CHAPTER 32: Is This Happiness?

SPENCER'S POV:

When I woke up it was light outside. I glanced over at the woman sleeping next to me, and my mind flashed to the night before. I smiled, and turned over so I was facing her. She was still asleep, and I twirled her hair gently. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping, like an angel.

"Spence?" She stirred, and opened her eyes drowsily.

"Did I wake you?" I worried.

"No not at all." She smiled at me, and watched as I continued playing with her long, dark hair.

"Do you want to make breakfast?" She asked.

"Nah, I'm content staying right here." I smiled, and pecked my girlfriend on the cheek.

"Specnerrrrrr, come on. I'm hungry." Emily groaned, pulling out of the bed.

"Fine…" I grunted, getting up. I slipped my pajamas back on, and we walked downstairs. The snow was crisp and clean, but still very deep. The sky was bright, and I smiled at the sight before me. My throat still was a bit sore, but I felt a lot better than I did the other day.

I followed Emily into the kitchen, and she got some coffee ready. I walked up and hugged her from behind, burying my nose in her hair.

"Spencer…what are you doing?" She asked, blushing.

I giggled, happy to be with the person I loved.

"Just hanging on to my angel." I replied.

"Spencer, you are too sweet." She laughed, turning around to kiss me.

I placed my finger on her lips, stopping her. Her face fell a little bit at the refusal.

"Coffee first hon." I reminded her.

She rolled her eyes. "You live on the stuff don't you?" She joked.

"Until death shall we part." I grinned. Emily's face fell a little at the mention of the dark subject, but she seemed to ignore it.

We sat at the table later, drinking coffee and munching on the fruit Emily had cut up. I would have helped, but she still didn't trust me around the sharp objects, and I didn't blame her. It was almost still hard to look at them without thinking about it.

"Is your mom coming back today?" I asked, curious.

Emily shook her head.

"She'll be back tomorrow." She replied. "So we still have the day to hang out." She grinned.

"I wonder what we could possibly do in the spare time." I thought aloud, thinking of any games or puzzles we could do. I got up and put my plate in the sink to wash later when I felt two arms grab my waist.

"Emily…" I sighed, unable to resist the brunette.

I turned around and felt her lips crash against mine once more. Clearly Emily had something else in mind besides puzzles.

I grabbed her waist and kissed her back passionately. Despite all that had gone down, I would never grow tired of the feeling I got when we kissed.

Emily's hand started to crawl up my shirt when suddenly the front door burst open.

"I TOLD YOU SO ARIA!"

Hanna's voice echoed through the house. I immediately jumped away from Emily, my face bright red. Aria walked in, carrying a bag of who knows what.

"W-what…" Emily was at a loss for words.

"Sorry, Hanna insisted that we come over and check on you two." Aria was obviously almost as embarrassed as we were.

"Aria thought you'd get bored…but I knew differently." Hanna smirked.

I looked at the ground and fumbled with my hands.

"H-how did you get here?" Emily asked. "The roads are blocked."

"Nah, we were able to drive in it for the most part. We passed your car Spence, how did you get here?" Hanna asked.

"I ran." I mumbled, starting to feel sick again. It was so weird, as if it came in waves. Maybe all the shock and surprise had drained me.

"Really? In the cold? Spencer!" Aria scolded. I shied away, still embarrassed about earlier.

Emily sighed, obviously irritated that they had burst into her house without warning.

"So who wants to play battleship?" Hanna had pulled the game out of Aria's bag and was holding it up, trying to attempt to divert the situation.

"We can play two on two?" She suggested.

Emily laughed, and I smiled. Aria sighed with relief, she obviously was worried that Emily was going to be mad at them.

"Thanks guys." Emily smiled. "Although this was…unexpected to say the least, I appreciate you for thinking of us." She smiled.

Hanna set the board game on the coffee table and walked over to Aria. She whispered something in her ear, causing Aria to look at us and laugh.

"Hanna…" Emily groaned. "I don't know what you're saying but I swear…"

"It's nothing, I promise." Aria smiled, trying to hold it together.

"Aria, come on. If it's about us we deserve to know." I scoffed. I don't know what I said, but it only caused the two of them to burst out laughing again.

