Author's WARNING: The following chapter contains much witty banter of a descriptive and graphic sexual nature. VERY NSFW. Just in case.
So basically, if y'all is at school, just wait till you get home or at least make sure no-one can read over your shoulder, hah?

' But why do I have to wiggle my butt so much? it's a pain in the- well, the butt!' Fionna protested, looking back over her shoulder at Femme, who was making a picture frame with her hands, one eye closed as she looked through it at the adventuress.
' Because the eye is naturally drawn to movement, and because boys like it when you shake what ya mama gave ya.' Fionna rolled her eyes, turning around and concentrating on putting one foot perfectly in front of the other. Femme said this technique helped you roll your hips naturally, and although Fionna could definitely feel that she was correct, it was an alien sensation and quite hard to get used to.
The shapeshifter had left the previous afternoon, in spite of Fionna's pleading for her to give her a reason not to go apologise to Cake, and hadn't turned up until around midday today. Fionna suspected that Femme was trying to force her to make amends with Cake (and she had, begrudgingly) but then, instead of doing anything cool, Femme had just made her walk up and down for like, an hour.
' Why?' Femme dropped her hands and shrugged in exasperation.
' Well, I don't know, do I? I'm not a guy, don't ask me what it is about asses that they love so much. It's not a rule either, some men prefer boobs, some are all about the legs. So if you learn how to utilise all three, you'll turn into a walking man-trap, and that is some fun I'll tell ya. You'll never get things easier than when a dude wants to bone you.' Fionna snorted, walking back in the other direction again.
' You have so many slang terms for y'know, doing the do.'
' And your unwillingness to even simply say have sex is frankly adorable, my dear. Speaking of which: am I right when I assumed that what kitty-kat said meant you only found out exactly what sex is last night?' Fionna frowned for a second, her mood tainted by the memory of their fight and the awkward, half-apologies from both parties, then nodded.
'Yeah, actually. I knew bits and pieces but I didn't know about any of the nitty-gritty stuff.'
' Such as?' Fionna blushed when she turned back around, and Femme immediately grinned, excited for the teasing opportunities that were about to come her way.
' Such as it involved a dude putting his thing inside you.'
' Fionna, saying thing makes you sound like an elementary schooler. Say penis, or dick or cock.' Femme snickered slyly when Fionna turned crimson in response, then the adventuress jabbed a finger at her.
' You did that on purpose! Gah, you're as bad as Marshall.' Femme shook her head, sticking out her tongue through her teeth.
' Oh no, not even close. I'm much worse. And that's just penetrative intercourse, your standard dictionary definition of what sex is. The galaxy is larger than the star at its center.'Fionna, who's legs were now actually starting to ache a little bit, sat down in front of Femme and flicked her fringe impatiently.

' Enlighten me then. You're the one with all the experience.' Femme looked around for a proper seat, rather than simply plonking down on the grassy hillside the way Fionna had done. But she couldn't spot one, so she shrugged and took a seat in front of the adventuress.

' Oh, where to start- Okay, so do you know what the point of sex is? Beyond making babies, that's just an unfortunate side-effect of an otherwise healthy and fun-filled leisure activity.' Fionna gave Femme a look that told her she got enough deadpan humour from people that weren't her, then nodded.
' Yeah.'
' So then you've done it for yourself, I'm guessing?' Femme questioned easily, and laughed-though not unkindly- at Fionna's expression. She squirmed uncomfortably, looking down at the grass and hunching her shoulders in.
' EB, don't be embarrassed, there's nothing shameful about it. Lots of animals do it, it's healthy. Fuck, if people didn't get themselves off once in a while there'd be so much frustration and pent up sexual tension around that you'd be able to start a fight at the drop of a hat because peeps just wanna relieve some stress. It's completely normal.' Fionna looked up at the shapeshifter, her lip twisted oddly.
' Still, it just seems kinda... It doesn't seem like something you should talk about.' Femme nodded.
' Yeah, it's not dinner conversation, but you can still discuss it when it's relevant without getting awkward. Understanding y'self first will help you tell your partner what you like; It gives you a baseline the first few times when you're figuring each other out sexually, and that's when you get to the romantic point: You wanna make someone feel good. That's true for all sexual relations but it's more important with a lover than with a hookup because you'll kinda have to see the lover again and you probably actually like them.' Fionna thought about this for a second then nodded. That made sense.
' Okay got that. So how does this relate to your galaxy of uhm, sex?'
' Well, when you understand that the point of sex is to get yourself and your partner off in any way possible, you realise there are many, many different ways it can be accomplished. It can use almost every part of your body, toys, roleplaying, even location can be a factor in turning someone on. It's up to you and your partner to figure out what works best for the two of ya.' Fionna blinked at her then shook her head, holding up a hand.
' That's all fine, but that sounds like the icing on the cake. Just tell me what the hell I do when I'm in there.' Femme nodded and smiled at her, relishing her position of teacher with a completely clueless student. She liked being in charge, in all areas of life. It was kind of her thing. She just didn't like responsibility.
There were certain things she and Marshall agreed on.

