Hermione remembered the look on Harry's face when he said those words that had killed her for three hundred and sixty five days.
She sobbed out loud, the tears pouring uncontrollably. She gasped and heaved for air, feeling like something was pressing down on her chest. She wasn't thinking straight - no, she wasn't thinking at all. Her hands searched for an extra dose of Sleeping Draft, for just a sip, but all she came across were empty bottles, and she was forced to hear the screams, see the blood, and hear those five words over and over and over again.
"The Death Eaters took Ron."
She wasn't in control of her body, it seemed. The Sleeping Draft had that effect on people after too much consumption. She walked helplessly towards the edge of the tower, unknowingly stepping closer and closer to the gap in the railing, and closer and closer to a deathly fall.
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Draco looked down on the scene in front of him. A young woman was gazing off into the distance on the Astronomy Tower, her brown hair littered with snowflakes.
Draco tried to reach out to her, to yell, but she didn't notice him. It was like he wasn't even there, like he was just looking down from above.
Lilac stood silently, but didn't notice the figure standing behind her. It was a dark, hooded man, but Draco knew exactly who it was. This man had branded himself into Draco's nightmares.
He tried to warn her, to tell her to watch out. Voldemort walked out slowly towards her. Just as he was within arms' reach, Lilac spun around and Draco saw her face. It was still sprayed with freckles, and her lips were still small and pink. Her once sparking, vibrant blue eyes, however, were a dark, menacing, endless black.
"YOU!" She shrieked, staring straight up at Draco. Her unnatural black eyes tore his soul apart. "You left me! You let them take me, you useless, horrible prat! How dare you?! I trusted you! You're just as bad as them - just as bad as all of them!"
Draco felt the hot tears pour down his cheeks. That was exactly what he had always feared she'd say.
"I hate you! I'm dying, and it's all your fault! I hate you, Draco Malfoy!"
Every word was like a dagger to Draco. He watched Voldemort raise a hand towards her, and he tried to warn her, but no matter how desperate his attempts were, no words came out.
"This is all your fault!" She was still shrieking.
With a flash of green light and a loud enchantment, he watched Lilac's eyes return to their normal shade of blue, but these were worse, far worse, than the black ones, because these were lifeless. Lifeless and empty. He helplessly watched her fall backwards off of the Astronomy Tower, her anger and fear still written all over her face.
Draco's body jerked up. He was soaked in sweat and tears, and he was panting. He repeated to himself that it was a nightmare, just a nightmare, but even though he was still leaning against the wall with the pictures from the Yule Ball, and even though he knew it was impossible, it felt so real, and he had to go see the Astronomy Tower - just to make sure.
He staggered up and started running through the halls. He was still half asleep, and only fully awoken when he was steps away from the Astronomy Tower. He stepped in, and gasped in shock and fear when he saw the back of a curly, bushy, brown haired girl take a final step towards the end of the Astronomy Tower, where she fell.
Lilac.
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Hermione felt the wind brush against her. She didn't know where she was, or who she was, or what she was doing. She felt like she was walking on eggshells, somewhere between dreams and reality, somewhere between relaxation and petrification.
Her mind crashed back into place as she felt a harsh tug on her forearm. She was jerked up, and her head hit a somewhat soft landing while her torso slammed against the floor. She felt herself being dragged up, and large hands holding on tight, refusing to let go. Her vision was still blurry and her mind was foggy, so as much as she wanted to burst into tears as her mind processed how close she had come to falling to her death, and as much as she wanted to curl up into the warm body that had wrapped itself around her, and as much as she wanted to scream when she recognized the platinum blonde hair that she knew could only belong to one person, the toxins in her body took over and she fell into what seemed to be a deep, deep slumber.
It wasn't exactly sleep. It was more along the lines of pretending that you were sleeping and ignoring everything around you, using the blur from Sleeping Drafts to block out the terrifying memories that tried to prick themselves into your head. This was the closest thing that she had had to sleep in a year, and Hermione was perfectly content with it.
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Draco, on the other hand, didn't sleep for a second - he didn't even close his eyes, for fear of seeing those soulless black eyes again, or worse, the bright blue lifeless ones.
When he had first rescued the victim, he held her in his lap, covering her with his body, protecting her from anything and everything. When he had looked down hear her face, however, his hope fizzled out like a soaked candle. He had been tricked the same way he had been a year ago ; Lilac Hansel and Hermione Granger looked like twins from the back.
