CHAPTER 15: Losing Control

SPENCER'S POV:

Once in my room, my mind shut down. The anxiety was killing me, and I felt overwhelmed and distraught.

What was going to happen?

What will mom do?

Will I be in trouble?

Not knowing the answers to these questions was driving me insane. I felt my knees buckle and I collapsed onto the floor in a puddle of my own demons. My fingers gripped at my hair, and my teeth chattered with fright. I so badly wanted to cut again, to feel the blood pour out of my arms as my troubles leave me, but I promised not to.

Oh come on, a little bit won't hurt you…

I shook my head violently. No, I couldn't do this to my friends, it hadn't even been a day yet. They don't deserve that. I have to give it a chance.

They'll understand, just a little cut or two, that's all…

"No, no, no, no, no…" I chanted under my breath. My mind was getting the better of me, and I felt myself drawn to the piece of glass sitting on my bathroom floor.

Moments later I had it in my hand. How, I am quite unsure.

See, everything's fine, just a few and you'll be good for the week.

I knew it wasn't true, but my shaking hands were no match for the urges inside me. I started to pull my sleeves down before I realized what I was really doing.

"Stop!" I whispered harshly to myself. I dropped the piece of glass and rolled my sleeve back down.

I tried to crawl away from the bathroom, but my knees were almost rooted in the tile. The fluorescent lighting shone on the clear surface of the material, doing nothing but cause me more grief and lust.

If I do it….where won't I get caught?

I cursed myself for thinking this, but I couldn't live with the anxiety anymore. My hands were sweaty, and I was already drifting off due to a shortage of breath.

Do it where you did before, right underneath your hip bone…no one will know..

I gulped and nodded to myself. I reached forward, grabbed the glass, and gently pulled my pajama pants down so that my thighs were showing. The cuts that were previously there were fading, and all of them had either scarred, or scabbed over. Bringing the glass to my leg, I placed it over one of the scars.

What are you waiting for?

My sweaty palms shaking, I applied pressure to the skin. A small bead of red slid out from underneath the edge of the glass shard and I knew that I had gone deep enough to draw blood. From there, my hands moved on their own, gliding back and forth until my heartbeat slowed, and my mind calmed down. Sighing, I glanced down at the damage I had done. It wasn't as bad as I'd done in the past, but it definitely wasn't just a few cuts either.

I moaned as I got to my feet. I grabbed the towel hanging next to my sink and ran it under my faucet. I was about to rinse my thigh off when I glanced in the mirror.

My hair was matted, and tangled from lack of showering or any remote form of care. My eyes were dark, and circles resided under them. Red, angry cuts laced my arms and streams of red poured out from my upper legs. I was a mess.

Sighing, I leaned over and dabbed the new cuts with the wet towel. Once the bleeding finally stopped, I slid my pants back on, and wiped up the floors. After everything was cleaned up, I tossed the towel into the laundry with some other clothes that needed washing and started the washing machine.

Now that I was calm, the after-effects of my anxiety kicked in. My legs and arms felt like molasses, and I longed to curl up in bed and sleep for years. Getting so worked up had drained me of any energy I had, and I struggled to keep my eyes open.

Beep! Beep!

I turned drowsily as I heard my phone go off. Yawning, I walked over to where Melissa had set it after she so nicely brought it upstairs for me.

You have 1 new message.

I groaned, thinking it was A again, but continued to open the phone anyways.

Hey Spence! I just wanted to check in on you, make sure you're doing okay. I have a few chores to get done, and I'll probably go to bed early. However, please call me if you need anything. I'm planning on coming over to see you again tomorrow, and I was wondering if you wanted to go shopping for Hanna and Aria with me? We still have a few weeks before Christmas, but I wanted to get it done. Text me back when you can. Love you!

-Emily

I gulped nervously, the guilt piling up in my chest. I felt bad that I hadn't called her when I was struggling, I should have.

Sighing with remorse, I texted her back.

Of course I'll go shopping with you. It will be a nice way to get out of the house. Goodnight Emily, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Love you too.

