Chapter 8
Restitution
I guess you heard
He's gone to LA
He says that behind my eyes I'm hiding
And he tells me I pushed him away
That my heart's been hard to find
Here there must be something
Here there must be something here here
Baker Baker can you explain
If truly his heart
Was made of icing
And I wonder
How mine could taste
Maybe we could change his mind
I know you're late
For you next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time
~Baker Baker, Tori Amos
Location: Kim's house, the next morning.
Sleep withheld an invitation to dream leaving Shane's embattled psyche with no solace. Thus, his slumber was for naught. Shane begrudgingly opened his eyes in a squint as the light slipped through the veil of the maple tree outdoors and slits of the plantation blinds hanging in the front study of Kimberly's home. Shielding his eyes from the morning light, Shane's senses alerted him to footsteps approaching from outside the house. By the time he propelled his beleaguered body into standing position, hastily grabbed a shirt, and emerged from the study, Peachy was bidding adieu to the early morning visitor. A lavish arrangement of pink roses in an elegant crystal vase set lifeless on the French lowboy to Shane's right. Though perfect in appearance and delicate to the touch, the warmth of the sun's rays bathing the entrance of Kim's home could not breath life into the fragrant free flowers.
"Well, I see he's not completely clueless." Peachy remarked dryly, eliciting a faint smirk from Shane. Surveying her partner's rough appearance,
"You look like hell." She observed sharply. "Hurry up and shower. Your boy will be crashing through that front door any minute for you to take him to his first soccer game."
Shane nodded affirmatively, yet scanned down the hall, then through the dining room into the kitchen, hoping for a glimpse of Kim.
"The lassie's upstairs getting ready." Peachy replied compassionately as she observed him discreetly searching for her. The morning was still young, and the solitude the foyer provided for their private conversation kept Shane's cool façade at bay.
"I'll feel better when I can speak to her." He admitted softly.
They sipped their coffee in silence before the tempo changed, and the house filled with the music of chattering children as Andrew and his friend trampled through the front door.
"Dad, are you ready?" Andrew asked wide-eyed and out of breathe from his dash across the street. His friend James echoed the sentiment, and Shane responded enthusiastically,
"Almost." He patted his son's thick head of hair. "I can hardly wait!"
The two friends resumed their talk as they plowed through the croissants that set on the dining room table. Shane and Peachy watched the two boys devour their breakfast and rush up the stairs to retrieve Andrew's cleats for the game. The prospect of spending the day absorbed in his children's world evaporated the melancholy fog that blanketed Shane. Sensing he was seeking out Jeannie's whereabouts, Peachy informed him,
"Kayla called. She'll meet us there."
Shane exhaled laboriously as his partner eyed him knowingly. He grabbed a pastry, motioning to Peachy that he was heading for the shower. Just as Shane disappeared into the guest bathroom, Kimberly strolled downstairs for breakfast.
Location: To the Soccer field
As the fractured family slid into the car, Peachy slipped past Kim and into the backseat with Andrew, who was momentarily disappointed at the prospect of riding with his parents instead of his best friend. Shane opened the car door for Kim, reaching out to caress her bandaged hand.
"I'm sure Neil will check it at the game." Kimberly informed him barely making eye contact. Her fragile eyes begged him not to inquire further, so Shane withdrew the gesture with a simple head bow and proceeded to his side of the car. Averting her attention to her son, Kim slid into the front passenger seat.
"Have your cleats?" She quizzed light-heartedly, grateful for the distraction.
"Yes."
"Your knee pads?"
Another impatient yes, and the checklist continued as Shane backed out of the driveway and followed the Stricklands to the soccer field. Once again, Andrew unwittingly provided a safe buffer for Shane and Kim with an unending stream of commentary concerning their opponent, who all was attending, and asking Shane several questions revolving around strategic dribbling moves that his father had no way of explaining while manning the vehicle. The interrogation induced a few under the breath chuckles from the women in the car. By the time they arrived, the wave of tension that clung to the couple had dissipated into carefully guarded conversation. However when Shane pulled into the lot, Phillip was waiting smiling brightly ready to help Kimberly out of the car. She eagerly rushed into his arms craving the simplicity of the offer. Gazing into Phillip's eyes hopefully, he responded with an affectionate wink, satisfied that the bouquet signaled all was forgiven from the night before. Looking up to address Shane,
"If I recall, you are quite the fisherman?" He asked heartily. Shane smiled politely nodding is head in agreement.
