Temperance

"So then love walked up to like.

Said, 'I know that you don't like me much.

Let's go for a ride."

There's an ocean wrapped around that pineapple tree.

And is your place in heaven

Worth givin' up these kisses…"

~ Cooling, Tori Amos

Location: Donovan Manor Family Room

Slowly, Kimberly opened her eyes to a dimly lit room filled with only the fire's cozy warmth to keep the winter chill at bay. And just as before when she was in the hospital, Kim discovered him station protectively over her ensuring that all was well while she slept. The image reassured her, making Kimberly feel as though all were right in the world. It was that familiar sense of security he had always provided her in the midst of any storm: real or metaphorical. A pang of compassion pricked her soul at the sight of him perched in his father's old upright chair to the right of the fire—rather uncomfortably from his slumped, contorted posture. A file full of loosely clipped paperwork remained opened in his lap. Kimberly squeezed her eyes shut attempting to squelch an old and deadly habit of feeling too much—especially in regards to him and his work. It hadn't been her job for quite some time now.

"Talk about justified. My concern was totally justified!" She protested vehemently defending her actions from earlier. Shane had left abruptly telling her about a meeting concerning the case. Then, Kim discovered a cryptic note requesting a meeting with him shortly after the latest of a steady stream of threats against her life had been delivered. As a nasty summertime storm pummeled Salem, Kimberly grew worried and called the police for assistance. Little did she know at the time that her actions broke up a sexual liaison between the two?

"I don't think so." Kayla replied curtly now wearing a set of dry clothes on loan from Kim. The lime green colored cowl-neck sweater complimented Kimberly's cool pinkish hues but clashed against her sister's warmer complexion. Clothed in Kim's attire highlighted the 'green-eyed monster' churning deep inside Kayla's soul.

"Shane isn't your business anymore, Kimberly." Her voice lifted slightly and she spoke the next words slowly so that their sting would be most potent. "You are not his wife anymore and you are certainly not his keeper."

Kimberly's breath caught inside her throat. Averting her eyes, she replied calmly,

"You know, Shane and I were together for many years," Kim began as she sorted through Kayla's insecurities, which hinged on her erroneous belief that Kim was out to thwart her happiness. Quite the opposite, it was disturbing that the more time Kayla spent with Shane, the more sour and paranoid her demeanor became. However, no one in the family was willing to point this out and Kimberly was damned if she was the one who articulated it. The conviction of her feelings rippled steadily forward dispelling the notion that she had behaved inappropriately. Kimberly returned her eyes squarely back towards her sister. "We, we were together for a long, long time," She replied softly. Her voice rose defensively. "And I think I have the RIGHT to feel something!"

"No," Kayla replied coolly—her blue eyes lacking any warmth and compassion towards the pain she was causing. "Not where's Shane's concerned. No, not anymore." Kayla hissed sweetly in a quiet whisper to mask her possessive nature. ~ August 1991

Her sister's venomous attacks still lingered in Kim's heart reminding her that; regardless of the reason, it was she who had committed the fatal act that killed Shane's love for her. Being told numerous times how wrong it was to love him, Kimberly began to believe it.

Thus, she had spent the past few years training her heart to view him in a different light after countless callous rejections of her heart. Shane had done such a fabulous job rubbing Kimberly's nose into the fact that he had replaced her with Kayla for a relationship that seemed more about punishing the bad girl than love. Oh, but the two spent a great deal of time of assuring everyone that they were two innocent lovers thwarted by the adulterous Kimberly's manipulation! Once the sordid affair predictably ended, Shane and Kimberly settled into a comfortable, yet delicately woven together friendship while recovering from that horrible year.

So when he ran off to Europe after relearning to walk, Kimberly was left to grieve once more—this time for the loss of a cherished friend at a time when her whole world as she understood it crumbled before her. However, ever since Shane had emotionally re-entered her life six months ago with the same familiar force that swept Kimberly off her feet originally, she felt confused and terrified to trust its implications. With the presentation of a delicate hybrid tea rose, their friendship had been rekindled on the other side of these very walls and it comforted Kimberly. Yet, she found Shane's obvious attraction towards her that tied in with his devotion discomforting.

Making the situation more difficult was sorting through the fallout of her identity disorder, its implications, and the deep pit of despair Kimberly felt over the obvious relationship dead end she had with Philip. Ironically, she felt the same kind of pressure from Shane that she was experiencing with Philip—to be the woman he imagined her to be instead of the one she was at the moment. Wrestling with the conflict proved tiresome, so she pushed it away for now. Kimberly rose slowly and escaped towards the guest bath down the front hall towards the ballroom before her next coughing fit threatened to wake him.

