"When You're Gone" – Avril Lavigne

Chapter 18

When he turned around she was nowhere in sight, standing on the balcony still wrapped in the sheet from the bed, and could feel his presence as he came up behind her. "You never answered me."

"Because I don't have an answer. As much as I want to I can't fix this the way you want darling, I can't erase who my family is no matter how much I want to. I just know it's what I have to do. Its blind faith darling, faith that as I walk away I will have the satisfaction of knowing you're safe." He said and tried to guide her back inside.

She could feel how this hurt him, see the pain in his eyes knowing the words were cutting him inside, causing the actual leaving to be so much worse then anything she was currently feeling. She couldn't help but feel like it wasn't fair. There shouldn't be anything ripping them apart.

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side

"Just give me a minute." She said, and as he left she whispered to the wind. "Destiny can only be fought for so long, you can only run so far before it catches up with you and our destiny was always and will always lie with one another."

As she reentered the room Ej had dinner all set up on the table and pulled her chair out for her as he poured them both a glass of wine. The two ate in silence, no words were left to be spoken and there was nothing either could do to fix what was broken. Ej would never stay knowing it could hurt Sami and she could never imagine a life without him. It brought back feelings to her last mean in prison all over again, she could feel her life slipping away, knowing the second he walked out the door her life was over.

"Ej," she finally said, putting her fork down and staring at him from across the table. "Please just hold me, just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok." She said and before she could get up he was already at her side and carrying her into bed, pulling the covers up over both of them as they lay in one another's arms trying to find the solace that would give them the strength they both would need when the sun came up.

As Ej woke at 7, he never expected to find her gone, to find half of the bed empty and be panicked with uncertainty. He jumped up and started looking around, panic showing on his face and fear in his eyes, where was she? Why did she leave? A million questions were running through his head as he made his way to the balcony, seeing her standing there, leaning on the rail and surely crying. His heart returned to normal at the sight of her, but it still ached for the pain he seen in her tears.

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

"It's freezing out here, why are you standing in the cold?"

"Trying to imagine a life without you, a life where I will forever be alone. Waking up and…" the tears continued to fall, causing her breathing to quicken and be uneasy. "but knowing I'll never have that security again kills me. It's like being in that room all over again, knowing you want me and knowing you need me but me powerless to do anything about it."

He went to touch her, to wipe away her tears and pull her into his embrace, but it was only air he reached as she pulled away.

"No, you don't get to be the hero, you don't get to leave me and be the one to hold me at the same time. It doesn't work like that. You made your choice, I can see it in your eyes. So GO!" She yelled and used the railing to brace her from falling as he crying became too much. "Just do me one thing," she said and he looked her right in the eyes as she spoke, knowing her demand would not be easy.

"Anything, just as long as its not asking me to stay." He said and knew a million questions could be in her head, He feared of what she would asked and hoped it was something he could not refuse, hoped that it was something he could give her to make this easier. Her tears were weighting on him, making this more difficult then accepting her death and venturing to her funeral. Harder then all his trips to her grave. It was one thing to say goodbye to a memory, but another to the woman begging you to stay.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone

"Tell me you don't love me. Tell me there's someone else and that you don't want me anymore. Tell me your heart loves someone else and it was never really mine." She cried and continued to walk away before almost falling. He went to catch her but she stopped him. "No, if you need to leave then leave. But leave knowing there's no turning back. You walk away today you walk away forever, no coming back in a week or a year begging me to forgive you and take you back." She said and her eyes held a confidence her heart didn't know.

All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

"I can't, I can't tell you I don't love you when I do. I also can't stay and I know that hurts because I feel the pain too. I feel it as I look in your eyes and see the tears fall. I see it as I look in the mirror and know I am going back to a shell of a man because I will never be able to love anyone else. But even with all that, I have hope that in doing this I will protect you from a life you should never have to live. As much as I want you now is not the time to be selfish."

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

"Then leave, don't stay here and drag this out. The sooner you leave the sooner I'll be able to put you behind me. To walk away from the only true love I ever had and use all the strength I can gather to live again. Just please don't come back, don't try and walk back into my life and don't try to be my friend. Ej, it really is going to take everything I have to move on from you, from us so please don't come back and crush all the I have built." She said and finally let herself fall.

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take

Do you see how much I need you right now?

"I wish things were different." Was all he said as he walked into the room and started to get dressed. She counted his steps as he went around the room collecting the pieces of his suit. One…over to the chair for his pants and belt, two…to retrieve his shirt from by the fire place, three…shoes and tie by the door. Then four, pausing as he turned around to look at her one last time before he left, not uttering a word, but trying to hold his tears at bay. She ran to the door and felt him on the other side.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah

As she slid down the door she realized what he left behind. Next to the bed layed his watch, the one she gave him on the eve of their wedding. The one she had especially inscribed for the two of them. She couldn't' bare to look at it, knowing the inscription would rip her inside out.

Love is always there to catch you when you fall!

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When Sami died on the floor, Ej went to speak the manager, trying his best to take care of her despite him leaving her.

"Samantha Brady, the women in the honeymoon suite, she can have anything she wants. Make sure she is taken care of and can stay as long or as many times as she wants. Call me and I'll take care of any charges, just never tell her who is picking up the bill." He said and slipped out and to the parking lot, staring up at her room, knowing she was still crying because he was too.

"If only I knew you'd be ok." Was all he could say as he got in his car and left, needing to make arrangements before he truly could leave her.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you