Year of the Wolf

15. The War Outside the Walls

Winter thawed into spring quickly that year. There were daffodils around the lake by Easter and the sky began to brighten. For the fifth years, this hardly meant much; their workload had increased so much that they spent most of their time in the library or hidden away in the quiet of their dormitories. Even James and Sirius were finding that they actually had to put a little effort into their studies and toned down their mischief-making accordingly.

There was more talk too about which subjects they would carry on to N.E.W.T. level. James had, on several occasions, tried to casually pose the question of what Lily Evans would be taking, but Remus was just as in the dark as he. And the more that Remus thought about what to take, about where it would lead him and what sort of future he wanted...the more he realised that there was no guarantee that he had a future at all.

Because the truth was that he wouldn't have even been sitting his O.W.L.s if it weren't for Dumbledore. And Dumbledore wouldn't be able to help him through his entire life. He would likely never find an employer as understanding and open-minded as Albus Dumbledore, and so the stigma of his kind would follow him wherever he went. It terrified him, to think that after the shelter and acceptance of Hogwarts, he truly had no idea what it would be like to step out there into a world that shunned people like him.

He tried not to think about it too much, but it did prove rather distracting.

But in the week following the Easter holidays, something happened that distracted them all.

The news came to them through the Daily Prophet and through owls and word of mouth. It was a testament to how sheltered they were at Hogwarts, the ripple of shock that passed through the school. An attack, close to a hundred dead, Muggles and wizards alike. There were tears of relief at the breakfast table as students discovered that their families were alive and well. Some younger students cried, some older students did their best to comfort them. Remus even saw James leading a red-faced first year to McGonagall's office and plead with her to let the poor girl make a Floo call home. Sirius spent most of dinner glaring at the Slytherin table, at those they knew aspired to join the ranks of the Death Eaters.

That evening, there was a rather sombre gathering in Gryffindor Tower. A lot of the younger students had retreated silently to bed, some sat in the corners staring into space. But from fifth year and above, every member of Gryffindor house sat in a circle of armchairs and cushions, alternating between silence and shared opinions.

'My brother wants to be a Death Eater.'

It was Sirius who broke the latest silence, and his words earned him a few surprised looks, with a few glares of contempt. He sat on the floor, clutching a cushion to his chest.

'Well, we have the same parents, but he's hardly my brother.' His voice was bitter and resentful. 'Even after this...he keeps making excuses, keeps justifying their warped perspective. He's doing it because of "family honour", because for fourteen years all he's done is soak up their hatred and their lies and he thinks it's the right thing to do.'

James reached forward from where he sat on an armchair and gripped his friend's shoulder.

'My cousin is a Death Eater, I'd bet my broomstick on it, so's her husband. My other cousin is marrying someone I'm pretty sure has joined up too. Evan Rosier, he's my cousin by marriage, we all know who his father was and what he's going to be.'

'And who do you want to be?' asked Marlene. 'You talk about your family, but you ran away, Sirius, you were disowned. You're a Gryffindor! You're completely different to them.'

'Exactly,' he agreed. 'And when I've graduated, when I'm done with school and exams...I don't just want to sit on my arse and watch this war rage around me. I want to do something. I'm...I'm going to apply for Auror training. I'm going to do something about it.'

There were nods and murmurs of agreement. But Sirius closed his eyes and winced. Remus wanted to move and offer him support, but his limbs felt too heavy.

'I just wish...' He faltered for a moment, and Remus saw James squeeze his shoulder again. 'I just wish that he hadn't been so soft. I wish he hadn't been so stupid. I wish he hadn't chose them over me.'

There was a true division to the Gryffindors present. There were pure-bloods like James and Marlene, whose families did not buy into the pureblood movement, and there was Sirius, whose entire family had passed through Slytherin and was dotted with Death Eaters and vocal supporters of Voldemort. There were half-bloods like Remus and Hendricks, with one muggle parent. There were half-bloods like Reed, who couldn't even remember how far back their Muggle relative went, but whose bloodline was still considered "tainted" by some. And then there were muggle-borns, like Lily and Mary, who had no known magical relatives, no connection to the wizarding world beside themselves.

'You chose us,' Mary said in a weak voice. 'You chose what was right, and for someone like you to want to fight against their regime...well, I don't know about the others, but that gives me a little more faith in wizardkind.'

And she had a point. They could just sit by and let the war rage around them because it didn't involve them, or they could become involved and make a difference. If they left the Muggles and Muggle-borns to stand alone, then they really weren't any different to the Death Eaters.

She didn't know what to do. Ordinarily, she would have turned to Severus for comfort, if nothing else, but this was not something she felt comfortable exploring with him. She'd been feeling that way about him a lot recently. And who knew where their friendship was now? Because no matter how she told herself that she could turn him from the dark path he was on, she was beginning to see that perhaps he had missed the last exit and there really was no getting off now.

