Year of the Wolf

6. The Black Family Madness

There were no roamers that night, no rule-breakers sneaking about after curfew. For this, Remus was thankful. He was rather too tired and emotionally drained to dole out punishments tonight.

He had only just decided to call it a night when there was a noise very much like a tripped footstep behind him. He spun around, raising his wand high enough to throw light over the entire hallway. Nothing. He sighed and lowered his wand. Hearing things was surely a sign of madness.

When he turned to continue his journey, he felt the back of his legs brush against something and almost tripped. But still, there was nothing there...

'James!' he hissed, reaching out and closing his fingers over an invisible silky mass. James remained crouched as the cloak was pulled from over him. 'What are you doing? It's past curfew!'

'Really?' James asked sarcastically, straightening himself up and attempting to snatch his invisibility cloak back out of Remus's hands. 'I had no idea. I was just sneaking around under this cloak on my own for the bloody fun of it!'

Remus raised an eyebrow. There were no witnesses; was he really bound to punish his friend? If he were to just throw the cloak back over him and walk away, he could pretend that he hadn't seen him at all. And why had he even bothered to confront him in the first place?

'Go back to the common room,' he recommended. 'Or I will take you to McGonagall. I'm supposed to be keeping these hallways clear.'

James met his eye with a look of stubborn defiance.

'I'm not going anywhere,' he insisted. And then his expression softened, and fearful concern seeped into everything from his expression to his posture. 'He's missing, Moony. Sirius. Nobody has any idea where he is.'

'He's still in the hospital wing.'

'That's what I thought too! But...I went to check on him after dinner and Madam Pomfrey said he'd been released just after breakfast. She said he hadn't eaten anything in a couple days and it just caught up to him. Said it's not uncommon in O.W.L. year. But he hasn't attended any classes today and he hasn't returned to the Tower.'

Remus braced himself against the guilt that swept through him. If it was stress that had distracted him, it was not due to O.W.L.s.

'I know we're not speaking, but I'm worried about him,' James said. 'Really worried. So I can't just go back-'

'Let me look for him,' Remus said. 'You-'

'I'm not going back! And I'll hex you if you even think about trying to stop me!'

Remus smiled, and was not even reluctant to acquiesce.

'Put on the cloak,' he told him. 'We'll split up - I'll do the East side of the castle, you do the West, we'll meet back here when we're done.'

At long last he relinquished his grip on the cloak and James vanished beneath it instantly.

The castle was almost entirely deserted this time of night, even the teachers had mostly gone to bed. Remus focused his search on the empty classrooms and cupboards, even poked his head down a couple of the secret passages they knew about. Sirius was not in the bathrooms or the storerooms, not in any hidden corner or open space. When he returned to the spot he had arranged to meet James at almost an hour later, he was almost crippled with worry, hoping that James had had better luck.

'You didn't find him?' James's whisper preceded his appearance. 'I checked everywhere, he's just...gone. I don't understand.'

His face was pale, his eyes wide. And Remus could see the conflict within his mind, as part of him remained mad at Sirius for what he had done, but a bigger, much more significant part cared about him too much to let anger override concern.

'He's got to be somewhere,' Remus said. 'He can't have just disappeared, he has to be somewhere in the castle-'

The same thought seemed to hit James, because he suddenly looked up, suddenly seemed excited.

'Maybe he's not in the castle!' James theorised. And he threw the cloak over Remus too as they carefully made their way outside, thankful at least that the grounds were as empty as the castle.

They tripped over one another's feet a time or two in their rush, still too nervous to shed the cloak and sprint. The Whomping Willow swayed gently before them and after a moment's searching, Remus spotted a long branch in the grass and held up his wand outside the cloak.

'Wingardium leviosa,' he whispered, and the branch flew into the air. The tree froze when it hit the knot and both boys ran forwards, emerging from the cloak once safely in the tunnel.

'If he's not here...' James said in a breathy voice. Remus shared the sentiment. If Sirius was not in the Shrieking Shack - the one place in the grounds where nobody would bother him - then they were out of ideas and would have to alert staff because they'd really have a problem.

