Hello, dears! I'm back after a short pause of getting my other story off the ground (if you're into DirkJake, I've started one, and it's on my profile page) so now we can go back to switching! First things first, I have love to give, so let's get started. PantherKing64, I also liked the Strider cuddling! I'm not sick anymore, so that's a thing! *drowns in hearts* Team Valdez, ahhh, I always try so hard with the Striders, thank you for saying mine are spot on! Kira-Lime Orijima, hehehe *pets* You silly thing. Winged Illusion, I try for overall cuteness, haha. Thanks for your feedback, love! Rai Rai Blue, sloth Gamzee fanart needs to be a thing! I knew you'd like the couch scenes! I AM VERY HAPPY ABOUT YOUR QUOTES LIST! Will you make another collage? :3 darkestlight96, are you insinuating I'm going to make problems for our dear boys on their journey? What kinda sadist do you take me for?! *laughs maniacally* On with the story!
Dashboard
(Modest Mouse)
[Well, it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know. Oh, the dashboard melted but we still have the radio.]
You're Dave Strider, and life just ain't fair.
Here you are, second day of John's summer break, and instead of relaxing in bed with said nerd, you're awake and packing for a trip you really couldn't give two shits about. As if that's not bad enough, there are still two uninvited assholes in your house, and you're pretty sure one of them inspired this little trip. You're not trying to blame anyone here, but Jake fucking English is on your list of people to have a few words with. None of this shit even came up until John talked to him last night while you were asleep.
John's busy cramming clothes into a suitcase. You've been done for a few minutes, and he keeps giving you these little glances like he can't tell what you're thinking, but you know better than that. More like he already knows what you're thinking, and is trying to figure out a way to apologize for the whole thing. Really though, he doesn't need to. Yeah, you're bummed out about your ever packed schedule, but he didn't make you volunteer to go with them. You could just let him go alone. But what's funny is even if you think that, you know deep down that you really couldn't let him go without you, and you think he knows that, which is probably the cause of the kicked puppy look.
"Hey, Dave?" he asks suddenly. "Are you okay?"
"Me? Yeah, I'm fucking peachy, bro. Getting ready to hit the road and whatnot, how about you?"
"It's just that you have that sour look on your face that says you're not okay…"
"My face is literally the opposite of sour. I'm not even emoting. As far as I can feel, my face is stiff like I just got Botox, so I don't see what you're talking about, Egbert. Methinks thou art delusional."
"Okay, no. If you're mad, Dave, you don't have to go," he frowns at you.
"We both know that's a sack of shit."
"Why are you being grumpy about this now? I told you last night!"
"Because I was half asleep and now I'm not, and it's just looking like more and more of a bad idea, but since I already agreed to said bad idea, I'm just gonna deal with it."
John sighs and throws his hands in the air for a second before he turns to cross the room. You look down at him when he's directly in front of you, blue eyes wide and innocent-looking, and you just know you're in for it when he lays it on thick like that.
"Don't be mad at me, Dave," he says quietly.
"I'm not mad at you. And I'm not mad at Karkat. Or anything, really. Just this fucked up situation that is my life, and the fact that I'm helpless to stop anything. My life is a train wreck."
"I think that's a little dramatic."
"No, John, I've lost control of my life."
He grins and stands on his tiptoes to kiss you, and in spite of yourself, you smirk against his lips. It's kind of impossible to stay grumpy with John Egbert macking on you. Not that you aren't giving it your best effort.
"Sorry I get you into these shenanigans," he says.
"I don't think anyone else should get me into shenanigans but you." You ruffle his hair and cross the room to finish zipping his suitcase. "Are you almost ready, or are you gonna pack the whole bathroom?"
"Oh, shut up, asshole. You packed way more than I did!"
"Yeah, but I was also done before you. Besides, you'll be begging for my lotion before this is all over with."
"We don't all have baby skin."
"See, you're trying to insult me, but all I hear is how fucking smooth you think my skin is."
He rolls his eyes at you and goes to retrieve something else, and you slip out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to find Jake at the stove.
"Oh, no. No, no, no. You're not using our stove. I've heard stories. I've seen the aftermath. Get the fuck away from there before you hurt yourself, or most importantly, hurt me."
"Heavens, Dave, calm down, would you? I'm not cooking anything; I'm just trying to reach the coffee filters!" Jake says good-naturedly. You move forward to help him, scowling when he thanks you.
"So, English," you start, "this little road trip has your weird accent laced all up in it. You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with John's sudden epiphany, would you?"
His wide green eyes look up at you, the embodiment of innocence, but you are trained in this area. John has the same look when he's about to piss you the fuck off.
"I simply spoke to him about it and did my best to help him feel better! I don't understand why that would get your knickers in a twist."
