Chapter 1

Regrets

*Sept. 1992 flashback taken from actual Days of Our Lives episode.

The Cotswolds, early morning

Assuming the children would still be sleeping, Shane provided a car to pick the two women up from the airport and escort them to the estate in the early morning hours. He was completely unprepared for Andrew and Jeannie to come bounding into his room at 5am, ready to see their mother! Andrew bounced onto the bed along side Shane as he pulled Jeannie up into his arms and let her curl up next to him. She was chattering away, asking him when "mummy" would get there as Andrew settled under the sheet next to them.

"Will we be able to show her how I ride?" Andrew pleaded as Shane shushed them both hoping he could lull them back to sleep for at least another hour or so. Somehow, mothers were more adept at handling early risers, and, despite having them this long, Shane had not grown accustomed to the middle of the night dramas or early morning entries into his room. This was quite ironic and amused Peachy given their profession but it wasn't so much their disturbances of Shane's sleep that rattled him as much as it was their ability to wake up asking questions without a break. On assignment, Shane never had to address a wide range of topics in rapid succession that included: soccer, why fog forms, why does hair grow out of daddy's chin, can we have pizza for dinner, where does the moon go, and all before 7am! During each occasion, Shane tried his best to remain patient amid the grogginess of the morning hour and knew that Kim probably handled each request with all the grace and love required for the task. As his children wiggled and squirmed against him, Shane wrapped his arms around them, hugging them affectionately while getting them to settle down. But he couldn't be too firm with them; quietly, he anticipated Kim's arrival as well.

After an hour Shane gave up, threw his legs out from under the cozy sheets, and ushered his children downstairs to scrounge up some breakfast before their aunt Marlena and mother arrived. The ringing doorbell finally announced their arrival. Simmons needn't bother answering as the two children sprinted towards it, nearly knocking the kindly butler down in the process. Shane hung back as the door flew opened and an obviously pregnant Marlena walked in first followed by Kimberly. Simmons cordially stepped outside to get their luggage while the children rushed over to Kim; Andrew presenting her with a freshly cut pink colored rose from the garden.

"Dad, let me pick one just for you!" He was saying as Kimberly pulled one in each arm for a tight embrace.

"Oh, mommy has missed you two so very much!" She cried, her voice cracking with emotion. Smelling the rose, Kim's eyes moistened at the sight of her son's pride in the gift.

"Smell it! Smell it, mummy!" Jeannie cried in her angelic voice, as she tried to squirm out of her mother's reach. But Kim wouldn't let her go just yet. It had been too long and she could already tell that her little girl was fast leaving the world of babyhood behind in favor of the joys of childhood. Kim squeezed her eyes shut for a moment wanting to savor the moment, kissing the sides of their faces, as the two children stumbled over each other with news of their time with their father. Kim nodded happily at each statement as she surveyed both of their features. As the happy reunion unfolded, Marlena stepped towards Shane.

"Shane, so good to see you again!"

Marlena wrapped her arm around Shane giving him an encouraging pat on the back as both of them eyed Kimberly. Shane escorted Marlena towards the living room to allow Kimberly a private moment with the children, yet his eyes continued to glance over Marlena's shoulder and into the foyer at Kimberly. Shane and Marlena exchanged pleasantries until Andrew and Jeannie led their mother into the living room to see their father. Shane was seated on the old leather couch with Marlena but stood to greet his ex. They had only conversed a few times over the phone in the months since his departure from Salem, their communication light and shallow if it did not revolve around the children. Shane relied heavily on his communications with Marlena for any evaluation of Kim's health during this time. It was as though the deep and intense bond that Shane and Kimberly shared was buried somewhere, a treasure waiting to be rediscovered again at the right time. In many ways, Kim's visit was a reintroduction for them and while both equally anticipated this moment, both had a bit of anxiety over the event as well. But when Shane saw her walk through the door, fresh faced and as beautiful as he remembered, his heart was put at ease instantly. He watched as she laughed and embraced the children, tending to the little things like straightening Andrew's shirt and adjusting the braids in Jeannie's hair. Her mannerisms were in tack: the way she crinkled her nose, and how she talked with her hands when instructing the children. But, when Kim shyly moved towards him, Shane was reminded of that young woman he was introduced to in Kim's apartment almost ten years earlier. A wave of guilt flashed over her face as Kim looked into Shane's knowing eyes. While some things were still hidden from Kim's memory as it pertained to Lacey and Claire, enough was present for Kim to be aware that some things were said to hurt him. A past accusation echoed around them.