"How about you and Andrew here," Phillip patted the boy on his shoulder, " join me on my yacht, and we'll make a men's day of it tomorrow?"
Andrew's eyes lit up begging his father to say 'yes,' so Shane cordially accepted the invitation stoking Phillip's confidence even more. Kimberly breathed a sigh of relief seeing the two men, whose one link to each other was she, getting along in such a familial manner.
"Why was I ever so anxious over this?"
From the corner of his eye, Shane noted Kimberly's serene expression over the scene, which provided him a glimmer of consolation.
"Let's go, Sport!" Shane announced to Andrew lifting the duffle bag over his shoulder and escorting his son to where his teammates congregated. Phillip beamed with pride while parading Kimberly around the field.
By the time Shane walked back towards the area where friends and family gathered to watch the game, Kimberly and Phillip sat nestled on a blanket together chatting with Peachy and Amanda, who looked busy positioning the rest of the Strickland brood on their blanket to their right. At that moment, Shane envied the head of the LA Child Abuse Clinic more than any man he had ever known! His eyes scanned to his right and noticed the Curtis's and Kayla, who had arrived with the two girls. Both Stephanie and Jeannie ran to him squealing with delight.
"Oh, how are my girls?" He exclaimed with joy as the two climbed all over him. He hoisted each girl, who wore matching sundresses, into each arm and looked for an available spot on the ground. The girls enthusiastically vied for his attention, which Shane showered on them graciously.
"It's nice of him to dote on your niece in that fashion." Phillip observed flatly. Kimberly looked puzzled by the hint of disdain lacing the remark.
"That's simply Shane's way." She replied defensively, a wave of panic sweeping over her.
"Oh, babe, sshhh, I didn't mean anything by it." He stroked her hair reassuringly, punctuating his sincerity with a peck on the lips. Kimberly blushed slightly and smiled.
A rush of excitement filled the air. The spectators jumped to their feet as Andrew dribbled the ball down the field. The light breeze felt refreshing against the skin and Kimberly inhaled deeply soaking in the enthusiasm. Her eyes drifted around their close circle of friends, taking note where Jeannie was located. The little girl sat playing with her favorite doll as her cousin engaged in a similar activity on the blanket beside her. A flash of movement piqued her interest and her eyes traveled towards the source. Kimberly saw him walk closer towards the far end of the row of blankets to where Kayla sat.
"Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?" Shane asked solemnly.
Kayla briefly looked in his direction and motioned towards the edge of the blanket, so the proper amount of distance remained between them. Her eyes remained concealed by the protection of her sunglasses.
"Let's go, Andrew!" She yelled and clapped for effect. Shane glanced over towards the field to see his son's team take positions for the next play. He crouched down on his heels, resting his elbows on his knees. The scene commanded Kimberly's attention. Shane paused, scanned the field and began:
"Kayla, I owe you an apology…"
Even from a few yards away, Kimberly could read his lips clearly.
"For?" Kayla faced straight ahead.
"You're not going to make this easy, huh?"
"What, so you can have your knighthood restored?" She retorted crisply.
"Kimberly?" Phillip called.
"Hmm?"
Startled and quite embarrassed that she was so engrossed with her spying, Kimberly pivoted her head as though she were idly surveying the game.
"You weren't paying attention to a word I was saying." Phillip observed jokingly.
"Oh, pooh!" Kimberly replied coyly using her charm to manipulate him. "I'm sorry, dear." Gesturing towards the opposing team's coach.
"I was trying to read his cues to the team."
And before he could question her motive, Kimberly cupped his chin into her hand, pulling Phillip closer and planted a playful kiss on his lips.
Shane's shoulders slumped forward slightly as he contemplated a response. The silence between them forced Kayla to fess up. She stared at the grass to keep from bursting into tears in public.
