Considering the events of the past few months, it's hard to believe that Tony and I are going to raise another child together. Billy doesn't belong to either of us—he's Tony's ex-neighbor's grandson—but he is like I imagine Tony was as a little boy: cute, bright, and mischievous, with big brown puppy-dog eyes.

Tony/Anthony never showed up at the Presidential Suite of the Hidden Hollow Motel, but then I guess I knew he never would. I was hurt, but maybe it's for the best. And I was touched and amused by Anthony's postcard. I haven't brought it up, waiting to see if Tony would. But he hasn't.

That last line, about "missing and mything" me. I think he meant that now Ingrid will just be a memory, a treasured memory, but of a fantasy. What we had never quite existed. It was like a myth, a fairy-tale. That isn't what I hoped it would grow into, but all things considered, it could've ended more unhappily.

In a sense, I've forgiven him. I could probably never again be romantically involved with him, as either Angela & Tony, with the promise of the future, or as Ingrid & Anthony, with the echoes of the past, but he is still, in some sense, my Tony. I realized this when Sam didn't want to come home from the dude ranch.

She said she really loved it there and she didn't want to return to Connecticut and start at Ridgemont College. She's 18, an adult now, but that doesn't mean that she isn't still Tony's little girl. And I guess she's my little girl, too, because when Tony planned to fly to New Mexico, we both automatically assumed I'd join him. And then we realized, he's with Kathleen, he shouldn't be traveling with me. But Mother wanted to go, too, I think mostly for the sunshine and the cowboys, so it wouldn't be like Tony and I would be going alone.

In fact, when I called Michael to let him know I'd be out of town for an indefinite period (since I didn't know how long it would take to talk sense into Sam), he suggested I invite Jonathan to join us.

"Jonathan?"

"Yeah, he still talks about Sam like she's his big sister. He misses her, although he'd kill me if I told you that."

"Michael, that's very sweet, but we're not really—"

"And it's only an hour and a half by plane from LA to Albuerque."

"Yes, but you see—"

"Come on, Angela, I'll even pay for his flight if you want."

Then I got it. Maybe he just wanted to give his son a treat, but I think he needed a break from two months of nonstop fatherhood.

"Well, all right then. If he wants to go."

"I'll call him to the phone."

So I suggested it to Jonathan, who said, "A dude ranch? That sounds like fun! It'll be like camp years ago, riding horses and everything."

I hadn't realized he'd enjoyed camp so much. We didn't send him again, since he started visiting Michael in the summers. But he'll be fifteen next summer and that might be a little too old to start up again.

Tony was happy when I told him Jonathan would be joining us. He's missed Jonathan, as have I, but obviously it was "our eldest" that was our main focus just then.

When we got to the ranch, we discovered that it wasn't just the job and the scenery that had enchanted Sam. She's fallen in love, with a 21-year-old cowboy named Matt! She wanted to stay, maybe go to college there. And they're engaged!

Tony had trouble restraining his temper. I did my best to soothe him, although I suppose it is no longer my place to touch his arm when he starts to yell. (When Matt met me, he assumed I was Kathleen. You know, a blonde with Tony.) I tried to be the voice of reason that Tony wanted me to be, but soon I started yelling, too: "Now pack your bags! We are taking your teenage butt home!"

I think what most upset me was when Sam pointed out that I had married at 18. As if that's an example to emulate! When I ran off to the Southwest, it was the result of infatuation and inexperience. And Brian and I came to our senses in time. (Well, sort of. We were still unknowingly married for another twenty years, but at least we didn't spend our lives together.)

It was Mother who brought Sam to her senses, putting her Psychology degree and ability to manipulate people to good use. She told me on the flight home that she pointed out that Matt could take good care of Sam, as Tony has. Well, Sam is a very independent young woman, so she didn't like that at all. She was still engaged to Matt and she still finished out the summer at the ranch, but she would be coming home.

Jonathan flew back to LA, while Tony, Mother, and I returned to Connecticut. The family would be reunited soon, although Sam planned to move into the dorms if there were still vacancies. At least we wouldn't lose her entirely, not yet.

After Tony brought in our bags, and I tried not to think of our returns from other vacations, family and not family-friendly, he told me, "It was really nice spending time with you again." I enjoyed it, too, but Peter and Kathleen had both left messages on the answering machine. Perhaps Tony and I were again, or could become, best friends, but it couldn't be like before.