He did not like being here on an ordinary night. His body seemed to almost reject being there, as though it expected pain. But they pushed on, and Remus raised a finger to his lips when they emerged into the Shack. James clamped a hand over his mouth as he took in the destruction, and Remus felt his heart sink. They had never seen anything quite so close to his darker side, and though he was used to the broken furniture and the bites and scratch marks, he could see how it would be rather shocking to an outsider.

A faint intermittent noise could be heard upstairs, like the hiss of a flame doused by moisture. Remus made sure that he was first to climb the stairs, and he did so slowly. The sound, it seemed, came from a room at the top of the stairs. Cautiously, he pushed open the door with his wand drawn.

The boy in the darkness, sat on the floor with his back against the wall, looked up and a look of intense, indecipherable emotion fell over him. But the moment left, and he turned back to the small paper birds he had been lighting up with a flick of his wand, grimacing as the last fell to the floorboards as ash.

Before Remus could say anything, there was a sharp intake of breath behind him and he was pushed roughly to the side.

'There he is!' James fumed. 'I'm going to kill him!'

'Expelliarmus!' Remus caught James's wand as it flew towards him. Really, he had been lucky that he had seen the tell-tale movement - James was rather quick on the draw.

'Give it back!' he yelled. 'Remus, give me back my wand, I'm going to hex him into next century!'

'And that is a perfect reason why I shouldn't give this back.'

James lunged for it, but Remus held it out of his reach and raised his own wand in warning. Seeming to realise that it wasn't worth it, James turned back to Sirius and ran towards him, falling to his knees and gripping him by the shoulders.

'What the hell were you thinking?' James screamed, shaking Sirius in a not-so-gentle manner. 'Do you have any idea how worried we were? Do you...'

The breath seemed to leave him and with a strangled cry he rolled to the side and joined his friend against the wall, burying his head in his hands. Sirius just stared at the floor, his wand hanging limply from the hand that rested on his knee.

It took a moment or two for Remus to gather his thoughts and join them, settling down on Sirius's other side. He eyed him warily as he sat, though the fingers on his wand did not so much as twitch. He seemed to be readying himself for something, perhaps expecting a silent and sudden retribution. More than that, he seemed ready to take it.

'You look like crap,' Remus said. He really did; his hair, while not quite as greasy as Snape's, still looked like it would benefit from a good wash, and the bruise around his eye had turned a nasty shade of purple and yellow.

A soft, humourless laugh left his lips, but he didn't reply.

'Have you been here all day?' James, for the moment, seemed to be struggling with speech, so it was all on him.

'Went back to the dormitory for a bit,' Sirius said. His voice was hoarse and heavy. 'Wandered. Too many people. Thought it would be quieter here.'

It always was. Quiet, but not peaceful.

'And how long were you planning on staying down here?'

Sirius shrugged. Remus had expected an apology, or even a mild protest. To receive nothing, to see this usually confident boy shrunken so far into his shell he couldn't even look them in the eye, stung.

It was easy to forget sometimes that he had his own demons, that for most of his life he had been treated like his opinion, his thoughts and feelings even, didn't matter. And Remus had added to that, just as Sirius had added to his fear of the wolf, by denying him the opportunity to explain himself, to explain why he had acted so out of character and hurt someone he had always sought to help and protect.

'What's going on, Sirius?' Remus asked. Because he needed help, and Sirius Black was far too proud and independent to ask for it. 'And don't you dare say "nothing", because if you don't owe James this much, you sure as hell owe me.'

In the darkness of the Shrieking Shack, the only sound was that of Sirius licking his lips, and of James breathing erratically into his hands.

'They hate me,' Sirius said, in that same quiet voice. 'All of them. My whole family.' Remus found it hard not to feel a little annoyed - he had expected this to be about him, not about the Blacks. 'I was always different, and I've always been proud of that, but...growing up, being told that you're worth nothing, that your own parents are ashamed of you...' He wiped his nose with the back of his hand. 'The whole family was there; my aunt and uncles, my cousins. I got into an argument with Bella and she turned vicious. Said my parents weren't trying hard enough to beat my silly ideas out of me. She offered to do it for me...said the Cruciatus curse might help "educate" me.'

Remus drew a sharp intake of breath. Bellatrix Lestrange was a nasty piece of work if the stories that reached his ears were all true.