"I'm sorry." She offered quietly. " I placed you on that horse, not you."
Kayla fumbled with a blade of grass.
"I misled you, and it was utterly and completely foolish to do so." Shane replied bitterly.
"Because it permanently destroyed your chances with Kimberly." Kayla observed compassionately still not looking at him. She could be quite perceptive, but Shane had no inclination to discuss his feelings on the matter. He simply felt that Kayla was owed something more concrete than the vague "it just didn't work out" excuse. Especially when the reason was threatening to suffocate them all!
Tracing the outlines of the luscious green turf provided her a strange sense of distance from the painful circumstances surrounding Kayla's time with Shane. While Kayla sought rescue in the Shane's arms, doing so didn't betray her love and history with Steve. The truth was: it wasn't the first time she allowed herself to be used after losing someone. What kept Kayla up at night were the continuing repercussions their betrayal left on her family, particularly her mortally wounded relationship with Kimberly.
"Look, I am a grown woman, so let's not lay all the blame for what we did at your feet, okay?"
"I was quite cruel in the end." He admitted still gauging her facial expressions carefully. It was hard to believe he had pursued her in such a manner given their history. Shane never noticed Kayla as anything more than a sister through Kimberly. Their conversations were easy and simple without the conflict of a brother and sister. More still, the perimeters established never birthed an underlying sense of attraction that Shane sensed when watching Steve interact with his other sister-in-law, Hope. Yet, here they were hashing out loose ends to an affair that neither would have believed in just a few short years prior.
"Yeah, I learned that the hard way." Kayla sighed, her voice tinged with remorse.
There was a pause as though neither knew what else to say. Despite the cheers and clapping that echoed around the two, the air was filled with stony silence.
"I saw what I wanted to see, Shane." Kayla admitted.
Deflated, she heaved a labored sigh. One birthed when one realizes their idyllic perceptions of the world and those around them have been cruelly crushed by reality. Shane could see Kayla was somewhere else despite clapping and occasionally shouting out encouragement to her nephew.
"I did the exact same thing after David…"
Her voice trailed off remembering something from her past. Shane forced his attention back to the field. Seeing Andrew maneuver the soccer ball with an ease not often seen in young players lifted his spirits and for a moment, Shane's paternal pride welled up overshadowing the gravity of his current state. Shane bellowed a boisterous cheer of encouragement towards his boy. And when the cheering subsided, the two were left with the glaring contrasts of their past to their present.
"Wouldn't it be great, if somehow it were all a dream?" Kayla asked wistfully never fully addressing Shane rather she kept her focus on the field.
"Ah," Shane nodded and muttered under his breath:
"Jack shall have Jill; nought shall go ill;
The man shall have his mare again, and all shall be well."
"Huh?"
Kayla took her focus off the game and whirled to address her former brother-in-law.
"My dear Puck assures us that things will be fixed between our beloved Athenian lovers after a night of manipulation at the hands of impish little fairies." He explained evenly.
"Oh!"
Kayla lifted her chin faintly acknowledging the connection. Then she scoffed,
"Though I assure you it would take more than fairy dust to make me enamored with Mr. Hollywood over there!"
Shane followed her eyes, which darted in the direction to where the objects of their conversation sat. Phillip seemed completely engaged in the game cheering Andrew and doting on Jeannie when she ambled their way. Kimberly looked picturesque by his side, her hair loosely pulled back allowing her golden wavy locks to dance vibrantly in the breeze. She reached over periodically to properly take his hand.
A thunderous applause erupted as the crowd stood and stomped their feet watching the home team successfully block a goal. Standing beside her while he cheered, Shane attempted to prod Kayla to elaborate, but she wouldn't budge. In frustration, Shane shuffled his feet and planted his hands on his hips. He was not leaving. Finally sensing she was alarming him, Kayla assured Shane:
"He's not Cal!" She spewed out the name with such disgust. "But, he doesn't…"
"What Kayla?" He demanded. Shane almost grabbed her arm as though she were the target of an investigation, but pulled back at the last minute.
"Oh never mind." She sighed in defeat. "Probably just me being blinded by fairytales again."