"It's really nothing." Aria responded after she calmed down. "We just thought it was cute that you guys kept referring to yourselves as 'we'. It's such a cute couple thing." Aria grinned.

I felt myself blush, and Emily started laughing a little.

"You guys are so ridiculous." She chuckled. We sat down at the table to play Battleship. Hanna and Aria insisted that Emily and I should be a team, and so we were sitting next to each other.

"Here Spencer, you align everything." Emily handed the plastic pieces to me and I rolled my eyes.

"Fine." I placed the pieces down to the best of my ability. I have to admit, my strategy in this game was pretty high tech, even if I wasn't super interested in actually playing the game.

"Emily, that's not fair. You can't let Spencer place everything, or we don't stand a chance at this!" Hanna groaned. "Aria, tell them!"

"Hanna, just put the stupid pieces on the board before I kick you off my team." Aria joked. Hanna mocked hurt, but laughed as she placed her ships down.

We played for about half an hour, Emily and I being victorious. Hanna was a pretty sore loser, but otherwise everything went well.

As soon as the game was over I grabbed my phone to call my mom.

"Honey? Are you okay?" She sounded worried beyond compare. I immediately felt guilty for running off, but I knew that if I had stayed there it might have been even worse.

"Yeah I'm fine Mom. I've been hanging out with Emily, and Aria and Hanna came over today." I explained.

"I'm glad. I know the snow is still pretty bad at the moment, but maybe tomorrow you could try coming back? Your father is still pretty upset, but he calmed down and even apologized to your sister and I. I know it will be hard but-"

"That's fine mom. I'll see you tomorrow." I cut her off. She had started rambling about things I didn't want to get into.

"Okay. I love you. See you soon." She hung up, and I sighed, immediately worried about returning home. I was up in Emily's room, the rest of them were waiting for me downstairs, but I couldn't make my way downstairs in the panic that I was. Instead, I set my phone down and sat on the floor, trying to keep it together. I didn't want to anxiety about what would happen to take over again, but it was threatening.

I groaned and curled into a ball, trying to avoid thinking about anything, but it was hard. I just wanted, no, needed to feel something besides this heart racing fear. My hands gripped my arms tightly, and I dug my nails into my arms subconsciously.

What's going to happen?

What's he going to do?

What if he tries to kick me out again?

Where will I go?

My breath came in short and raspy gulps. I could feel myself shaking, and growing weak. I didn't want to be this way, and I felt tears well in my eyes. I was so weak. I was such an idiot for thinking I could handle this.

What happened?

What happened to the Spencer I was before, strong, intelligent, and not afraid of anything?

I ran my hands through my hair.

I'm so broken…

I lifted my head and took a necessary breath of air. My lungs were burning from the rapid breathing, but I couldn't do anything about it. I leaned back on the wall next to Emily's bed, and waited for the pain to fade.

EMILY'S POV:

I smiled, and laughed a little at something Hanna had said. However, my mind was wandering, and I couldn't help but feel distracted.

"Do you think Spencer's okay? She's been up there a long time." I asked, not really paying attention to whatever they were already discussing.

"I'm sure she's fine Em. She's probably just having a heart-to-heart conversation with her mom." Hanna assumed.

"I don't know. I think I'm going to go check on her." I decided, standing up.

"If you wish Em." Aria sighed, and smirked at Hanna. I didn't know what they were thinking about, but I didn't care. I just wanted to make sure everything's okay.

I walked up the steps and peeked in the room. My heart did a double take when I saw Spencer's phone on the floor, but not her.

However, when I opened the door fully, I noticed her sitting by my bed.

"Spence?" I asked, curious as to what she was doing. I walked over to her and sat down. She was breathing very heavily, and shaking. I knew she was probably just worrying about something, but I didn't want her to overreact and do something bad.

"Shhh, it's okay." I rubbed her back gently, attempting to soothe the brunette. She curled up into my side, and let out a small whimper.

"Shh…." I repeated, letting her know that everything was going to be alright. After about ten minutes, she finally calmed down enough to look up at me.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess Em." She sniffed. I ruffled her hair gently.

"No, you're not a mess. I understand, you're worried about something." I replied, smiling softly.

"I'm just….I don't know what I'm going to do…" She muttered. I wished she would tell me more, so I could help her, but she was still having a hard time letting go of her emotions, and I was proud of what she had already accomplished.

