Disclaimer: I own not Inuyasha or his fan club.
Note: I may probably look over this chap once more in a few days before being completely happy with it. Nonetheless for those of you who can't wait that long (including me) I'm posting it now. Eh...I may not even work on it again, but oh well…Just a thought.
Credit: to Murdoca, for helping me update when I need to. Lol. Thanks girl! (glomps) I love all my readers as well, of course! Your feedback always helps me keep going with the fic.
F.Y.I.: Just in case someone was confused about the typing: I've read that "Daiyoukai" is supposedly the true form of saying "Taiyoukai" (great demon), although both are accepted for their wide range of use. Also, "Sesshoumaru" is the correct way of writing his name, for vowel sounding purposes, although I'll play with it a little. "Sesshomaru" is just less of a hassle to spell sometimes, though it would shorten the pronunciation of the second syllable of his name. Lol. The "ou" makes you say it with more feeling, elongating the vowel sound. (If not mistaken with my info)
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Chapter 15: Letting Go, Part Two
"Do it. I dare you to."
"No…Sesshomaru…I know you're not like this. I know you wouldn't do this."
An hour or so had passed since the "incident", and Rin still found herself lost in thought, staring blankly at the surface of the countertop in the kitchen after having confronted the demon dog.
Why had she said what she said? Clearly she wasn't the one who got Sesshomaru so mad, but still; she felt like she was part of what caused his anger and discomfort in the first place, as if all this was her fault because she could have done better for her friend.
"I'm… I'm sorry. I'm really sorry!"
Yes, she felt sorry for something, but there were so many something's that she wasn't sure which one it was. He's never going to like me, she told herself, distraught. I'm just another disturbance to him. I'm just a nobody, like I was to my parents…There was no way she could get him to understand how much she felt for him, of how much she loved him, that if only he allowed her, she would make all his worries go away just because she could.
Digging her head deep into her open palms she tried to hold back the tears. Nothing was ever enough for him. But dogs were supposed to be loyal, weren't they! They were supposed to be the ones comforting their master's sorrow, not the other way around! And then…she sighed. She was being too selfish. She was treating him like a pet—her and Kagome were. And they weren't that anymore, no…But what they were—in their whole, excluding their physical changes—was mind-wracking. Demons didn't come with a manual, sadly, and she was beginning to think that they came "as is", assembly required, and with some screws lose.
Rin moaned, tired. She had made up a theory as to why demons had become extinct: it was because they were so damn confusing and needed to die. All of them. Of course she was just depressed at the moment, but still; it held its facts and logic, she reasoned.
Then Rin shook her head at the mindless monologue within herself. It was absurd and uncalled for. So she looked up to try and change her negative attitude.
She saw that Inuyasha was calm and sitting on the couch, asking far more questions than before while staring into the screen which flickered with thousands of sights and scenes of the marvelous unknown. He munched on handfuls of popcorn eagerly (taste buds get accustomed to salt quickly, apparently), drawn into the movie like never before. He'd come to the conclusion that this 'Spiderman' was like a hanyou, being half man, half whatever it was he was, and a hanyou being the hero for once was darn good to have in his opinion, given the history of hanyou treatment in his past. Beside him Kagome put more ice cubes in his ice pack and brought it against his skin. He flinched at the feeling.
"Hey! Stop that! It's cold!"
"Inuyasha, your neck is puffy and the swelling won't go down unless you put it on," she sighed.
"It'll heal on itself. Just leave it alone," he feh'ed.
Kagome moved closer to him worried. "Why do you always have to act like this?"
He faced her. "Like what?"
"You know, invincible. Just… let me help you out for once…I can't help it. I don't care if you're supposed to be immortal or whatever…whenever I see someone who needs my help, I just can't help but help them."
He rolled his eyes. "But that's just it. I don't need your help."
Rin grunted. Why that little… That was it. The last straw. She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't take this treatment anymore. And she was going to let all her frustration be known, now.
The actress growled from the kitchen. "You two are a bunch of insensitive jerks, you know that!" In a startle the couple turned around in their seats to meet the face of a very angry Rin as Inuyasha's right ear tweaked at her tone.
"For a pair of ungrateful, centuries-old spirits you act more immature than fully-grown men and it pisses me off that you even have the nerve to go around acting all 'high and mighty' and better than everybody else, treating us like we're supposed to be some sort of plague or something! It's…it's stupid and…and childish and…and…" she drifted, getting emotional. You didn't have to have a good nose to decipher that.