The force of his three year old running into his legs, interrupted the standoff. Shane whisked her into his arms and walked over towards the victory huddle where Andrew resided. He didn't buy Kayla's reasoning but knew she was in no position to raise any concerns to Kim: just one more casualty resulting from their transgression. If her sister's suspicions were correct, Kimberly would have to reach these conclusions on her own. Watching Shane and Kimberly navigate the social gathering around one another in the midst of their happy children, produced only one profound emotion for Kayla: regret.
Evening, Kim's home
The rest of the weekend progressed with a myriad of activities that kept Kim and Shane orbits separate despite inhabiting the same house. With this visit being brief, Shane grabbed every opportunity to spend time with his children. And Phillip took advantage of Kimberly's sudden interest in being courted by him, taking her out in the evenings. As promised, Shane took Andrew fishing with Phillip the day before his and Peachy's departure. The expedition on Phillip's massive yacht ate up the entire day! Shane resigned himself to the reality that he was merely an observer of Kim's world. Clearly she wanted her relationship with Phillip to succeed, so Shane decided to support her the best way he could. He arrived at Kim's home late with a very sleepy Andrew hoisted over his shoulder. The poor child was exhausted from his adventure in the Pacific!
"Oh, wow! You two stink!" Kimberly exclaimed jokingly as they stumbled in the door. Her bright sparkling eyes were a tonic to his fatigued body and soul.
"Ah, the smell of success!" He replied with his best seaman impression. Noticing her maternal look of concern, he added,
"We ate on the boat. Your fiancé provided us with plenty of goodies, so this sailor…"
Shane pointed his head to the right in Andrew's direction, "needs to clean up and roll into bed."
"Mommy, I caught a black sea bass." Andrew muttered almost incoherently at the reference to his fishing prowess. Kimberly smiled at the display in front of her and started to take Andrew for Shane. He declined, wanting to be a part of the bedtime routine one more time before his departure in the morning.
"Some tea, Laddie?" Peachy offered. Shane wearily accepted the offer as he escorted his son upstairs. Wrapping her arm lovingly around Kimberly, the two women retreated towards the kitchen.
An hour later…
Shane quietly closed the door to Jeannie's room, having read to the children and tucked them tight into their respective beds. Slowly he ventured downstairs and could hear the idle chatter between Peach and Kimberly wafting through the house. Shane marveled at the cozy warm atmosphere Kimberly created in her home. Candlelight flickering against the hall guided him to the open family room that connected to the kitchen to his left. Kim's home had the light airy smell of vanilla that easily induced pleasant memories for the spy. The dimly lit family room created a protective shadow for Shane allowing him to observe Kimberly bustling around the kitchen before entering into the room. As she gathered cups and saucers from the glass-plated cabinets, Shane let his eyes travel the outlines of her petite frame. Dressed casually in a pair of perfectly fitted jeans and a crisp white button down shirt, Kimberly looked barely old enough to have children. The soft lighting highlighted her peaches and cream complexion reminding him of how she looked that day in her apartment when he gazed at her through the lens of her camera. As he emerged into their line of vision, the kettle began to whistle. Kim was too busy with the infuser to notice Shane's entrance.
"My, my, it is late." Peachy chirped. "I must take these old bones to bed."
Shane rolled his eyes at Peachy's transparent motives. She kissed Kimberly on the side of the head before, walking briskly past Shane, patting his arm encouragingly as she exited.
"Peach, I thought you wanted…" Kim whirled around to see Shane standing across the bar, his thick black hair still wet and tousled from his shower. Not dressed for bed, he was pulled together wearing a pair of kaki colored trousers paired with a nice jeweled toned blue button down.
"Oh!" Her eyes darted from Shane towards the direction to where Peachy exited. Alone together for the first time since his arrival, their issues spilled all over them. Seeing the level of discomfort flood across Kim's face, Shane cleared his throat, motioning towards the front of the house.
"I'll retire to the study and do some reading." His tone revealed his disappointment at her perceived rejection, creating more doubt in his mind. Shane did not want his presence to cause her anymore stress. Furthermore, his integrity would not allow Shane to step too far into the emotional abyss and risk his heart for a woman who was tied to another.
