Chapter 5

The next morning dawned early, especially for Reid and Morgan who had stayed out late the night before. The two of them were in Hotch's office, drinking tall cups of coffee as they discussed their findings. JJ and Rossi were in their offices, so the bullpen was empty as Emily came in. Just like a normal day, she set her bag under her desk and sat down, taking a long sip of her coffee as she glanced around the room. Noticing the cluster in Hotch's office, she sullenly walked up, lightly knocking on the doorway as she entered.

All three looked up, revealing different emotions. Reid's face looked mildly guilty, Morgan's sympathetic, and Hotch's professionally concerned. As her stomach sank, she tried to maintain her own nonplussed mask. "Reid, Morgan, give us some privacy?" Hotch ordered. The two men walked out, casting glanced through the window as they shut the door. Reid immediately walked to tell JJ, and Morgan sat at his desk, surreptitiously spying through the window.

Emily sat down on the couch across from Hotch's desk, and he sat down next to her. "How are you doing?" He inquired carefully.

"I miss him. I just want answers." Emily said, equally composed. "He wouldn't have done this. Not the John I knew, at least." She noticed the evidence bag in Hotch's hand, and frowned. "They found something." She stated, waiting for Hotch to fill in the blanks.

"Metro PD found a syringe at the scene that contained heroin. It had John's prints on it, and no one else's." He offered her the bag, but she shook her head.

"Then it was an accident. He's smart but he wasn't thinking straight…he's never done heroin before. The ME said he was drinking a lot. Maybe he just…it was an accident." She was speaking quickly, her mind desperately trying to come up with a solution that made sense.

"Emily, there's something else." Hotch walked over to his desk, returning with an envelope, bearing the return address of the hotel that John had been staying at.

"No." She whispered without thinking. She held it in her hands, light as a feather, before she opened it.

"I can give you some privacy…" Hotch said. Emily ignored him as she gently freed the letter, written on a single page of hotel stationary. Hotch watched her as her eyes travelled down the paper once, and then again. There were no tears; the only change was a slight wrinkling of her brow. She smoothed the paper over her knees, and finally looked up at Hotch.

"It was suicide." She said simply. Hotch nodded and sat down next to her again, waiting in an uneasy silence that seemed completely appropriate. She took a deep, shuddery breath, then released it. "He said that he was sorry."

"Emily, you don't have to do this." She nodded, looking over the letter again.

"I need to go home." She stood up abruptly and walked out of the office.

"Emily, wait." Hotch said authoritatively. "I'll drive you." He immediately grabbed his coat and keys, and ushered her out of the office. She accepted the offer wordlessly, quite unlike her familiar antics. Hotch shook his head as they walked out, and the team melted back to their desks, letting them pass without question.

She climbed in and stared resolutely out of the window though the whole drive. Hotch would glance over at her periodically, but never interrupted her silence. Once, he swore that he saw a tear trailing down her cheek, but it was gone the second that he looked back.

Hotch followed her inside after she unlocked the door, ignored the mess, and began rummaging through the cupboards to make her a cup of tea. She sat down in a kitchen chair and took a sip from the mug that had been there since Reid's visit the day before. "It has to be depression." She said stonily. "It's all there. Craving sensation, major life events, feelings of loneliness…" JJ's words from a past case entered her head. "Spontaneous proclamations of love…" The tea kettle began to whistle, and Hotch silently set the tea in front of her, taking away the cold cup. "He came to see me to say good bye. It's all in the letter." She took it from her pocket and handed it to Hotch, who cautiously accepted it without reading it.

"I'm okay Hotch. Just take it and leave. Read it if you want, I don't care. I just don't want to see it again."

"Emily, I understand that you're mad. But are you sure?" The confusion was etched on Hotch's face, mixed with concern.

"Positive. I already know what it says."

"I'll keep it for you." He took this as a cue to leave, and as he walked out the door, he looked her right in the eye. "If you need anything." He said kindly, revealing his worry.

Emily looked up, her face froze into a gaunt grimace. "I'll call."

Em-

First of all, I'm sorry. You deserve better than me. It was better growing up, when you, me, and Matt were just being young in Rome. Your lives took off, and mine stayed flat. I'm not complaining, I know that I could have done more. But I could never match you.

This isn't your fault. We drifted apart, started leading separate lives. I built a world for myself that I thought was safe. And then Matthew died, and that was the first time I realized how futile life had become. I stayed home recovering for a week, and then went back to work, but nothing was the same. I missed the life we had together, when we had each other to revel in.

As a kid, you never realize how much your life depends on a purpose. But when you don't know what's left to live for, it becomes impossible to keep going. It's my own fault that this happened…I let myself go, because you had your own life to live, without me. I am just so tired of everything. I know you're going to, but please, for my sake, don't blame yourself.

I'm done living my life, and I've accepted that. I just had to see you one more time, to make sure you were okay. I didn't mean to make you worry. It's just not worth it any more, I can't keep going. I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have one more thing to ask of you. Check in on my Dad every so often, make sure that he's okay.

See you on the other side.

John

So yeah, that's the end. Sorry it's so short. I could probably write more if you wanted. Let me know! If enough people want a continuation, it'll probable happen. Thanks for reading!

-FlynnWriter