Mostly, she was angry. But also...she was afraid. Afraid for her parents, for her sister, afraid for those like her and the danger that was just all too real these days. When she had discovered that she was a witch, she had no idea that she was entering a world at war. And every year, Voldemort's power grew. Every year, exams and grades seemed less and less important. Others had asked what she wanted to do when she left school, but the truth was that she wasn't sure it would matter, really. What did any of it matter when people were dying around you? How could you sit in a cosy little office miles below ground, so detached from what was going on? No, she wanted to do something real, something good. Slughorn always said that she had talent. Well, she wanted to put that talent to use.

Lily wiped her damp eyes, knowing that they would not be the last tears that she shed over the matter. But it was okay to cry, she knew that. The trick was to not let the emotion behind it consume you.

'Is this what you want?'

An angry voice drifted around the corner. It was a familiar voice too, and she suddenly found herself devoid of all thought of returning to Gryffindor Tower.

'Is this what you hope to achieve? Are you a murderer?'

'You wouldn't understand, blood traitor!'

Peeking round the corner, she saw the words hit Sirius Black like a slap to the face. His brother stood but two feet from him, so unlike him yet so very like him; a startling juxtaposition.

'They didn't start this war,' Regulus said.

'Yes they did!' Sirius countered. 'They called for it, they pushed, what did they expect, that we wouldn't fight back?'

'It's for the good of our kind! A proud, noble cause.'

Sirius looked frantic, his hands in his hair, a wild look in his eyes. Lily was drawn to the confrontation with a fierce curiosity. She had never seen Sirius Black like this. Usually so calm, so cool, so relaxed, like the world was just a thing that happened around him and he involved himself when it suited him. She had never seen him act or hear him speak with such passion, and such desperation in his voice.

'You join them, you'll become just another murderer, just another bigot,' he told his little brother. 'You know how I feel about this, you know I won't just stand back and watch this unfold. You put yourself in league with him, you put yourself against me.'

Regulus looked at him determinedly.

'You made your choice, brother,' he said, mockingly. 'And I am making mine. You walked out on our family, you walked out on me, so don't you dare say that you are concerned, don't you dare try to involve yourself in my life. You gave up that right!'

'So I should have stayed? Ended up like you? There is no autonomy to you, Regulus. You're just a product of home, of them. Tell me, when you inherit the home, and the fortune...when you grow into the Black legacy, will you really grow into it? Will you cast your son away, treat him like he's worthless, just because he thinks for himself? Will you watch someone torture him and say he deserved it?'

Lily felt the heaviness of his voice, felt the hatred and the pain, and the truth of what his words implied hit her like an anvil dropping to her stomach. There was, she realised now, a side of the old pure-blood families that was as dark as the magic some of them practised.

Regulus said nothing and, with one last contemptuous look to Sirius, walked away.

Left behind, Sirius backed into a wall, balanced himself on a windowsill and buried his face in his hands. And Lily, being who she was, cared too much to walk away, even if this was Sirius Black, who had so often been on the guilty end of a wand when her best friend was jinxed.

He must have heard her footsteps, because he looked up, straightened, and smiled that cocky, self-sure smile he always wore.

'All right, Evans?' he asked casually. But there was still a wounded look in his eye, and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes and walk away because he wasn't worth it. Because maybe he was.

'Yeah,' she said, hoping that she had pulled off as convincingly casual a tone as he had. 'You?'

'Aside from being shocked you're coming anywhere near me, yeah, I'm not doing so bad.'

She was almost disappointed by his reaction. Sirius Black may not have been the womaniser one would expect from an almost insultingly handsome, rebellious boy with no shortage of female admirers, but he was the most contemptuous flirt, especially in difficult moments. And maybe that would have been easier to deal with than the demeanour of defiant "cool" he stubbornly wore. Alas, he showed no sign of flirtation with her. He never did.

'I, uh...heard you're living with Potter now?' It was the closest she felt comfortable getting to what she truly wanted to say.

He didn't even ask how she knew. It may not have been big news amongst the rest of the school, but it had been the talk of Slytherin house at the time. Indeed, Severus had painted the whole thing as Sirius's fault, being petulant enough to run away, not wanting to follow even his parents' rules. And Lily had been inclined to believe him, but after what she had overheard...well, it wouldn't really be enough to say that she felt rather guilty.

'He was always more of a brother to me than Regulus was,' Sirius said quietly. Then, the mask slipped. 'I know you-' A sigh. 'Doesn't really matter what you heard, to be honest.' He kicked at the ground, his hands in his pockets, a look of unconvincing indifference on his face.

She still did not know what to say, so she joined him on the windowsill.

'I have a sister,' she said. She didn't know why she said it or where she was going with it, but it felt right. 'She's a Muggle. Hates magic, and everything to do with it. She disagrees with everything I am, holds it in contempt. And I...I wish she'd be more open-minded. Because she's my sister, and I love her.'