When she crept back into the room—hesitant at first given their contentious exchange before she had fallen asleep, Kimberly found him still sleeping soundly. The melodic crackle of the fire had dimmed into a struggling few embers desperate to pop and dance desperately within the firebox. The Christmas tree remained resolute at its perch in the far left corner; its vibrant colors stripped of warmth due to the dying embers in the fireplace. A steady and persistent chill crept into the otherwise intimate dwelling. Stepping closer, she noticed the pile of papers scattered around his feet on the floor before him. Kimberly sighed compassionately at the display. Juggling the demands of accomplished spy and doting caretaker were taking their toil on him. Kimberly smiled faintly as she studied his serene expression. Approaching, she knelt before him.

"Shane." Kimberly cooed as she gingerly touched his limp fingers, which rested on the armrest. When he didn't stir, she called out again while proceeding to collect the contents of the file. "Shane. Honey, wake up." Shaking his arm gently, "Your back is going to pay you back dearly for this little impromptu nap." She muttered in quiet amusement.

"Shane?"

His eyes flickered opened and briefly revealed his appreciation at seeing her by his side.

"Kimberly." He mumbled lovingly reaching out for her face with his right hand. Leaning back, she blushed slightly at his rather intense stare before avoiding his touch by turning back to gather the paperwork. Still groggy, Shane's eyes followed her. Upon seeing the papers strewn before them and easily at Kimberly's disposal, he abruptly lunged forward and began grabbing the remaining papers away from her. The warning he received in his dream rattled him.

"You didn't…" He quizzed as the spy's training kicked in washing away the side effects of a deep, intoxicating sleep.

"No," She remarked with a teasing glint in her eye. "You taught me well, Capt'n." And switching into a light British affectation that imitated Shane's accent, "Kimberly, plausible deniably." She reminded him with a friendly wink.

Relieved, Shane smiled warmly at her gesture as he tapped the stack of papers lightly against his knee. Clipping them together, he brushed aside the last vestiges of his dream as it faded into the shadowy catacombs of his heart. Shane studied the timid and still quite pale creature before him who clearly was trying to make amends for their earlier altercation. Kimberly's ability to lighten the mood regardless of the gravity of the situation was quite endearing. His body visibly relaxed as he took stock of his surroundings. The tree still twinkled merrily with its white lights, which created a hazy halo around the loose, wavy strands of Kimberly's hair. She remained seated at his feet observing him with those enchanting, kind eyes that always settled his soul. As each second passed by with his soulful eyes trained squarely on her, Kimberly's brief bout of strength dissipated. She leaned back against the side of the leather sofa wincing slightly due to her injured ribs and clutched her hands against her soft pink blouse. Raising his hand that held the now stuffed file, the spy briefly clasped her right hand for assurance before he retreated to the study to secure the information.

Shane returned quickly but quietly and thus, found her still seated on the floor by the sofa staring into the dying flames of the fire. For a moment, Shane stood in the shadows to observe her. His eyes traced the outline of her pert little nose, the way her lips pursed together softly as wayward ringlets of her strawberry blonde hair hung leisurely against her face. A blue and vacant expression saturated an otherwise beautiful pair of sparkling green eyes. The vibrant creature, who visited and taunted him incessantly in his dreams was a distant memory from their past. She had been replaced with an unsure, wounded soul who was attempting to put the pieces back together from a shattered life.

He'd been there to a lesser degree when he awoke in the hospital from the explosion and realized he was paralyzed. Feeling blindsided by his condition, Shane had struggled with how to sort out the sordid mess of his personal life. It was the first time in almost a decade that the capable spy felt utterly and completely alone. The outpouring of love and support from the rest of the Brady family while much appreciated, gave him little solace. For the first time since they had met, Shane had to travel this road without her. Even when they were severely estranged, Kimberly had flown halfway across the world to be there when he was shot in Stockholm! She was the one person he could count on for support—even if things were contentious between them.

But not this time.

This time, Kimberly had not come running from LA but instead, left Shane in the care of the one he claimed to prefer. The ramifications of his vindictive behavior slowly began to settle into his heart as he lay in that dreary hospital bed. After all, how many times had she been condemned for doing so within that past year?

