DSOAS
Updated because... Someone asked for it. And it was thier birthday. This is actually more of a rant than anything. I am having a bit of a "my soul dies every time I read/look at someone elses' writing/art and realize just how crappy I am" sort of month. Or two. Actually. Anyways... Yeah. Think of it what you will.
Dear Diary
I did it again today. Cut myself, I mean. It wasn't really on purpose. I mean, it was, but not really. I didn't mean to do it, I just sorta did. It didn't hurt. Not in any way that mattered.
It makes me feel okay again, doing it. It makes me feel safe. Pretty twisted, huh? Slashing yourself up with a razor blade to make yourself feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. What a joke. I'm so screwed up it's funny.
But you know what? I know EXACTLY why cutting myself makes me feel the way I do. I know EXACTLY why I'm screwed up, how I'm screwed up. I understand it all, better than even Ha-san ever could.
And that's my problem, my real problem. I think about myself too much, I know too much about myself. I have looked my terrors in the face and I know them, and they are so much more terrible for it. Sometimes I wish that I could be like other people, blissfully unaware of who they really are, what they're really capable of. I'd love to indulge in a little self delusion every once in a while. But I'm too busy trying to delude everyone else.
Maybe if they knew who I really was, it would be easier. Maybe if they knew how they were hurting me, without even realizing, then they would stop and I'd really be ok again. Or maybe they'd just leave. Maybe they'd be so disgusted with the pathetic, selfish little worm that I am that they'd just walk away and leave me all alone. I couldn't handle that. I'd die.
My problems are pretty much the same as Yuki's, just with a different emphasis. I have the same abandonment issues as my poor baby brother. Our parents were just as cold to me as I was to him. It was like I didn't exist. That can REALLY screw a kid up. Make him into the pathetic attention whore I am today. It doesn't matter what I have to do, as long as all eyes are on me. If I talk loud enough, maybe someone will actually listen. Maybe someone will hear, and help me.
But they never do. It doesn't matter how loudly I shout, how outrageous I become, they never, ever get past the noise to what I'm really trying to say. They get so caught up with the advertisements that they forget the product entirely. It backfires. But that's ok. That's almost what I want.
Because, you see, I have other issues as well. As much as I need attention, I'm also afraid of it. Attention isn't always good. It can be very, very bad.
So I'm stuck, you see. I am constantly afraid, stuck between two insatiable needs; the need to be seen, and the need to be invisible. I want everyone to look at me, and when they do, I hide from their eyes.
That's why this happy act works so well. Everybody looks at me, but they don't really see me. I get the attention I want without the risk. Or at least, less of a risk than before. I can build a wall around myself, one no one will ever be able to get through. I become untouchable. A rock star, up on stage away from the screaming masses.
Heh… I like that. Ayame Sohma, rock star.
But… Someone's gotten through, haven't they? That girl… That Tohru. I don't even really like her, but she's somehow found a way on stage. I guess it's because she's everything I'm not. She's open, honest, caring. She has every reason to feel the same as me, as Yuki, but she doesn't. She faced the same obstacles as I did, but she succeeded where I failed. She is stronger than me. Better.
I hate her. She throws my faults in my face with all that blunt, honest charm and then expects me to fix myself, just like that. Like I can just change who I am, if I could only realize what I was doing. Like it was that simple.
She doesn't know anything. She wants me to become friends with Yuki, well, sure, I want that too. But she wants me to be honest with him. She thinks being honest about my feelings, about why I am who I am, will somehow make him understand, and if he understands then he'll love me and we'll be one happy family again. But he won't, if he knew, if he really know who his brother was, then he'd hate me even more. He really would skin me alive. No… It'd be too much effort. He'd just leave me alone like I left him.
I can't do it! I can't. I just can't. I'll lie, I'll just keep lying, and then I'll become the lie. If I believe in it hard enough, then it will come true. I really can be as shallow and cold as I make myself to be. Then it will all just slide off me, like rain off a window. Then I really will be untouchable.
Fuck. I'm not making any sense. I'm actually crying. Me, Ayame Sohma, crying. I'm such a loser. Heh, I wonder if Yuki's little friend would still call me "Commander" if he could see me now. All blubbery-eyed and sad, slitting my own wrist like some kind of suicidal teenager. He'd probably hurl.
I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I don't want to sleep. I don't want to dream. Maybe if I let enough blood out, I'll just feint. Maybe I'll actually die. That'd be nice. Sleep a dreamless sleep, unbothered by the constant terror of living, for all eternity. It's very appealing at the moment.
But that whole 'life flashing before your eyes' thing would really suck. I try to think about my life as little as possible, and being reminded of all that sick shit would just make me cranky.
There I go again. Making fun, even in my 'most private' of places. Maybe I really am starting to become the lie. Meh. I don't even care anymore.
I'm going to bed.