Disclaimer: These are not my characters.

CHAPTER 3: Stacey

I've been thinking I should write a book.

I think I'll call it Stacey's Rules for Dating High School Boys.

Rule #1:

Don't.

"…I was so mad I couldn't even speak to him." Claudia was saying. "I mean who does that, Stacey? Who?"

I shrugged and grabbed one of the pizzas from the window in front of me. "Alan Gray?" I guessed.

Honestly, I had no idea what Claudia was talking about but she was pretty steamed so I was ninety-nine percent sure it had to be about him. They've been dating since ninth grade and Claudia still hasn't learned that he's just a big dork. Not that learning is a particular strength of hers, but come on! It's been almost four years. She should have some kind of clue by now.

Rule #2:

If you do decide to date one, make sure it's not an ex. Especially a cheating little shit like Robert Brewster.

"I just wish he'd stop being such an attention whore." Claudia said. "Why does he need everybody to laugh at him? Why can't he just be okay with knowing that I think he's funny?"

I handed the lunch lady my money and we started walking to the table. "I don't know, Claud." I said, trying hard to at least sound sympathetic. "I guess it's just how his brain is wired."

"But, why?" she asked. "It doesn't make sense!" As she started another Alan Gray tirade I thought about another rule for my book. Maybe I'll dedicate a chapter to each rule. Even though the rules seem succinct and self-explanatory (at least to me) a lot of girls just lack the common sense and/or confidence needed to follow them. At the very least, I could include a small blurb for clarification.

Rule #3:

When choosing a high school boy, don't pick the class clown. They're always begging for attention.

Claudia is a perfect example. She is without a doubt one of the hottest girls at school. She could literally have any guy she wants. Instead, she chooses to put all of her energy into Alan Gray.

Alan freaking Gray.

The only reason he doesn't still stick yellow M&M's in his eyes is because once he explained the joke to Claudia he realized it was dated. Nobody reads Little Orphan Annie comics. I don't even think they come in Bazooka Joes anymore. I don't even think they make Bazooka Joe anymore.

But that's Alan Gray. He's dated and corny.

It's like he's escaped from the eighties. Like today? He was wearing dark purple skinny jeans, a white collared shirt, a black tie, and his black Converse sneakers. As soon as the bell rings and he's safely off campus, I know he's going to put on his stupid black fedora.

And it's not like this was a fluke and he just decided today was the day he'd dress like a member of Kids Incorporated. That's basically what he wears every day, except the skinny jeans color varies and once it starts getting colder he's going to start wearing a leather jacket.

It's like he can't decide if he wants to be rockabilly or Justin Timberlake so he settled for just being tall and awkward and cheesy. And not in a cute Andy Sandberg way either. In an annoying, uncool, Alan Gray way.

I looked at Claudia. She was also wearing a white collared shirt and a black tie but she had on a hot pink sweater vest, and dark purple leggings. She was wearing her black converse boots that laced all the way up to her knees. She had on about a million silver bracelets, pink lightning bolt, and silver skull earrings. She had pulled her long black hair into a side bun and she looked SO good. She looked classy and cool, which I know sounds weird since I just said she was wearing hot pink and purple, but it's Claudia.

Last year, for Halloween, she literally wore a brown paper bag and black flats.

None of the guys could take their eyes off of her.

Granted, the paper bag was pretty short but the point is, the whole night Alan Gray basically had to follow her around everywhere because of all the guys who kept trying to hit on her. And really, even with him standing next to her (with his arm around her shoulder), guys still didn't get the hint. Logan Bruno had to step up and say something to one guy because when Alan Gray tried to say he didn't appreciate his girlfriend being gawked at, the guy almost punched him.

Claudia could do so much better.

But no. I was spending my lunch listening (well, pretending to listen) to her complain about how he humiliated her in class.

Again.