Both Kagome's and Inuyasha's eyes grew in surprise at her rant. Rin never talked bad about anyone (well, excluding her parents), less yelled, even if all she said was true and she did have reason to be heated. Although there seemed to be no words that Rin could use to express her anger at the moment, her clenched fist, snarling teeth and knotted eyebrows spoke volumes. But it was Kagome the one who noticed Rin was really fuming about Sesshoumaru's character and attitude instead of them, and was about to break because of it. Inuyasha was still clueless and caught off guard that his face read dumbfounded. The girl in front of him was still shaking, her eyes hidden by the way she held her head down.
"…And I hate you! I hate the both of you! I wish…" Rin's voice cracked as she pointed a finger at the hanyou accusingly. "I wish we never had met you!" As the first tears dropped from a watered eye bat she sprinted through the space between the living room and the kitchen to her room and shut the door closed with fury, digging her face into her pillow to cry. And although she felt extremely embarrassed for acting so childish like that in front of everyone right now, she cared more about not letting them be able to see her so upset and ugly. She hated the look on her face whenever she moped.
And she cried because nothing was going the way she wanted it to be; she cried because nothing ever went the way she wanted it to; she cried because not even her dog would stay by her in her worries. She hated him, hated Sesshomaru so much that she wished he never did turn back to normal because that insolent, dry bastard acted like he'd never known her, didn't remember all the things they'd shared, all the times they'd spent with just one another's company, all the love and trust she'd given to one of the few who she'd grant them to.
Each memory of him hurt her even more, and she sobbed like she were alone in her room, like no one could hear her, like no one could and had never taken her seriously in her whole life. First her mother and father, and now this; now Sesshomaru was the one treating her so uncaring and detached. Unwanted. That's what he made her feel like. So she languished in her river as time ticked away and it either went too fast or too slow for measure while her room felt so silent and uneven as if it too needed something warm and caring to drown in.
…And as her life there passed, so did the ones beyond her walls, where those outside found nothing to say...
And after a while her sobs died down, leaving messed-up, humid sheets as a result. Rin held on to her pillow for comfort, staring at the whiteness of a bare spot on the wall. The blur in her sight was gone now, and she could imagine that her eyes were no longer red, either. But she still felt like crying inside. She still felt alone. Surely Kagome knew her well enough by now to sense that something was wrong and would have gone up to check up on her, but this time she was behind on her usual timing.
Stupid Kagome. She's late, Rin sighed. The irony of wanting to be alone and not wanting to have to cry alone hurt. She shifted to lay sprawled face-down on her bed.
The images of what had gone through that evening—and every other one before that—flashed in her mind and never ceased, as if trying to tell her what was wrong, what could have she done to fix It. She dug her face deeper into her pillow, angry at herself for thinking it could be that way, that life could be so cold to her and unthankful for how hard she always tried to make it better than it seemed to be.There she was, the only one to really be caring about the brothers' stay, and Kagome was the one 'getting the guy'. If only she could be like her; strong, willing, brave, intelligent. She always looked up to Kagome for everything and now she felt jealous of her person. How could she compete with someone like her? No matter how hard she'd tried, Sesshomaru wanted to keep the distance that existed between them, while Inuyasha was being so warm and understanding with the other girl.The young woman wiped small tears from her eyes with her arm, sniffing.
It wasn't fair.
Nothing ever is.
But she hated feeling like that, for Kagome's sake. It wouldn't be fair to her, either. Rin couldn't afford to be feeling unhappy thoughts about her best friend, mostly because Kagome didn't deserve them. Again, she was too great of a person to.
Stupid conscience, she moaned again. She hated Jiminy Crickets.
Then: a soft knock on the door.
It was followed by a short rap after a pause. Rin silently sighed in relief. Finally! Kagome! Taking a deep breath she said "Come in," as strongly as she could, hoping her voice hadn't come out too squeaky or like someone who'd just been disrespectful to everyone in the house and didn't' deserve any comforting which, in this case, was correct, in a way.
She heard the door open and close again, just like Kagome's usual routine whenever the two would talk. She'd sit down next to her on the bed and begin to stroke her gently on her back, running her hands through her long hair, asking in a soft voice what was wrong and whispering encouraging nothings to her ear. The kissing-up was always the best part.
But upon a minute or two of no response she kicked up her legs and swayed them in curiosity, wanting to know what the heck her friend was doing, since she hadn't done anything as of yet. Kagome was one to be known for her usual pep talk and loud mouth, after all.