' So, for a man, usually what they want is to put their cock either in or on you in some way, shape or form. This can include putting it in your mouth and having you suck it, which is called oral sex, putting it in your vajayjay which is your standard issue vanilla penetrative sex, or putting it in your butt, which is called anal sex.' Fionna grimaced at the last one and stuck her tongue out in distaste.
' Ew. Why would they want to put it in your butt? That's disgusting.'
' Meh. Some guys have a thing for ass, I told you that. And in that situation you'll usually clean up very, very well before anything happens. People who have a thing for poop are just weird, don't even.' Fionna's expression became even more scandalised.
' Uhm, sex is kind of gross.' She pointed out. Femme nodded sagely.
' Yes, yes it is. But it feels damn good, and when you're in the middle of it you won't even care.'

Fionna shrugged, still not appearing entirely convinced but taking her word for it. After all, she had gotten turned on by the thought of Marshall taking his mouth downstairs, back before she understood any of this. Back before she knew he had actually done so. Creep.
She was still gonna get him back for that. She was gonna make him beg for her forgiveness, and then she'd withhold it until he was a miserable wreck for invading her privacy like that and then obviously skipping out to avoid the consequences. Counting on Femme's assistance, he'd want her so badly that as soon as she figured out how she'd get away with it, then the real adventuring could commence.
But making him chase her would also give her the time to decide whether she even wanted to get away with it. Whether he was worth the time and effort or whether she should move on to someone who hadn't treated her so insensitively. She couldn't decide without seeing him again.
But if she did decide he wasn't what she wanted, this still wouldn't go to waste. She could use Femme's advice for any man, or so it seemed.

Fionna made a continue gesture with her hand, and Femme cleared her throat.
' So those are the three base types of sex. Oral sex can be done on and performed by either a girl or a boy, and so can anal, but obviously vaginal can only happen to a girl.'
' Wait, how can a girl give a guy um, anal?' Fionna questioned, disliking the word. It had a weird sound to it that made her spine crawl. Femme grinned at her, snapping her fingers and pointing at her appreciatively.
' And with that question darling, we neatly segway into enhancing those three base types of sex. This can be done chemically, mentally, situationally, or with foreign objects.' Fionna looked vaguely apprehensive, turning her face away slightly.
' Foreign objects sounds... dangerous.'
' Well that's kinda funny, because that's the most common one. I'll leave the descriptions of the actual items up to Marshall- I can't take away all of his fun- but all it means is something that you put in or on yourself or your partner's body to enhance the experience. That applies to chemicals too, but obviously that's messing with your brain directly, which is a little more risky. And as for your question, there is such thing as fake dicks.' Fionna frowned then slowly nodded and patiently waited for Femme to continue. It took Femme a minute to decide how to approach the last one, because it was probably the easiest to screw up in the moment.
' So then you have situations and the mental state. Obviously, you have to be somewhat interested in having sex, you can't just start boning and expect your partner to be into it. That's rape, even if you're dating the person at the time. But beyond that, yours and your partner's mental state and the factors that contribute to it will have a big effect on how good the sex is for both of you. For example, some people like to fuck in places where they might get caught: the risk factor makes it better for them. Then some people like to restrain their partner, or themselves be restrained during sex because that sense of control, or lack thereof, is what gets them off. Mental state is a very complicated matter, and it isn't one you should try to figure out through trial and error, as getting it wrong could be really, really bad for your relationship and for whoever you're with. You gotta talk about that sort of stuff, no matter how awkward it might seem.' Femme had a sudden epiphany moment that resulted in a rather hastily composed example
' Say, l-like what we're doing here: Turning you into a sexual fantasy with these clothes and these little tips to make you more attractive to him. That doesn't mean you should let people treat you as just a sexual fantasy, and that's what Cake was worried about. She's afraid that you'll stop being all of the other stuff that makes you you and not just a walking vagina, right? So if he takes it too far towards the sex without the love, it might ruin it for you, because you'll feel like he's just using your body rather than being with you. And you gotta let him know that before it creates problems you can't fix.'

