Project Love
When I wake up it's almost 6:00 am. I feel terrible. My back hurts and my mouth is all dry. I probably look worse than I feel.
When I get up the person behind the desk is giving me a dirty look. I stretch out and it takes me a few minutes to replay what happened what last night. And when I do I feel horrible. I kissed Brittany. Why'd I kiss her? I have Brianna. I shake my head and sit back down on the couch. It's too early for me to worry about Carlos yet. So instead of doing something, I simply go back to sleep.
When I wake up again it's almost 8:00 am. The guy behind the desk is still giving me the dirtiest look, but when I look down I know why. Sometimes I hate having a dick."Fuck..." I whisper and stand up from the couch. I try to think of dead dogs and other sad stuff to release some of the tension.
I walk to my room, dreading what's to come. I don't want to go back in there, especially after what happened yesterday, but I need to change and get cleaned up. I knock on the door soft at first but no one answers. I start banging a little harder each time, but until I start pounding there's no response. "Fuck man, what?!" I hear my mom yell and I laugh slightly. She sounds like she feels which is probably like crap.
"It's me. Let me in." I try to open the door again but it's locked still.
"What do you want?" She asks. She's happy because now I have to beg her to get back into the room. "I need my clothes, what do you think I need?" I roll my eyes.
"You should have that about that before you left. Maybe you should deal with your problems instead of running away from them." She says and I roll my eyes again.
"I need my shit" I say knocking on the door angrily. I can't look completely homeless at an awards ceremony or whatever the hell it is.
I can hear Carlos getting up from the bed, but I know my mom is going to stop him from opening the door. "Go to sleep Carlos, I'm not dealing with her bullshit right now" I hate it when she drags him into our fights. He doesn't deserve it.
I knock on the door a few more times but eventually I give up, she's not going to let me in. I know she's not. She's 'living it up' and she's happy because she knows I'm miserable. What kind of mother is that?
...
When I get to Brianna's apartment I probably look and smell as homeless as I wish I wasn't. I haven't changed, showered, or even brushed my teeth. I really don't know how I'm supposed to go to Brianna's awards ceremony like this.
Mr. Sánchez answers the door and he has that look on his face. The same one he always has. He feels sorry for me. Brianna comes out of her room when he lets me in. She's wearing some shorts and a crop top. I wanted to hug her right then but she's looks too clean. She really doesn't care about what I look like or smell like though because she gives me a hug anyways. "Thank you for coming San" she says in my ear and I nod. She smells like heaven compared to me.
"Go get some clothes on Bri." Mr. Sánchez says. Since I'm really early he lets me shower while he sends Brianna out to buy me a new pair of boxers, some socks and a toothbrush. I feel bad that they're spending money on me, but they know i appreciate it and need it.
Brianna knocks on the door of the bathroom and I step out onto bath mat on the floor. I reach to open the door a little and she hands me a bag through the door. "Make sure you wash your hair too." Then she closes the door. In the bag there's the new clothes and an old but nice shirt that I left here a while ago, and a twenty five dollar prepaid card. I smile at her gesture, she's too good to me sometimes.
I wash my hair quickly and then dry off. I get dressed in all the stuff they got me and I feel really good. Nice and fresh.
Brianna comes in after and she brushes my hair. Then she helps me blow dry it and straighten it. I look and feel good. But I feel guilty too because here Brianna is treating me like this and I let last night with Brittany happen.
The award ceremony turns out to be boring. All they did was hand out pieces of paper, and sing all those tired, old church songs.
I am happy to see my girl getting an award though. Unfortunately we have to wait until the end because she's receiving the highest award or something. Brianna got her award after getting a lot of younger teens and kids to volunteer at this old folks home. She used to go a lot but since they have all the other help now, she only goes a couple of times a week.
When it's all over, she comes back over to us and gives us both hugs. She shows me her award with a huge smile on her face. Personally with all the money the school makes, you'd think they would give her something nicer.
We leave the school and Mr. Sánchez informs us he's taking us to Red Lobster. "My little girl doesn't get an award everyday." He says putting his arms around Brianna. "I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you daddy" she smiles and I smile too. They're so cute and close. He's her everything and she's his. Ever since her mom died that is. Even though he sent her away to some bible camp for one summer, she was mad then but she understood eventually.
We drive to the restaurant and they talk about the ceremony and Brianna gets more praise. I stay quiet and kind of wish it was me getting praised. Because the only conversations my mom and I ever have involve me selling weed. There's certainly no award for that, and I doubt she would care if I went to jail.
Throughout dinner my mind is barely in the same room. I'm eating because it's the best meal I've had in a long time, but I'm not feeling talkative. But it doesn't really seem to matter because Brianna and her dad haven't said anything to me. I'm can't get Penumbra out of my head. I really don't want to go back, especially not after such a peaceful day . What am I going to do if my mom doesn't let me in again? I can't go to Brittany's, I don't even remember where her room is.
When we're done eating Mr. Sánchez orders something for my brother and I smile "You really don't have to." I know how expensive Red Lobster is, and it's bad enough he paid for me.