'Will you look at that, Evans,' Sirius said, with a light tune of laughter to his voice. 'I guess we have something in common.'

'Maybe not,' she lamented. 'My parents didn't really take sides, but they didn't like the way she spoke to me sometimes. They were always very proud of me. Still are.'

'My parents are proud of me too.' He was actually smiling now, a far-away look in his eyes. 'I always get top marks, but every year they react the same. Celebratory gifts, praise like it's the first time I've done well at something.'

Lily shook her head in a twitch-like motion. This did not mesh with what she had heard.

'Wait a minute, I-'

Sirius smiled at her, and she could have been looking at a different person. He was happy, and far more handsome for it, and that look, that horrible one Regulus had brought upon him...it was gone.

'I don't think blood matters,' he said. 'Not really. You cut us, we all bleed the same. You, me...Remus. And I think that extends to family, too. As far as I'm concerned, Mr. and Mrs. Potter are my parents and blood doesn't even come into it. Merlin knows they're the only ones who ever treated me like a son.' There was a bitterness and restrained anger to these final words, and he seemed to suddenly snap out of some kind of reverie. She doubted that he would ever have said so much had she not caught him at what was evidently a vulnerable moment.

It was funny how she had spent so many years looking scornfully at him, but had never taken the time to talk, actually talk, to him. Didn't she use Severus's childhood as an excuse for his behaviour sometimes? From the sounds of things, Sirius had hardly had a much more cheerful one, even if his parents had looked after him.

And yet he seems physically repulsed by the idea of joining the Death Eaters, she told herself, as though determined to point out an awful truth that she had been dancing around. He's not aspiring to join them.

'You tell anyone we had this conversation, Evans...'

She rolled her eyes.

'You have a reputation to uphold, I understand,' she said.

He nodded brusquely and she took that as her sign to leave.

'Evans?'

She turned at the sound of her name. He was still leaning against the window ledge, still had his hands in his pockets.

'You're okay, right?'

There was barely time to contemplate all that she felt him asking with those three words. Muggles had died in this attack and...well, her entire family were Muggles. And the worst part? Severus had not once asked about her, or her family.

But Sirius Black had.

'Yeah...I'm okay.'

The common room was emptying now, and Remus noted that Lily and Mary were amongst the last to leave. In the end, it was only he, James, Sirius and Peter who remained, Sirius still sat on the floor hugging the same cushion in what was bordering on a brutal manner. Somewhere in the course of the solemn discussion, James had slid down next to him and was absent-mindedly pulling fluff out of the rug. James had been a man of few words tonight, he just kept throwing looks in Lily's direction, as though he wanted to say something but dared not in front of everyone else.

Remus noticed that Lily had been looking at Sirius at lot tonight, though he seemed to have been caught in his own thoughts for the most part. Mary had taken to looking at him a lot too, after the reveal of his Auror ambition, with a look of wistful respect. Remus remembered having overheard her talking to Lily the other day. 'What would he ever see in a girl like me?' she had asked. 'Why you want anything to do with Sirius Black is beyond me' he had heard Lily reply.

'I sent your letter to mum and dad with mine,' James said, talking to Sirius. 'The attack was in Wales, but...well, it's not easy being separated from family at a time like this. They'll...they'll be glad to know we're okay.'

Lyall had written to Remus almost immediately, to let him know that he and Hope were fine, that Hope's family were fine too, were miles away from where it all happened. He didn't tell the others this, though. They didn't know his mother was Welsh - she had lost her accent by the time he was in school - and they certainly didn't know that he had family still living there. He didn't want any misplaced sympathy.

He could almost hear Sirius wondering if any of his relatives were behind the events.

'Dad said it sounded like giants,' Remus said, hoping that he could offer some comfort. 'It was up near the mountains.'

'It just feels so real now,' said Peter.

Silence fell for a few long minutes, before James pushed himself to his feet, the first to move.

'I agree with Sirius,' he said. Sirius looked up at him, confused; he hadn't spoken in some time. 'I want to fight. So I'm going to apply for Auror training too, when I graduate. Been thinking about it for a while, actually.'

'B-but you could die,' squeaked Peter.

'Some things are worth dying for,' Sirius said.

'And this is definitely one of them,' James agreed. 'We're all going to die some day. The thing that makes all the difference is what we die for. I'd rather die at the hands of a Death Eater, trying to make this world a better place, than of old age after a life of turning a blind eye.'

Sixteen, and ready to give his life to a cause. Perhaps Remus would have felt a little more heartbroken had he not been thinking the exact same thing himself.

AN - Apologies for the double update! I posted the unedited version before I went away for the weekend and ended up hating parts of it and took it down as soon as I got back on a computer. So here's the edited one! Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter - I can't say enough how I appreciate it. There are only a few chapters left now, so the end is nigh.

As always, thank you and please review! :)