Fionna stayed silent for a minute, thinking over what Femme had just told her. Understanding why Cake had been so unreasonable made her feel a little bad for being so close-minded herself, but it also made her feel a little insulted. Cake ought to know that she wasn't like that, so she didn't go back on what she had said.
However, the mention of restraints had piqued her interest, and when she realised exactly why that was, she blushed a rather spectacular shade of magenta. Femme noticed immediately and tipped her head to the side, leaning in closer and smiling.
' What? What is it, what're you thinking, eh?'
' Um, nothing.'
' Fionna, spill or I'll do something.' The adventuress looked up, one eyebrow cocked.
' Oh not something, anything but that!' She sniped, giving Femme a Bitch-Please look. Femme laughed and nodded.
' Kudos for the sarcasm, but seriously, I wanna know.' Fionna sighed and pulled a flower out of the ground next to her knee, starting to pick off the petals.
' Y'know how I said he pinned me down? After eavesdropping on me? And by the way, when I said he was eavesdropping on me when I was alone, well... you can probably figure out what he heard.' Femme tipped her head back, making a small noise of understanding.
' Ah, gotcha. That must've been a little mortifying.' Fionna laughed shortly, without much humour.
' Try a lot. Anyway, when he had me pinned, he started kissing my neck- for a second I thought he was gonna bite me but then he was just like, licking me and... I kind of hated how I couldn't do anything, how he wasn't letting me move but because of what he was doing I-I... I liked it too, and I only just now realised.' She finished quickly, turning pink again. Femme grinned and shook her head. This girl was just so cute, dear lord. Considering how apparently lethal she was too, when you considered her performance with that scaly dog whatever, the contrast between her physical prowess and her lack of confidence when it came to using it was startling and adorable.
' Heh, considering what he had in his kink box I reckon Marshall will love that.' Fionna sighed at his name and looked at Femme, her eyebrows suddenly furrowing in determination.
' Femme, you've known Marshall-lee a really, really, really, really, really, re-'
' Okay, you can stop there. Yes, I've known him for donkey's, what's your point?'
' Is he worth all this?'

Femme thought about it for a minute. She had only gotten involved for a little project, something to do that would make a great anecdote. She wasn't that interested in whether these two worked out, though in the course of having spent a day or two with the girl next to her, she was starting to believe that she would be good for Marshall. Marshall-lee had problems, the really deep-seated ones which caused actual issues. Everyone did, but his were on the darker, more serious end of the spectrum because he wasn't stupid. Fionna was very forgiving, (as evidenced by how she still liked that impulsive little vampire slut, in spite of his occasional idiocy) but she had the energy and charisma to keep Marshall interested, or so she believed. After all, he was already falling in love with her, wasn't he? And she'd never seen Marshall claim more than physical attraction for a person he hadn't bedded at least a few times before. He test-drove all his cars before he even got a quote from the dealership.
She was just making the roadtrip of their relationship a little more interesting. Call her an enabler, but it wasn't in her job description to care about what happened afterwards.
Man, where had all these car salesman metaphors come from?

Femme flicked her tongue out over her lips and popped them once before she answered.
' That's really up to you, Fionna. You're still after him, even though he's made mistakes with you and failed to apologise. So It seems you think so. But me? Marshall's not as bad as he makes out to be. Just... insecure, I think. And kind of skittish. He panics easily. So if you can put up with his fuck ups for the sake of when things go right, then yeah. He's worth it.' Fionna didn't look as if her question had been answered by this, so Femme reached across and pulled off her bunny hat, ruffling her fringe.
' And hey, if you decide he's a dickbag, that accounts for all your relationships. The good times have gotta be worth the bad, because you'll get both. If you can put up with them when they're being stupid, and you love them when they're not, hang on to it.' Fionna snatched her bunny hat back and laughed as she tugged it on.
' Yeah, alright.' Femme smirked at her, though not unkindly, recognising the irony of her dishing out relationship advice when she hadn't been with anybody emotionally in more than a century. Because so far, no-one could compare to him.
No-one could replace her Mew-mew.

'... I wrestle with my thoughts, I shook the hand of doubt
Running from my past I'm praying feet, don't fail me now

I've lost my goddamn mind
It happens all the time
I can't believe I'm actually meant to be here
Trying to consume
The drug in me is you
And I'm so high on misery, can't you see?'

