Chapter 13
Walk Away
"I just don't understand why he's doing this?" Kayla lamented.
"I try. I really do, but he just won't talk to me."
Fighting to salvage the relationship, Kayla pleaded,
"What am I supposed to do?"
Kimberly eyed her sister firmly.
Though a difficult pill to swallow, her sister needed to hear the truth.
"Kayla, he's going to have to deal with his own pain
And until he does,
He does not know how to care about you."
"What if he never has the courage to deal with it?" Kayla implored
Turning her back to her sister fresh tears appearing in her eyes.
Kimberly's voice was filled with compassion.
"...Then you have to have the courage to let go."
~ Kim to Kayla, March 1987
Location: LA
The contentious exchange between Shane and Phillip replayed itself through Phillip's mind like a revolving loop of film as the doctor spelled out his condition and recommended the course of treatment.
The physician eyed him suspiciously.
"Mr. Collier, what you have is a partially torn groin muscle."
The ugly purple bruising and inflammation didn't mesh with his patient's explanation of a soccer injury? He had seen enough paparazzi patients, who had experienced nasty run-ins with paid bodyguards, to recognize when a patient had been beaten up. The aging man suggested in a gruff professional tone,
"You should temper your activities for the next month or so if you are going to avoid surgery."
Handing Collier a cane,
"And investigate better conflict resolution options for the future."
Phillip grimaced at the advice.
The memory of being doubled over on his knees gazing helplessly up at Donovan's sinister smile as the man inspected his weapon, berated his psyche. Phillip resented the effect Donovan had on his fiancé and the lack of respect the spy had for the producer's own circle of influence. Winning Kimberly's love took on a whole new meaning for the producer who decided to use the humiliating moment to his advantage while explaining a way out of his missteps with her. Smiling slyly and twirling the cane in his left hand as he limped out of the office, Phillip whistled realizing the brilliance of his next move!
Location: Kim's home, a week later
The smell of gingerbread and cinnamon permeated Kimberly's home after an experimentation by the children to make their future stepfather cookies for his upcoming trip to Berlin. Kim marveled over the difference a week made in the nature of their relationship. Since returning from London last summer, she increasingly became disenchanted with playing the role of the stranger in their Hollywood affair. The trappings of idyllic weekends boating, glamorous parties, and controlled interactions rang hollow within the walls of Kim's heart. Fearful of another personal failure, she struggled to nurture a deeper bond with a man. But Phillip saw no problem or need when he had received everything he wanted from the arrangement before Kim's illness.
However, the day after Shane's departure, Phillip returned from the doctor armed with a confession that shocked Kimberly and caused her to reevaluate her feelings. The best lies were always laced with a kernel of truth.
A week earlier:
Phillip rang Kimberly's doorbell holding a white Poinsetta.
"Something festive to decorate your home?" He offered sheepishly when Kimberly answered.
"Oh Phillip, that's sweet, but you didn't have to?"
Phillip set the plant on her banquet table, which accented the holly and natural cedar garland draped across it. Leaning into the cane for support, he gently touched her chin.
"Yes, I did." Phillip confessed. "I owe you an explanation…"
Pausing for effect.
"And perhaps an apology?" He asserted gauging her expression carefully.
Perplexed, Kimberly smiled tenderly sliding her arm around his arm and escorted him in.
"What did the doctor say?"
Phillip treaded carefully and sighed,
"Well, I have sidelined myself for awhile."
And he relayed the information the orthopedist had given.
Kimberly wrinkled her nose at Phillip as she helped him to the couch.
"That'll teach you to experiment with acrobatics in my study." She quipped.
Only Phillip didn't laugh, but smiled faintly.
"You know I didn't trip over your ottoman."
Kimberly was stunned by his admission. She knew the explanation was flimsy, but never dreamed either man would reveal what transpired. Kimberly nodded her head slowly. Phillip ventured on, gently taking Kim's hand to stroke it.
"Kimm…berly?" He quickly corrected.
Artfully the experienced producer recreated the events, careful to leave out pertinent details.
