora.
"Dead ringer." He says, laughing a little.
That one, she figures has a little something to do with her.
"I will."
"No, she's fine."
Man will never take her word.
"I know, Don."
"Tell him I'm sorry." He says.
Sorry? Elliot Stabler is, sorry? For what? What the hell did he do?
"Yeah, yeah. I'll make her. I won't let up until she does. Get Nora in on it, too."
Seriously? Banning together and using her own kid for ploy, asses.
"You, too. Yeah, me too. I will."
He's nodding now. He's always done that. Knows damn well the person on the other end can't see him, but gestures anyway. Every time she's been on the phone with him she pictures him doing that, and making those faces he's always made.
God, he's adorable.
This big, brooding man is adorable.
"Okay, bye." He says, then brings the phone down and swipes the end button.
He sets it on the coffee table, then looks over at her.
"He says you need to call him more."
"Yeah, he lectured me about that one, too."
She shakes her head and mutters "Ass.", under her breath.
"He misses you, Olivia. I can understand that." He says and her heart cracks apart a little more.
She shakes her head, tucks her hair behind her ear, sighs and then sits back.
"He's worried, about Nora." He says.
She looks over at his form, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, and her heart hurts, so badly.
"He's worried about me around my own daughter, Olivia. He's known me for 21 years, and he's worried I might hurt my own daughter. How fucked up is that?" He asks.
God, if she thought her heart hurt before.
"He isn't worried you'll hurt her, Elliot."
"Do you think that, too?" He asks, looking back at her.
"No. If I did do you think I would have let you up there alone with her?"
He's just shaking his head now, looking back in front of him, folding his hands together.
"And he's not worried that you'll hurt her. He's worried this will be hard on her, and that's not your fault. It's mine." She says.
He bows his head, and she swears to God she's going to cry.
"Elliot." She says.
He doesn't respond so she tries again.
"El." This time more of a whisper.
She places her hand on his back, and he says, "I hate this, Olivia."
She can feel him struggling to keep his breath regular, and she can feel herself struggling not to lose it.
"I do too, El. And I'm so, so sorry."
"Liv." He says. "Sometimes you gotta let me express that without apologizing."
She doesn't know what to say.
"We gotta get through this together. I want us to get through this together." He says.
She nods her head even though he can't see her, and she thinks she's more like him than she'd like to admit.
He sits up and leans back, looking over at her, her hand falling.
"What are you so sorry for?" She asks, nodding her head over to the phone.
"I gave Fin a black eye." He says.
"I thought you just slammed him against the locker?!"
"I may have hit him when he wouldn't tell me, too."
"Elliot." She says, stern.
"I was fucking desperate, Liv. I had to know."
"So you hit poor Fin? You gave him a black eye, Elliot."
"He's walking around telling everyone he got in a bar fight. Munch is busting him out."
"What the hell's he telling them, then?"
"He's telling them a perp did it. Says it's more believable than a bar fight. Says he's not bad enough for that."
She makes a small snorting noise, because yeah, he is.
"I feel like I recall a 'more in check' anger comment." She says.
"Now."
She looks over at him skeptically, eyes him, her arms crossed over her stomach.
"What, you gonna tell me I'm a danger to my daughter now, too?"
"You know damn well that's not what Don meant. And I know you would never hurt her, Elliot. Just like for 12 years I told every asshole you wouldn't hurt me. I trust you, El. You're harmless."
He looks hurt. Wounded. Guilt ridden.
"They were assholes, El. They didn't know what they were talking about. You had an anger problem, but I never once felt threatened."
He nodded and said "Harmless?" Looking back over at her and raising his eyebrows.
"Well, sort of." She said, smiling. In her eyes, he was a fucking force to be reckoned with, but when it came to her, to the right situation, to the right people, to undeserving people, especially now to his own daughter, harmless.
"Good to know." He said, smiling, his blues crinkling and lighting up a little.
She feels the urge to jump him, right there, on the couch. And she thinks she's got to get that under control. She also feels the urge to cry.
Fucking mess.
He's looking at her funny now and she asks him "Why the hell are you looking at me like that?"
He shakes his head, and readjusts his position on the couch. Now turning towards her a little, and putting his arm up along the back of the couch. Effectively putting his hand in place to play with the back of her hair. He's not helping her urge to jump him.
He blinks slowly at her, and he just seems to be taking her all in, and putting out nothing but adoration. He's too fucking much for her, right now.
"You're going to kill me." She says.
"What?" He says, feigning innocents, laughing a little.
"You're an ass."
"Hmm, love you too, Liv."
She wants to panic. But he says it so casually, because he says it so casually.
He's smiling at her and she's in so fucking deep with him, 16 years deep.
He slides his hand down from her hair to the juncture between her shoulder and her neck, squeezing a little. Reassuring, she feels. He's an insensitive asshole sometimes, but he's always been able to do that.