"I don't know how to put this without offending you, but the problem is you, Shane!"

"Shane." She greeted him nervously. Kim spoke in barely an audible whisper; her face was colored in shame.

"Kimberly." Shane gushed warmly. "It's so good to have you home!" He said placing his right hand gently onto her arm. Her eyes locked with his briefly as he referred to Donovan Manor as home, their home which hadn't been the case for many years now. Kim belonged to someone else now and so the heartfelt greeting seemed out of line. Shane coughed uncomfortably taking a step back to address everyone in the room as Marlena broke the tension: "Andrew, Jeannie, would you two please show me to my room?" She asked, casting a sympathetic wink in Shane's direction.

Being excited for all the attention, Andrew ran ahead as Jeannie ran over to Kim and motioned to be picked up, breaking the pressure that had enveloped the room.

"Mummy, can I sleep with you, tonight?" The little girl was asking as Shane gestured towards the stairs,

"Your room is across the hall from mine. Simmons has your things already there." He stated formally.

"Thank you, Shane." Kim replied with another distant but polite smile as Jeannie tugged on her dress sleeve. Shane nodded encouragingly as he watched the four ascend the stairs to the rooms above leaving him alone in his thoughts.


Shortly, after lunch…

The children barely made it through their lunch, their heavy eyes betraying their lack of sleep because of their excitement. Kimberly insisted on putting them down for their naps, Andrew protesting loudly that he was much too old for naps but drifting off to sleep as Kimberly's nails glided across his forehead and stroked his thick brown hair.

"Mummy, I am so glad you are well again!" He gushed right as his brown eyes closed for a bit.

"Me, too, honey, me too." Kimberly replied, almost choking up. She stared at her son taking inventory of his features once more, noting his height and weight change. He was looking a bit less like a child and, at seven and a half; Kim could see the beginnings of adolescence start to creep into his face with his hair newly cut.

The massive house was unusually quiet for early afternoon as Marlena stepped out of her bedroom, and headed downstairs to locate the others. She had called Roman to let him know of their safe arrival to the estate and chatted for a few minutes as the married couple caught up on family affairs.

"Give Kimmie my love and say hello to Shane for me." Roman said in his gruff voice. "Love you, Doc." He added affectionately.

"I love you." Marlena replied emotionally as a guilty tear slid down her cheek. Hanging up the phone, Marlena wiped her eyes and headed downstairs.

Marlena strolled through the living area, and noticed the door at the far right of the room slightly ajar. She knocked politely on the door and waited for an answer.

"Come in." Shane replied in a half-interested monotone. Marlena entered into an imposing room with three of its walls lined with built-in book casings, filled with volumes and volumes of leather bound books. To her left, next to a door that exited onto the outside terrace towards the Manor's formal gardens was a beautiful curio cabinet that probably held alcoholic beverages. Straight across from where she stood as she entered was the majestic floor to ceiling English-Tudor style bay window adorned with heavy blue velvet drapery pulled back to the corners with golden tassels hanging down towards the old Brazilian cherry hardwoods. Shane's mahogany desk, or rather his father's, was positioned in the center of the window where Shane stood. His dress jacket lay haphazardly over the chair, his shirt a bit disheveled. It was apparent that wrestling with one's own emotions was more difficult than engaging a second party. The light that poured into the window caste a shadow against Shane so it was hard to read his expression but Marlena had an idea of what, or more appropriately who, weighed on the spy's mind. His arms were crossed before his chest, his hand propped on his fist. Shane faced out the window to his left, transfixed on the melancholy creature that meandered around his property.

Kimberly had left the children's' rooms earlier and ventured out alone to walk the grounds. Shane caught a glimpse of her as she descended the stoned covered steps that lined the corner perimeter of the formal gardens right outside the study. She continued effortlessly on towards the lengthy row of shallow ponds and shrubs that led deeper into the back portion of the property. It was tough to know who illuminated whom, the landscape or Kimberly as the two melded together in a sort of melodic movement. The light London air guided the way using the trees as compasses for her excursion. The chirping birds and the horses in the distance beckoned Kimberly away from the confinement of the manicured gardens in favor of the picturesque backdrop of Donovan Manor with its babbling brook, canopy of trees and the horse pasture beyond. The way Kimberly moved slowly, angelically along the gardens had put Shane into a trance. Her pretty pale blue dress blew softly in the country breeze covering her petite frame as though she floated above the path instead of walking it. Despite having her hair pulled partially back in a clip, strands of Kim's hair had broken free lagging behind her in the air. When she stopped to investigate a plant or item in the water, her wavy locks hung delicately on the side of her cheeks and neck. A heavyhearted sigh escaped from Shane's lips.