"Nonsense, that little guy needs some good food on a cold night like tonight." He smiles back at me.
"See, your dad is cool," I tell Brianna and she shakes her head.
"Don't tell him that or he'll believe it." She laughs, winking at her dad and he acts like it hurt his feelings.
They're laughing and having a good time. It's hard for me because it brings back memories and makes me wish I still had something like that. The last time my family this much fun was about four months ago. My dad brought us all out to this Spanish place down in Harlem for my mom's thirty-fourth birthday. We were joking just like Brianna and her dad. Little did we know my dad would get arrested two days later. And if I'm being honest, that's the last fun thing that's happened to me in what feels like forever. Since then we've been too busy worrying about not having somewhere to live and money.
...
I didn't want to come back to Penumbra. But I knew my mom wasn't good at taking care of Carlos by herself for too long. She usually gets angry because she wants to go out with her friends, especially on a Saturday night. She's even left Carlos alone a couple of times just because she couldn't take being home. That's why I made sure Carlos knew my number upside down and sideways. So if he needed anything I could be there.
When I get to our room, I knock and she opens the door, unlike this morning. Instead of being the bitch she was she just looks tired and mad. "Where have you been?" She voice is laced with attitude.
"None of your business really" I squeeze by her and go inside the room. I hand Carlos the food Mr. Sanchez ordered for him. He's watching TV and eating the chips I bought him yesterday. He probably hasn't had anything else all day.
My mom closes the door behind her and rolls her eyes. "Your little girlfriend do your hair?" I don't say anything because she knows who did my hair. "What's in the bag Carlos?" She pesters him.
"I didn't give it to you so what does it matter?" I shake my head, trying to keep her nose out of it.
"Whatever, I'm going out with Sadie and Ariane tonight." she smirks, thinking it might make me jealous or something.
"Okay have a good time. Eat up Carlos." I scruff up his hair and he opens it. He starts into it and eagerly enjoys something he never gets.
"How in the hell did you get that?" My mom snarls and I can hear her stomach growling.
"Brianna's dad took us out after her awards thing. You can have some if Carlos says it's okay." Carlos nods. I can't be completely rude. She's still my mom and I don't like seeing her hungry.
When she gets her couple of bites, she goes to shower and get ready for the night out. Carlos and I talk for the while, and I tell him he needs to do his homework tomorrow. But he says he can't because my mom wants to bring him along to see our caseworker. "You're not going to that meeting, you can't keep missing school."
After my mom leaves, I let Carlos play my game boy for a bit while I figure out what work he needs to do. On my search I find a note from his teacher. She wrote that she needed to meet with my mom to discuss his school work and other issues. I know Carlos doesn't do school well but what other issues does he have? I hope she's not trying to report us to ACS, or the administration for children services, because we're having a rough time right now. We haven't had an ACS case in a couple of years. My dad got us out last time when he got out of jail, which was about a year ago. I'd do anything to stay out of the foster system. I hate it, but I would go any day to keep Carlos from going again.
I put all the work Carlos needs to do on the dresser and then I pull out his clothes for school tomorrow so they aren't wrinkled.
I lay on the other bed when I'm done. The more I think about this life the madder I get. I'm mad I'm here at Penumbra. Why do I have to be here with no money or apartment? Why am I spending my Saturday night in this nasty room instead of having fun like people my age should be doing? And most of all why is my dad locked up and not taking care of us so I don't have to worry about us all the time? I just wish my life was different. Better.
...
My mom doesn't get back until really late. And when she stumbles through the door, it's clear she's plastered. I can tell it's not just alcohol. At first I'm upset, mad even, but then my feelings turn into jealously.
"I'm through with your dad," she says loudly, waking Carlos up. "I'm through with this lifestyle, you understand Santana?" She leans against the wall trying to take her shoes off but she falls because she's too messed up to stand. "That club was full of fine guys tonight and guess what Santana?" she slurs, and I shake my head.
"What?" Why can't she just be normal?
"I could have had any one of them, because I'm still fine and I mean a fine piece of ass. But I can't do nothing with them...well not supposed to." She lets out a small laugh like she's telling herself a joke. "No no I have to stay faithful to someone who's not even around anymore."
She sits on Carlos' bed, the one he's trying to sleep on and started getting sad just like she always does. "It's not fair. None of it." Tears are running down her face "You understand that right? You feel me right?" I just shake my head and stay quiet because I know it's better to just leave her than answer her questions. I just have to wait her drunken state out. When she gets like this, no one sleeps. She babbles on until all the crap is out of her system and she passes out.
I'm woken up by a few lite knocks on the door. I bury my face further into my pillow, but then I hear a familiar voice. "Santana?" I know that voice but I can't put together who it is. The knocking isn't going to stop anytime soon and I don't want my mom or Carlos to wake up, so I get up and open the door. It's Brittany. She's a little surprised I opened the door as abruptly, but she smiles at me. How is she this cheerful this early in the morning? She's wearing a panda hat and she has leg warmers on her arms. "Hi Santana." I can't help but laugh a little at her style.