"What does this mean, El?" She asks him.
"What?" He says.
"Us. This." She gestures between them. "Last night." She says.
"I don't know." He says. There's that damn phrase again.
He swallows, tucks a couple of figures up under her ear and runs his thumb along under the curve of her skull there , then sighs and says "But I know I've waited too damn long, and I have no intention of walking away if that's what you're asking."
She wasn't', but she's glad she knows.
She nods and looks down, fiddling with her fingers in her lap.
"Liv." He says, but she doesn't look up.
"Hey." He tries again.
"Olivia, look at me." He says when she still doesn't respond.
She looks up at him and he moves that hand back around the other side to tuck some of her hair back behind her ears, then puts it back down on the couch.
"I'm sorry I'm such a damn dysfunction at this, El." She says.
"You're not a dysfunction." He says, shaking his head. "You're cautious. With damn good reason."
He takes a second and pauses then said, "With anyone, Liv. But especially with us."
"You're not?" She asks, squinting her eyes at him. Still fiddling with her fingers.
"Of course I am. Doesn't matter. I'm still here."
"I'm here too, El. I'm just..."
"A little slow to warm up. I know. Spent 12 years with you, don't think you really trusted me outside the job until about 8 in. Even then it was shaky."
"We were a fucking mess, then."
"Weren't we always?" He says, smiling and raising his eyebrows.
"That was a rough patch, though."
"Yet we made it another 4 years."
"Not without shit."
"Made it, Liv. Take it at that."
She just looks back down to her lap.
"The day we're easy I'll start worrying." He says.
"Maybe just easier would be nice." She says.
"We'll make it through, Liv. I'm not just here for her."
Her heart nearly stops with the intensity, and intimacy of that. They may have slept together, but emotional intimacy was never their thing.
They were always screw ups at that.
And that statement might hold more meaning than when he says he loves her, to her.
Sometimes she wonders how her heart loves him this much. Even after all these years. Even after all of it. All of them, and all the crap they've been, and caused, and waded through.
Maybe they will make it.
Or maybe they'll crash and fucking burn.
Maybe she's willing to take that risk.
"You wanna go upstairs?" She asks him.
He raises his eyebrows at her and she's gonna knock his ass out.
"Not like that. I just figured, it's late, Nora's out, and there's a perfectly good, queen sized, pillow top bed up there waiting."
"Pillow top, huh?"
"Well." She says, standing up. "Momma's gotta treat herself."
He looks like he's either going to catapult into a laughing fit, or explode from pure shock.
"I think this clear air over here has gone to my head." She says.
"Yeah." He says, standing up with her. "You've lost it."
"Hmm, good thing you're here to save me then, right?" She even catches herself on that.
"God, I need sleep."
"Then move it." He says, jutting his head towards the stairs.
She shakes her head, laughing, turning around and starting up the stairs, him following her, his hand falling to the base of her lower back. Leading her, and causing chills to run all the way up her spine, then falling in step behind her one the stairs.
"You know, some things never change." He says as they're half way up, his hand now fallen.
She turns her head back to see what he means.
He's blatantly staring at her ass. She outta short stop his ass right now and send him flying down the stairs.
She shakes her head, shrugs her shoulders and then says, "Well, I mean, your kid is gorgeous, she had to get it from somewhere."
He smiles, shaking his own head slightly, then when she's turned her head back around, he hooks his fingers in one of the back pockets of her jeans, pulling a little, and she stops.
He moves up closer behind her, then beside her, taking her hand and leading them the rest of the way up the stairs and into the bedroom.
AN: I feel like sometimes Liv forgets she's not the only one who's like Don's kid. Daddy's little girl syndrome, I guess. It's adorable. Sometimes hurts a little, though, like times like when Don has to mention to her that El was like his Son, and having to see the hurt on her face when she realizes so, because she's already in an enough of an emotional turmoil because she's just found out he's put his god damn papers in, and I'm already on the couch sobbing into a tissue.
Btw, though I love Liv for having a Mustang, I'm more a 1967 Chevy Impala SS 427 Coupe girl, myself. Black, please. And no, not because of Supernatural. Though an Impala, it's not an SS or a Coupe. But talk about dream car.
She's a stick, she's loud, she's fast, and she's bad ass.
Imagine pulling up to family gatherings in that.
Oh, yeah, another btw, the whole 21 years things, I'm basing that off of in the first season, El's says when he's testifying that he's been apart of the unit five years. That was 16 years ago. 16+5=21. Even though I swear sometimes we say one thing, then three years alter change it. But even though those details are a little shaky, I went with it.
Anyway. Who's up for a trip? *Wink, wink*
Maybe that's the up next. Maybe, baby.
Maybe. Baby.