"With your dad?" I asked. She nodded slowly.

"My mom wants me to go back tomorrow." She mumbled, fumbling with her hands.

"I can go with you if you want." I suggested. I didn't know what to say to help her, but I knew my presence might just be help enough.

Spencer seemed to think about it for a moment or two.

"I'd like that…" She responded eventually. "If you're okay with it of course." She added quickly.

"Spencer, I'd love to come help. I know it's going to be scary. You shouldn't have to be alone." I smiled.

She sighed, and snuggled against my arm.

"Thank you Emily." She grinned. "I love you so much."

I felt my heart warm up, even though it wasn't the first time she'd said that to me. I guess I would just never get used to hearing it.

"I love you too." I giggled, and pecked her on the lips.

I was going to go in for another kiss when I heard shuffling outside the door.

"HANNA MARIN." I snapped, just knowing it was her that was probably spying on us.

Hanna sheepishly poked the door open, and was followed by Aria.

"Come on, you two are just too cute! You can't expect us not to listen in!" She pouted.

"Hanna's right. Besides, we're team Spemily's biggest fans!" She laughed, and then her hand flew up to her mouth.

"What did you say?" I snapped.

"Aria, you weren't supposed to tell her that…" Hanna "whispered" to her. I rolled my eyes.

"Seriously Hanna? Aria?" Spencer groaned, and buried her face in my arm.

I wrapped my arm around her and waved at the two fangirls across the room.

"Come on. Space." I demanded. Hanna sighed.

"Are we going to get excluded from you two now that you're all…this." She gestured to the two of us.

"No Hanna, that's not what she meant. It was rude of us to spy on them. Let's go downstairs. You'll be down soon right?" Aria turned and glanced at me.

"Of course." I smiled politely, and the two girls walked back downstairs.

"God I love them, but they can be such…kids sometimes." Spencer muttered. I laughed.

"So do you want to head downstairs?" I asked her. She sighed.

"Can we sit here for a minute longer?" She asked, squeezing my arm gently.

"Of course." I replied, happy to spend time with the woman that I loved.

SPENCER'S POV:

I yawned as the day went on. We played a few more games before Hanna and Aria had to return home. Despite having a moment of anxiety earlier in the day, everything was going well.

Emily and I went to bed early that night. I was still sort of sick, and it brought nothing but weariness to my already achy body.

I was sitting in bed, gently tracing my scars when Emily slid into the bed next to me.

Feeling self-conscious, I pulled the covers up so they covered everything.

"Spencer, what are you doing? Are you cold?" Emily asked, worried that I was getting sick again.

"No I'm fine." I replied, and turned over so she wouldn't see the guilt on my face.

"Spence..." Emily ran her hand across my shoulder, and I turned back over to face her. She grabbed the covers and pulled them down so my scars were visible. Some weren't scars yet, and still healing, but others were fading.

"What's wrong?" She asked, knowing it was the scars I was having issues with.

"Temptations?" She wondered.

I sighed. "No, just remorse. I'm not ashamed of the scars, but I when I look at them all I can remember is how much I hurt you, and the others." I admitted.

Emily ran a hand down my arm, tracing over the marks.

"Don't think about it." She smiled. "I love you, Aria and Hanna love you, and we all forgive you. Even though you hurt us, it was an accident. We all know that. Besides, you were hurting more than us."

I nodded, understanding what she meant. I glanced back down at them again.

"They make me ugly don't they." I scowled, thinking back to what the clerk had said to me a while ago. I know I had brushed it off, but I couldn't help but wonder if she was right.

"Spencer! Don't say that!" Emily scolded me. "They do not make you ugly, they show that you're strong. That you had the chance to end everything, but you didn't. That you went through some hard times, and made it out alive. They aren't beautiful, they're still pain that you brought upon yourself, which is sad. But they don't make you ugly." She reassured me. I blushed at her compliments.

"Thanks Emily." I sighed.

"Besides Spence, I think you're gorgeous. And that's all that matters." She joked. I laughed, but there was still truth to that statement.

"I love you." I replied, happy to be with her at the moment.

"I love you too." She smiled, and I closed my eyes.

Is this what happiness feels like?