CHAPTER 5: Dawn

I hate my life.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

All Morgan does is scream. All day. Everyday. Unless he's eating or sleeping. But getting him to sleep is almost impossible.

I know it's not his fault he has colic. It's got to be something I've done. But I just don't get why.

I took my prenatals everyday. I only eat all natural, whole foods and organic vegetables, which is almost impossible to do out here. I drink almond milk and I quit smoking pot the day I left L.A.

If I had known I was pregnant before I left, I would have quit sooner but whatever. You can't change the past. All you can do is keep moving towards the future and that's what I'm trying to do.

But I'm always tired now. And my hair keeps falling out.

I miss L.A.

I miss warm weather.

I miss the ocean and the traffic and being able to get high quality everything whenever I want.

Nobody gets how hard this is.

My mom thinks she does because she had two kids but she also had a housekeeper, a husband, and she was out of college.

She has no idea how embarrassing it is to be another teenage pregnancy statistic. How awkward it is knowing that you have a half-sister that is barely three years older than your son. She has no idea how hard it is knowing that you're completely on your own because the douchebag that knocked you up is a spoiled rich kid who wouldn't know responsibility if it kicked him in the face. The father of her children still takes care of his kids. He has a job and he's a really great dad. There's no way she can understand how much it hurts to know that I've disappointed both him and her.

It's so frustrating not being able to call Jason up and just tell him about Morgan. I called him once and he was all, "Hey Dawn! We're having the most bitchingest party ever! You should be here! We're fundraising for the next PETA protest!"

I'd already been out of the state for a month. But of course he wouldn't have noticed.

The unfairness of it is that Sunny sleeps with pretty much every surfer that tells her she's beautiful. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Some of them haven't bathed in forever. You can smell their b.o. from across the room. But she just takes a couple extra chugs out of her flask and goes for it.

The one guy I date, the son of one of Maggie's dad's friends, the one who graduated school early and is on his way to UC Berkeley to major in Environmental Science (and is going to have his dad produce a documentary on the effects of unfamiliar microbacteria in the Amazon river), gets me knocked up after we've been dating for over six months.

I can't even say the sex was good. Half the time I was stoned out of my mind and not even really sure what was going on.

And now I have a screaming two month old. I can't leave the house. I can't go to school. I wake up to his screaming.

I do love him. I know I do.

But I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. And nobody fucking gets it.