Soon after that, I broke up with Peter. He was getting too serious. I liked him but that was the last thing I needed right then. I just wanted to go out and have fun, forget about Tony a little. The problem was Tony felt guilty about Kathleen and so he entered a new phase, where he wanted me to go on dates whenever he had a date. I couldn't take the pressure and started faking dates, pretending I was going out but staying home and working.

And then Mother invited me out to her favorite jazz club, the Downbeat. And it changed my life! I finally understood, after years of Mother and Tony telling me, how important it is to have fun, to be free. Of course, they didn't react well. Mother resented taking up the slack at work, and as for Tony, hm.

I was wearing an orange jungle-print dress my last night at the Downbeat. And I got up and sang "Fever." I've always been shy about singing in public, and I only managed it with Tony and the Dreamtones because he was there with me. Yet I wasn't alone onstage at the club. I realized, I had Ingrid with me, my bold, daring, sexy side.

Then Mother dragged me out into the alley to talk sense into me. I saw that I'd gone overboard, yet I didn't entirely regret it. After Mother went back in, Tony came out and we chatted on a crate. He compared me to a sports car that only goes into first or fifth gear. Maybe that's the key, to find a self that is somewhere between mousy Angela and wild Ingrid.

I couldn't help asking what he thought of my performance. He said it was "sweet." I couldn't let him deny the Ingridness, even if we don't say her name anymore. So I teasingly sang "Fever" to him. He told me to cut it out, "This is a very respectable alley." And I knew, Anthony wasn't dead. Ingrid & Anthony weren't dead. But Tony couldn't allow them back into our lives.

And perhaps that was for the best. He was still seeing Kathleen. There was even a point when he seemed like he might marry her, but it didn't work out. He told me school and "things" got in the way.

But now I'm seeing a very nice doctor, I mean dating a very nice doctor, named Andy. Perhaps Tony and I will never both be single at the same time again. But we don't have to be involved with each other to raise a child together. Even before Ingrid & Anthony reentered our lives, we were raising Samantha and Jonathan.

I don't know how long Billy will be staying with us. His grandmother is too ill to take care of him. What if she doesn't recover? What if Tony wants to adopt him? I could hardly join in the adoption. We're not a real couple. But I would help him, as I am now.

And, yes, there is still the question of what happens once Tony is done with college, no longer my housekeeper but a teacher. Having Kathleen out of his life hasn't changed that future. Would Tony move out, taking Billy with him? (Sam did move into a dormitory, but she still comes home often.) I would miss both Tony and Billy.

Or could they stay on? Maybe Tony could be my housemate rather than my employee. Billy would live here as long as he needs to. I suppose I would have to get another housekeeper, but there's room. Not a man this time. Maybe some sweet grandmotherly type. She could have Sam's room.

But what if Billy's grandmother recovers by then? I suppose Tony and I could manage the house between us, particularly since Jonathan will finish high school the year after Tony finishes college, having skipped the sixth grade. If there are no longer any children to take care of, then our lives would be simplified.

Except that would leave me and Tony alone in this house, with no more excuses to not be together. Is that what we want? Or would we try to avoid it, try to be platonic housemates, only to have Ingrid & Anthony move right in? After all, they're likely going to want to celebrate their thirtieth anniversary.

Well, Anthony's spirit told me at the Hidden Hollow Motel to not worry about the future, to not dwell on the past. My experience at the Downbeat showed me how important it is to embrace the present. There is so much good in my life, and Tony is part of that, whatever he has been and will be to me.

And meanwhile, there is Andy. He's smart, hard-working, witty, and a good cook, although not in Tony's league of course. I'm not worrying about the future with him either. I'm not trying to keep things from getting serious, like with Peter, but I'm not trying to make things more serious than they should be, like with Geoffrey. I'm just trying to appreciate him for who he is. No, he's not Tony, or Anthony, but that's perfectly fine. I can kiss Andy and not worry about how it will change our lives. After the turmoil of the past six years, seven if you count that last year "with" Michael (when he was mostly absent and we'd fight whenever we saw each other), you can't imagine how nice it is to just be contented.