"I'm afraid I have a jealous streak when it pertains to you." Phillip admitted ruefully. His cunning blue eyes met hers, as Collier distorted the altercation with Donovan to his advantage. Baffled, and completely transfixed on his face, Kimberly listened attentively as Phillip related how the conversation turned ugly, placing the blame on himself for misinterpreting Donovan's intentions, yet carefully placing the burden on Kimberly to distant herself from her ex. The well-spun tale drawing to a close, Kimberly swallowed hard.
"We've always been close friends?" She acknowledged.
"Friends?" His tone was accusatory.
She had trouble keeping eye contact searching for a way to ease his anxiety.
"The children…"
Playing to Kimberly's quiet guilt over the failure of her marriage, Phillip softened his approach.
"Yes, I know the children don't need to see their parents at odds. Remember, I am the product of divorce and…"
He paused to punctuate the mood.
"I wouldn't wish it on any child, but…" He looked down at their hands intertwined. Cleverly his eyes swept up to meet hers.
"I see the way he looks at you…"
Kim's breath caught in her throat.
Phillip let the glaringly obvious implication blanket over them for a moment. Twisting the knife further,
"Babe, I know it's completely irrational but with our…" His voice cracked and he looked away.
"…Issues."
The implication of his statement produced the desired effect.
Instantly Kimberly felt riddled with guilt at the idea that own her behavior was the cause of the misery she felt in her relationship with Phillip. Had she been sabotaging this relationship too? The admission hit her hard tempting Kim to rethink how the fractured family should spend Christmas.
"Perhaps, we should spend Christmas…"
"Shhh, shhh, I wouldn't hear of it." Phillip interrupted, his tone patronizing.
Phillip despised the thought of playing guest at Donovan's childhood estate. However the arrangement also created the ultimate opportunity to checkmate the opposition. What better way to flaunt his victory than creating his own amorous memories tarnishing Donovan's sanctuary?
Rebuffing the offer,
"Babe, that wouldn't be fair to the children…" He proclaimed nobly.
So in the week since, Kimberly responded to the 'heartfelt' conversation by focusing her attention on Phillip by nursing his injury and his supposedly wounded heart. Out of respect to her fiancé, the daily phone conversations with Shane dwindled to a few brief exchanges before putting the children on the line. Retaining an emotional distance, Kim let Andrew end the call each time.
Now propped up on the soft, cozy, taupe colored couch, Phillip read to the two children. He created different voices for each character as Kimberly gazed adoringly at the scene. Andrew and Jeannie giggled at each elaboration, oblivious to their roles in the real life theatre transpiring before them.
Later that evening, Kimberly walked Phillip to the door carrying the cookies they prepared for his trip. A light breeze sent chills along Phillip's exposed arms.
"Oooh, it's chilly this evening." He remarked lightly. His eyes twinkled against the moonlit sky as he gazed appreciatively at his fiancé.
"You better toughen up, Collier. Berlin is much colder this time of year." She teased.
Phillip pulled her against towards him rubbing his hands along Kim's body to generate some heat.
"Then you'll have to warm me up when we meet in London." He replied in a husky voice.
Her eyes widen.
"Call me when you arrive?" Kimberly suggested abruptly.
Phillip smiled broadly.
"Is that a hint of melancholy in my lover's voice?"
Kimberly flinched slightly at the term, but responded with an affirmative nod. Phillip took advantage of the opportunity he enticed his fiancé for a kiss. Acquiescing, Kimberly parted her lips as she slid into the routine. Returning his advances, she was determined to feel something, but the desires remained hidden. Kimberly slipped out of his embrace turning her head demurely away from him. Affected by Kim's technique, Phillip mistook her withdrawal as coquettish behavior.
"We'll have to continue this interlude after Berlin." He murmured seductively into her ear.
Kimberly smiled nervously as he kissed her cheek goodnight. With no plans to waste a perfectly good moment, Phillip slid into his black Massarati, tossed the homemade cookies into the backseat, and ventured off to satisfy his need…
Kimberly stood alone in her driveway, peering at the sky peppered with twinkling stars. Something was still amiss.