"I can't believe you're attacking me for showing some concern for you!" She exclaimed angrily offended by Shane's inferences that her motives weren't pure when he had disappeared in the middle of the night during a torrential downpour. Combined with the compounding threats, Kimberly was absolutely heartsick over the prospects of not seeking help in time. Now she stood in the foyer of the house they once shared in an awkward but intense exchange with her soaking wet ex-husband and her sister. "What, a waste of time!" She fumed outwardly.

But on the inside, Kimberly felt like she had been played the fool one more time.

~ August, 1991

The pensive spy stood in the shadows observing Kimberly and realized how unrealistic the demands were that he had placed on her in the past few months. While Shane had the past two years to wade through the complicated issues between them, Kimberly hadn't caught up to him yet. How could she? This was a woman who had—less than a year before barely escaped a prison sentence for almost two murders that had been committed by unknown personalities within her! Admittedly, the startling revelations appeared daunting to the veteran spy who thought he had seen and heard almost everything. While a brief sigh of relief had enveloped Shane at the discovery of the root of Kimberly's bizarre behavior, the knowledge also presented him with a great amount of guilt.

His mind raced through the scores of conversations with Roman and Marlena concerning her welfare and details of the case. Shane couldn't fathom the turmoil Kimberly had endured all these years, but he wanted to try and help her through it now. Marlena had delicately tried to prepare him during their visit last summer as to the process of Kimberly's recovery—the re-evaluation of each and every relationship she had with others. Shane could identify with that. He struggled after two separate explosion had first crippled his memory, then later his legs. However, alone with Kimberly in this darkened room without the prying eyes of others, Shane could see that the long-term effects of untreated sexual abuse carried a burden far deeper than simply recovered memories or learning to adjust to a physical handicap. There were triggers to accept and trust to rebuild for Kimberly that reached deep down into the makeup of her personality—one that had deemed it necessary to split, not once but twice in order to cope…to survive. And frankly, no one in the family, not even Marlena seemed to ask one pertinent question regarding Kimberly's condition that begged to be answered: was the hit and run by Roger Lombard really an adequate explanation for their re-emergence? A nagging suspicion deep within Shane's psyche had been growing for quite some time as to the root of what triggered Kimberly's need for the alters after laying dormant for so many years.

Observing her from such an intimate vantage point, it became obvious to Shane that he had inadvertently added to the heavy burden that already rested upon this lady's shoulders. Kimberly appeared as lost to him as she did after running away from Roman's Wake all those years ago. His attempts to gain her trust and affection seemed to result in a mix outcome: sometimes welcoming, other times thwarted. And the more he attempted to reach her, the more she reminded him of that obstinate blind woman who used her blindness as a self-imposed prison to avoid intimate entanglements. The parallels pierced his heart.

"I damn near killed one of my fastest horses to get a few seconds together, now tell me what's going on! Shane demanded impatiently as he grabbed her arm whirling a blind Kimberly around to face him and answer the question.

"Alright!" She cried in anguish as the shield slipped briefly from those otherwise blank blue-green eyes. "It's because I'm more comfortable with him than I am with you!" She pulled back bracing for Shane's unbridled fury over the truth. But instead the admission instantly eviscerated his anger knocking the wind out of him. Shane took a step back bracing himself while still panting from the intense horseback riding that had brought him to this point with her.

"Why?" His voice was laced with melancholy at the revelation. An unspoken, "you reach for a stranger who knows nothing about you over someone who loves you and would risk everything for you," permeated Shane's hurt expression.

"Because he knows when to leave me alone." Kimberly confessed hastily in a voice saturated in pain before she lost her nerve. "He doesn't put pressure on me like you do!"

Shane's voice was ripe with emotion as he added poignantly,

"Neither does he love you like I do."

"The last thing I need right now is anyone loving me." She protested dramatically. "You don't give me room to breathe!" ~August 22, 1985

Shane bit the inside of his cheek and pushed back lingering feelings of bitterness regarding his mishandling of the whole sordid affair. The spy would be damned if he'd allow someone like Philip Collier—a man nowhere near Kiriakis' intelligence and cunning caliber to outplay him!

Slowly, Shane strolled over to her. Without saying a word, he stroked the fire to reignite a steady blaze to quell the winter chill. Whirling back around, he snatched the blanket off the sofa and draped it around Kim's shoulders as he slinked down into a seated position next to her against the side of the sofa. Careful to keep a proper distance between them, Shane pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. His hands clasped together, he glanced to his left at the tree, then back towards the fire. All the while, Kimberly studied his every move.

