I stared at the pregnancy test before blinking a few times to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, I put it on the side, carefully lined up with the two others. Deja vu hitting me as I recalled the excitement and nervousness of the last time I was here, the nervousness this time was from a different kind of fear. The kind of fear that comes from the bitterness of carrying a child you never got to hold. Only something was different compared to the last time I found myself sat on a tiled bathroom floor with my knees pulled high against my chest, this time there was a tiny knock at the door.
"Mama, come and play birds with me before night night story." I heard the familiar voice call through the crack between the door.
I quickly pulled myself together and put the positive tests in the waste basket, opening the door to find my three year old in her dinosaur onesie. "Only if Mommy can play too little dude." I furrowed my brow, recalling the tantrum she threw yesterday over the makeshift wings I made for Bo 'because only her and mama have real wings.'
"Seriously, I'm cool. Wearing fairy wings isn't really my style anyway." Bo called from the bottom of the hallway, carrying a pile of laundry into our bedroom.
"They aren't fairy wings, they're valkyrie wings." I huffed, folding my arms as I thought back to all the mocking directed at me in the precinct when Dyson and Hale caught me bedazzling a pair of $5 costume fairy wings in the stationary cupboard.
"They itch and Sif doesn't like them, she likes playing birds with her mama." I heard Bo call from our bedroom before appearing back in the hallway sans laundry. "Tam, it's okay, seriously. Me and Munchkin have special games that only we're allowed to play. Right Sif?" Bo grinned, swooping down to pick up our giggling daughter.
"Yes, like Netflix." she beamed back, the concept of a 'game' going over the top of her head.
Bo put Sif down back on the floor as a tiny mass of blonde hair and blue eyes shot off to her room, before edging closer towards me, pulling me into her arms and kissing my collarbone "And me and Mama have special games that only we're allowed to play too, right mama?" she teased, her hands finding their way to the small of my back as I deepened the kiss, my fingers gently stroking the soft skin of her neck as I let her pull chi from me.
"You taste different." she commented, licking her lips as if the taste of me lingered on them.
"Well, er-" I paused, choking up as the fear of admitting the truth to her shook me to the core slightly. It wasn't that she wouldn't be excited, we'd been trying for a little brother or sister for Sif for months now, but now that it was real and not just fantasy anymore. It was scary. "There's something I need to tell you, but it can wait until later." I whispered, buying myself some time.
"No way, tell me now." she pouted, impatient as always.
"Trust me?" I asked, biting my cheek as the nervousness radiated from me. "Just give me an hour okay? I just need to clear some things in my head." I whispered.
"For you? Anything." she laughed, stroking my cheek before running footsteps drew both of our attention.
"Munchkin, what have I told you about running near the stairs?" Bo huffed, doing the disapproving sigh all mothers seem to master.
"Sorry Mommy." she replied with her sweetest smile, eager to avoid a punishment. Sif had Bo wrapped around her little finger that was for sure.
"Just don't do it again sweetie." she relented, patting down her long blonde hair before making her way downstairs.
"She's so going to be Dark." I muttered with a smirk.
"Mama?" Sif asked, turning to face me as I heard Bo's footsteps enter the kitchen out of earshot. "Are you Dark? Donnie at school says Dark Fae are mean." she frowned.
"Do you think Mama is mean?" I asked, turning the question back on her.
"No, Mama plays birds with me and makes me ice cream sundaes when Mommy is with Aunt Kenzi." she grinned, throwing me the familiar stare that told me I was her hero.
"Well Mama is Dark and Mommy didn't want to be Dark or Light so she decided to be a Rainbow instead, she's the best of both." I explained as gently as possible.
"Can I be Rainbow too Mama?" she jumped up and down, her eyes widening in excitement.
"You can be anything you want to be, but I think Mommy will be happy that you want to be a Rainbow too." I whispered, bending down to kiss her cheek. "But you have to stop growing up okay? You have to stay little forever." I frowned, pulling her in for a hug as I realised how big she was getting.
"Can we play birds now?" she sighed, clearly bored of me smothering her.
"Depends if you can keep up with your old mother." I grinned mischievously, closing my eyes as they turned into the familiar shade of black that seemed to horrify everyone other than my daughter and wife, my wings protruding from my spine as I arched them wide.
I opened my eyes, seeing a tiny mirror image in front of me as Sif arched and flapped her little chicken wings, as I affectionately called them. She couldn't fly yet but it didn't stop her running around the house pretending to be everything from a baby chicken to a butterfly. Her eyes were sullen and dark, her cheek bones protruding as a gigantic smile lit up her face. "Can't catch me Mama." she giggled, running down the stairs as I rolled my eyes and followed in quick pursuit, until everything unfolded in slow motion before me, my heart dropping out of my chest as I watched her wobble and miss the step.
"Sif!" I screamed as I launched out to grab her as she tumbled over her feet at the top of the stairs, except the thud of her hitting the bottom of the staircase didn't echo out. I opened my eyes from the wince I'd squeezed them into.
"Mama look, I'm not a little chicken anymore! My wings work! I can fly too!" she shouted with excitement as her little chicken wings flapped furiously as she hovered daringly a little higher.
"Get back down here right now!" I growled a warning, fearful that any minute they would stop and she would fall from the height of the ceiling.
"Can't catch me Mama." she whispered through narrowed eyes, challenging me as her little wings buzzed wildly whilst she darted towards the open archway of the kitchen where she knew the back door would be wide open.