We sat down and I patted Claudia's arm consolingly. "That sucks, Claud. So much. Maybe you should just end things with him." I said as I picked up my pizza. "He's always doing stupid things like that." I sniffed at my pizza and couldn't help making a face. God, school lunches are disgusting.

"I mean, why do you even bother?" I asked before taking a small bite.

Honestly, I don't even know what the stupid thing was, but it was always something stupid. By this point, I don't even know why she cares. I don't. And she really deserves someone better.

But did she thank me for my insight and well-meaning advice?

No.

Instead, she gave me a look, like I'd just told her to shoot a baby and wear it as a hat.

"I'm not breaking up with Alan just because he's an immature clown." She said. "That's what makes him Alan Gray." She shook her head, "I just wish he'd stop being so desperate for attention."

I rolled my eyes and tried to change the subject before she tried repeating her story again. "So, I broke up with Robert this morning." I said as I took another bite of my pizza.

Instead of being shocked or even slightly concerned for me, Claudia rolled her eyes. "Wow. That was fast." She said dryly. "How long did you guys date? Two weeks? I thought you said it was true luuuvvv."

I glared at her. "We dated for a month." I said as witheringly as I could. "I'm sorry I can't overlook the fact that he's a cheating little shit. I know that's what makes him Robert Brewster, but it's not exactly an endearing quality."

"Wait, when did he cheat on you?" Claudia asked. "I thought you guys spent all weekend together."

"We did." I said. "But I was on his facebook page yesterday and I noticed he had a lot of messages from some girl named Ally. Apparently, they spent the summer together and they're still keeping in touch."

Claudia frowned. "Okay, I can get why you'd be jealous but that doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating on you. Maybe they're just friends."

"I am not jealous." I scoffed. "I swear, it's like you just never listen to me. Things just weren't going well. I want to be with someone who gives me butterflies, not makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't trust him."

Claudia nodded. ''That makes sense." She paused for a second then raised an eyebrow. "Wait a minute. You never just break up with a guy." She eyed me suspiciously. "What's his name?"

I widened my eyes in mock innocence. "What are you talking about?"

"Stacey McGill, I know you too well to believe you just broke up with Robert without another guy lined up. Who is it?"

I laughed. "Claud, there's really not another guy. I'm officially single for the first time in…gosh, what's it been? Four years?" I smiled and leaned back in my seat. "We'll see how long that lasts though." I felt pretty proud of myself actually. I had a couple of ideas for replacements but I figured I'd wait it out a bit first to see who'd make the best option.

"How long what lasts?" Kristy said as she threw her lunch down on the table.

"Stacey is officially single." Claudia said with a laugh. "She and Robert broke up this morning."

Kristy raised an eyebrow, "Already? Didn't you guys just start dating last week?"

"We dated for a month!" I said indignantly.

Kristy shrugged and took a large bite of her pizza. "Whatever." She said with her mouth full. "Sam's not coming home until Christmas break and he said something about bringing home some girl named Allysa or Ashley or whatever, so I know you guys aren't back together."

Rule #4:

Don't date your friend's brother. You always find out more information than you could possibly ever want.

Again, totally not jealous. But really, your ex is an ex for a reason. It's just better to cut all your ties.

I tossed my hair behind my shoulder as if the news didn't bother me. "I don't care." I said. "Sam and I broke up ages ago. We've both moved on, obviously."

Claudia and Kristy exchanged some kind of look that I wasn't supposed to notice. So I ignored it by changing the subject.

"I think this Friday we should have a girls' night to celebrate my freedom." I said. "We'll have a Sex and the City marathon, my mom can make us cosmos. It'll be a fun little sleepover!"

Claudia shook her head. "I can't. Alan and I are going to a concert out in Stanford."

Kristy shrugged. "I would, but I'm pretty sure me and Bart are gonna be making out." She grinned and showed off a partially masticated slice of pizza. "I think his parents are going out of town, so it's gonna be just the two of us." She wagged her eyebrows at us. "And we've been going steady for like six months now. That's about the right time frame to start putting out right?"