"I owe you an apology." She offered softly gazing at the roaring fire. Shane turned his head to the right and gazed at her for a moment. " I guess I overreacted…" Kimberly added guiltily.

"I wouldn't say that." He interrupted compassionately. "I'm afraid we've been getting our wires crossed lately." His voiced oozed with regret. The reluctant spy paused as Kimberly's eyes rested on his with heightened interest. "And that's actually my fault."

Kim's weary eyes widen at the pronouncement.

"I don't understand?" She replied slowly.

Shane raised his finger as a signal to pause their discourse as he rose to a standing position. Leaning forward, he took her hand with one while bracing her back with the other to help Kimberly into a standing position. She scrunched her brow confused by his intentions until he motioned her back towards the leather sofa.

"Won't you be more comfortable here?" He asked politely.

"Yes.' She acknowledged with a soft smile before Shane walked past her and towards the left end of it. They were like U.N diplomats preparing to forge a new treaty between two countries embroiled in a cold war. Kimberly leaned back into the plush furniture and absorbed the warmth of the fire hitting her backside as Shane reclined into his position on the opposite end. Kimberly closed her eyes for a moment to soak in the coziness of it all. When she opened them once more, she found him watching her placidly.

"As I was saying…" He began in a low but tender voice. This time it was Shane who had trouble maintaining eye contact. Kimberly deserved to be released from his demands, but the seasoned spy grappled with how to do so without completely leaving himself exposed. Her eyes were bright with cautious expectation as Kimberly implored him to continue. "I apologize Kimberly." His eyes scanned the room vacillating between the tree to his left and the blaze of the fire just over her left shoulder as he spoke. Shane inhaled deeply. " I've let my personal feelings get the best of me and I'm afraid they've clouded my motives in your eyes…"

Kimberly turned her head slightly to the right. Her eyes narrowed as she studied him intently.

"I don't follow…" She, again, replied slowly with more than a little trepidation lacing her words.

"I have placed you in a very difficult situation in regards to your relationship with Philip and for that, I am truly sorry." He confessed gravely.

"You don't like him."

"That's not it at all." Shane protested dismissively as he bolted from his seat and attempted to casually pace the room. The spy found it quite difficult to sit still while revealing such personal information about himself. That WAS it, but he wasn't going to let that be the focus of their conversation at the moment. Gazing at his watch, he marked the time and headed towards the tele.

"Really?" Kimberly's tone betrayed well-founded skepticism.

"Midnight is fast approaching." He remarked lightly as he flipped the switch to the BBC broadcast of festivities in London.

"So what is it then?" She quizzed.

Shane paused for a moment reflecting on something he told her once, which seemed quite laughable when viewed in this current light.

"What made you finally let go?" Kimberly asked earnestly for she really wanted to know. Any tips to be released from the chains of a broken heart would be such a relief to learn and employ.

"I realized that I had to accept what had happened and let you go completely..." He drew a hesitant breath before adding, "from my heart before I could open my heart to anyone else."

With his voice measured and oh so, rational, Shane pushed forward. "Otherwise," He scoffed veering dangerously too close to the pain. "Otherwise, I was never going to be happy," Shaking his head vehemently. "I was going to carry that pain around inside me somewhere for the rest of my life." ~ March 18, 1991.

It had been excellent advice and as Kim had noted at the time, mimicked Peachy perfectly. Only, his actions never quite matched his much ballyhooed proclamations. He had simply traded in her kisses for a safer but unfulfilling alternative.

"Life has a way of exposing many of our self-imposed delusions, doesn't it?" He finally replied philosophically out loud after several minutes of silence.

"I'm sorry, Shane. Am I missing something?" Kimberly's brow furrowed as she struggled to place the reference. She still felt pretty lethargic and foggy from the pneumonia and his riddles overwhelmed her at the moment. Snapping out of his private musings, Shane returned towards the couch and gazed down at her affectionately.

"The truth is Kimberly." He began in that confident, yet vulnerable voice that always lured her into his orbit. "I can't let go of the notion that if I had perhaps handled things between us differently," His voice was thick and husky much like that evening in D.C. over dinner. Shane's eyes fluttered above them as they scanned the contents of the Donovan Manor family room.

He instinctively leaned forward, reaching for her hand.

