Hello, dears! Betcha thought I was dead with this story! WELL I'M NOT. I just got a little distracted is all! Plus this really is more of a "summer" story, since TDSAT was written last summer, so there's a method to my madness. Anywho, let's get on with the love! Team Valdez, yay! darkestlight96, they cannot help their goofball disease. Rai Rai Blue, Dave is a little shit, we all know that! And you're welcome! Kira-Lime Orijima, YES I GOT ONE BEFORE LEO POOR LEO BBY. CanadianCold, thank you! Shenanigans is the keyword for this story! Nothing is going to be straightforward. NOTHING I SAY. Tsabaku and Light, more trolls will come up, most definitely. And sorry for the wait, dear! Now, ON WITH THE STORY. (Dave's chapters are always lengthy.)
Leif Erikson
(Interpol)
[She says It helps with the lights out. Her rabid glow is like braille to the night. She swears I'm a slave to the details, but if your life is such a big joke, why should I care?]
Open road, wind in your hair, John beside you with his stupid little grin. Oh yes, you could get used to this.
"Strider, when the everloving fuck are you going to stop this car? I'd like to be able to sit up front, and I don't think it's too much to ask of you, since, you know, I own the goddamn thing."
You're Dave Strider, and you almost forgot about the assholes in the backseat.
"No, man. See, offering your car as the mode of transportation didn't earn you anything extra. I'm driving until I get the urge to be attacked by someone you happen to piss off by raving at or flipping off or something, which won't be anytime soon," you say. Karkat huffs in exasperation.
"Oh, right, I forgot we all have to play by Princess Fuckwit's rules or he gets his panties in a twist."
"Don't talk about my panties, man. That's incognito shit."
"Fuck me sideways, are you actually wearing panties?"
"That's for me to know and John to find out."
"He is," John supplies helpfully. "They're pink with little bows."
"Would've pegged you as a lace man, bro," Gamzee says. "All up and drowning in red lace and G-strings."
"Nah, I don't need to be outright saucy and daring. Pink adds the hint of innocence in there. I need that for the added mystery."
"The only fucking mystery here is why we're having this conversation," Karkat mumbles. "And what the hell are we listening to?"
"The Postal Service," you say, reaching over to turn it up.
"It's putting me to sleep," Karkat continues. "Isn't there anything half decent on your playlist?"
"No. Everything is 100% decent. I don't have time to halfass do shit, Karkitty. I'm a man of action."
"You're a man of retard."
"John, he's making your blushing bride to be tear up like a fuckin' moe. I demand to know how you're gonna defend my honor."
"I could always punch him," John says. "But that wouldn't be practical."
"Not to mention I'd tear your fucking head off if you touched me," Karkat supplies helpfully.
"I think I'd look cool headless," John says. "Sort of mysterious and scary."
"I don't think you could ever be scary, man," you say. "But if you were headless, it'd be a waste."
"Waste?"
"I'm kinda enamored with your face."
"Motherfuckin' smooth," Gamzee says as he tries to light a cigarette. "Hey, could y'all roll up the windows for a sec? Brother's got a massive need to get his motherfuckin' smoke on, but the wind's making it all up and impossible."
You do as he asked and press the button right as the next song comes on. Karkat groans from the back.
"And what the fuck is this one?" he asks.
"'Play' by iamamiwhoami," you say like it's common sense.
"Should've known, what a shocker," Karkat scowls. "Total gibberish, makes perfect fucking sense. Hey, Gamzee, don't you think I should've known that? Seems obvious, right?"
"I think it's pretty chill," Gamzee says. "I'm always up for being knowledgeable about music."
"At least you're up to being knowledgeable about something," Karkat mumbles. Gamzee grins and wraps a lanky arm around him. You think John's being a little quiet, and when you glance at him, you see why. He's on his phone, messaging someone. You put your hand on his thigh.
"Who is it now?"
"Jake," he says.
"And what's jungle boy saying?"
"Nothing about you," John grins. "We're talking about movies."
"Sometimes I feel like you tell me that so I won't know you're actually mad sexting over there."
"Oh, yeah. We're comparing dick sizes right now, and in a minute we're simulating date night," John says, giving you a wink. "It's Jake, dude. I don't think he knows what sexting is."
"He's married to my brother," you say. "I'm pretty sure he's contaminated."
"Speaking of your brother," John says, "he found your cabinet of dead things."
"Shit."
"Cabinet of dead things?" Karkat asks incredulously.
"Dead things in jars," you defend. "For science."
"Bullshit, you just like how they look," John says. "But they're in the cabinet because having dead things preserved anywhere screams maniac, and it's bad press."