Recounting her recent sessions with Dr. Allison,
"Reevaluating your relationship with Phillip is quite normal, Kimberly." She stressed.
Her therapist had a way of commanding her patient's attention. Gesturing the importance of her next statement with her hands, Dr. Allison continued,
"But don't discount your intuition. Your body is merely responding to something your mind won't allow your heart to know yet."
"And what's that?" Kimberly inquired frantically.
Dr. Allison smiled compassionately at her patient.
"Aah, that is an answer only you can give."
Kimberly's disappointed expression encouraged the doctor to elaborate if only a little.
"Kim, you have amazing survival instincts. You need to trust them and I'm positive that when you feel safe, those answers will reveal themselves."
A light breeze blew against Kim's face as she pondered those words. As the temperature continued its steady plummet into the low 50's, her thin blue silk shirt provided little protection against the bite of the breeze. The crispness of the night air sent shivers down her spine. Kim was drawn to the sensation-a bold rush producing a quivering coursing through her body before the intensity produced a numbing effect that mirrored her personal predicament. It comforted her that she could safely feel something. But it wasn't what she craved. As she gazed forlornly at the various Christmas displays creating fairytale elegance along the neighborhood, a little voice deep inside her soul whispered, "Walk away."
Location: Café' Along the Thames River
The blustery wind accompanied a biting rain zapping away the warmth of woolen trenches provided. The bridges and shops along the Thames River were adorned with Christmas lights but the harsh cold prevented huddled pedestrians from viewing the marvel, seeking the shelter and warmth of the nearest restaurants. Inside one old establishment, two spies conversed over lunch.
"Sign here." Peachy gestured with a quick nod as she took a bite of the Cornish lamb.
"How's the knee, Laddie?"
Shane shrugged his shoulders as he enjoyed his Reuben.
"A bit of an ache, but otherwise fine."
"You say that now, but just wait until you're old like me." She tilted her head towards Shane's physique.
"Ah, you're still quite spry…and dare I say appealing to the gentlemen suitors?" Shane interrupted turning on the charm.
Peachy narrowed her blue-grey eyes at him.
"This old bird is not some giggly schoolgirl, you know?"
She wiped her hands on her napkin, inhaled deeply and inquired,
"What do you want?"
Shane's face contorted in the most amusing fashion, displaying his trademark dimples.
"If I do recall, you have a very close acquaintance within the halls of the Senate?" He implied suggestively.
Looking like the cat that ate the canary, the elder spy attempted to deflect the implication.
"He may not be all that useful to us since the recent Italian referendums."
"I'm sure you'll find out for me." He winked.
Peachy wagged her finger at Shane, not forgetting the original topic at hand.
"All those bumps and bruises come back to bite you in retirement." His partner mused dryly.
A boisterous laughter escaped Shane's lips but dissipated rather quickly as the depth of the meaning became abundantly clear. Peachy was a woman who held many secrets; secrets that birthed the sage advice given to the younger spy that he failed to heed at times to his own detriment. Shane cleared his throat indicating he was ready to conduct official business.
The expression Peachy wore on her face indicated that her time in Geneva had not been pleasant. Tarrington was still cleaning up the mess his most prized intelligence officer made during his recent visit. Their boss railed over Shane's destruction of a year's worth of evidence that filled the trunk of the black Mercedes he drove into the Rhone River barely a month earlier. Shane leaned back in the corner booth wiping his hands on a napkin. Taking a quick scan around the room, he elaborated in a low voice,
"I suspect we are dealing with something a lot bigger than your average gun running operation here."
Peachy's brow lifted with interest.
"I needed a way to gain their trust…" He continued.
"Create a reputation with a few unrelated jobs, then indebt them to you by hijacking their operation…thus forcing them to seek your services." Peach surmised with a knowing nod.
Shane grinned impishly.
"Exactly."
He raised his glass to Peachy,
"And just the kind of thing that lends credence to my cover."