Marshall had missed the sound of his cursed guitar. It was one of the only objects that could literally never leave the Nightosphere (all that crap about 'No-one leaves' was just his mother being a bitch) because if it did, the curse would drive him insane, making his fingers twitch whenever they weren't holding the strings and his mind fixate on whatever song he had last used it to play. That was the danger of it but my gob, the sound more than made up for it. It was just so damn sexy.
Speaking of sexy, Fionna was still on his mind (it would be more shocking when she wasn't) and he had picked the song because that was how she was making him feel. He was a junkie without his fix, trying to get high on the thought of her but it wasn't enough.
After his conversation with Alexander the two had continued to drink and talk because as Marshall had discovered, the older man was actually pretty cool. The fact that he was a dad didn't seem to have changed his personality, apart from the occasional anecdote about his kids that would leave him starry-eyed.
Alexander actually admitted to being a long time fan of the Rock Gods, which stroked Marshall's ego to no end, and the last thing he remembered was being kicked out of the pub after he and Alexander had begun drunkenly singing one of the more lewd tracks, entitled 'Bite Me'. They'd taken Marshall's (second) bottle of whisky with them and everything was a blur from then as the alcohol kept flowing. He'd woken up back in his room after a dreamless sleep and had consequently spent nearly an hour in the shower trying to ease off some of the tension but it hadn't worked as well as he'd hoped. Just thinking about her, picturing her wasn't satisfying him anymore. Even when he didn't need to fuck her anymore, he still wanted to feel her holding him, to listen to her voice and to just physically be in her presence. It was getting harder and harder not to leave, and he'd only been away a little while.

His mother was right. He'd have to go back. It had been five days since he'd managed to get stuck in the bathroom. Just five bloody days.
But something was still holding him frozen with inertia, in spite of having met with Alexander and realising that dads could essentially be normal people, if it came to that (which was a very real possibility). If Fionna had his baby, it wouldn't necessarily change him all that much. Apart from the fact that if he ended up in the media for whatever reason, he'd be referred to as 'Father of one.'
But fuck, what would it possibly do to her? He didn't want to be responsible for ruining her life, he didn't want to be responsible for jack shit. He didn't want to know that he would have to stay with her for the sake of a baby because he didn't know how he would feel once the imprint-haze went away and he'd be able to look at her again as he did before. He could barely remember what it had been like, seeing her as a friend that might be something else one day, but not needing that something else with a powerful desperation. Or maybe he had been lying to himself, and he'd always wanted her far more than his ego would've cared to admit. All the imprinting was doing was forcing him to acknowledge it. A thousand years was plenty of time to start feeling a little lonely.
If he did this with her, would they ever be just friend again, was it even possible, and would either of them want to be? Their relationship might change too much for him to go back if this was all just hormones. Would an innocent little girl, who hadn't gone through enough to compartmentalize physical and emotional love like he did, be able to recover if once it was all over, Alexander was right and she was just his first?
Fuck, he'd be her first everything.
Was it really too much to just cope with, so much so that he'd do it knowing that he could be the first guy to really, truly break Fionna the Human's heart?
The fact it was her, of all people, made it infinitely worse.

He didn't want to. But then he really, really did.

And that's why he was standing in his room, wishing he was with her as the music that poured from his vocal chords and his cursed guitar tried and failed to communicate his thoughts. It was incredibly simply but there was so many justifications he felt he had to give to explain his indecision, when all it came down to was "will I, won't I?"
That was the question.

' ...And now, I've lost my fucking mind
And there's no fucking time
I can't believe I'm actually meant to be here
Trying to consume
The drug in me is you
And I'm so high on misery, can't you see?

Can't you see?'

Author's note. Shi-et. You have no idea how many times I revised Marshall's little soliloquy, which is funny considering it's the shorter section of the chapter. Fionna and Femme's talk (which was great fun to write) only had a few addendums and some editing, but it was much more straightforward. I suppose Marshall is the emotionally complex one right now, but hold your horses, because as some of you may have seen through my rather obvious hint, Femme and Gumball are gonna be on the table in the next chapter. And seeing as I've written up most of it already, how 'bout I give you guys a sneak peek?

" Oh, grow up. She started it.' Fionna muttered reluctantly.
' She!' Femme spluttered and collapsed onto her side, a fresh wave of laughs starting up and nearly suffocating her.
' Yes, she! But I didn't want her to before she started kissing me, and I still wasn't sure even when she was. She came on to me, and she was so fast at it I literally didn't have the time to say no.' Fionna growled at her indignantly, tomato-faced and highly bothered. Femme was slowly recovering herself and eventually she rolled into an upright position, still shaking with the occasional chuckle.
' Yeah, but you still could've once she started... I had no idea you swung that way, EB. I thought you were straight as a plank.'
' I-I don't even know what that means!' Fionna stammered indignantly, and Femme took one look at her and began laughing again."

:O

See you in the next chapter!
-WRA

EDIT: OH, I nearly forgot, the song Marshall is singing is called ' The Drug in Me is You' by Falling In Reverse. That whole album is the shit, man. It's fantastic, I literally listen to it on repeat for hours. Love ya, Ronnie!