My jaw dropped.

Claudia didn't seem as surprised. "I guess. I mean, if you really want to." She said. "I mean, Alan and I have been dating for forever and we still haven't."

Kristy snorted. "Well, yeah. It's Alan Gray. I don't know how you can even deal with him kissing you."

Claudia frowned. "I'm surprised that Bart's willing to kiss you considering how much food you usually have stored in your mouth."

Kristy grinned. "I keep it in there so he has something to snack on besides my face."

Claudia and I groaned. "You're disgusting!" I said as I took a sip of my water. Listening to Kristy talk about her plans with Bart was leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I couldn't tell if it was because I was so grossed out, or just resentful.

Maybe it was both.

How the hell was it even possible that Kristy Thomas could lose her virginity before me? She just discovered boys, like really discovered them, last year. And it wasn't so much that she discovered them. Her hormones just kicked in one day and she suddenly realized that making out with Cary Retlin was more fun than watching baseball.

I shook my head. This was surreal.

Claudia is hotter than Krisy.

I'm definitely hotter than Kristy.

Even Mary Anne is hotter than Kristy and she's going through this stupid nun phase where she refuses to even consider looking at guys.

Any one of us could have traded in our v-cards by now but no, it was going to be Kristy Thomas.

Speaking of Mary Anne…I looked around the cafeteria. She still hadn't shown up.

"Where's Mary Anne?" I asked. "Did she not come to school today?"

Claudia looked at Kristy. Kristy shrugged and gulped down her last bite of pizza. "I think she wasn't feeling well," she said. "I guess Morgan has colic or is colic or whatever and it's been messing up her sleep. She's probably trying to catnap in the library or something."

"Colic?" I winced. "Ugh. That's gotta suck. Jessi said when Squirt had it he cried for hours on end. Poor Mary Anne."

Both of the other girls looked uncomfortable. "Yeah…" Claudia said. "You know, maybe I should go check on her? Make sure she doesn't sleep through the next class?"

Kristy shook her head. "I talked to her already. She really just wants to nap, y'know?" There was another weird look that Kristy gave Claudia.

Claudia frowned but nodded. "I guess so. I just wish she'd stop taking things so seriously."

Kristy shrugged. "You know Mary Anne. Everything's always her fault."

Claudia rolled her eyes. "Right. It's all her fault not the dumbass that couldn't take a hint."

"What are you guys talking about?" I asked. It was weird listening to their conversation because they were obviously talking about something other than Morgan's colic. They've been doing that a lot lately, leaving me out of conversations. And they just expect me not to notice or say anything.

Claudia shook her head. "It's nothing."

"Obviously, it's something." I said. "I mean, we have French together. You

"Son of a bitch." Kristy scowled. "Why the hell are they coming over here?"

Claudia and I both turned to look as Cary and Alan Gray walked up to the table.

Claudia glared at them. "Lunch is almost over." She said curtly. "If you want to sit here give us a minute to leave."

Alan did this sad face thing that I think he thought was cute. It wasn't but Claudia seemed to think it was. Her glare softened a little bit.

"We just came by to do some damage control." He said sheepishly. He dropped down to his knee, grabbed Claudia's hand and placed it against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Claud. Please don't dump me. I promise to stop embarrassing you in public."

"You mean, by not making a public spectacle of yourself like you're doing right now?" Kristy deadpanned.

I looked around. About half the cafeteria had stopped what they were doing to look at our table. I rolled my eyes but made sure to sit up a little straighter.

Alan stuck his tongue out at Kristy then turned back to Claudia. "Yes. I promise this is the last spectacle I'll make of us. Just please, forgive me? Please?" He widened his eyes and stuck out his bottom lip. It was obnoxious.

Claudia smiled. "You're lucky you're so cute." She said as she leaned down to kiss him.

And just like that, their fight was over. I shook my head. Unreal.