"We might be spending the holidays here, together…" His lips punctuated the word in such a way that left little doubt to its meaning.

Shane's eyes bore into hers.

Kimberly recoiled in disbelief and pulled back as though she had been slapped. It felt so foreign to witness this side of him again. She wasn't quite sure how to take it?

Or if she cared to hear it at this point?

"Why are you telling me this now?" Kimberly implored impatiently. "After all these years?" Her voice raised an octave and cracked from both the pneumonia and irritation of having this salient fact given to her at such a late date. Recognizing his folly, Shane slapped his hand against his leg in frustration. He replied quickly and forcefully.

"Because you deserve the truth even if it's too late to do anything about it!" He answered in aggravation aimed squarely at himself and not her. Lowering his voice to temper his simmering passion over the matter, Shane knelt down beside her on the couch and placed his hands gingerly upon Kim's shoulders for amplification.

"Look, my sole purpose in escorting you and the children back to LA is to help you until you are feeling better…"

"Philip will arrive soon enough." She reminded him gently.

Kim's walls remained firmly intacted.

" So until he returns, yes." He added waving his left hand for emphasis. "You can barely move without wincing in pain, Kimberly." He motioned towards her. "How do you expect to properly take care of Andrew and Jeannie in your current condition?"

"I've managed before…" She protested feebly.

His eyes flickered in recognition as to what that might allude to after spending the time with his children earlier. There were too many familial routines that Shane was simply not privy to. With a pained expression,

"Why must you keep fighting me?" He admonished her sternly before abruptly rising and retreating towards the bar in the far corner of the room. Placing his hands firmly on the edges of the granite counter, Shane inhaled deeply to regain his composure. Behind his firm demeanor belie an unspoken plea for her to stop punishing him for the past. Kimberly bit her lip in contrition. The room fell silent for a moment as the flood of arguments between them from the past few days reverberated around them. Shane ran his fingers through his hair in frustration hoping she'd reach for the olive branch he had just offered. The seconds painfully ticked away in stony silence until the sound of her tears broke through it.

"I'm sorry, Shane." Kimberly choked up with emotion. The man had just let his guard down for her, yet her trademark bullheadedness was about to ruin it all. She didn't have the strength to rush over to him, so Kimberly leaned forward against the back of the couch reaching out in his direction hoping he would turn around. "I,…,I…" She stumbled over her words that were filled with desperation. "I've not been myself lately." Kimberly managed to squeak out through her wall of stubbornness. Her plaintive plea softened Shane's heart and rescued the direction the conversation was taking them. It was the truest statement he had heard from her in the past few days.

But neither had he if the man was being honest with himself.

Shane turned his head to address her and when he saw the fragile woman, a wave of compassion swept through him.

"Is that really all there is?" Kimberly implored skeptically. Her voice betrayed signs of hope that she could trust Shane's motives.

"Yes, of course my dear Kimberly." He assured her affectionately. And slowly, Shane abandoned the safety that his perch by the bar offered. He carefully walked back towards the couch. Sighing aloud, "I would feel better if you allowed me to accompany you and the children home…" He reached for her arm to pat in order to punctuate his point as he passed by her, "Just so I could make sure you are set up and on the mend." Kimberly whirled around to observe him as Shane knelt by the fire to stoke it. In a dejected whisper he added, "Besides, I'd have more time with them…"

A startling revelation occurred to Kimberly for the first time since Andrew and Jeannie's custody had been shifted back her. This wasn't simply about his assessment of her abilities.

"It's becoming harder for you to say good-bye to them each time we're together, isn't it?" Kimberly observed compassionately.

Shane heaved a heavy sigh and nodded affirmatively.

"I have missed so much already, Kim." The wrought-iron stoker clanked against the hearth as Shane released it. Still crouched by the fire, he clasped his hands together as he balanced his weight on his heels. "And much of that is my own doing."

Remaining at her station at the end of the couch, she felt safe enough to take a tiny step.

"Oh Shane…" Kimberly cooed sympathetically and reached over to touch his left shoulder for support.

"I really don't deserve your sympathy…of all people." Shane smiled forlornly. "I have said and done some unbelievably cruel things to you purely out of spite." He confessed bitterly shaking his head to push back an indictment rendered by such an unlikely source.