Draco didn't hide his disappointment, and he didn't really have to worry about it, because Hermione kept her eyes closed. At first, he had thought she was sleeping, but once he looked - really looked - at her face, he found that to be untrue. She still had worry lines creased along her forehead, she was biting the inside of her cheek and she was shivering. Draco considered just setting her down on the floor and leaving, but he knew that it was a bad idea. He saw empty vials scattered across the floor. Had Granger been drinking? He reached over for the nearest one and sniffed it. A year ago, he was near the top of his Potions class and could have identified the vial's contents in seconds, but it had been weeks since he had touched even Firewhiskey, so it really could be anything. Anyways, he couldn't leave Granger - she might try and walk off the bloody Tower again. What was she doing, anyways? Was Granger suicidal?
This thought scared Draco, mainly because it opened his eyes to the fact that, while he had been in his own little bubble for a year, other people had been dealing with the situation, too. Weren't Granger and Weasel-Be a thing right before the attack? What about Potter - they had been best friends. The blood in Draco's veins went cold as he thought about Harry Potter. He was Granger's best friend, he should be holding her, he should have saved her life, not Draco! What if Draco hadn't been there ? Potter would have absolutely no one.
This brought back the subject of Granger's mental stability. Granger was so complex, and she had that selfless hero trait Draco despised. She wouldn't do this to Potter. Then again, did Draco really know Granger well enough to know what she would or wouldn't do? Sure, besides throwing insults at each other, they had never really talked, but it was impossible to go to school with someone for four years without figuring this kind of thing out. Draco had figured that Granger and Potter would have thought of some heroic plan to save Weasel-Be and Lilac long ago.
He thought back to the few times that he had seen Potter. Usually, it was the Weaslette - what was her name? - that was dragging a messy, dirty, exhausted Potter around the castle, usually with food in her hand, trying to get him to eat something.
Draco looked down at the figure in his arms. He couldn't remember seeing Granger, not once since the Yule Ball. Is this was she had been up to? Drinking and sleeping? Draco shook the thought from the brain - judging by her facial appearance, Granger had gotten less sleep than even Draco. There were navy-black bruises under her sunken eyes, and her hair was full of tangled static. She was thin and cold, and Draco could see all of the bones sticking out of her little hands.
He stared down at her, half wishing that she would get out of the sleep daze that she was in, but also hoping that she wouldn't. Watching over her was keeping him awake, and it was nice to have some company (besides the occasional Lovegood) for once.
By the time Granger actually started stirring, Draco felt awkward, almost out of place. What would Granger say when she found out that he had been holding her for hours?
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Hermione stayed wrapped up in comfort for much longer than she should have, or that she had intended to. Her eyes fluttered open, and when she realized where she was, she brought her knees up to her chest and tensed up. She stumbled out of Malfoy's arms, with a face that read confusion, fear, and guilt all in sad eyes, worry lines and a small frown.
"W-what are you doing here?" She shivered. She looked around, and spotting all of the glass vials, she tried to discreetly push them to the side with her bare foot.
"Don't do that," Ordered Malfoy, ignoring her first question. "That glass is broken; it'll cut your foot."
Hermione looked down, almost ashamed that she was getting told what to do by Draco Malfoy.
"What are you doing here?" She asked again, trying to fix her posture and stand up taller. She was too weak to intimidate even a child, and her voice was shaking so much her speech was almost incoherent.
"If you must know," It was Malfoy's turn to try and sound intimidating as he adopted a threatening tone. "I was just saving your life, no big deal, right?"
Hermione's blood ran cold. She had hoped, so desperately hoped that it had all been a nightmare, that she had never gotten up, that she had never seen Malfoy, that she had never almost committed unintended suicide. If what Malfoy was saying was true, she literally owed her life to him.
"Are you serious, Granger?!" Malfoy exclaimed, his anger boiling up. He motioned to the vials surrounding them. "You've been drinking, haven't you?! Lilac and Weasel-Be are probably dead and -"
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The second it came out of his mouth, Draco sealed it shut. Granger fell to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. He had taken out his anger, his longing for Lilac and his desperate state out on her, and the touchy subject of the possible death of Lilac and Weasel-Be was not one he had the permission to bring up.
"I've been so useless, just sitting here sulking, while I could've been rescuing them -" She cried out.
Draco waited her to stop, but ten minutes later, she was still crying harder than ever.
"Granger..." He grunted.
"I'm sorry, okay?!" She wailed. "I'm sorry I haven't saved them, I'm sorry we even went to the Yule Ball in the first place, I'm sorry I didn't figure it out..."
