Chapter 11

A hand is his.

Long elegant fingers entwined; once perfectly manicured nails broken and rough.

Reid.

Aaron was suspended in blackness, Reid's hand still held him. Saying to him, 'I will never let go.'

Reid's hand pulled him back towards the light he knew was there, but he couldn't see it.

Enfolded in safe black velvet, free of pain, protected, loved…..

Still the hand drew him upwards,

The velvet fell from his helpless body, falling upwards towards fear and hurt……..

"Reid?" Just a whisper. He could hear Reid's ragged breathing – irregular, uncertain. He gripped Spencer's hand and tried to move his head to his left, towards him. He couldn't see him.

Hotch put his right hand up to his face. He rubbed at his eyes.

"Spencer, I can't see."

Aaron felt panic rise within him.

Couldn't see…but he could before. He could remember the rape kit…..the fall.

He could see then….but not now.

Never loosening his grip on Spencer's hand, he called out.

For Haley

For his friends

For this to be over

And new tears fell from sightless eyes.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The doctor shone his light into Aaron's eyes. There was no change. His pupils huge and dark.

Aaron desperately tried to calm the panic.

Blind.

He couldn't be.

He tried to hear what the doctor was saying. But his mind was on the man next to him. How could he help him to recover, if he was blind?

Of what use was he?

"…..may not be permanent……"

"Please could you say that again?" Aaron said, trying to concentrate. To keep his voice even, trying to hide the fear he felt.

"…caused by the head trauma. It's not uncommon; the swelling is causing pressure around the optic nerve. Often when the pressure subsides, vision returns with no permanent damage. Unfortunately we cannot predict the outcome with any certainty."

Hotch's mind went to his family, to Haley and little Jack.

He wanted to see them, to remember how they looked.

What if he was never going to see them again?

Not watch his little boy grow up, watch him go off to school on his first day?

He was sad that Haley wasn't there, but he wasn't surprised.

Life had become more and more difficult since he missed Jack's hospital appointment. He hadn't meant to. He loved Jack.

But how could he leave the BAU?

Now, if he was blind, would he be able to do his job anyway?

And how could he leave Spencer?

When Gideon left, Reid had felt abandoned. One more abandonment in a lifetime littered with them.

How would he cope now, if someone else left him, after what he'd been through?

He thought again of Haley.

It was her choice. She would manage on her own.

He doubted if Reid would.

He couldn't leave him.

The doctor touched Hotch's arm and snatched him back to the present.

He was looking at the puncture mark on his inner elbow.

"I need to ask you something, Mr.Hotchner. There is an injection site on your arm, and it seems you were given some kind of narcotic. We need to know what it was."

Aaron tried to think back to what had happened. "I was given something…. on the plane….not injection."

"Do you think it could have been your kidnapper who dosed you?"

Hotch thought about it. He couldn't remember being injected, but he was fairly certain what had happened and he knew it hadn't been Cross.

"Yes I think so." said Hotch, "It must have been him." He fought the urge to turn towards Reid

"You rest now. I'll come in on you tomorrow." And he left.

Rest?

Aaron's head swam, it hurt when he moved, his leg hurt, but most of all, he hurt for Reid.

He needed to get his head together if he was to be any help to him.

'Please, Hotch, no-one must know'

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Spencer? Are you awake?" He reached out for his hand in the darkness. "Reid?"

Reid caught hold of him. "Hotch. They know."

Aaron felt pain deep inside. He struggled to find words of comfort, pushing his own troubles to the back of his mind. It seemed so trivial after what Reid had endured. His heart cried for him.

"Nobody else needs to, Spencer. I'll get you through this. We'll get through this together."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Reid was hurting.

His body was in pain. His arm was only saved by the exceptional skill of the surgeon. It seemed to be screaming at him, it felt as if it was on fire. His face was beaten and lacerated, skin pulling where it was healing. He was bruised and torn inside, every movement he made reminding him of his violation.

His violation.

Nobody else's.

His to deal with.

His mind was ripped apart. Statistics rushing unbidden through his head:

20 per cent of rape victims are men

3per cent of adult men are raped

Male rape victims most likely to commit suicide

Spencer couldn't switch it off. He had never tried before to control the information that spontaneously appeared in his mind. Now all he wanted was to make it all go away, to be at peace with himself. That peace had been clawed away in that terrible few minutes on the woodland floor.

Just a few minutes.

But the results would be with him always. There was no escape.

The waking nightmares were holding him in their crushing tentacles. Nothing he did relieved him of the feelings of shame and abasement.

And selfishness.

Hotch, a man who had been willing to take his place. A man who had lost his sight trying to help him. Now all he could think of was his own pain.

He crushed the pillow onto his face and wept in grief.

……………………………………………………………………………………………...

The rest of the team visited that afternoon.

Reid lay on his side facing the wall and pretended to be asleep. He listened to them talking about him, sharing their concerns with each other.

He didn't want to talk to them.

He wanted to be alone, away from here.

Somewhere he could end the self-loathing.

Free himself forever.

He couldn't do it here.

He would have to wait.