"People say that I am hurting Kimberly." Lawrence noted as he hung menacingly by Shane's front door. The corner of his mouth turned upwards as the cunning man leveled the final blow to his adversary in the man's own home. "Well, I haven't hurt her half as much as you have." Alamaine revealed mocking Shane before he retreated towards the car to take Kimberly 'home.' ~ May 1991

The bloody bastard was right and Shane doubled down once he had viewed the surveillance tape of the two's candlelit interlude. The reminder still made his blood boil. As with Victor, Alamaine may have been the one to do the manipulating when it came to getting Kimberly to bed him, but he was the dumb prick who gave the man the means to do it!

"I can't change the past, Kimberly. But I can do right by you…our children…now." His voice dripped with sincerity.

The fire's embers erupted in an outburst of crackling claps as if it were an audience applauding such a memorable step between the two wayward souls.

"Shane…" Kimberly whined in placating fashion. "Truce?" She requested earnestly.

Shane arched his brow skeptically.

"I mean it this time." She assured him and tapped his shoulder playfully with the back of her left hand. Her head dropped towards her lap as Kimberly stared regretfully at intricate pattern on the area rug underneath their feet. With a sigh, she noted wistfully,

"I'll be happy to say good-bye to 1993."

"Well, you have about an hour left." He quipped light-heartedly grateful for a little reprieve from their turmoil. "Any resolutions for the New Year?"

Feeling as though the worst of the storm had passed between them, Shane returned to the couch and cautiously positioned his body towards Kimberly to engage in conversation. With her shoulders slumped forward as she exhaled due to the weight of their conversation, Kimberly's head still hung towards the rug.

"I can think of a good many," She sighed. "Oh, but I don't know…" Kimberly admitted as cough rippled through her body threatening to overtake it. Shane narrowed his eyes at her. There really was no getting away from their issues at the moment, so he trudged forward.

"I can think of one for both of us."

Kimberly lifted her head and turned to address him.

"What?"

"I resolve to cut your fiancé some much deserved slack, if you," He raised his finger as an amiable glint returned to his eyes, "My lady, will cut yourself some slack."

"Shane…" Kimberly replied with a mild scoff.

"I'm serious." He boasted light-heartedly before his tone grew dim. Locking eyes with hers to punctuate the point more effectively, "I give you permission." He explained soberly alluding to her unspoken respect to his opinion on all matters.

Kimberly smiled weakly but didn't actually respond.

"I know that you take issue with him, Shane." She noted softly. "But he really is good with the children."

The spy couldn't argue with her observation. Philip did treat them well. A little indulgent, but the behavior was nothing that he couldn't neutralize as long as he remained a strong influence in their lives. It was how the man treated Kimberly that bothered Shane the most.

"I see that." He nodded affirmatively to assuage her anxiety. Shane gazed into her solemn eyes. "But I simply want you to have everything your heart desires." He revealed in a voice so smooth that she could have melted right into his arms with little coaxing. The unspoken remainder of his sentence was written all over his contrite expression,

"Even if it isn't with me."

Kimberly dropped her head as a dry cough rippled through her. She could read him perfectly, just as he could her. So Kimberly brought her hand to her face as though blocking a coughing episode when instead, it was to conceal her true reaction to his heartfelt testimony.

"Don't judge him so harshly, Shane." She requested meekly. "It's really my fault, actually. I haven't handled things correctly with him."

Shane was flabbergasted by Kimberly's perception of the whole situation. Yet, this beautiful elusive creature looked at him incredulously as if he should understand completely. He gritted his teeth to keep from railing against her self-indictment. My God! What happened to cause this woman to have such little value of herself? What about Philip's role in whatever had transpired between them to bring about the current state of their relationship? Why was she so quick to write off Philip's behavior? A relationship usually required two people to succeed or mess things up…

Shane abruptly paused in his train of thought.

Then Kimberly revealed something that should have put his heart at ease,

"I'm afraid that I haven't been able to give him what he needs for quite some time now."

Instead it encapsulated what Kimberly had become to accept about herself: that her worth was closely tied to what she did or did not bring to the table sexually and thus if things went wrong, then surely it was of her own doing. Shane opened his mouth to speak but his own words from the past admonished him sharply before he could do so.

"Ah, dammit, Kim!" Shane cursed irritably as he scanned the crumpled note in his hand. "The audacity of this man. It's like he's rubbing my nose in it." The entire Salem PD was out trying to find Cal Winter's whereabouts and the SOB had showed up right at his front door with a bloody note! Searching a motive for involving Kayla, "It's like he has a personal vendetta against me or something?"

