Chapter 13

It was painful, the thought of going home to a cold empty house. Although he'd not seen Haley since he left the BAU all those weeks ago, he couldn't imagine being alone in the house without her and Jack.

He had asked Reid to come back and stay with him for a while. He was so worried about him; maybe they could help each other. So he asked him, giving no reasons.

He was glad when Spence had said yes.

Reid was not bothered where he was as long as it was away from here. When Hotch had asked him to go to his place for a while, it was easier to say yes than argue about it. He didn't want to argue. He didn't want to communicate at all. So he would go back with Hotch to his place.

He thought of the freedom to do what he'd been thinking about, and he started to feel nervous and excited. The hospital felt like a prison. It was not until that moment that he realized just how much he hated it. He watched Hotch clumsily put his things into the holdall he had had brought in. He crossed to Hotch's bed and started to help him.

"Let me help you."

Just four words. But they were the first words Hotch had heard Reid say without it being in response to a question. Hotch felt an unaccustomed warmth.

"Thank you, Reid."

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Morgan and Garcia were waiting outside for them. The drive home was awkward. Neither Morgan nor Garcia knew what to say, but they were determined to talk to them, find out the truth of the matter.

Morgan pulled up outside Hotch's house. The house was still and silent, unwelcoming. Morgan glanced back at Hotch. His sightless eyes were staring straight ahead, but they were wide and tear filled. Even though Hotch couldn't see, he could feel the loneliness; anticipate the emptiness he would know on entering the house. His hand tightened on Reid's. Morgan turned back quickly.

"Ok, then! Here we are!" Garcia said brightly. She and Morgan started to get out of the car.

"We're all right." Reid said. "We can carry our stuff."

"Yes you can," countered Morgan. "But we are coming in with you. We need to talk."

Aaron got out of the car. Reid leaned forward and pulled Morgan back into the car.

"We can manage!"

"No. You can't." Morgan pulled away, ignoring Reid's protests, went round to the back of the car and took the bags out of the boot. He handed them to Reid.

Aaron was at the front door, struggling with his keys. Garcia took them from him, and unlocked the door.

Reid was upset. All he wanted to do was shut himself in the bathroom and think. He had been preparing for this moment for weeks, calmly longing for this time.

Now he would have to wait again.

The four of them entered the house, Morgan leading Hotch to the sofa, Reid dumping the bags inn the hall, and sitting down next to him. Morgan noticed that they were not holding hands now, but Reid was sitting so close to Aaron, that they touched.

Garcia went onto the kitchen to make a drink. Morgan sat down opposite Aaron. When Garcia came in with the drinks, she sat by Morgan. She gave him a nervous look. Morgan gave her a slight nod.

Garcia turned to Reid.

"Reid," she began softly. "We know what happened."

Spencer shrunk back into the chair. He stared at Aaron in dismay, trying to draw away from him. Morgan saw the movement.

"Hotch didn't tell us." said Morgan.

"So how……?"

"I hacked into the hospital records, Reid."

"B-but…..why?" Reid was stunned. "That was private!" He lowered his head in shame. Aaron reached for his hand.

"Reid, we had to find out! How can we help you if we don't know?"

Garcia leaned forwards and took Spencer's other hand. "We are your friends, Spencer. We needed to know."

"It's only us, Reid. We haven't told the others."

Reid began to cry.

Aaron turned to Reid. "I wanted to tell them, Spence, but I didn't. But now they know, maybe we can work together and get through this." He added, "I am so glad you know, Morgan. We really need you"

Reid stood up. Aaron reached for him, but Reid stepped away.

"Please, Spence….."

"No!" he choked. "No!"

Reid ran out of the room. Aaron put his hands on his face.

"I can't help him, Morgan. He won't accept any."

"I shouldn't have told him." said Garcia. She stood.

"Where are you going, Baby girl?"

"This is my fault, Derek. I am going to talk to him."

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Garcia followed Reid up the stairs. She could hear him sobbing on the other side of the door.

"Please, Spence let me in."

Reid didn't answer. Garcia turned the handle, but the door was locked. "Please, Spence, let me in. Please, I'm so sorry."

She heard Reid's footsteps, and he opened the door.

He turned and went back to the bed. He sat and watched at her, Then he turned his head away.

"Please don't look at me, Garcia." He said. "I don't want you to see me. Just say what it is you need to say, and leave me alone."

Garcia sat by him and took his face in her hands. She felt his tears, the trembling of his jaw; she turned him to face her.

"Let me help." She spoke slowly, deliberately. "We love you, Reid. We want you back."

For a few seconds, Spencer just looked at her, his body racked with sobs. Then suddenly, he put his arms around her, and held her.

She held him close. His despair made tears come to her eyes too,

Gently she rocked him. Slowly the crying faded to a shudder at each breath..

She held him like that as the sun went down.

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Finally, Spencer fell asleep in her arms.

Very carefully, she lay him down on the bed. She took off his shoes and covered him.

She gave him a gentle kiss and looked down at him, sleeping. He looked so innocent, so childlike. How could anything so awful have happened to him? She went to the door. Glancing back at him once more, she turned the light off and went downstairs.

Morgan and Hotch were sitting where she had left them. Morgan looked up at her as she re-entered the room.

"He's sleeping." she said. "I'll go check on him later."

"It's ok, Garcia," said Hotch. "You don't have to stay, you know. We'll be ok."

Morgan stood. "C'mon, Baby. Let's leave them to settle in." He took Garcia by the hand.

"We'll come back in the morning." said Garcia. She leaned down and gave Aaron a little kiss on the cheek. "See you tomorrow."

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Hotch heard the door shut. He sat in the darkness thinking of all the things that had happened in this house.

He remembered when he had carried Haley over the threshold.

The time when they had come home with little Jack.

The times he had paced the floor at night, trying to get him to sleep.

He needed them to be there with him.

He reached for the phone, but he knocked it off the table. It fell to the floor with a crash.

His sense of desolation and abandonment overwhelmed him. He knelt on the floor and felt around for the phone, but he couldn't find it

Even making a phone call was too difficult for him.

He couldn't even call his wife.

He put his head on the floor and wrapped his arms round his head, curled up and wept in the darkness.