CHAPTER 17

Do I trust him or not? My heart, the one that longed for the brother I once knew, screamed yes; but my brain, the logical one, the one that remembered everything he did, disagreed. So badly did I want to just pull him into my arms and bring him into the house and so badly did I want to glance at Tobias, talk it through with him first. However, I feared, that if I did the latter, Caleb would leave and never return and I would never get my answers or, the emotional side of me added, would never get to see him again.

I felt Tobias' presence behind me and then his hand lightly touching the small of my back; his silent action of support. My mouth was dry and my throat felt tight and swollen from built up tears that had yet to fall. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out, only a slow exhale of my breath.

Suddenly a cry from upstairs echoed down the stairs and down the hallway, but I couldn't go to my son right now. In Caleb's facial expression, I saw something shift but I couldn't quite put my finger on what. Was it anger? Pity? I wasn't sure.

Tobias stepped forward, his body tense. "She'll have to think about it." The words were spat out with such hatred and fury that for a second he was not the Tobias I knew, nor was he the Four I knew, he was someone else who I did not recognise.

Taking the door in one hand, Tobias slammed it in my brother's face, leaving it just the two of us in the hallway. As soon as Caleb's face could no longer be seen and his voice could no longer be heard, I braced a hand against the wall and leaned back against it, feeling my legs become shaky underneath me. The tears that had been pent up inside me welled up in my eyes and threatened to spill over onto my cheeks. Furiously I blinked several times, trying to push the tears back.

Tobias turned around to face me just as I slid down the wall to crouch on the balls of my feet. Despite my attempts to prevent them, one tear escaped and ran down my cheek. I felt him more than saw the boy I love sit beside me and gather me into his arms. As soon as his arms had circled around me, a sob escaped me. Upstairs, Mason was still crying loud and clear, but right now I couldn't deal with him; I didn't even think I could form a coherent thought.

"Why? Why did he have to come here?" I whispered through the tears. Tobias pushed my head into his chest and I breathed in his scent to help soothe me.

"I don't know but he shouldn't have. If he does anything else to hurt you—" He cut off abruptly, his body tensing, clearly suggesting his ideas.

I pulled back, horrified, tears still in my eyes. I shook my head at him. "Oh, no, Tobias, please, don't." It surprised me as much as it surprised him. After everything he had done to me, after betraying the only sister he had, how could I still care for him? However, deep down, my heart still loved the brother I had once had, the brother who protected me from everything. I still loved him despite everything, because he was my brother.

Tobias' eyes searched my face thoroughly. It seemed that he saw the thoughts I was having because he nodded and drew me close again.

"What do I do?" I whispered, the words coming out on an exhale of breath. For a second, only silence followed and I wasn't sure if I either hadn't voiced the question aloud or whether I had spoken it too softly.

Eventually he answered, his voice pitched low, "Nothing," Sensing a string of protests about to come, he added, "For tonight. For now, we will sleep and work it out in the morning." He stood, bringing me up with him.

As he led me back towards the bedroom, I realised that, not once, did he break contact with me and I couldn't help but remember the day Tobias and I had escaped from Jeanine's hands.

When we got back up to the bedroom, Mason was still crying, however he was unaware of the events that had just taken place, he only simply wanted food. I sunk onto the edge of the mattress and peered into the crib to where my baby cried, just watching him before I begun to feed him. He lay on his back with his limbs sprawled. He looked so innocent and I remembered a time when my life used to be like that, when there was a time where you used to have nothing to worry about, except for getting perfect grades in school, being good for your parents and—if you were in Abnegation, making sure you were selfless. Sometimes… I wished I could go back to those days.

Carefully, I scooped Mason into my arms and offered him my breast so that he could feed. Tobias still stood in the doorway, just silently watching. Once Mason had finished and had fallen asleep in my arms, we stayed in those positions for what felt like hours—me with Mason asleep in my arms on the bed and Tobias standing quietly in the doorway.

Eventually Tobias managed to convince me to get some sleep, to let my mind wander into my dreams to distract me. After a little bit of disagreeing, I finally unwillingly placed Mason back in his crib and slipped underneath the covers. Tobias crossed the room, still not speaking a word, and joined me under the sheets and quilt.

I felt the tension hanging under the blankets and from the corner of my eye I saw Tobias make a move as if about to reach out and pull me into his embrace. But he did't, sensing that I might not want to be touched, that I might just want to be left alone. To show my feelings, I rolled onto my side so that my back was facing him and closed my eyes, wishing, hoping that sleep would take me away.

***PAGE BREAK***

I suspected Tobias had already fallen asleep although his breathing didn't sound slow and drawn out like it did when he was asleep.

Nevertheless, I pushed back the covers and slipped out of bed, walking cautiously so as not to wake Mason or Tobias, and headed down to the lounge room.

Downstairs, the room was chilly so I gathered some firewood from a basket and began to light a small fire, just big enough to produce enough heat to keep me warm. Once the fire was built up, I took a seat on the couch and stared into the flames, thinking about what my brother, Caleb had said.

He was my brother and I still loved him; I think I would always love him, but the question was could love and my heart help me forgive him? I still didn't know why he had betrayed him and secretly, I wanted my brother back. Almost instantly after having that thought, I felt like I was the traitor.

I stayed like that until morning broke, the sun's rays had filtered in through the windows and what were left of the fire were only ice cold ashes. Tobias wandered down the stairs and found me still sitting in the same position. It seemed like it had only been a second Tobias had stood there before Mason started to cry again.

For the first time in hours I stood up, feeling my muscles crack and pop. Brushing past Tobias, with only a small touch of his hand on mine, I raced up the stairs to where my weeping son awaits. He was hungry again and so I instantly began to feed him. Tobias followed shortly after, two mugs of hot tea in his hands. He placed one—mine—on the nightstand.

Once I had shifted Mason to one arm and had my fingers wrapped around my mug, I said what was on my mind, "I think I'm going to let Caleb explain."

If he was surprised or shocked, he didn't show it. He only nodded and replied, "Okay." I don't know what I was exactly expecting from Tobias when I had told him, but it certainly wasn't this.

"That's it? You're just going to say 'okay'?"

Tobias shrugged and took a sip of tea. "He's your brother, Tris. I don't expect you to not be curious and want answers; in fact, that's what I expected. You have every right to want to know why but if you do go through with this, I want to be there with you—just to make sure he doesn't hurt you."

I shook my head. "No, this is something that I need to do on my own." When I saw disagreement and protests rising up in Tobias, I added, "Please."

He didn't look happy about it, not one bit but he eventually agreed.

Tobias made sure I had eaten a quick breakfast and had showered, while I made sure that he had everything he needed to take care of Mason.

Kissing Tobias and Mason goodbye, I set out to confront my brother. Who knows if it would be the last time I would ever see him or not?