"Between your little stunt in Switzerland and your agenda in Italy, I am positive that you already have tongues wagging." Peachy smirked.
Shane brushed off her sarcasm by downing the last bit of his tea. The cup made a flippant clank against the saucer as their waitress approached. Smiling flirtatiously at the spy,
"May I offer you or your mum anything else?" She inquired, the inflection of her voice reflecting a thick Cockney dialect.
Peachy narrowed her eyes in amusement as Shane politely waved her off.
"Just the check, please."
Then turning his attention to Peachy who folded her arms across her chest and rested them on the table.
"Speaking of interests, Laddie."
Shane leaned closer.
"I checked out that person of interest for you." She remarked gravely.
"And?"
"This Perkins fellow… he has three different Social Security numbers- the first originates from New York."
Shane's eyes floated above them and gazed out window at rain droplets beginning to transform into frozen fog due to the barely above freezing temperatures. As Shane pondered the intel, Peachy revealed,
"And an interesting note about Collier's assets."
Shane abruptly turned his attention back to his partner, eyeing her intently.
"His name is not on any of the deeds to his three homes or the condo in New York."
Peachy leaned back pleased with herself.
Shane chuckled quietly to himself but then narrowed his brow.
"So much for being a 'self-made' man." He chortled sarcastically. "Whose on the deeds?"
"Various names, but none of them flagged at first inspection." Peachy replied cryptically. "I'll do some more digging."
The two stood, wrapping themselves with their coats, scarves, and gloves. Shane leaned into Peachy giving her an affectionate squeeze as they stepped out into the cold and raw weather.
"Thanks, Peach. I'll phone once the plane lands."
"You're not returning home?"
Peachy hadn't expected another departure.
Shane hesitated.
Since leaving LA, he and Kimberly had spoken very little over the phone. When they had, her reserved manner only heightened Shane's curiosity to Kim's thoughts, feelings and what possibly occurred between her and Phillip after his departure? The possibilities endless, his analytical mind ran in overdrive! Shane had over two weeks to kill before they arrived for the holidays and if he loitered around Donovan Manor, the spy knew he would sink lower into the emotional abyss. Work provided a familiar, albeit fleeting haven for his weary soul. Peachy was keenly aware of the tactic and disappointed that her protégé was being so short-sided. Her icy silence pierced through the layers of wool. Shane stared straight ahead as they walked along the Thames. Heaving a labored sigh,
"Peach, it's all I have at the moment."
Reaching their destination, Peachy turned to face him.
"Rubbish!" She retorted wrapping her arms around herself for added warmth. "But I'll play along."
Peachy glanced out at the rough waters of the Thames.
"So tell me, Laddie: have you given any thought about what you would do if …"
Pausing for effect.
"…When this job isn't what drives you?"
She tightened her grey plaid scarf closer around her face to filter out the bite of the breeze.
"Could you walk away from this?"
The wind blew harshly against their faces, chilling them to the bone. The next question remained unspoken between them, but its bone crushing effects whipped against the spy's reddened cheeks.
"Will you?"
Shane glanced over her shoulder gazing out across the choppy, foamy waters of the river. Memories of Kim's desperate pleas echoed between his ears.
"It must be some assignment…I mean it hasn't even started yet, and already the anxiety level in this room is just going through the roof?" She observed apprehensively. Seeking reassurance for the ominous feel of the case,
"Is it as dangerous as I think it is?"
"Oh, Kim…" He started to console her, but Kim cut him off.
"No, don't tell me. I understand. You'll tell me if you want me to know…" ~1989
The beleaguered spy patted the elder's shoulder in defeat.
"Peach, once I accepted the Jericho case, I'm afraid I set the wheels in motion that sealed my fate for the worse."
She eyed him compassionately but Shane's tone didn't permit further discussion.
Bidding his old trusted confidante, 'adieu,' he turned on his heel, hailed a cab, and headed towards Heathrow bound for a friendlier climate. As the rain/snow mix bore down upon London, and ambulance sirens pierced through the protective shell of the cab, Shane's thoughts drifted back to the past.