"Come on, Shane." Kimberly replied encouragingly as she shook her head negatively. "None of this is going to help Kayla." They needed to stay focus so that her sister would be brought back safely…and soon. Kimberly shuddered at the thought of what the psychotic man would do with her.

Instead Shane shot back cruelly,

"Yeah, well your sisterly concern is a bit after the fact, don't you think?"

Kimberly froze.

"I mean, if you hadn't gotten involved with that maniac in the first place, Kayla wouldn't be in danger now." He spewed viciously before brushing past her and leaving her alone to absorb the brunt of his disgust towards her. ~ October, 1991

Thus, Kimberly carried it forward to its implied meaning that she was also to blame for him resorting to using Kayla sexually to get back at her. Shane cringed at the realization in hindsight just as another memory whizzed by his psyche to weave all the pieces together. Kimberly had been so scared of what Shane's reaction would be to her engagement. Her need for his approval even after all they had been through was damning.

" You trust my judgment with men after Cal?" She exclaimed incredulously while laying in a hospital bed. ~ July 1992

Shane was still reeling from the sudden emergence of a fiancé in Kim's life to see the deeper message contained within the statement. Kimberly still held herself solely accountable for the malaise that occurred from the demented operative brought into their lives by Jericho—a man Shane trusted through his dealings with the ISA. So guilt-ridden and laced with regret, his first inclination was to assuage the critically injured woman's anxiety. The scarlet letter had faded over the years in Shane's eyes, but he still had no idea how deep the condemnation was embedded upon her breast… until now.

Kimberly pivoted her body closer towards the fire and away from him. Resting her chin on her left hand, she pulled her legs protectively towards her on the couch as she let the flicker of the flames carry her away from the enormity of the conversation. Shane attempted to reach for her hand that gripped the fabric of her jeans as though it were a security blanket, but Kimberly pulled away. Not before, she locked eyes with him and confessed,

"I'm afraid that I am not what any man needs." She added in a barely audible whisper that crushed Shane's heart.

There was his answer.

It wasn't a 'what' but a 'who' that triggered the breakdown in Kim's spirit, which ultimately led to their current predicament. He grappled with something to say that would erase such an erroneous assumption, but the words wouldn't come. His unrestrained anger and unresolved feelings towards how their marriage ended twisted into a systematic tearing down of Kim's self-worth throughout their tumultuous interactions of the succeeding year. Given her untreated abuse history and manipulation by Cal, then Lawrence, Shane could see how the seeds began to fall into place that grew into a woman who could easily become prey for the next predator to cross her path. And there was one defining characteristic all these men shared since Shane had entered her life: his job. A convicting silence permeated an otherwise cozy and inviting atmosphere.

Finally, after several minutes past and when she couldn't endure the feel of Shane's penetrating stare from behind any longer, Kimberly slowly turned to address him. The effects of their heavy discourse had clearly taken their toil on the sick woman as the flicker of the flames did little to brighten her pale complexion. Kim's hands fell dejectedly into her lap. It appeared to Shane that she was blinking away a few tears but the impish little shadows that the fire created seemed to help the poor woman conceal them.

Shane reached for her hand. For a few more painfully slow minutes, each one stared at them in silence—his fingers resting delicately on her soft, manicured ones. In the final minutes of this wretched year amidst the ramblings of a bumbling anchor broadcasting on the BBC against the backdrop of holiday merriment around a darkened family room in Donovan Manor, Shane's soulful eyes beckoned Kimberly to face him. When she had gathered the courage, he pressed her hand to his chest.

"Please, forgive me." His voice oozed with regret as it cracked with emotion.

A fresh wave of tears formed around the corners of her blue-green speckled eyes as her jaw dropped from the weight of his admission. She was stunned by such a naked confession from the normally stoic spy. With an acute sense of sound, Shane could hear the seconds tick away from the massive grandfather clock situated in the Donovan foyer in the distance. It seemed to match the hesitant beating of his repentant heart as he waited for some sort of reply from her. Kimberly lifted her eyes revealing a tear-stained cheek to which she slowly nodded, "Yes."

Both turned their head towards the TV screen and tried to focus on the anchor's New Year's pronouncements before the inevitable countdown. Neither had a clue as to what this meant, nor did they know what the next step in their relationship would look like. However, each secretly prayed that this coming year would offer them something the previous three had maliciously withheld from them: hope.

"Five, four, three, two, one…"