She slammed her fists on the ground in frustration, almost like a child having a temper tantrum. She was absolutely distraught.
Draco wasn't too sure what to say, but he wanted her crying to stop. He wanted her hysterical sobs to stop. He wanted this distraught state that they were both trapped in to just stop.
"Please don't tell," She sobbed, looking up at Draco, into his eyes for the first time that day. "I - I never wanted to die, I don't know what happened, it wasn't intentional. I think I overdosed on Sleeping Drafts..." She rambled on and on, sure that it was useless, that Draco would make sure that the entire school knew by the start of term, when vacation was over.
However, Draco hadn't even considered telling anyone, because Granger was acting as hysterical as Draco felt. Maybe, just maybe, they were on the same page, in the same boat; they just wanted the two people they loved most back.
"I won't tell," He finally assured her. "Let's clean this up before Filch comes down."
Actually getting up was the last thing Granger seemed to want to do, but she was just grateful that there was a change in subject.
After only a few seconds of this, Draco felt Granger's body slump next to him. He caught her before she fell onto the shards below. His arm automatically wrapped around her waist, and he gulped when he realized how tiny and thin it was, and how he could feel every bone.
"Granger, when was the last time you ate?"
Granger's body tensed up in seconds and Draco felt her body shake with sobs again.
"Uh, you know what, I'm going to call the House Elves, alright?"
Granger mumbled something, but she was too exhausted to protest any further.
Draco, trying to get out of the habit of picking her up, tried to tug her gently towards the hall, but it was a lost cause and he was forced to just scoop her up.
Granger looked like she was in another world. Her eyelids fluttered open and she looked up at Draco.
"Y-you don't have to do this." She stuttered, trying to struggle out of his grasp.. "Put me - put me down."
"Yes, I do." He said sternly. "And it would be a lot easier if you stopped moving."
Draco took a deep breath and started walking down the halls. He had to bring Granger someplace safe, somewhere where she could rest and get her energy back.
Somewhere with no hundred-foot-ledges off which she could fall.
He must have walked back and forth in the same halls forever. He couldn't go to the common-rooms or any classroom. He needed somewhere to take her where she could rest peacefully, without being disturbed.
He heard something behind him and almost dropped Granger. If anyone saw them like this, Draco Malfoy carrying Granger bridal-style throughout the castle, they would get the wrong idea.
Then again, he wasn't sure what the right idea was.
He spun around and realized that no one was there - but the wall was changing. He stepped in front of it, and several detailed black swirls were appearing on the wall, the outline of a door carving itself into the bricks.
Draco stood wide-eyed as the Room of Requirement appeared in front of him.
Draco leaned forward and pushed open the large door that would lead him into the room. He gasped. Cupboards lined all of the walls and there was a large refrigerator behind a kitchen island (it was empty - he would have to bring his own food). There were two doors on each side of the room that had to lead to bathrooms. There were two large couches and a king sized bed in the centre. Enchanted windows on the walls showcased the beautiful December snow and a fireplace was in the middle of the far wall. There was a huge black bookshelf, holding hundreds, maybe thousands of books.
There were two framed pictures above the fireplace. One of them held a picture of the Golden Trio in the winter of their third year. Granger stood between the two boys, who were messing with each other's hair behind her back. She turned around and said some snarky remark, but she still had a huge smile on her face, a smile that made her brown eyes twinkle.
It was a smile that Draco had never seen in person.
The three glanced at the camera and smiled. Potter messed with Weasel-Be's hair again and then the ginger pulled Granger into a hug. Potter then wrapped his arms around both of them so their faces were pressed together, and they smiled in a big group hug while Granger laughed.
The second one made Draco's stomach lurch and pained his heart. It was summertime, with a hot sun and beautiful green grass. A young boy, no more than seven, was chasing a little girl the same age around in a game of tag. He caught up to her and tugged on her sleeve. She turned around and laughed, and then their heads turned towards the camera at the same time, as if someone had called them from behind it. Lilac's blue eyes and Draco's grey ones smiled and waved to the camera, and then Lilac lifted two fingers behind Draco's head.
Trying to ignore the lump in his throat, Draco put Granger on the bed. She was still in that dazed trance, not quite asleep and not quite awake. Still too petrified to go to sleep, he sat on one of the couches, staring at the snowflakes falling outside the window.