He could see her clearly…
"Standing before him with her lavender blouse still unfastened exposing a hint of the delicate curvature of her cleavage. Kim's hair was slightly disheveled from his hands that had mingled between her thick curls as her hands and lips coaxed him to the floor. Now she bit her lip in pent up sexual frustration. Shane thought himself a bloody fool for resisting Kim's seduction.
Why hadn't he succumbed to her naughty little game?
"Shane?"
Kimberly stood in the doorway of his study, hesitant to leave.
Her fears were quite prophetic as he recalled the moment in hindsight.
"Honey, I'm frightened."
"Shh, oh sweetheart..." He soothed longing to ease her fears.
"I know it's your job." She interrupted. "I know you have your work. I know you disappear days on end, or are in the communications room, and all that. But what I never get used to is the danger."
Her voice cracked with emotion.
His compassionate and attentive eyes encouraged her to continue.
"You know whenever you start an assignment like this; it's like something winds up so tight within you, you pull so far away from me that I can't reach you. And it scares me." She confessed in anguish.
"That's when it's the most dangerous, isn't it?"~1989
"Partly." He mused answering her question retrospectively as Shane traced the patterns of ice forming on the windowpane of the cab. The car pulled towards the curb. Shane leaned forward tipping the man generously.
"A case is most dangerous when it leaves the one most vulnerable, the one you love the most…exposed."
It was something Shane could never verbalize. Once he regained his memory, the weight of what transpired hit his psyche full force. Flashes of surveillance tape streamed through Shane's memory when he was being held by Jericho. The slight of hand had been brilliant: keep his focus on Alfred's business as his old friend lay the groundwork to take Shane down by placing the Trojan War inside his home. Being on Jericho's payroll, Winters' was a trained operative whose sole mission had been to seduce his wife as a means to break Donovan. Shane's walls were fortified for a reason, yet it didn't protect him from the pain of exposing his family to the wolves. Refusing to address the glaring Achilles heal his enemies possessed, Shane wrapped himself deeper into emotional isolation- a technique that ultimately produced the desired outcomes his enemies originally intended. The resilient spy slammed the cab door throwing his carrying on bag across his right shoulder, shifting his focus to the task at hand.
Location: LA, mid-December,
Curtis Charity Christmas Party
A sigh of happy relief enveloped Kimberly's friends when Phillip departed for his business trip to Berlin. His absence freed Kimberly. She volunteered for Andrew's class party and helped Liz coordinate a Christmas Benefit at their Malibu Estate. The holiday season also fostered an opportunity for the sisters to take some small steps towards healing. Whether it was decorating Kayla's tree, or Christmas shopping with Amanda, most of the time their interactions were pleasant and provided some relief from old wounds.
"You have to admit, Phillip is hitting all the right notes, lately." Dr. Strickland remarked dryly. Dressed in a black tuxedo, he stood beside his wife and their gracious hosts. Amanda aimed her gorgeous green eyes, which burned intensely against the emerald colored silk gown she wore, sharply at her husband.
"Amazing how a knee to the groin changes a man." She cooed.
"Relax dear." He cajoled, thriving on her fiery spirit when pursuing the injustice of mismatched couples.
"I haven't crossed over to the dark side…yet."
A few low chuckles rippled throughout the friendly group. None believed the first story nor Phillip's revised version ripe with contrition.
Neil interjected wisely.
"Knowing our friend's trademark stubbornness, the quickest way for her to exit his life would be if Phillip began dictating how she should live hers."
"He does that already." Kayla scoffed.
Dressed in a sequenced strapless red dress, Kayla's mood was already sour having endured several light-hearted references to being "the lady in red" of the evening. The holidays were difficult enough without having to be reminded of her late husband. After this night, the lonely nurse swore she'd never wear red again!
Addressing Kayla's observation, LA's well-respected therapist replied:
"True, but Phillip's crafty. He doesn't issue ultimatums and makes it easy for her to retain status quo for the moment."