'When the rest of the family had left, my father started with his usual passive aggressiveness and I was so riled up that it escalated into a full-blown argument. So I told him what Bella had said, told him his family isn't as honourable as he would like to believe.' He stopped to catch his breath, and Remus saw that his hands were shaking. 'He said that she would have been right to do it, that I'd deserve it.' He pushed the heel of his palm into his eyes and tried to steady his wavering voice. 'I don't know what I said, but I was an idiot and lashed out and he just lost it. He hit me with his stupid walking stick, I think just to push me away, but he didn't stop. And I just...took it. I should have defended myself, should have ripped that stupid thing from his hands, but I just...'

James emerged from his hands and pressed himself back against the wall, anger contorting his features.

'I've never seen him so angry before, he just lost it; he's usually the calm, quiet one. He only stopped because Regulus ran in and begged him to. One word, that's all it took. From him. The better son. I've just been so...so angry at everything and everyone. Because I have to go back to that place, back to them. And maybe I am one of them after all. This is what it is, isn't it? The Black family madness. Centuries of inbreeding has rotted our minds. I just can't stop lashing out, I can't control this. And the worst thing...I hurt someone I care about, someone who means more to me than they ever will. I treated him like he was subhuman, and he didn't deserve that.'

An icy feeling spread through Remus's chest as Sirius finally turned to face him.

'I never meant to hurt you, Remus,' Sirius said. 'I am so sorry for everything I have put you through. You didn't deserve any of this.'

Remus wanted just to squeeze his knee and tell him that it was all right, that all was forgiven. But his voice did not seem to be working, and his nose felt almost too big for his face.

'So...you should just go,' Sirius said, turning back to stare at the floor between his knees. 'Because I don't care if you don't forgive me; I don't forgive myself.'

'Will you just listen to yourself?' Remus breathed. It seemed to take Sirius by surprise because he gasped audibly. 'What happened, it's not about you. It was done to me, and you know what? I forgive you. Okay? I forgive you. And if you can't forgive yourself, that's your problem.'

'Remus...'

'No, you shut up and listen to me!' He was on his knees now, face set in an expression of determination. 'I know that what you did had nothing to do with you trying to hurt me. You weren't thinking straight, you saw a way to get back at Snape, as dumb and reckless as that was, and you just went for it. I know you, Sirius, you've been my best friend for over four years! I know you didn't mean to do this to me, even without watching you self-destruct with guilt over the past few days.'

'But-'

'Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I felt humiliated and betrayed, but guess what? I got over that. I got over it because it was this unconscious hiccup - I don't care how big a hiccup it was - in years of you being the kind of friend I quite often can't believe I have. I accept your apology, and I forgive you. End of story.'

Sirius did not tear his eyes away from him, seemed to barely be able to process all this.

'You always say that it's a person's choices that make them who they are,' Remus said. 'And you know what? I think we're allowed to make a bad one every once in a while.'

Sirius looked away, closed his eyes tightly and bowed his head. If there were any part of Remus that was still angry over what had happened, it would have been placated by the anguish he witnessed upon his friend. He was tearing himself apart over this, was punishing himself more than Remus could ever think to do. All was forgiven, and he wished that he wouldn't be so hard on himself.

'Don't go running off like that again,' James warned. 'Your family may not care about you, but we do and that wasn't- You can't just-'

With a cry of frustration he balled his fist and hit Sirius on the arm. The older boy smiled, and it was a genuine smile, and the relieved laughter that fell from his lips felt for a moment as though it could precede a joke.

'I'm sorry,' Sirius said. 'For that and for dragging you into this, James.'

James grunted; a sign that he accepted the apology, but was still mad at him.

And Remus felt an apology of his own coming on as he looked at Sirius.

'I'm sorry about...' he said, gently waving his fist. Sirius smiled.

'Don't be,' he said. 'You've got a mean right hook. I'm actually incredibly proud.'

'It makes him look all rugged too,' James laughed. 'He was getting too pretty for his own good.'

'You got another one of those going spare, Moony?'

Remus made them wear the invisibility cloak as they made their way back to the dormitory, and Sirius was glad for the distraction it caused. The last few days had felt as though he were trying to breathe underwater, and suddenly his airways were clear, suddenly the world didn't ripple around him.

He had thought that he would never be able to forgive himself for what he had put Remus through, but when he had been forgiven...it was as though the burden had been lifted.