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Hermione was incredibly still, barely breathing on the bed. She had to admit that it was comfortable. However, the nothingness of her closed eyes unsettled her to the point where she desperately wanted to open them, so she let her eyelids flutter. She spotted Malfoy sitting on the couch, his elbow on the armrest and his face in his hand. He stared out the enchanted window, deep in thought.
Hermione sat up, but Malfoy didn't seem to notice. She glanced around the room, taking in her surroundings, when her eyes landed on the pictures above the fireplace.
Her heart lurched at the sight of her two best friends messing around with her. The two best friends that she abandoned because she was too busy sulking.
Her eyes moved to the two children in the next picture. She studied Draco's great smile, his innocent eyes, the eyes that would never hurt anyone, or call anyone a Mudblood...
So what had happened?
"Granger..." Sounded a voice behind her. Malfoy stood beside her, eyes fixated on the framed photographs. "I know I don't deserve it, okay? I know that you're probably not crazy about Lilac, but she was just jealous, alright? She needs you. She really needs you. Look, you know me, Granger. I wouldn't even be talking to you if we weren't absolutely desperate. That's right, Granger, we, because we're in this together, because Weasel - because Weasley needs you just as much as Lilac needs me. Come on, Granger, it's not too late, it can't be too late, we've got to be able to do this..."
Hermione bit her lip. Malfoy paused between his sentences, and she knew that if he wasn't rattled and sleep deprived, he would never stoop as low as to ask for help from someone like her. She kept her eyes on the pictures.
"Please, Granger. Lilac, Weasley, they need you. Please."
As much as she hated to admit it, Malfoy was right.
Again.
Hermione stayed on the bed. She had ruined her own life; she hadn't talked to anyone in weeks and had barely passed her Fourth Year, and was definitely failing her Fifth. She had gone from being the Brightest Witch of Her Age to getting some of the lowest grades Hogwarts had seen in years. She felt her heart wrench. She thought of all the things that she could have accomplished but never would because of her self pity.
She rolled over and sat up. She didn't know how long she had been sitting on the edge of her bed, deep in thought, but Malfoy was gone. Hopefully, she would never encounter him again and wouldn't have to worry about word of her attempted suicide getting out.
There was a peculiar sound behind her and she quickly stepped out of bed, but she hadn't gotten up that quickly for days and she almost fell over. She stuck her hand in her pocket, but her wand was not there.
By the time she looked back up, she identified Malfoy holding dozens of huge styrofoam to-go boxes, and levitating even more.
"I asked them for breakfast, and those little House-Elves basically gave me half the kitchen." He said, rolling his eyes.
"The kitchen? You were in the kitchen? How ever did you -"
"Let's just say I've got connections, alright?" Malfoy approached and dropped the boxes onto the table. It was obvious that he had dropped out of his desperate state. "Come on. Breakfast time."
He pulled out a box labeled Breakfast and pulled out some fruit, some bread and some jams.
"I, uh, I don't know what you like, so you can come make it."
Hermione stood up and approached the table, hungrily reaching for an apple.
Hermione scooped up a small handful of fresh strawberries and Malfoy took a bite out of a Granny Smith apple. The pair sat quietly.
"Malfoy, where's my wand?" She said, hoping it would erase the awkward tension. She suddenly felt uncomfortable - she was alone in a room with Draco Malfoy with no way to defend herself.
"Why so harsh, Granger?" He said coolly. "It's on the coffee table next to the couch. It was on the ground of the Astronomy Tower. You must have dropped it before you jum-"
"Okay." She interrupted, not wanting to hear Malfoy's point of view on that horrific night. She walked over and grabbed her wand, feeling the magic flowing through her veins. Her eyes fell on her reflection in the coffee table glass and she almost gasped out loud. She looked horrid; her hair was bunched up in odd places, her skin was red and blotchy, and her eyes had dark, almost black circles under them. Her cheeks were sunken in and her lips were thin. Hermione started walking towards the door.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going back to my common-room, thank you very much. I need to shower."
"You've got your own bathroom, right over there -"
"I'm not showering in the same room as -"
"For Merlin's sake, Granger, I may be an arse but I would never - I would never try anything. Besides, if you're that concerned, there's a lock on the door."
Hermione ignored him.
"Granger, you're being stupid. When was the last time you were actually in the Gryffindor common-room? Would you even know your password?"
Hermione spun around. "Don't call me stupid, you git."
"I didn't call you stupid."
"You did too!"
"Did not,"
"I heard you!"
"Are you calling me liar, Granger?"