"Oh, I hope I am not disturbing you!" Marlena apologized as she approached the desk, realizing she was interrupting something. Seeing Kimberly disappear down the stone steps at the outer corner of the landscape, Shane begrudgingly turned his attention towards Marlena. He shook his head negatively and insisted she was welcome in the room.

"There's water in there." He said gesturing towards the ornately carved cabinet just left of the door leading out to the grounds. Marlena smiled declining the offer.

"Kimberly ok?" She asked compassionately glancing in the direction of Shane's line of vision.

Shane straightened up letting his hands fall into his pockets and motioned for Marlena to get comfortable. He was too restless to sit but Marlena took the nicely cushioned leather upright chair to her right and sat down to rest.

"Oh, I suppose." He sighed before adding, "I suspect you would know better than I?" The troubled expression that wore on Shane's face elicited a sympathetic smile from Marlena. Resting her hands on her growing belly, Marlena asked,

"Want to talk about it?"

Shane turned around to address her question. But he had no clue where to begin. Shane had spent the past couple of months dwelling on the events of the past year. And when confronted with the image of Marlena's pregnant glow, his heart couldn't harness the throbbing ache that comes with regret. He had been there, an expectant father. Three times in fact. And yet, Shane allowed his bloody pride and insecurity concerning their circumstances cloud his perception each time. He was grateful for the year he had with his young children but it only heightened the truth of what he had lost in the process.

"You wear pregnancy well, Marlena." He said evenly, a note of sorrow in his voice. Marlena blushed a little at the compliment and caught the unspoken reference that came with it. But she didn't want to dwell on her pregnancy while she was here. Marlena ran away to get perspective on this dilemma and while Shane's comment was innocent, it made her uncomfortable to broach anything that led her mind to Roman or John. Marlena deflected back to Shane smiling in order to mask her own problems.

"Thank you." She said with a sisterly wink. "I'm afraid I am beginning to wear it a lot more all over." Marlena added with a laugh that caused Shane to grin knowingly. The look in his eyes revealed a wealth of information to the psychiatrist.

"I suspect that the details of my condition are not what weight heavily on your mind?" She suggested lightly, moving the subject as quickly back to the topic of Kimberly as possible.

Shane leaned back in his chair and sighed. For a moment the words just escaped him, tumbling all over each other in his mind. The one resounding theme accenting all of them,

"Damn it, Marlena! I shouldn't have left her!" He barked bitterly disrupting the silent exchange. Shane leaned back in his chair, peering out the window to his right, running his hands through his hair in frustration. He was unable to make eye contact. The weight of the statement hung in the air giving the hint that Shane was not only referencing his exit from Salem last October but Marlena avoided that path and focused on the immediate issue.

"Shane, you are not responsible…"

He whirled back around and faced her once more, leaning into the desk as though it were a confrontation. Marlena could read his thoughts clearly by the guilty expression on his face. His jaw was set, his temples twitching with emotion. Shane had approached her twice about Kim's behavior, they both witnessed her fainting spell the night of Houston's murder at the pub opening and, yet, he still let a flimsy explanation of overmedication serve as reason enough to resume his work. It had been easier than face the harsh truth of the outcome of his relationship with Kimberly. To make matters worse was the knowledge that, through it all, Kim had been scared enough to try and seek help both in LA and in Salem. Learning that fact shortly after Roman's shooting reaffirmed his trust in the woman he knew and had loved but it shook him to his very core. Shane blamed himself for leaving things with Kim in the manner he did. He should have tried harder! His mind raced over conversations they shared where Kim had tried in vain to share something with Shane, only to turn on a dime and hurl insults at him. Shane took a deep breath before plunging right in.

"I've been doing some reading on the subject." He began professionally. Marlena's eyes widened with approval. She was hardly surprised at the revelation. Shane was a voracious reader and anything that concerned Kimberly would be at the top of his reading list. His intentions were as transparent as glass to Marlena but she surmised that at this point even he wasn't aware of it yet.

"That's beneficial." She responded evenly.

"Yes, but there are some things that just don't add up." He replied curiously.

"Are you sure you want to know?" Marlena asked, eying him cautiously. "To have me confirm what you may already suspect?"

Shane nodded his head affirmatively and motioned for her to proceed.

"Shane, you realize that what Kim told you, her timeline of events…" Marlena paused and drew in a deep breath and continued pronouncing each word carefully.