"Do you love him? Do you really love him?" He had asked pointedly sitting by her bed in the hospital.
"Yeah, I really love him, Shane." Kimberly had responded, her voice full of emotion.
His hope had been dashed!
She had convinced him, even if Kim hadn't convinced herself. Coupled with the involvement of Claire and Lacey, that quiet exchange reverberated inside Shane's soul. Feeling too exposed, Shane began to retreat back into his world of solitude. The transformation evident by the way his face tightened and his posture straightened while standing across the bar from her. There was finality in his countenance as though if Kimberly didn't act, and act fast, all would be lost between them. Shane and Kimberly would simply be two people sharing the responsibilities of raising two children together. It struck a chord deep inside Kim reminiscent of the depth of despair she felt when he walked out the door of their old house in Salem, leaving her standing in the foyer. The day he left for Europe on assignment.
"No, no!" She pleaded apologetically. Her voice reached a fevered pitch.
"Don't go!"
Two words Shane yearned to hear a year earlier, and the precise ones Kimberly had begged to hear from him when she walked out of their house a couple of years before. At that moment, they both stopped running. Kimberly mustered up the last bit of courage she possessed offering a faint hopeful smile.
"I have a whole pot here that I can't possibly drink by myself."
"Are you sure?" Shane cautioned. The sincerity in his voice reflected the hidden meaning behind them. A wave of desolation flooded over Kim. She tried once more extending her bandaged hand for him to sit.
"Please," She implored him frantically and gestured towards the plush taupe colored sofa.
"Sit and tell me about your fishing trip."
Impressed with her forthrightness, Shane could not refuse her request. Their footing shaky, the two treaded quite carefully towards each other. Kimberly started to pick up the tray of tea, but manipulating the items proved problematic.
"Whoa, let me take this!" Shane offered cordially taking the tray from her and walking towards the couch. In an effort to show good faith, he quipped:
"We'll be calling you 'Kimberly no thumbs' if you damage the other one!"
Kimberly mustered a fake pout attempting to conceal the giggle erupting inside her, but it tumbled out cutting the tension between them. Their laughter rippled throughout the quiet room before both their eyes fell upon the wound. Uneasiness crept back in, but Shane grabbed hold of the reins. He impulsively reached for her hand, abandoning the task of pouring their tea.
"Kim, I am so very sorry." Shane offered in a hush tone.
"I thought," Shifting in his seat and pondering his next thought.
There was a long drawn out pause.
Kimberly held her breath.
"Perhaps we could make friends with time?" He inquired poignantly.
The depth of remorse permeating his dark brown eyes said more than any eloquent speech. His plaintive eyes pierced straight through to her heart, rendering Kimberly completely breathless. She nervously cleared her throat, struggling for something to say. Barely able to keep eye contact, she pulled her hand away.
"Me too." She replied meekly, choking on her words. Then, Kimberly abruptly gazed into his eyes, as if she were begging him not to give up.
"Tell me about your day with Andrew." She offered softly.
The hope in her voice bolstered his confidence. Smiling brightly and responding with a sympathetic wink, Shane began to recount the day's events. Kimberly sat on the couch with her knees pulled to her chest listening intently to his tale. The more Kimberly's face encouraged him, the more animated Shane became. By the time their first round of tea was emptied, Shane had produced multiple giggles and commentary from his shy companion.
"Andrew should sleep quite well tonight." Kimberly observed with a lilt in her voice. Having navigated through the rough seas, they settled into a light discourse of their current reading material. Kim was relaxed now, allowing her legs to extend a little exposing her bare feet. She sat propped against the sofa with the lighting illuminating her delicate frame. Shane admired her refined countenance and smiled appreciatively. Catching his stare, Kimberly hastily shifted.
"Thank you, Shane."
She fumbled around for her cup and quickly added,
"For telling me about your day."
The depth of her gratitude clearly extended to his tactful treatment of their predicament. Shane saw an opening and couldn't resist.
"Have you slept well, Kimberly?" He asked while pouring their second cup of tea. Her eyes flickered with acknowledgment.