The grin on Alan's face was ginormous. "I'm lucky I have you." He said as he plopped down into the seat next to Claudia. He didn't let go of her hand and as soon as he was comfortable he pulled her close to him and started kissing her cheek, her neck, her forehead.

It was disgusting.

"I think I'm going to lose my lunch." Kristy said loudly.

I took another gulp of water and turned my back to them before I threw up for possibly the second time. Cary just stood there awkwardly.

"Did you want to have a seat?" I asked. I didn't turn around to look but I nodded my head back towards the newly reunited couple. "I'm pretty sure the ban has been lifted."

I patted the empty space next to me, then twirled my hair and tilted my head towards him.

Rule #5:

Flirting with a hot guy never hurts.

Even if it doesn't work out, at least you have him on your resume.

And Cary is such a hottie. He's tall, blonde, and gorgeous. He's got this sexy bed head thing going on, like he was busy surfing or wrestling bears or something and just didn't have time to fix his hair. And he knows how to dress like a normal guy. Today he had on a blue t-shirt over a white Henley and regular fitted jeans. Not skinny jeans, but jeans that actually fit properly. And Converse sneakers. Every guy in school wears Converse sneakers now, but Cary is quite possibly the first guy I've ever known to make them look sexy. And his eyes are the most amazing shade of blue.

I mean, seriously, Mary Anne is an idiot for not wanting to snatch him up.

He looked over my shoulder, probably at Claudia and Alan and seemed to consider his option. But then his gaze fell on Kristy and I saw his jaw set.

I took another sip of my water and tried not to sigh too obviously.

Rule #6:

If the guy used to hook up with one of your friends, make sure they're never around each other or it ruins your chances.

(See Rule #4)

"Relax, Retlin." Kristy said. "I'm leaving." She glared at him. "I have a mess I have to go clean up."

Cary laughed. "Really? Why am I not surprised?"

"Actually, big shock," Kristy said. "It's another mess you caused. You just can't ever leave things alone can you?"

Cary bristled. "So, it doesn't actually concern you then does it, Thomas? Why don't you just butt out? I cleaned up the last mess without your help, didn't I?"

Kristy opened her mouth. She was about to go off on him and I tried to think of some way to distract them. But then, surprisingly, she shut her mouth.

I looked at Claudia and Alan, to see if they had noticed.

They were both staring wide-eyed at Kristy. They had definitely noticed.

We looked at Cary to see what he'd say.

If anything, it seemed to piss him off more. "You know what? Fuck this." Cary said. "I'm leaving. I don't need your judgmental bullshit."

"My judgmental bullshit?" Kristy snapped standing up. "Go fuck yourself, Cary. Obviously nobody else here wants to." Then she grabbed her tray and stomped off towards the exit.

Alan Gray, Claudia, and I just sat there for a minute.

Cary's face was bright red and he walked off without saying anything to us.

"Well, that was overly dramatic." Alan Gray said. "I feel like we were watching a soap opera. Maybe I should start packing popcorn."

Claudia giggled and snuggled in closer to him. "You're such a dork." She said leaning in to kiss him again.

I rolled my eyes but luckily the bell rang and I didn't have to pretend to want to sit there anymore. "You are without a doubt the dumbest guy in the school." I said as I stood up.

"Hey!" Claudia and Alan Gray said at the same time. I ignored them as I started walking to my next class.

"I'll have you know, Cary officially won that title!" Alan Gray called after me. "Me and Claudia put it to a vote."

I hate that I was following Kirsty's example of stomping out of the room but I was so irritated. Something was going on with my "friends" and they were purposely leaving me out of it.

Claudia was settling for one of the dorkiest guys in school. There's no way she was happy with him. It was so obvious.

Kristy was just plowing her way through guys.

I'm not even sure I want to know what Mary Anne's deal is.

And me? I was trying to pick up Kristy's leftovers.

Cary had the right idea. I don't need this shit.