"No, no, hang on here," Karkat interrupts. "Dead things in jars? Are you actually a serial killer waiting to happen?"
"Yeah. And I target short assholes with a vast amount of complexes."
"The only complex I have right now is restraining myself from reaching up and turning the steering wheel to drive us right the fuck into a tree. And what the hell are we listening to now?"
"Broken Social Scene."
"Broken like my eardrums."
John is laughing next to you, typing something else into his phone. There's always a small pang of jealousy whenever he talks to Jake for one of their two hour long chat sessions. Not because you think he'd leave you for Jake or some shit. No one leaves a Strider. It bothers you because they have so much to talk about all the time, and have way too much in common. Not that you can ever talk about this with anyone. Dirk tells you to shut up and grow a pair whenever you bring it up. And hell, if the JakeJohn friendship doesn't bother Dirk, you suppose it shouldn't bother you either. But still. It kinda does.
"Hey, douche lord," Karkat says, kicking John's seat, "what the fuck are you giggling about up there? It's unsettling."
"Jake is bitching about Dirk," John says.
Okay, this just took a turn from slightly jealous to very interested. "What's he saying?" you ask, feigning nonchalance. John sees through it though. He always does.
"They have plans to go sightseeing today, since we live so close to Hollywood," John explains. "But Dirk is still in the shower. I'm helping Jake come up with a plan to get him to hurry up."
"What sort of plan?"
"Jake may or may not have just tossed a bunch of cold water over the shower curtain."
"Oh, shit," you laugh. "Bro's gonna kick his ass."
"Jake says he's screaming. Okay, Dirk is really pissed. Uh- Jake's chumhandle just went dark," John says.
"Well, there goes your twin," Karkat says. "One less moron in the world to worry about."
"He'll be fine," John grins, putting his phone away. "I'm sure Dirk won't break anything."
Things are quiet for a while, aside from Karkat's continuous chants of "What the fuck are we listening to?" at every song. After a few hours driving, you start to fidget in your seat, your driving leg numb. John pats your leg and tells you to pull over, that he'll drive for a bit. You acquiesce, and as you walk around the car to get in the passenger's seat, John climbs over the glove box to take the wheel.
"How long have we been on the road," you ask, stretching your arms over your head and observing the night sky from your window.
"About nine hours," John says. "We probably need to stop for gas soon."
"When we stop, I'm driving," Karkat grumbles. "Neither of you have this fucking behemoth using you as a pillow."
Turning, you see Gamzee's lanky frame tilting entirely on Karat, almost shoving the store manager against the window. You waggle your eyebrows at him and grin when he flips you off. Your phone starts to chime, interrupting The Pixies. Telling John he can hook up his music, you unhook yours and check your latest pesters; one is from Sollux, and the other is from Rose.
-twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:22-
TA: hey,
TA: ii have a que2tiion.
TG: okay then
TG: lemme hear it
TA: do you have any iidea where the holy fuck kk ii2?
TG: dude what
TA: kk ii2 mii22iing.
TA: ii cant fiind hiim and tavro2 iis here and he2 no help.
TG: karkat is with us dipshit
TG: were going to his family drama remember
TG: this literally just happened today
TG: also
TG: why would you message me and not karkat himself
TA: oh riight, ii forgot ii could do that.
TG: so
TG: already loopy from the allergy medications huh
TA: what, no.
TA: fuck you.
TA: get your a22 back here and briing my boyfriiend wiith you.
TG: trust me id love to but im kinda stuck in the passenger seat of this derailment that is my life
TG: my life is a series of detours and u turns
TG: interstate ramps that lead nowhere and a big sweaty guy in the drivers seat who smells suspiciously like gorgonzola
TG: only not really because john is in the drivers seat and i like how he smells most of the time
TA: je2u2 ii forget 2ometiimes how much ii hate your rambliing but then you do thiing2 liike thi2.
TA: ii dont want to hear about john, diick2hiit.
TG: too bad because im continuing to talk about him
TG: im waxing poetry here
TG: my goal is to now make you uncomfortable
TA: good luck wiith that. my comfort meter ii2 exceptiionally hiigh.
TG: oh dude whatever you totally freaked out once because this chick was talking about her nipples at the lunch table
TA: iit wa2 unsettliing.
TG: girl nipples or nipples in general
TA: iin general.
TG: have I ever told you how much i love johns nipples
TA: ii am ending thii2 conver2atiion.
TG: no man im getting in my element here you gotta hear me out
TG: the element of johns nipples
TA: one day iim goiing two beat the 2hiit out of you, but today ii2 not that day becau2e ii cant 2ee 2traiight.