Peter's tone was measured as he contemplated their friend's emotional state. His deep hazel eyes scanned the room.
"Though, I sense a restlessness in her of late."
"Speaking of restlessness," Liz interrupted the discussion. "If you conspirators will excuse me, I think our patrons are getting impatient for some entertainment." She gestured with a wink.
"How about a rendition of 'Friends & Lovers?'" Amanda quipped mischievously as she brought the champagne to her perfectly plump lips.
Liz's eyes sparkled at the suggestion.
Raising her glass to Amanda,
"Ah, that's a favorite!" The renowned singer replied nostalgically. "But let's save that one for when both of them are in the room."
The corners of Amanda's mouth turned up agreeably.
"Ooh, I like the way you think."
Dr. Strickland eyed his wife knowing the gears in her pretty little head were promptly weaving together a way to make that happen.
Suddenly the topic of their conversation approached and the group dispersed into respective genders. Kimberly's radiant eyes mirrored the shimmering fabric of her silver gown as she approached her friends. Left alone the three women began chatting as Amanda pitched the idea of setting Kayla up with her brother-in-law over the Strickland Christmas dinner. The suggestion was met with apprehension from Kayla, but an enthusiastic endorsement from Kim.
"Why on earth not, Kay!" She exclaimed.
Her sister murmured a few lame excuses as Kimberly attempted to persuade Kayla to not be so stubborn. Seeing a professor from Griffin a few feet away, the aspiring medical student excused herself to make an introduction. Alone with Kimberly, Amanda engaged in light conversation before carefully addressing Kim's recent donations to the abuse clinic. Punctuating the privacy of the matter, Amanda leaned forward.
"Are you sure that you're ready to give away your baby items?" She asked with a hint of sadness in her voice.
"Yes, I…"
"What? Kimmie, why would you do that?" Kayla exclaimed returning unexpectedly behind them.
Startled by the interruption, Kimberly quickly recovered.
"For the same reason as you, Kay…" She replied matter-of-factly. "They'll be better use for the clinic than stored in my attic collecting dust."
Kayla eyed her sister skeptically.
It was no secret that out of all the dreams Pop thrust upon her shoulders, the only one Kimberly cared about was family- a warm, cozy home with a loving husband and numerous children. When she married Shane, Kayla remembered Kimberly gushing over adding to their family and Andrew had just turned one!
"So suddenly you don't want anymore children?" She prodded.
Kimberly attempted to deflect the conversation back to its original topic.
"Kayla, we were talking about you, remember?" She reminded her sister sweetly.
"I think this is more important." Kayla interjected.
Kimberly sighed exasperated that the conversation had taken this turn. Amanda winced, mouthing 'sorry.' Her perceptive green eyes darted between the two and stepped back, but Kim touched her arm for support.
"No, and there's really nothing to discuss. It's personal."
"Oh, but it's ok for you to lecture me about my personal life?" Kayla protested irritably.
Kimberly softened her stance and attempted to salvage the evening with her sister.
"Kayla, honey…this is different. You have a desirable man attracted to you and you're too wrapped up in past mistakes to take advantage of a wonderful opportunity." She explained compassionately.
"Sounds like pot calling the kettle if you ask me." Kayla replied meekly gazing down at the bubbles floating in her champagne that had lost its appeal since she returned.
Kimberly crossed her arms.
"Some things are out of one's control and this really isn't the place to discuss either topic." Knowing that behind every conversation regarding Phillip, her sister was alluding to Shane as well.
"I just think you're giving up a whole lot for him in order to make this relationship work." Kayla offered diplomatically.
Amanda flashed her a look of caution. While she completely agreed with Kayla's assessment, the observant brunette was perplexed at the level of resistance from Kimberly in accepting advise from her sister. Behind the laughter and genuine affection they shared around her, melancholy harnessed the sisters. Its intensity grew by the day.
Glued to the spot, Amanda felt helpless except to shield the exchange from prying eyes that passed nearby. As the chords of a perfectly tuned piano played, a chorus of cheerful patrons bellowed, "It's the most wonderful time of the year…"
Impulsively Kimberly pulled her sister towards the expansive patio just outside the massive sliding doors to their right. Outside, they were alone with their demons.