Getting on all fours Rin looked to her back—and what she saw made her face pale to a color unknown to man. She yelped surprised, instinctively hiding her slim figure under the sheets with one big movement of the arms, as if it hadn't been covered enough. She hid her head under them and thought that if she could pass as a very menacing ghost that she would be let alone again. But that was too much to ask for, since she didn't have the holes for the eyes. She wouldn't pass for anything else except a girl under creased sheets; the Heavens must hate her a lot. No; maybe even hell, too. Definitely hell.
Gulping, she peeked at the intruder again. No, not intruder—she'd let him come in; so he was like the vampire that once invited inside could no longer be held accounted for intrusion, because he had been let in.
Stupid, stupid her for letting that happen. How embarrassing. Rin blinked, only letting her eyes be seen above the fabric.
Sesshomaru was sitting in the right corner from the door, his back parallel to the wall. A leg served as a stand for his right arm as his other leg lay flat on the floor, his left arm across his lap. He had been looking at her intently, Rin noticed, and for how long, she didn't want to know. How degrading she must have looked, crying like that in front of him!
She blinked again, holding back a shiver. She didn't know what to say, so she hoped that he would start conversation (so much irony in that prayer alone); that is, if that was his reason for coming here in the first place. After a moment he too blinked at her, and it was then that she noticed the tinge of something in his eyes, something different, almost new, though the rest of him was unreadable as ever. He must have thought that he was good at hiding even that, for his voice held a less icy color when he spoke next, something that its owner most likely did not wish to consciously show.
Only when he did say his words did Rin finally realize what it was; concern.
"You cry."
His breath had come out slow and rough and deep, but as if he had cared enough to ask, not like he'd been forced to. The vibes felt both soothing and loving in a way, and Rin stopped feeling so hateful towards him and fell in love with him all over again.
She knew he had been crying too. She could tell. He just had to be. She knew her dog—well, her companion more than anyone ever could, so if not physically, he had been shedding inner tears. The knowledge made her want to cry even more.
She quickly wiped away again any faintest trace of sorrow-felt on her face, ashamed he had the genes to be able to hear her before from a mile away. Sure, she'd done it millions of times before, but that was when he was a canine, and he sure wasn't her dog anymore. This was different. He was a grown man, and she was a young adult—that still cried like a little girl, she realized, sadly. And if he thought differently about her she would never know, because it wasn't like he remembered those times when he would lick her tears dry or nuzzle her neck for comfort, right? In a way that felt strange, now, that he were one to do such a thing; and imagining him doing it at this moment, in his human form brought a light shade of color on her pale cheeks that weren't unwelcome. But that second thought was what made her blush bright crimson.
Feeling a little uncomfortable she looked away, the not-so hidden shade of red crossing her cheeks. It had been his room too, she thought, so it shouldn't be a big deal him wanting to come back to it and to her, was it? Maybe he did feel something toward her after all?
Sesshomaru understood she had expected someone else beside him to come through the door so he looked away, knowing it would make her more at ease—or at least he believed it would. He didn't like the smell of her salty tears earlier on, and that was what had made him come to her. That and she must have hated him for something he really couldn't put an exact finger on. It made the part of his stomach that was closer to his chest feel even emptier—which now, in her room, suddenly reminded him how hungry he was. Not a good sign if you weren't inclined to kill the human. Not that Rin wouldn't be tasty—but because…he just didn't want to. Yeah…that's it… Though the Jewel wouldn't let him go through with it if he tried. And he would never go so low as to sit on the floor and wag his tail, whimpering as if saying "feed me" to her, no matter how high the entertainment value it would be to get his food.
…Blasted imagination, he thought; it was so un-lordly like! He shook his head. He must not focus on food…He must not focus on food…Food was for mortals and for dirty hanyous, not youkais…
In his starving state he was staring at things in her room but never really looking at them, until his eyes went to a picture on a shelf to his left. He left behind his more senile mind somewhere at that moment, recollecting his usual, although decrepitating saneness again.
A photograph, I believe is the term? The confirmation that these frozen memories on paper were things that had happened in the past was somewhat reassuring. He may not have remembered what had happened to him in his stay in the home, but now he could try and recall them. If Inuyasha had vaguely done so while watching many 'photographs' in Kagome's room, in what they called a 'photo album', then he could do the same if not better too.