'Moony, mate,' said James suddenly. 'You remember we're Gryffindors, yeah? Well, uh...this is the way to the Hufflepuff common room.'

'No it's not,' Remus insisted, leading the way with a brisk pace. 'It's the way to the kitchens. I think it's safe to assume that Sirius hasn't eaten anything all day and the last time he forgot to feed himself he ended up in the hospital wing, remember?'

As if on cue, Sirius's stomach grumbled and James suppressed a laugh. It wasn't that he was trying to starve himself, he had just had more important things on his mind than food.

'Ah, here we are!' Remus declared before he tickled the pear. James and Sirius emerged from beneath the cloak and slipped into the kitchens before him.

Almost immediately, the house elves (fewer in number than they were at peak times) bowed in welcome and surrounded the visitors with wide eyes and eager expressions.

'Our friend here hasn't eaten since breakfast,' James announced, slapping Sirius on the back. 'Think you can help him out?'

'Of course, sir!'

'Right away!'

As one, the crowd of elves scattered to various corners of the vast room, and Sirius was increasingly aware of an ache in the pit of his stomach. It was humiliating enough that he had almost passed out from hunger he had not even picked up on. And perhaps the others sensed this because they too tucked into the food that was brought to them - James even fought him over the last cauldron cake as a little elf squeaked 'Sirs, we have more!'.

It was the thirst that was the killer, and he drained a whole flagon of pumpkin juice himself.

'More drink, please!' he gasped.

'Say, you don't have any mead, do you?' asked Remus. 'Or some Firewhisky?'

Sirius spluttered on the last mouthful of juice and James sprayed a small amount of crumbs onto a nearby elf.

'Remus!' he coughed, choking on the final bite of cake. Remus just shrugged.

'What?' he said defensively. 'We've broken so many rules tonight, what's one more?' He smiled. 'Besides, there is technically nothing in the school rules pertaining to the consumption of alcohol on the premises or indeed prohibiting us from requesting said alcohol from the kitchen staff. And I think we can all agree that we probably need it.'

The house elves evidently agreed with this as they returned with a large bottle of mead and three glasses, which they promptly filled.

'I think I like this new side of you, Moony,' James said with a devilish grin.

Sirius eyed their friend with mild suspicion, which faded as they began to drink. He had not expected Remus to forgive him so readily, but he had a point. It was his prerogative to forgive Sirius and to brush this whole thing under the mat and if that was what he had chosen to do then he wasn't going to be the one to press the issue.

And so they drank and they talked, and the room became a little less steady around them. Close to an hour later, Sirius was slumped against a wall with Remus at his side as James led a giggling house elf in a waltz around the kitchen.

'Don't even think about it,' Remus slurred. Sirius's lips had barely parted but he clamped them shut. Did mead make you psychic? 'It's over, it's done.'

Sirius dared say no more and shoved another cake into his mouth for good measure. His glass of mead was almost empty but he still raised it in a quiet toast and after clinking their glasses they gulped down the rest and decided that maybe it was time to leave.

If only the floor had not seemed to bewitch itself.

'I got'chu,' said James, though he was a little unsteady on his legs himself. 'C'mon, we'shud...'

'Thank you, sirs!' the house elves called as they helped one another through the door.

'Come again!'

It took a full five minutes for James to wrestle the cloak out of his robes and throw it over all three of them. Their feet seemed to want to take them in different directions, and each boy had to cling to the other to remain upright. Mead was perhaps a bad idea, but Sirius could not remember the last time he had felt so happy, and Remus had to hold a hand to his own mouth to stifle laughter.

None of them really realised where they were going until they were already in the Dungeons and on the way to the Slytherin common room. And it was James who emerged from beneath the cloak, ignoring the frantic whispers behind him.

'I have 'n idea!' he said, looking at his reflection in the visor of a suit of armour.

'James, c'mon!' Sirius urged, though he doubled over laughing.

'He's right,' hissed Remus. 'We're not s'posed to be here.'

But the idea had taken root and maybe it was the mead, but he felt like a genius right then.

'When was the last time we did a proper prank?'

Sirius caught on to the idea and appeared from beneath the cloak a moment later.

'Y'mean...?'