"Is most likely what she had allowed herself to remember of that time." Marlena stood to command the conversation placing her fingertips on the edge of the desk. Shane dropped his head.

"Honestly, Marlena, we never discussed it in any length other than what she told me in my apartment." He replied with a defeated sigh.

"I'm not surprised." Marlena replied sympathetically. Looking up suddenly to meet Marlena's professional gaze,

"I didn't know her then…" Shane was saying as if he was seeking contrition for his crime.

His words trailed off and he banged his hands against the desk, popping up in standing position and turning his back against Marlena. The comment sounded like a cheap excuse to Shane and the words had come from his lips! His hands were protectively in his pockets as he stared back out the window at the lush meadow in the distance where the horses were grazing.

"By the time I did, it didn't matter…it just seemed to pass away into the past." Shane admitted slowly after a moment of silence.

"Did it really?" Marlena prodded pointedly. Shane dropped his head to the left addressing her question but failing to face her head on. His head nodded back and forth as his eyes darted side to side, staring at the markings of the hardwood floor at his feet. The ugly truth was, no it hadn't rescinded into the past. Kim's abusive history was always right beneath the surface, permeating every piece of conflict they encountered. Hell, they almost did not get together in the first place because of Kim's inability to trust. To make matters worse, Shane was slowly recognizing moments where his words and or actions probably set the two on the course they resided at presently.

"When she told me about Eric, I understood the walls…"

Marlena could see his eyes were searching, his mind completely focused on a memory.

"I got the connection to her time in Europe…" He squeezed his eyes shut as a long ago argument pushed its way into his psyche.

"Shane, this condition arises as a result of repetitive childhood sexual trauma." Marlena was explaining.

"I think I understood intellectually, Marlena…" Shane stopped short at the statement. The implications seeping into the conversation as a wave of a memory flickered into Shane's thoughts.

"Being with him was the most humiliating experience of my life!"

Shane clenched his jaw, swallowing hard to force the interloper back into the recesses of his heart…for now. He still stared at the floor.

"I never let myself really…go…there…" Turning back around and lifting his eyes mournfully to address Marlena head on,

"Until now."

"Ok." Marlena replied slowly. Using her hands to punctuate the severity of Kim's issues, Marlena continued,

"Then you now realize from your research that the type of abuse that is usually associated with Multiples is violent, often classified as torture."

Shane's throat dried up in an instant at the statement. Yes, he had researched, being an intelligence man made Shane fully aware of what torture was, its means and ramifications. Somehow it was ok to handle it knowing it was being perpetuated on grown men in the field who had signed up for the assignment. Casualties of the job, but the ugliness of his profession was seeing the devastation done to women and children. To perform his job well, Shane had to push that aspect away and until recently had managed to do the same when confronted with the reality of sexual trauma and its effects in his personal life.

"Shane, are you familiar with the term 'trauma triggers'?" Marlena inquired still gauging his reaction to each thing that was said.

"Yes." Shane replied cautiously. "I remember reading about that. It occurs with people who experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The ISA deals with that often with agents in the field." He studied Marlena's expression keenly aware that she was guiding him down a thought process.

"It can be quite debilitating."

"Yes, you're correct." Marlena said pleased to be talking with an informed loved one. "It can be subtle or benign things like a word or phrase that the perpetrator used or familiar smells…a song." Marlena paused studying Shane's expression.

"And? Go on." He encouraged, though a tiny part of him knew instinctively that the next words might be hard to hear.

"Or weapons." Marlena revealed ominously. Shane's eyes lit up and he could feel his heart begin to race. Marlena continued but couched the next revelation with,

"Kimberly's a fighter!" She said encouragingly. Shane smiled at her in agreement. " It's obvious in therapy that she was born with this inexplicable strength, this ability to thrive…"

"I know, Marlena." Shane interrupted wisely. "It's an enduring trait."

His eyes drifted off to a corner of the room where an old black and white picture set on the shelf. Marlena sensed that Shane was not in the mood for sugar coating things. His mind would not be permitted to wander as Marlena declared,

"I think it is safe to say that Eric began to prey on her sometime around the age of three."

Shane stood glued to the floor facing Marlena, his mouth dropping open in shock and disgust.

"As she grew older and rebelled against the abuse, the 'games' as he would term it,"

Shane winced at the reference. Marlena inhaled deeply,

"Eric began to employ more aggressive tactics."