"Aren't those for your legs?" Brittany tilts her head to the side and frowns.
"Yes, but I made a new use for them. My arms are always colder than my legs anyway."She shrugs, smiling confidently.
I smile and duck my head to hide my face. She's cute and even though her outfit might not make it to the runway, she can work anything she wears. "So what are you doing here?" I came out a little harsh but that's just because I just woke up and she understood and nodded.
She snaps her fingers as she remembers and yet again it's so adorable. "One of the guards downstairs told me that there's a church around the corner that gives out free breakfast. I really don't want to go by myself and you're like the only person I know so I was hoping you would come with me?".
"You want me to go to a church? How'd you find my room anyway?" I ask, surprised.
"I asked the guy at the front and he told me. I had to bribe him, but he told me eventually." She smiled like she was proud of herself. "The service starts at eight, so if you want to go,we need to go now."
I rub my eyes and sigh "Fine Ms. Stalker. Give me a few minutes okay?" She nodded and smiles brightly. It makes me happy that I made her happy.
I shut the door and go to wake Carlos up. "Carlos, wake up. We are going to go get some food okay?"
He mumbles and gives me a sleepy nod. I go get ready in the bathroom and change, and when I come back out Carlos is putting on his shoes.
It's freezing outside as we walk and I keep my arms crossed over my chest. "I heard it was going to snow today" Brittany says breaking the silence. She sound excited about the news and I can't help but wonder why? I hate the winter.
Carlo's loves it though so he's happy when he hears "I hope it snows a lot so I don't have to go to school " He starts jumping around and smiling. When I was little I loved snow days that much.
As we walk, we pass all these shut down factories, empty buildings, places with nothing but garbage. This whole neighborhood is ugly and depressing. Brittany must have noticed my state of mind.
"I was looking for you yesterday." Brittany says nonchalantly.
"You have no one else to hang out with?" I ask hoping she doesn't. I mean come on, this girl could have anyone or anything, but she was looking for me.
"No. It's scary around that place, and when I was with you, you made me feel safe." She says frowning.
We continue on without talking anymore. Carlos is walking in front of us. We are about to walk across that street and he doesn't even look for cars before stepping off the curb. I grab his hand quickly. "Carlos what have I told you about watching where you're going. Now you get to hold my hand like a little five year old." I hear Brittany chuckle.
When we arrive at the church we're right on time. We hurry in and find a couple of seats towards the back.
It's named Iglesias de Dos Del Bronx. It's not a church like the one that I used to go to. It's just a rented out store front.
We sit through the service, and I keep falling in and out of sleep. Carlos sleeping quietly next to me and Brittany's attention is on the service. She seems so invested and she smiling even though the whole thing is being led in Spanish.
I never really believed in God. If there was one, we wouldn't be here just for food. My family wouldn't be going through what we are. My dad always taught me to depend on myself and that's all I need, myself.
While some music plays, a collection plate is passed around. It doesn't come to the back though. They're probably afraid we'll steal it.
After everything is over, they announce the breakfast will be held out front. All the other homeless people in the back with us start moving and since almost all of them are still sleepy, it's funny watching them stumble around. I nudge Carlos awake and he gets up. I grab his hand and we all follow the crowd.
The first thing I notice is how the food smells. It smells amazing. Better than anything I've smelt in a while. My stomach growls and I take a deep breath. Brittany, Carlos, and I grab a table and wait until it's our turn. Brittany and I make small talk, mostly about our lives and how it was before. I learn I'm older than her just by a couple of months and she tells me that doesn't mean much and smiles.
We finally get our food and sit back down at our table to eat. Carlos and I are stuffing it in, but Brittany is sitting there taking her time. I stop shoveling food into my mouth and look around. A lot of people are staring at her. I don't blame them. She's beautiful, but also doesn't seem to belong here. When I resume eating, I slow down and try my best to look as nice as Brittany as she eats. The pastor guy stands up and makes all of us clap for the ladies who cooked all the food, and then he announces leftovers are available to take home. I made sure to pack something for mom as well as Carlos and myself.
We hang out a little longer and a girl walks up to Brittany, who is getting her leftovers. She comes back with a huge smile on her face. "Look" she hands me a business card "She said she needs another waitress. And she said she would train me and take me on. All I have to do is call and I could start next week."
I smile over at her. I'm genuinely happy for her. "That's awesome Brittany. Good for you."
We're walking back and Brittany is the first to speak up. "Are you mad about what happened? You know the other night."
"No I'm not mad...I just...I'm with someone right now. We can't let that happen again" I regret the words. Brittany made me feel things, but I can't do that to Brianna. It isn't right. She nods in understanding.
We walk the rest of the way in silence until we reach Penumbra. I drop Carlos off at our room and then I walk Brittany to her room. She kisses my cheek and I give her a weak smile.
"Do you wanna come in? I want to talk" Brittany asks shyly.
I think about it for a second and nod "Just for a minute."
(A/N: I want to thank Brittanaisendgame aka my beta for all the help, enjoy, review and follow up everyone!)