TA: 2o well contiinue thii2 later.
TG: its a date then
TG: pester karkat he could probably use the distraction
TG: but no sexting in my presence
TA: wow, hey, youve got joke2 that no one thiink2 are funny. iim 2extiing hiim now.
TG: nudes?
TA: you know iit.
TG: i wouldnt do that if the goal is to get him hard
TG: no one wants to see your pasty white body
TA: pot, kettle.
TG: ouch
TA: al2o ii wanted two a2k how kk ii2.
TG: hes fine
TA: fiine liike how you thiink everythiing ii2 fiine ,or fiine liike you actually thiink 2o?
TG: i dont think everything is fine
TA: 2ure.
TG: what the fuck does that mean
TA: iit mean2 what iit mean2.
TG: well that explains everything
TA: ii have two go now.
TA: kk sent me a diick piic.
TG: deuces
-twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:31-
"Are you messaging Sollux back there?" you ask Karkat.
"Yes."
"He informs me you're sending nudes. I'm impressed, since you're fully clothed."
"It's a talent," Karkat says dismissively. "Now shut the fuck up."
John grins at you while some cheesy pop song from the 90's blares on the speakers, and you check your pesters from Rose, which are apparently verging on being a novel.
-tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21: 20-
TT: Dave, I need to discuss something with you.
TT: Jade informs me that John has recruited the two of you to go to Washington for a few days. You can imagine my concerns, seeing as how in a few days, we'll all be flying to California to see the wedding Kanaya and I have been setting up for you these past few months.
TT: David, I know you're online, stop ignoring my messages or I'll message Dirk and tell him you're insulting Jake again.
TT: Fine, you leave me no choice. I've just informed him that you called Jake a limey piece of shit.
TG: im right here jesus fuck I was messaging sollux
TG: soulless shrew
TG: and you did not tell dirk that
TG: please tell me that is not a thing that happened
TT: Of course not, it was merely a joke.
Before you can respond, your phone chimes again.
-timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:33-
TT: How is it that you're still finding a way to piss me off when you're literally hundreds of miles away by now?
TT: That ass kicking you're getting when you come back is starting to look more and more brutal. You'll have a rough honeymoon, bro.
TG: i didnt even do anything rose is a liar and blasphemer
TT: Sure she is. Your record isn't exactly spotless.
TG: i fucking hate you
TG: i just really really hate you
TT: I care so much about that.
TG: how was that cold shower earlier just by the way
TT: How'd you know about that?
TG: ask jake
-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 21:36-
Scowling, you open up Rose's pesterlog again.
TG: you are just
TG: the worst type of person
TT: What was I supposed to do? John has repeatedly brushed off the subject, and I am fairly certain he blocked Kanaya on Pesterchum.
"Did you block Kanaya?" you ask.
"Yes," John says, turning slightly pink. "She kept messaging too early!"
TG: okay he did but its because she wouldnt stop messaging at the asscrack of dawn
TT: It's no excuse, as far as I'm concerned. But I will wait to reprimand him for it. As for you, I'm more than a little intrigued. Why did you agree to accompany them on this trip? It's unlike you.
TG: you dont know what im like
TT: You are mostly self centered and shrill. Therefore, as previously mentioned, this is unlike you.
TG: fuck you im not shrill
TT: Your shrillness is not the topic of discussion.
TG: youre right
TG: this discussion is about you being a horrible person
TG: you probably got me killed by messaging dirk just now
TT: Why would Dirk take my word on something like that without needing confirmation?
TG: because
TG: i may or may not have already insulted jake today
TG: a few times
TT: Ah, I see. You're doing that thing where you bitch at everyone else because you don't know how to handle frustration properly.
TG: omfg
TG: yes okay yes
TG: you have me so figured out
TG: help me senpai i need your infinite wisdom to become a real member of society
TT: I'm always happy to help. But if we're going the senpai route, I'd appreciate it if you wore the proper kouhai uniform.
TG: im already in my sailor suit
TT: Thigh high stockings?
TG: only the best for you senpai
TT: Good. Senpai is pleased.
TG: but my skirt is a little too short im afraid
TT: No, that's the proper length. The breeze is nature's way of telling you you're showing the right amount of leg.
TG: sweet
TG: as always its been real lalonde
TG: but i gotta go now
TT: I must say, Dave. I am a little disappointed in your lack of rapping lately.
TG: lack of?
TT: It used to be I couldn't message you for a few minutes without getting a screen full of sarcastic half-assed rapping.