"Shit, I knew it. You guys can't ever come here without fucking my life up in some way. Just couldn't get enough of that in Texas, huh? You had to bring your meddling ways to California, too. Thanks for that, really. Now I have to spend the next couple of days wanting to rip my ears off. You're really just too nice to me." You click your teeth at his wounded expression. "Can't you just keep fucking up my bro's life and leave mine alone?"
If you didn't know any better, you'd think he looked upset by what you're saying.
"Oh. I'm sorry, I had no idea you felt that way," he says quietly, setting the coffee filters on the counter without getting one out.
Okay, what? He's not…
"Hey. Jake?" you observe his expression carefully, sensing dread.
"I only wanted to help…" Jake says, beginning to turn on his heel. He looks like he's about to cry. And if he cries, and goes to your brother, you're fucking dead. Sensing your immediate demise radiating in the future from the irrefutable smack-down that will be bestowed on your sorry ass if you don't fix this, you grab his shoulder and make him look at you.
"I- Okay, look, I didn't mean that, I'm just grumpy. So don't worry about anything I just said, it's null and void. Okay? We cool?"
He opens his mouth when Dirk walks in the room. You watch your brother observe the scene with a frown, and then he leans against the fridge.
"Something wrong?" he asks in that formidable voice of his, and you turn to Jake with as close to a pleading expression as your face will allow.
"No, we're just having a friendly discussion," Jake says. "Unless there was still an issue?"
"Nah, I'm cool. Totally cool. Me and Signor Vaudeville here are through with our friendly discussion."
"Vaudeville!" Jake exclaims. "Hardly so!"
"Pip pip de doodly doo," you say, and he swats at you with a grin before leaving the room, presumably to find John.
"Oh, man," Dirk says. "I knew John had you whipped, but I didn't know Jake did, too."
"What are you talking about?" you grumble.
"That's his get out of jail free card, bro. He does it all the time. When he's in trouble, it's either the puppy face, or a 'scrum' as he says." Dirk shakes his head. "You're hopeless."
"No. I've just lost control of my life," you reiterate.
"So you're leaving for a few days. You sure that's a good idea? It's kinda close to the wedding."
"It's not me, it's John. His hero shit. Karkat put the nerd symbol in the air, and he's answering the call." You mumble unintelligibly before continuing, "And I'm along for the adventure."
"You don't have to go."
"That's bullshit, and you know it."
Dirk grins, "Yeah, I guess I do know that. Do what you gotta do, lil' bro. We'll hold down the fort till you get back."
"Yeah, yeah."
"And for future reference. Don't be a dick to my husband because you're a grumpy shit. If you weren't leaving so soon, I'd kick your ass."
"Yeah, yeah."
John walks in with Jake in tow, both of them giggling at something like school girls, and if that's not unsettling as fuck, you don't know what is.
"Ready to go?" John asks with a smile. You shoot another pointed look at Jake, who shrugs innocently, and go to grab your bag. As you slip into the car, John in the driver's seat, you send Jake a message.
-turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:03-
TG: youre actually a horrible person if you think about it
TG: acting like youre crying to get out of trouble and shit
TG: if thats not grade school drama class at work i dont know what else it could be
GT: Are you *still* upset?
TG: no
TG: upset isnt the word for it
GT: I believe youre still grumpy and time away might do you some good!
TG: if its the last thing i do im getting you back for this
TG: you can fucking mark my words on that asshole
GT: Alright, that's it. When you get back, it's fuckin' on.
Oh no. You've been intercepted.
TG: shit bro no
GT: Hope you're able to stand up when you make your vows, because this is going in the books as the moment you learned what a strife really is.
TG: fuck
GT: Be safe on your trip. Can't have you hurting yourself before I do it for you.
TG: bro cmon i wasnt being serious this is mass amounts unfair
GT: I warned you about being a dick, man.
-golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:09-
TG: jesus fucking christ i hate you both so much
-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:09-
"You okay over there?" John asks.
"I think I just inadvertently killed myself. You're gonna be a widow."
"Oh, that's cool. Can I have your stuff?"
"You wound me, babe."
"Hehe, I'm sure it'll be fine, whatever it is."
"I may or may not have taken some stress out on English this morning."
"Yeah, he told me you were being a jerk. Or I think that's the gist of what he was saying, at least. He didn't call you a jerk outright, but I don't remember the actual word he said," John says.
"And Bro may or may not have caught me harassing him through Pesterchum just now," you inform him.
"Okay, yeah, You're pretty dead. Hey, if he kills you, make sure it's after we're married. I need your life insurance!"
"Jesus fuck, I'm marrying a gold digger. Who woulda thunk it?"