James nodded enthusiastically, grabbing onto Sirius.

'We gonna charm the...the...things?' asked Remus, still invisible.

Really, James had probably gotten the idea from Peeves, who would often float invisible and shout insults at random students. And Mary's assault was still too fresh in their minds.

James and Sirius shushed one another as they extracted their wands, signalling to the suits of armour that lined the corridor.

'C'mon, Moons!' Sirius said. There was a grunt somewhere behind them, then a muffled shuffling.

'How do I get this thing off?'

A moment later there was a thud and a sigh and a solitary foot became visible. James almost choked on the laughter he tried to fight, and dragged his cloak off their fallen friend.

It took them barely ten minutes to charm their way around the corridor, and it was just in time, for quiet footsteps could be heard in the distance. They almost tripped over one another as they scrambled for cover beneath the cloak and ran as fast as their drunk legs would carry them...almost right into Mr. Filch.

'Anyone there?' he demanded. He almost stepped right over Remus's leg as they fell into a wall and slid down it, cowering as they were.

Sirius just lost it, and he was pretty sure it wasn't the mead this time. He was caught in the moment, in the hilarity of their predicament, of James almost curled entirely on Moony's lap in order to stay under the cloak, of just being with two of his best friends and having the best time in such a troublesome predicament. If Peter had been with them, he would be pissing himself right now.

He had to bury his face in James's shoulder to stifle any sound, and he could feel tears streaming down his cheeks from the force of the laughter that shook him. And when he looked up, when he caught Remus's wide eyes above the hand firmly clamped over his mouth, he lost it again and grabbed James's sweater, and they were all still shaking in silent laughter long after Filch moved on.

It was a miracle that they made it back to Gryffindor Tower, and another entirely when they made it through the portrait hole and up the stairs. They all collapsed on Sirius's bed, Peter snoring away in the silence. By now, they could not control the subdued volume of their laughter. Remus could barely breathe at all; he didn't even make it onto the bed, just collapsed beside it with his back against the frame, the curtains in his face.

'So...close...' James wheezed. 'Can't...believe...'

'Moon?' A soft snore joined Peter's melody. 'I don't believe it.'

Sirius rolled back onto the mattress, accidentally head-butting James. It was lucky that the beds were rather spacious, luckier still that Remus hadn't quite made the climb.

'I think you're a bad influence, mate,' James said.

'Me? I haven't spoke to him in days! If anyone's a bad influence, it's you!'

'Could be Peter?'

They both looked at the curtains in the rough location of Peter's bed and burst into wheezing laughter.

'I missed you.' And with three words, James had brought a chill back to the moment. 'Don't do anything stupid like that ever again.'

Oh, he wouldn't. Not ever. It truly did put things in perspective; three years they had spent learning to be animagi, to do this great thing for Remus...and in two thoughtless minutes he had hurt him more than he ever thought he was capable of.

'And we have to do something about your family,' James said sleepily.

'There's nothing that can be done.'

'They're no good for you.'

'Tell me something I don't know.'

'You're better than them. I don't know about any "Black Family Madness", but you're a good person.'

Sirius grimaced. He wished that James wouldn't say things like that. Regulus may have been his brother by blood, but James was the brother who had earned that title, the person he was closest to in the entire world. And it was just cruel that the only time he ever felt loved was at the Potter residence, with Mrs. Potter's warm hugs and sublime cake, and Mr. Potter's genuine interest in his life and his hobbies and interests. For a few weeks every summer, he felt as though he were actually wanted.

He turned to James, wanted to say all this while the mead still gave him courage, wanted to ask him if he could spend Christmas with the Potters instead of returning home, if next year he could spend the entire summer there. But James was fast asleep, his mouth open and glasses still on.

It was probably a good thing, Sirius realised. Because in the end, he was the Black family heir. There were certain things that were expected of him, he couldn't just hide at his best friend's house.

Is it really any wonder, he thought as sleep came for him too, that half my family is mad? We're the ones who have to live with each other.

AN - Thanks for reading! And a huge thanks to PhoenixFireHope, Time Enough, Kazo Sakamari and crazylame1 for reviewing! It means a lot :).
I hope you enjoy the latest chapter - this was one of the trickiest to write but also one of the most fun, strangely.

As usual, please review! :)