"I suppose." She replied hesitantly watching his expression carefully. "I think the medication induced the strangest dreams." Kimberly added with a timid smile. She looked graceful sitting across from him as he prepared the tea. Shane met her gaze grateful she permitted him to tread this subject.
"I have had a dream, past the wit of man to say what wit it was." He quoted thoughtfully. Shane coaxed her eyes to remain locked with his. Kim's eyes widen with recognition. Like a flip of a switch, Kimberly's effervescent charm commanded the room.
"So Bottom, when did you lose your ass's head?" She inquired irresistibly, appreciating the opening to discuss Shakespeare with him. The way her face lit up, the warmth of her laughter, soothed Shane's soul. Smiling, he handed her the cup and saucer, their fingers lightly touching. When Kim's smile did not dissipate, Shane was caught off guard by its effect on him. He retracted and slowly took a sip of his tea, contemplating his response. Kimberly's eyes bore into him waiting for the next dose of his entertaining repartee. Her expectant childlike gaze was too much!
"Perhaps when you told me good-bye," His eyes flitter above them. "Here in LA." Shane replied somberly.
The confession startled Kimberly who preferred their play with the classics instead of venturing too far into their own lives. He could see her mind racing through memories, painful ones she buried quite deeply within her soul, but now Shane lured them to the surface. Kimberly wasn't sure what to do. Mercifully, he backed off giving her some space. Cradling his tea, Shane walked over towards the French doors and stared into the blackness of the night. He hadn't planned for their conversation to take this direction, but the vault had been opened. The words slipped out of his mouth before Shane could censor them.
"I woke from the dream with no feeling trying to make sense of it all."
His voice was so full of emotion, yet completely steady and in control. Kimberly recognized the allusion to his paralysis immediately. A butterfly fluttered inside her stomach.
"I've been struggling ever since…" His voice trailed off.
Dead silence.
The impact of his confession hit Kimberly hard. It was something she secretly craved to hear, believing the validation freed her. However, with his back to her, Kimberly almost cursed him for making things more complicated!
"Why are you telling me this now?" She asked in almost a whimper, not trusting the stillness of the room. "I'm with Phillip."
Kim's words stung, but Shane didn't let on. They remained deadlocked in this confrontation.
"I don't know. I suppose…" His words faltered.
Kimberly stood and stepped carefully closer. Not too close, but enough to gauge his facial expression. She regretted the declaration instantly fearing Shane would retreat into his world of isolation. The spans of time when they had not spoken were some of the loneliest times for Kimberly.
"Absolution?"
"You don't need something you already have." She replied softly.
Shane swiveled around to face her. Kim's expression dripped with empathy that mirrored his own.
"I suppose I gave you all kinds of reasons to suspect..." Kimberly admitted. The specters from their past parading right before them amidst the shadows of the room. Shane shifted his gaze towards the barren fireplace to his right. There was no warmth from a flame to comfort them on this night.
His next question burned upon his lips.
"What is it you want from me?" She implored, his eyes betraying his thoughts. He looked at her intently.
"Kimberly, I think you were my very first friend in Salem."
Kimberly's face fell remembering those early days. Shane set the cup down on the table in front of him. He began to pace the length of the room, running his fingers through his hair. Kimberly's eyes followed him clinging to whatever he was about to propose. Reaching the mantle of her fireplace, Shane glanced at a picture taken around the time Kimberly first entered his life. She had her arms wrapped around each brother, smiling beautifully at the camera. Addressing her,
"I would like that again."
The strength that illuminated across his face in the midst of their tragic circumstances gave her glimmer of hope. Kimberly slowly realized that like her with him, Shane could not bear being shut out of her life!
"That seems like a safe option!" She assured herself. "But,"
Kimberly tilted her face slightly away and asked skeptically,
"How?"
Her eyes never left his. Shane shrugged his shoulders.
"I guess we will have to figure that out one step at a time." He replied optimistically, walking towards her.
That's what they had done before…
"I sure could use an old friend." She whispered as a lonely tear streamed down her cheek. Shane reached into his pocket and pulled out a white clothed handkerchief. Gently he wiped the tear away. Kim reached for his hand, squeezing it.
"And you've always been a good friend, Shane Donovan."