I jumped over the banister, my own wings furiously taking off as I tried my hardest not to break anything - knowing Bo would kill me if anything was damaged. Every time I reached out to grab her she flew a little bit faster, a little bit more adventurous as she picked up the skill quickly.
"Bo close the damn door!" I yelled, reaching out to grab the airborne toddler in front of me.
"What?" Bo called from the kitchen before she spotted us nose diving towards her as she jumped out of the way, Sif giggling as she flapped her wings a little faster towards the open door.
"Don't you dare young lady." I challenged her as she stopped for a second and turned back with the same look in her eyes I used to throw Acacia when I was little and set on doing something.
"Birds fly outside. I'm a bird." she yelled as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Before she could so much as think of her next move, Bo threw a blanket over her, disorientating her for the split second it took for me to grab her and pass her to Bo.
"Ha! Caught you! Like a jellyfish in Spongebob's net!" Bo fist bumped the air as our three year old sulked in her arms, popping her head out of the blanket as she slouched her shoulders.
"No fair. Mama gets to fly." she huffed.
"And when Mama flies in the house I have to zap her with the bug zapper, you don't want Mommy to have to zap you with the bug zapper, do you?" Bo teased as I retracted my wings, closing the back door just to be safe.
"Sif, when Mama tells you to do something, you do it." I barked, my heart still racing at the prospect of a flying toddler escaping into the night sky.
"But you don't do what I tell you to do." she reasoned with her three year old logic.
"That's because I'm the big bird and you're the little bird." I crossed my arms. "No ice cream for the rest of your life." I punished her. "Or cookies." I added.
"Okay Tams-" Bo went to placate me.
"Or chocolate." I added, Sif's watering eyes breaking my heart a little.
"Tamsin calm do-"
"Or Netflix." I finally added, narrowing my eyes into a serious stare at my daughter as she broke into floods of tears.
"Woah, okay Hitler let's just take a minute!" Bo finished my rant. "She's three." she added as our daughter buried her head into her mom's shoulder and cried.
"Donnie was right, Dark Fae are mean!" she squealed, wiggling her way out of Bo's arms before running upstairs in fits of tears.
"No Netflix Tamsin, really?" Bo stared at me incredulously.
"I'm not kidding around, she scared me today." I choked up, her words rushing through my ears 'Dark Fae are mean.'
"Look, I don't know what's gotten into you - but go and run a bath, unwind? I'm going to put Sif down for bed." she sighed, running her hand through my blonde locks as I leaned against the kitchen counter. "Maybe I could come and join you in the bath afterwards? Bottle of wine and you can tell me what's going on?" she suggested, her big brown eyes widening in the hope that I'll finally divulge the news I'd been sitting on.
"Sure babe." I forced myself to smile, kissing her forehead.
. . . . . . . . . .
I leaned against the back of the tub as Bo faced opposite me, the candle light casting the room in an ambient glow, I rested my hands on the top of her knees and closed my eyes for a second.
"What's wrong with you? You haven't even touched your wine?" Bo asked with perplexion, clearly not picking up the little hint.
"I er- I can't drink right now." I played it down, pushing the wet blonde tendrils of hair out of my face.
"Tam, what's going on?" she finally asked, sitting upright and entwining my fingers with hers.
"I'm scared to tell you, in case it doesn't work out." I choked a whimper as tears threatened to spring at my eyes, remembering how close she came to losing me last time. How close I came to losing myself last time.
"Tell me you're not having an affair Tamsin." her eyes watered, staring at me as if she was weighing up my soul.
"What? No! I scowled, sniffing back tears I wouldn't let come to the surface. "I'm bound to you Bo, you're stuck with me until I die." I couldn't help but laugh.
"Then what the hell is going on Tamsin?!" she panicked.
"I'm- I'm pregnant." I softened. "We're happy about it, right?" I asked with a nervous disposition, as if Bo might snatch back everything she'd said.
Bo's face widened into a smile so wide I could practically see my teeth in her reflection as a rush of air left her lungs.
"We're having another baby?" she asked, her eyes hopeful as a gasp left her lips. "We're going to be moms again?"
I nodded my head as she began to cry tears of joy. "I'm so happy T." she grinned through teary eyes, reaching out to touch my stomach where a bloated bump was beginning to protrude. "How far along do you think you are?" she asked, expecting me to say two or three weeks.
"I think I'm around eight weeks." I half whispered, knowing exactly what was about to follow.
"Eight weeks? Eight weeks and you're only telling me now babe?" she sputtered.
"I was scared." I murmured, touching my stomach as I thought back to the last time we found ourselves in this position. "I didn't want to tell you to early in case things didn't work out, I didn't want to hurt you again." I softly explained, unable to meet her gaze as feelings of shame and failure burnt through every neuron of my mind.
"Hey, it's going to be okay babe, just- don't blame me if I don't let you out of the house for the next seven months." Bo teased, offering me her hand as we stepped out of the bath. "I love you so much Tamsin." she purred as her hand crept from behind me to stroke my stomach, I grabbed the towel and started drying myself off, reaching for my underwear before Bo grabbed them from my hand and threw them across the room.
"You're not going to need those tonight, trust me." she mused, pulling me in for a kiss as her hands worked their way over my body, lingering over my stomach now and again before trailing further down, teasing me whilst she dragged me towards our bedroom. "You're calling in sick tomorrow, I want you all to myself." she laughed, kissing my shoulder blades as she pushed me on all fours on top of our bed.