"I can't believe you would stoop that low after… after seeing how good he is with Andrew and Jeannie!" She scolded.
Kimberly whirled around to face her.
In a low voice,
"Whatever your opinion of him may be, the issue of more children has nothing to do with vanity, or selfishness, or…"
Her right arm flailed wildly around them to the demonstrate error in Kayla's criticism.
"Or whatever dastardly characteristics you assign to him!"
Despite the vibrancy of the white Christmas lights adorning the tree from the inside, a pall loomed overhead. A gentle gnawing in the pit of Kayla's stomach surfaced.
"Then what is it, Kim?" She whispered half afraid to know the answer.
Kimberly glanced down at the concrete beneath her feet and then to her sister. While Kayla's compassion was appreciated, Kimberly resented having this discussion considering the circumstances of Jeannie's paternity reveal. Cal's web of lies had torn her family apart and in the end, Kayla had played a role in the destruction.
From the moment Shane regained his memory, he set the perimeters of their communication so that subjects relating to Cal were off limits. He effectively shut down all avenues of healing. When Kimberly left, his refusal to address the pain he harbored over Cal's manipulation and affair with his wife during his absence, caused Shane to transfer his feelings from the baby Kimberly carried over to his niece, Stephanie. Kayla's relationship with her brother-in-law was tenuous at best. Thus, when Cal blurted out the truth while holding Kayla hostage, she feared Shane's walls would tumble down paving the way for reconciliation with Kim! Faced with the choice of telling him the truth about his daughter with Kimberly or securing a bond-Kayla chose her own desires. This realization tortured Kim's heart in the worst way. After a long, torturous silence, Kayla pressed harder.
"What is it, Kim?"
Kimberly lifted her eyes to her sister and revealed evenly.
"Phillip had leukemia as a teen."
Kayla nodded encouragingly and gently gestured for her to continue.
Kimberly withdrew and began to pace the perimeter of the patio. It provided a nice panoramic view of the Pacific shoreline and the valley below peppered with city lights in the distance. A light breeze picked up strands of Kim's hair giving Kayla a glimpse of the gloomy expression she wore.
"It's a miracle he is alive, but …" Kim exhaled. "Phillip can't have children." She confessed gravely.
"Oh…"
As a nurse, Kayla understood the issue perfectly and felt a newfound sense of compassion for the man. It certainly offered an explanation for his obsession with appearances and the constant quest for sexual gratification.
"Wait, surely you could…" She offered hopefully stepping closer.
"It wouldn't be wise, Kay." Kimberly interrupted firmly.
The finality in her voice revealed the compounding issue and immediately Kayla reached out for her sister.
"Oh my god, Kimberly!"
Reluctantly she explained what the doctors had told her less than twenty-four hours after a long, grueling delivery with Jeannie. Kimberly was advised that carrying another child would not be in her best interest physically. There were scar tissue from injuries sustained from both her car accident during the pregnancy with Andrew and the assault by Eve's john that resulted in the death of her second baby. When Dr. Norris prematurely induced labor with Jeannie, the damage was secured. It was virtually impossible for Kimberly to carry another baby to term. Kimberly discussed the issue with Phillip when they began dating two years earlier. He was thrilled to have an opportunity to help raise Kim's children, she told her sister.
"So you see, Kay…" Her eyes were pleading for support. "Phillip has a lot more compassion than you have given him credit for." She asserted softly.
Kayla pondered the information for a moment.
"Who else knows about this?" She inquired sensitively.
"Besides Phillip, …Amanda, Neil and now you." Kimberly replied as Kayla attempted to comfort her.
"And Shane?" Kayla wondered aloud after a few minutes of awkward silence.
Kimberly recoiled, wounded by the implication of Kayla's question.
"I was all alone when they told me, Kay." Her voice was saturated with pain, remembering the weight of what had transpired in a cold, sterile delivery room in LA three years ago.