Shane straightened up feeling every muscle in his body tense at the statement. He couldn't look Marlena in the eye after that moment, the impact hitting him like a punch in the gut. Shane needed some physical distance and began to slowly pace the room. His eyes traveled across the room, for something, anything to focus on in order to keep his feelings in check as Marlena continued to fill him in. Once again, his eyes landed on the bookcase where the wooden framed picture of the fire station set. Her eyes, so innocent yet so wounded. And I dared to ask her, not only once but…

Shane ran his fingers through his tussled hair in frustration, his thoughts taunting him with indictments as Marlena talked.

"You cad!"

"Records from Eric's criminal file and personal artifacts in prison suggest that he was one sick individual." She was saying calmly.

There was a pause. Shane braced himself for what came next. He was beginning to think that rotting in hell as Eric was presently wasn't enough punishment.

"It's evident through Kim's sessions that he held her at knifepoint while molesting her…"

"Dear God!" Shane gasped in horror. As his eyes scanned the room, from the ceiling, to the walls and back towards his desk where Marlena stood, he remembered something that occurred in a similar room that chilled him to the bone.

Salem, Sept. 1992

"What happens if I don't accept that ultimatum?" She demanded, biting her lip as he walked around to his desk.

"Oh, you'll accept it because the woman I know realizes as well as I do the welfare of our children comes before any of our personal feelings." Shane sat down, picking up the golden handled letter opener to use on the day's mail. But the conversation was too tense for that, so he merely played with it as they spoke. She stood on the other side of desk listening to him go on about their children's welfare but her eyes were transfixed on the letter opener. She wasn't there anymore but in her parents' living room with Uncle Eric leering at her with the knife. After a few moments of Shane talking, out of nowhere…

"No!" She cried out in anguish.

For the first time since it had occurred, the memory of Kim's face, her hands clutching her neck and chest protectively, pierced Shane's mind.

"What did you say?" He replied confused.

"I said, no, you can not do that!' She whimpered, forcing the words out of her mouth choking on them word by word.

She had stood there shaking not all that different from when he found her in Miami…

"I didn't mean you…I mean, you seem a little heavy handed and it's like you are trying to force me…" She explained with every ounce of strength she had left in her as her world crumbled before her.

Her last words expressed in gulping sobs reverberated between Shane's ears as he realized what he had witnessed.

"You are trying to force me…"

Shane's eyes fell upon Jeannie's soft plush Raggedy-Anne doll made for her by her grandmother at that moment. Suddenly, Shane had a vivid image of a young Kimberly, frightened, terrified and alone being threatened with a knife. The next image was too grotesque for Shane to describe. The sounds of Kimberly and Jeannie's cries mingled in his head as a rush of nausea swept through his entire body. The thought of someone touching his little girl who was the spitting image of her mother, triggered Shane's gag reflex and he rushed over to the antique liquor cabinet to retrieve some cold water, gulping the liquid hastily to stop the rise in his blood pressure. The horrible truth deep down was the realization that someone someone he loved had traumatized in that manner. It was punctuated with the knowledge that he had a hand in facilitating a memory that would cause Kim so much pain. It took every ounce of strength he had to continue the conversation without getting sick. Marlena stood silently knowing the information was a lot to handle. She'd been here with Roman and Shawn as these little earthquakes had rumbled throughout the family. And Marlena was aware this type of information shook men to their very cores and especially one whose job description involved protecting others. Shane wasn't a boastful man when it came to his exploits in the field. But she had seen how he handled the knowledge of what Kim endured for the sake of his life once. Marlena knew this news was not going to be easily digested either. The two adults stood in silence for a long time with Shane gripping the sides of the antique cabinet. He managed to walk towards Marlena after a while but stopped short at the French door, still struggling to keep his composure under the weight of the news. Shane leaned in for support with his head pressed against the glass. Finally, fatigue began to overtake

Marlena. She approached Shane and squeezed his arm.

"You can't fault yourself. You didn't know." She offered.

Without taking his eyes off from the view of the gardens, Shane replied sullenly,

"I know now."

There was something strong and resolute in his voice that gave Marlena comfort. She understood his feelings. Perhaps if she had not been so consumed with avenging her husband's death, Marlena would have made sure Kim sought a trauma specialist back when the news of Uncle Eric had come out in the first place. She chastised silently to herself the lack of judgment she had shown.

"Channel this into something more productive." She advised compassionately before stepping towards the door.

"I'm going to lie down now." Marlena added in a whisper, departing gracefully to allow him some time to process all that was discussed. Shane nodded and smiled slightly as she exited the study. Shane stood glued to his spot by the side door, his armed propped overhead. After several seconds of letting his thoughts and emotions simmer almost to a boiling point, Shane announced,

"I have to find her!"