John laughs his boisterous laugh that always makes you feel better in spite of yourself, and reaches over the glove box to thread his fingers through yours.
"Do you feel better now that you bullied Jake for no reason?"
"No. In my defense, I don't think about half the shit I say, and I forget people can still take me seriously. So if I'm ever a dick, it's usually unintended."
"Well everyone pretty much knows that. Jake didn't really take offense to it, you know."
"Bro told me. Fucking fake crying, who does that shit?"
"Hehehe, who do you think I got it from? It really does work on you, too! I guess Striders aren't as cool and invulnerable as everyone thinks if a few tears can mess with them!"
"Just for that, you're out of my will."
"Oh what, I don't get the sole possession of your army of body lotion? How will I go on?"
"Ashy skinned as fuck, I'd wager."
Your playful banter continues as John navigates through the city. It's only a little after eleven, but that's the perfect time to try and get anywhere in this cluster-fuck place, after the morning rush and right before lunch. You only hope Karkat is in an okay mood today, because you'd hate to be trapped in a car with him if he was being unnecessarily hostile.
Wait, who are you kidding? You fucking love when he's unnecessarily hostile. But usually only if you're the one making him that way. Who could blame you, really? Messing with the guy is just too much fun. As if sensing your line of thought, John turns to you as he parks the car outside Karkat's apartment complex.
"Go easy with the insults directed at Karkat, okay? I know you're like the biggest sadist ever in that department, but he's going through a hard time, and it wouldn't kill you to be considerate!"
"You're trying to take away the one joy I'll have this entire trip. That's unfair. That is so unfair that I don't even feel right putting the word 'fair' in it, even if it's with the prefix 'un'. What the fuck am I supposed to do for the next- fuck, four days?"
"I don't know, pick on Gamzee or something."
"He doesn't even care though! John, you're killing me."
"You can always go home and deal with Dirk."
Grumbling unintelligibly, you fling unceremoniously from the car and hunch over as you begin walking toward the building. John comments that you look like a walking stick when you move like this, and you flip him off. Karkat is already carrying a case out of his apartment when you get up there, and he eyes the two of you walking up to him.
"About fucking time," he says, but you see it. Holy fuck, you see it. Karkat Vantas, loud mouthed, insult-wielding, balls busting Karkat Vantas is wearing a smile that says he's nothing but eternally grateful to have company. And if that doesn't make you feel like even more of an asshole.
"Hey, sorry, Dave was picking fights with people and we got sidetracked. Is Gamzee already here?" John asks, fist-bumping Karkat's free hand.
"He's packing something suspiciously shaped in the trunk of my car," Karkat says, heading towards the elevator. "You guys didn't pack a shit-ton, right? Because I know Princess Strider here packs more beauty products than a prepubescent girl, but it's not fitting in my car."
"I'll have you know, ass-muncher, that I packed way less than John did. So you can fucking suck it," you say.
"What-fucking-ever. I highly doubt the two of you packed as much as Gamzee anyways. Get my phone charger off the counter and get out here, we have to go." And with that, he's inside the elevator, going down. John turns to you with a happy grin.
"I guess I'll go help cram our stuff in his car. Will you grab the charger?"
"Yeah, yeah. Charger duty. I'm on this shit," you say, venturing inside the apartment. You find Sollux sitting on the couch wrapped in a fluffy blanket, burrito style. "How are you not burning up?" you ask him.
"I feel like literal shit," Sollux sniffs. "I think it's my allergies or- or something-" he cuts off in a sneezing fit, and you grimace at him.
"Jesus, dude, you're a mess."
"This sucks so hard. I've got work to do, and all I want to do is become one with this couch."
"Oh, c'mon just take some Claritin or something."
"My goal in life is to be Mrs. This Couch, Dave. Don't fucking ruin this for me," Sollux says, inching forward on the cushions and looking so much like a caterpillar that you can't help but laugh at him.
"Want me to message Tavros and have him come help you? He's shitty at programming, but I'm sure he can make you soup or something."
"Yes, please," Sollux mumbles into the cushions. "Tell him to roll on over…hehe…"
"You're going to hell, bro," you say as you head for the door. "I'll shoot him a message. Don't die in the short amount of time it takes for him to get here. Just keep being a caterpillar on its way to being a beautiful butterfly."
"Go fuck yourself, please."
"You're a beautiful and one of a kind butterfly, man. It's you."
His arms emerge from the blanket to chuck a pillow at you, but you're already out the door.
Outside, John's cramming your case on top of his, and Karkat's interrogating Gamzee about his luggage.
"I'm telling you, brother, it's shit we need," Gamzee says, shooting you a crooked grin as you approach.
