Just wanted you to know, this fic is meant to ease the reader into a larger series, starring our two favorite Keybearers. The events in this fic are meant to explain why Axel only appears occasionally.

Again, many thanks to the awesome Raberba Girl. Read her story 'Christmas at the Castle'. Seriously, now. I'll wait. It will blow your mind, I promise.

You back? Good. Now enjoy.

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Stupid Questions, Part Two—Question and Punishment

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The next morning, Axel convinced Saix to host a meeting with exactly one item on the agenda—the fact that everyone was providing Roxas and Xion with stupid questions to torture Axel with. Extortion may have been involved.

"Okay," he said after everyone was assembled. "I know you all have fun giving Rox and Xi lots of questions about life, the universe and everything. However, it has to stop, because I'm the one who has to answer those questions."

Xigbar snorted. "And why should we care what you think, Number VIII?"

"Because I can turn you and all of your most prized possessions into smoldering charcoal."

Number X scowled, and IX just squeaked in terror. Saix had allowed him to make this threat—when the Keybearers were asking stupid questions, they were not collecting hearts. The fact that the questions didn't really affect their missions didn't seem to matter—maybe Roxas had started bugging Saix, too? Even the official Organization assassin shuddered to think.

"Here's the deal," he continued mercilessly. "Every time one of our Keybearers gives me an odd question, I ask them why they're asking. Trust me, they'll tell. If I find out it was you they got it from, one of your prize possessions gets burned by the Flurry of Dancing Flames. If you don't have an appropriately valuable possession, or if the question is especially awkward and uncomfortable, you get roasted. If you want to troll me, you better have a sacrifice."

Vexen protested. "That's not fair in the slightest! It isn't our fault those blithering idiots don't know a thing and have to ask you everything."

"Would you like to explain things to them? Because I'm considering that as a punishment for chronic offenders."

The Chilly Academic shut up. As much as everyone hated the new rule, they hated the idea of answering the questions of the 'stupid brats' even more.

"Well," Axel concluded, clasping his hands together. "I'm glad we could come to an agreement. Saix and our beloved Superior approved this, mind you, so either prepare for a large ash pile in your room, or make sure XIII and XIV aren't in earshot when you start talking about adult subjects."

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The first day went according to plan. For the first time in a long while, Axel didn't have to answer a single question. He went to bed peacefully that night, not a little smug that his master plan had worked so well and so quickly. He got a little too comfortable with the idea of question-free ice cream eating.

Unfortunately, he was speaking too soon. That was the only day that would go according to plan.

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Vexen, feeling quite resentful about all this, decided to push his luck.

On the second day of the One Question, One Scorch policy (as Demyx had nicknamed it by this point), Vexen searched through all of his science experiment kits and found the one he loathed the most. It was clumsy, hard to work with and wasn't capable of much. He took a sticky note and wrote the following:

I'm sorry, Axel. Burn this one. –IV

He then racked his brain for a question awkward enough to make Axel mad, but not so awkward that the Chilly Academic wouldn't be so chilly anymore. After finding a good one, he set off Keybearer hunting.

He did not approach Roxas—that kid wasn't so stupid that he'd trust Vexen about this story. He instead approached the puppet, Xion, who was a little more gullible. Vexen wouldn't usually stoop to this sort of low, but this was war, at least in his mind.

He found the girl in the kitchen, trying unsuccessfully to open a Pepsi. This would be a hard task for anyone (those bottles were sealed tight), and to Xion it might as well have been welded shut, especially with the gloves she had oddly kept wearing, despite their obvious impediment to the task.

I knew it, Vexen thought evilly. If she's that stupid, she's stupid enough to fall for my story.

Actually, she didn't know she was allowed to take them off if it wasn't bedtime, which, given how serious Xemnas was about the uniform, was a perfectly reasonable assumption. Axel would have realized this, but Number IV was that annoying kind of person who assumes that he is obviously the only smart person in the worlds. Besides, it fit into his plan perfectly.

He walked up just as Xion was about to resort to shaking the bottle until pressure buildup popped the lid off (her logic was perfect—it was thinking the consequences through see needed work on). Vexen made a flourish with his right hand, took the glove off it, picked up the Pepsi bottle, and, smiling, pulled off a show of force just as impressive to Xion at the time as taking down an Infernal Engine—he opened the bottle.

After he poured two glasses (he actually hated the stuff, but he needed to appear 'hip' if this was going to work) and passed one to the girl he would never do this for if it wasn't for an agenda, he gave his best smile and said, "Your welcome, in advance."

Xion was more than a little stunned. One would think that she would be immediately suspicious, but again, she hadn't received the don't-trust-anyone speech from Axel yet, and was therefore slightly more gullible than Roxas. So, instead, she moved Vexen from her mental 'jerk' list to her 'potential ice cream partner' list. "Uh… Thanks," she said rather sheepishly.

"No problem," said Vexen, as he moved to the final stage of his master plan. "Say, Xion, do you know what a fetish is?"

She pondered the question. "No, but I guess they're… no, I don't know."

Vexen had to force himself not to grin evilly. "I don't know, either. I'm sure Axel knows, and I would ask him, but he's so busy, and you see him much more often, so I was wondering if you could ask him for me and report back with the answer. I'd be very grateful…"

Xion smiled and nodded. "OK, I will!"

The Trolling Academic decided he would do an evil cackle in his room. "Then we shall part ways, young one…"

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In hindsight, the outcome was inevitable.

Vexen RTC'd later than usual due to a Giant Heartless in Agrabah. He was quite tired, and was prepared to sleep soundly, knowing he had managed to annoy Axel and declutter a little in the process.

So imagine his surprise when he found all of his science equipment melted to goo, except one. It was the very one Vexen had tried to get rid of, with a new note attached to it, written in bold, red ink:

NICE TRY

As he just sort of stood there, as if catatonic, Xion walked up innocently. "Axel said that I shouldn't use the word because some people don't like it. He didn't say why. He also said I shouldn't trust you."

"…"

"…Vexen, are you OK?"

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Now that was fun to write. :)

I hope you enjoyed. Be sure to review if you did—or if you didn't, if you'll be nice about saying it. There will be two more chapters, to complete the story arc, so if you haven't sent in a stupid, awkward question yet, you only have today and tomorrow to do so. And if you still haven't read 'Christmas at the Castle', just do it now. Just trust me here. You'll love it.