"And I suspect this little piece of news would have been looked upon in much the same fashion as all the other details I tried to share with him once I returned to Salem."
Kayla swallowed guiltily. She had projected all of her motives of retaining a relationship with Shane back onto Kimberly; so convinced everything her sister did was based on a scheme to win her ex-husband back. As Kayla contemplated the matter, Kimberly shook her head in disbelief,
"Even now, after everything you witnessed, you still choose to believe that somehow my bloody little secrets were solely responsible for the demise of our marriage?"
"I don't think you were solely responsible." Kayla objected defensively. Lowering her voice,
"I just thought you should have fought harder." She attempted feebly.
The force of the accusation smacked Kimberly in the face! With one hand resting on her hips and the other pointing towards an imaginary route to Salem, Kimberly blurted out in anguish,
"Walking out that door was the hardest thing I have ever had to do!"
"You abandoned him!" Kayla retorted.
Kimberly stepped aside, glaring back.
"Not before he abandoned me." She corrected beating her hand against her breast.
A vault opened and the desperation Kimberly felt when she was pregnant and trying to reach her husband emotionally, tumbled out before them.
"I pounded against that great wall he built around his heart until I bled!" She cried seeking safety from the sting of Kayla's accusation. "Oh, he always had his reasons to avoid our problems… a case, someone needed him. Any excuse would do!"
Kimberly shook her head vehemently rejecting the idea that she didn't fight hard enough.
"Everything was based on his terms. Well, I had a child growing inside me and my needs be damned, I had to think about hers too!"
Drawing a labored breath, Kimberly glared at her sister.
"You can't have a relationship with someone who is avoiding the pain, Kay. Your hands get cut every time you touch them, so your only option IS to walk away."
Kimberly wrapped her arms protectively around herself. She shifted her gaze towards the impressive nighttime ocean view.
"He just needed time to deal with all that pain." Kayla explained feebly trying to reach some sort of reconciliation.
Abruptly Kimberly froze.
Slowly she pivoted around to address her sister's justifications.
"Oh?" She noted cryptically her eyebrow heightened with intrigue.
"Exactly how long did you give him before you were calling me out here in LA for a shoulder to cry on and a way out?"
"That's different!" Kayla shot back.
"How?"
Kayla's eyes shifted desperately for something to cling to, but Kim's penetrating stare was relentless.
"It just is." Kayla sputtered as the events surrounding Shane's paralysis rippled through her psyche.
Insulted by the implication of her silence, Kimberly was horrified!
"Because I deserved to be punished for my sins, is that what you're saying?"
"No!" Kayla shouted in protest.
The ugliness of the sordid affair mocked them.
Stony silence.
Swallowing hard, Kayla's voice cracked.
"He didn't love me." She acknowledged firmly. "I mean, he was caring…but he wasn't in love with me."
Refusing to allow Kayla to see how it affected her, Kim's focus remained towards the glass. Gazing at the array of beautifully clad men and women singing and toasting from inside she wondered why she wasn't there with them? Kayla studied her sister's expression waiting for a response as Kimberly struggled to form words. When none came after a few minutes of awkward silence, Kayla pressed,
"Are you in love with Phillip?"
Defiantly Kimberly whirled around her eyes brimming with hot angry tears.
"Why can't you just support my choices?" She forced out in a whisper.
Kayla opened her mouth ready to justify her case, but Kim continued,
"Because I have always supported yours whether I agreed with them or not."
Kayla was rendered speechless as painful memories from the past indicted her. The consequences of her affair with Shane continued to ripple throughout their lives into the present. The gaping wound from that tumultuous year created a barrier that blocked Kayla from reciprocating critical counsel her sister once gave her. She found herself in the same position Kimberly had been in years before when Kayla pursued a "safer" emotional investment with Jack. But back then; the wounds of betrayal didn't drive Kayla. She stood by helplessly as Kimberly spiraled towards a dangerous fork in the road. Without answering Kayla's question, Kimberly turned on her heel and exited the patio.