"If these bags are full of drugs, so help me I will fucking end you. Do you understand me? That's all I need is to go to prison for the rest of my life because your stupid traveling pharmacy gets us all pulled over in east Jesus nowhere."
"It ain't like that, goddamn. Just get your motherfuckin' chill on, bro. It's all fine and dandy."
"Done!" John's voice calls as he walks back around the car, looking very much like he just lost the battle with the luggage. "It took forever, but it's safely in the trunk."
"Alright, cool. Which of us is driving first?" you ask.
"Gamzee," Karkat says. "I call shotgun, just in case either of you nook-suckers decided you wanted it."
Rolling your eyes, you join John in the backseat, and immediately roll your window down.
"I think we should pass a car rule," you say, "that Karkitty doesn't drive at all this trip."
"And why the fuck shouldn't I drive my own goddamn car?" Karkat asks, turning to look at you.
"Because you have road rage worse than Mel Gibson in the fucking Road Warrior movies, and I don't want to die or get maimed by some poor asshole you happen to piss off by shouting profanities at. I think it's a good rule to my self-preservation."
"I don't have road rage, Jesus baby-munching Christ, I've gone like five years with no ticket; I am the best driver in the history of drivers."
"Dude, you don't get tickets because I'm pretty sure you verbally debase the cops till they cry and run away."
"Shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear you over my music," Karkat grumbles, starting the first of many shitty songs to come.
"Also," you say over the music just to bother him, ignoring the look John gives you, "I think whoever is up front is in charge of the music. Which means I'm driving like all the time."
"There's nothing wrong with my music!"
"Katy Perry? Really? You don't see what's wrong with this?"
"She's attractive and spunky!"
"Fuckin' A, John. Kill me now," you sigh, slumping into your seat. John pats your thigh with a grin, and you pull your phone out. "Also, Sollux is dying. Thought you should know."
"He's not dying, he's just sick. He'll do what he always does when his allergies incapacitate him, which is make a fuckton of tea and put ungodly amounts of honey in it, and then melt into our couch while whining pitifully. He'll probably call me five times a day to complain about something. Those meds he takes make him loopy as hell," Karkat says.
"I'm sending Tavros to play nurse," you say, and Gamzee tosses you a goofy grin.
"Tavros makes a killer pie, my man. You should ask him to cook that shit up for my allergy ridden brother."
"Will do," you say, already typing.
-turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering adiosToreador at 11:58-
TG: hey comma chameleon
TG: i have a mission for you
TG: if you choose to accept you will be responsible for someone elses shitty life which is a pretty rad responsibility
TG: you in
AT: uHHH,
AT: wHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
TG: sollux is sick
AT: oH,
AT: tHAT'S AWFUL,
TG: see this is where you come in wheels mcgee
TG: need you to go take care of him
TG: butter him up and whatnot make sure he doesnt overdose on honey
TG: can you do that
AT: yEAHHH, BUT COULD YOU MAYBE NOT CALL ME WHEELS MCGEE,
TG: i literally call you worse things all the time
AT: yOU DO,
TG: not to your face
AT: oHHH,
TG: so youre gonna play nurse thats cool
TG: also gamzee says to make him a pie
AT: gAMZEE SAID THAT,
TG: no i made it up for no goddamn reason
TG: jesus fuck
AT: oKAY I'LL GO NOW,
AT: bUT I REALLY THINK YOU'RE JUST THE WORST, WHEN YOU'RE IN ONE OF YOUR MOODS,
AT: jUST SO YOU KNOW THAT,
TG: so ive been told
AT: lATER, THEN,
-adiosToreador ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:07-
TG: goddamn you type like a fucking asshole i swear to god
-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering adiosToreador at 12:07-
"Message sent," you announce.
"Great, do you want a cookie or something for a job well-done?" Karkat asks sarcastically, and you kick his seat. John reaches over to swat your thigh, and then grabs your hand in his, giving you the biggest smile.
You know it means a great deal to Karkat to have the two of you along on the trip, and you're glad you can help your friend out in his time of need, but you also know it means the entire world to John to have you here, in this tiny backseat with him.
And really, that's all the incentive you needed to agree to come along for the ride.
[Well, we scheme and we scheme, but we always blow it! We've yet to crash, but we still might as well tow it. Standing at a light switch to each east and west horizon. Every dawn you're surprising, and in the evening one's consoling. Saying, "see it wasn't quite as bad as". Well it would've been, could've been worse than you will ever know!]
Sachi: I can't wait to get into their respective playlists. I'm giving them all a unique taste in music, and don't any of you start with me about Karkat liking modern pop and techno. He fucking eats that shit up, and you will never convince me otherwise. He's probably a One Direction fan, too. Review for love, my pets!