TG: ive been busy as if you didnt know
TG: raps dont fall out of the goddamn sky
TT: Are you saying...you've lost your edge?
TG: what
TG: no
TT: Doomed to part ways over the ledge?
TG: rose
TT: Wherefore art thou in the car?
TT: Hiding from thy fears hidden in the dark.
TG: jesus fucking christ
TT: Would you like to know what I miss?
TT: Your forbidden love, your puppet tryst.
TG: i will literally kill you
TT: But there are so many plush lips you have not kissed!
TG: im leaving this conversation
TT: Oh my. It seems I have been dissed.
TG: word
-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 21:48-
Sighing dramatically, you toss your phone in the cup holder. John gives you a sidelong glance and then reaches for your hand, which you gladly give him.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Rose."
"Oh, okay."
"She rapped at me."
"Was she good?"
"Passable."
Laughing, he pulls into the gas station to fill up.
"Are we seriously driving all night?" you ask, groaning as your legs pop from your sudden movements.
"Yes," Karkat says, pocketing his phone as he opens the back door, Gamzee almost flopping out of it. "So you better use the bathroom now, or forever hold it."
Not needing to be told twice, you hop out and follow John inside while Karkat tries to wake Gamzee up with a series of none too gentle slaps to the face. John goes in first, as it's one of those one room deals, and you look longingly at the rows upon rows of junk food. It used to be, you'd eat your weight in sweet stuff and not care about the long term effects, but John is a bit of a health nut these days, and you know he'd glare daggers at you of you got too much. But then again, you think as you stare at the Little Debbie's, you're starting to not care.
As if reading your thoughts, John emerges from the bathroom, and you slip inside without meeting his eyes. The good news, you think to yourself, is that you've only got about six more hours of driving until you're there. The bad news is, you're going to be at Karkat's family's house, and that's more than a little unsettling. Even Sollux hasn't met the freaks, and he's been Karkat's boyfriend for two years now.
"Hurry the fuck up, asshole," Karkat's voice calls, and you grumble to yourself. Never a moment's peace, huh? He rushes in as you exit, and you're face to face with Gamzee, who looks like he really did fall face first on the concrete outside.
"I gots to buy some motherfuckin' Cheetos," he says seriously. "'Cause I'm getting my smoke on when we get back in the car."
"Hope you plan on sharing," you say, observing the Pringles flavors.
"Of course. I can't be all up and motherfuckin' partaking of this most righteous bud and not be willing to offer some best friend hospitality," he says, slinking toward the bathroom as Karkat exits. John is already at the register, paying for gas.
"I vote we get a shit ton of junk food," you say. Karkat ogles you suspiciously.
"And why the fuck should we do that?"
"Because we're gonna be on the road until like 5am. We're gonna need the sugar." Goddamn, you're brilliant. That'll totally work on John, too. Karkat considers this before nodding, and you celebrate a little victory before grabbing as many of the Little Debbie brownies and cakes as you can, Karkat close behind. If there's anything you have in common with the guy, it's the massive sweet tooth. Sure enough, as you head outside, you're both toting bags filled to the brim with junkfood, which John ogles distastefully.
"Dave," he starts.
"We need caffeine and sugar to make our deadline, don't we?" you grin, successfully disarming him. He narrows his eyes at you, but he nods, so you accept this little victory over future doctor health nut John Egbert. Karkat reminds you (loudly) that he's driving, so you get in the backseat, joined by John shortly after.
It's a little while later, pop music blaring on the speakers and John nestled up against you as the two of you share some chips as Gamzee rambles about the circus he went to once when he was five that the car starts to slow down.
"Karkat, what the fuck?" you say, looking around at the empty highway. "Why're we stopping?"
"I'm not doing it on purpose!" Karkat hisses. The music stops and the lights turn off as the car dies. "Fucking dicks on a stick,"he growls, turning the key over and over in the ignition. "It's dead."
"Probably just needs some TLC, bro," Gamzee says helpfully.
"Well of you want to go out there and jam your dick in the car, be my guest, Gamzee," Karkat scowls. "But while you do that, we'll be coming up with a sensible solution."
Gamzee actually makes to get out of the car until John reaches forward and grabs his sleeve, shaking his head. You sigh and sink into your seat while Karkat pulls out his phone.
It's gonna be a longer night than you thought.
[The clock is set for nine, but you know you're gonna make it eight. All the people that you've loved, they're all bound to leave some keepsakes. I've been swinging all the time, think it's time to learn your way. I picture you and me together in the jungle, it will be okay.]
Sachi: Review for love, my babies! Next chapter will be interesting indeed.