-Spencer

I set my phone on the table next to my bed and was about to go to sleep when I heard my door open.

"I know you probably want to sleep….but….can I talk to you?"

I turned, and looked into the face of my mother.

EMILY'S POV:

I smiled as I read Spencer's text. I was so glad she wanted to go shopping with me. I understand Aria and Hanna want to spend time with Spencer and help her, but I secretly was looking forward to having some time with just her.

My chores finished, I leaned back on my bed and closed my eyes, thinking about tomorrow. I felt a smile creep back onto my face, and I sighed. I don't know why I was so excited about it, but I couldn't think about anything else.

Maybe I'm having feelings for her…

My eyes snapped open. I couldn't believe what I was thinking. Did I really have a crush on my best friend? I shook my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts echoing through my brain, but it was impossible.

What about Paige?!

My mind internally screamed at me. I had a girlfriend, a very good girlfriend who I loved very much. Or so I had thought.

Okay...even if I did have a crush on her, there's no way she'd ever like me the same way. She's with Toby…or was…I don't really know. Either way, she's straight, I don't stand a chance.

My happiness fell a little bit at that thought. However, I knew it was true. Spencer would never feel the same way about me as I do about her. Besides, I had Paige, who had shown me nothing but kindness. Well, apart from her almost drowning me. I loved Paige, and she loved me. It wasn't right.

I rolled over to my side and looked over at my nightstand. A framed picture of the four of us was sitting right in front of me. Aria was laughing, Hanna was making a goofy face. But Spencer, she was smiling, and she looked so happy. She looked happier than I'd seen her in a long time, and I longed for her to one day be as happy as she was then.

I sighed. The best thing I could do for Spencer and Paige was ignore my feelings, and be there for Spencer as just a friend. The last thing she needed right now is for her best friend to suddenly confess hidden feelings. Especially if I was already in a relationship, and she just ended one. Or so Aria told me.

Groaning, I rubbed my temple. All this thinking was starting to stress me out. Besides, why think about it? It's not like she'll ever love me anyways…

SPENCER'S POV:

"Of course." I replied. She glanced at the ground and pulled my desk chair up so that it was facing my bed.

"Look, Melissa informed me of everything that's been going on. I…I understand that you…you weren't thinking straight…" She started, struggling to find the right thing to say.

"To cut to the chase…your father and I love you very much, and I know we aren't physically here very often, but we really are here for you. I wish I would have known you were struggling so much, I could have helped you, I could have done something." She sighed.

"Done something like, send me to therapy?" I moaned. "Mom….I understand that may be necessary, but it didn't help before, that's why we quit."

She nodded. "I understand. I don't...I don't know how to help you, and I wish I did, but I don't think therapy is going to do any good. Maybe, maybe spending a few days in a place specialized with helping people like you would do you good." She suggested.

"No! You can't send me away, that would just make things worse." I cried.

My mom sighed. "Then what should we do? Spencer, we can't just ignore the situation. I want to help you get better, I love you." Tears welled in her eyes, and I couldn't help but inwardly cringe. I loved her, but why did everyone who talked to me start crying? Where people that sensitive?

"I think…I think that with the help of my friends, and with your support…I'll be able to…get better." I thought through my words carefully. "I know it doesn't sound very concrete, but…I think that that will be best.." I explained.

My mom nodded slowly. "Alright…I understand that. However, what happens if that doesn't work and you go back to…you know.."

I nodded. "Then I'll leave the decision up to you." I replied solemnly.

"Okay." She got up and was about to leave, when she turned back around. "I-I love you Spencer. Please...next time you're hurting...talk to me okay? I can't do much, but I love you so, so much, and I don't want to see you struggling."

"I understand." I smiled sadly, and she walked out of the room. Once she was gone, I let out the breath I didn't realize I had been holding. Well that was easier than I thought it would be. Groaning with weariness, I laid back on my bed and rolled over to my side. Closing my eyes, I curled up and fell asleep.