"Yes, I am, because you did too call me stupid, and I am so done taking in your insults and not doing anything about it."
"Hm, maybe you are stupid, because I said you were being stupid. I was implying that your act of attempting to march into your common-room was stupid. Not that you, as a person, were stupid."
"You just called me stupid again!"
Malfoy groaned.
"I said that maybe you were stupid. I still didn't call you stupid."
Hermione didn't say anything for a long moment. She had been, once again, proven wrong by Malfoy. The world had to be upside down.
Hermione started walking towards the back of the room, towards her bathroom. As much as she hated to admit it, Malfoy had been right about that too; the Gryffindor password had probably changed three times since she had last been in the common-room.
She muttered something under her breath as she passed him.
"What?" Asked Malfoy, even if he had grasped what she had said.
"Thank you." She hissed, to Malfoy's satisfaction. "And I'm sorry I called you a lying git."
She said it so quickly that it sounded like a simple word.
"What was that?" He asked again, although she was almost convinced he knew exactly what she said as he had a smirk playing on his lips.
"I'm sorry I called you a lying git." She replied slowly through her teeth as she entered her bathroom, refusing to look back at him.
"You're forgiven, stupid."
Hermione whipped around again.
"What's your excuse for that one?!" She snapped,
"Oh, no excuse. I just wanted to call you stupid." Malfoy smiled humorously.
Hermione slammed the bathroom door. She looked around at the bathroom. There was a huge shower, a bath, a toilet, a sink and a cupboard filled towels, makeup, and facial and body care products. She grabbed a bottle of shampoo and one of conditioner, some body lotion and a shaving razor and stepped in the shower.
She had forgotten how warm water calmed her, and how the sound of the water falling on the shower floor made it seem like time had stopped. She had to shampoo and condition her hair multiple times before all the tangles were out.
Once she stepped out, she felt reenergized, despite her lack of sleep. She felt clean, stable, and presentable.
She opened a second cupboard to discover tons of clothing. She put on a thick sweater and some jeans, then walked back to the living room.
Malfoy was gone, so she started to unpack the groceries on the counter and placing them in cupboards. She needed something to do, something to keep her mind busy. Hermione delicately put the food away, including fruits and vegetables and treats.
When she ran out of food to put away, she sat down on the couch and glanced over at the bookshelf.
Maybe if she read a little bit...
Nah, it wasn't worth it.
But she didn't have anything better to do...
She was at the very bottom of every class. There was no way she could catch up...
But she could read, maybe she could catch up...
Impossible.
But Ron, and Lilac, and even Malfoy needed her...
She had barely been able to stand up twenty four hours ago, and now she wanted to recreate herself? She was being insane...
Just one book, she convinced herself. Just Hogwarts: A History, for old time's sake, right ?
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Draco left the Room of Requirement as soon as he heard the water running in the bathroom. He contemplated going to the Slytherin common-room, but decided against it. Instead, he walked the halls, searching for Lovegood.
It didn't take much to find her. She was on the Third Floor, just where Draco knew she would be.
"I was hoping I would find you here again. You really should come more often; it's lovely having you around."
An anxious Draco followed Lovegood back into the room she led him into.
Hours later, an exhausted Draco stepped into the Room of Requirements. He didn't want to stay with Lovegood, for fear that he would fall asleep, have nightmares and start screaming. He didn't have anywhere else to go, and Granger had probably found Potter or the password to her common-room by now. He staggered into the living room, which was dark, lighted only by a couple of sweet dark cherry scented candles and Granger's wand, which shone a bright light from where it was perched on the bed. Granger sat reading a thick history book Draco didn't recognize, with a couple of books, including Hogwarts: A History sitting at the foot of the bed, all of them open at different chapters. She didn't realize that Draco had entered the room - she hadn't read a word in months, and now she was binge reading. Draco sat on the couch facing her, watching her chest rise and fall with every breath and her eyes widen whenever she read something particularly interesting. Her eyes darted one side of the page to the other quickly, taking in all of the information, sometimes rereading a page once or twice. Her fingers tapped the cover and her lips occasionally moved softly as she subconsciously mouthed the words she was reading. Draco took it all in as if in a dream, too tired to throw in some joke or snap his fingers in her face to distract her.
Besides, what she was doing was possibly to save Lilac. Draco glanced at the picture on the wall, where a seven year old Lilac was smiling right at him, and had a feeling in his gut that, at that moment, everything was working out so that it would turn out okay.