He picked it up. He needed to know…He needed to know…
Holding it closely, he examined again what he'd seen in the picture days before on his nights of wondering; a young girl with her dog. A young, grinning Rin holding a dog tightly around its neck. It was an unusual contrast; the happy human and the straight-faced hound next to her, with a perfectly shaped crescent moon on its forehead, and double markings on either side of its jaw. He'd seen this and many other photos before, but had never asked about them, because knowing the answers to his question didn't seem too promising at the time, and was surely the truth he didn't want to accept; until now.
"Who is this?"
Rin snapped out of her foggy daydream about men-dogs as he called to her. She looked at him dazed, trying to understand what he had meant. Looking up at the flower picture frame he held to her she cocked her head slightly to the side, knowing the picture of the two of them he held in his claw very well. And he was pointing to the dog in the photo; she thought he would have guessed it by now. But she just smiled softly answering, "You," as if there where no other explanation to give.
Sesshomaru had hoped that he wasn't right. But she had confirmed it; the picture he held in his hands was indeed him and her… hugging. Hugging, damn it. A chill went up his spine while he barely managed not to squirm. This was another proof of his time with the human under his nose, catching him in a lie if he were ever to deny the truth. Not only that, but liking the truth. His stupid tail was up and wagging in the Godforsaken picture.
If only the demons back home were to see this…
He didn't dare finish the sentence.
"What was I to you?" he asked again, hoping to clear uneasy images coming to his head.
Rin thought for a bit of what to say, when the fact was as clear as day to her. "You were my do—" She cut herself off before going any further. He knew that; he needed something else, something less unsettling, something less like the naïve her. Rin lowered the sheets from her face.
"You were my friend. M-My companion." It was then that he raised his head to her and both pairs of eyes met in a quiet exchange of reassurance to keep going.
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"What now, Inuyasha? What's happening now?" Kagome fiddled with her fingers on the living room couch.
"Shh! I can't hear if you keep talking into my ear, wench," Inuyasha barked as he turned up the volume of the television with the remote for cover-up.
"Hey!—"
"Shut up, will ya!"
"Oops. I-I mean, what are they talking about?" she whispered this time.
"You know," he cut in, looking toward her; "When Sesshoumaru asks I'll tell him that eavesdropping was your idea."
"Yeah, yeah, just get with the program! I wanna know what they're talking about!"
"—The what?"
"Oh…never mind…" she gave up.
He made a pause. "You humans sure have gotten weird…"
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Rin continued after Sesshoumaru's slight encouragement to keep saying more. "We would go for walks in the park…we'd read a good book at night in bed…well, at least I would," Rin cleared, giggling, "while you took a nap by my feet..." Her words drifted as she came upon fonder moments, even though to him they might have seemed far-fetched and boring. She didn't care. She said them anyways.
"We'd talk together, tell each other secrets we'd never tell anyone, ever...we always looked after one another and—well, you did a better job at that than I ever did, but…"
And then there was a night sky, fairly lit by the waning of the moon… The faint smell of Rin being attacked by a hooded man... A dog putting himself between them, snarling at the enemy...
The image was gone as fast as it had appeared. Sesshoumaru's eyes wondered, unable to comprehend what had just happened.
"We'd celebrate each other's birthdays," Rin continued, "and we'd make fun of Inuyasha whenever Kagome was angry at him." She laughed at the last one, letting the sheets fall to her sides, exposing her warmer, more comfortable self to him. Sesshomaru remembered that laugh.
The faint laughter of a girl, combing the silk fur of her companion, who answered by purring back…
Images of memories came back to him, and it was only time until he could remember them all.
The familiar smell, their laugh, her tears…
…And the heavenly feeling of that combing…
Sesshoumaru raked a claw through his own mane. She hadn't been a burden to him; never. And thinking about it, she wasn't one now...
Blinking, he tried to rid himself of the thought. He couldn't afford to have thoughts like that in his mind, to affiliate with these humans, not when he had to go back to proclaim what was rightfully his.
Rin was still looking at him from the bed, her smile from his memories appearing in front of his eyes. It was so young, so innocent and pure—and it needed to be protected from the world's corruption.
Then he remembered that he really wasn't going to go back—that he had decided to stay. But for how long? He hadn't decided on that. And where? Until when would he roam the earth for something that would make him feel not so… "alone"? The word made him suffer as if his own brother's blood were flowing in his veins; and the sudden recognition of what it must have been like being raised inside two opposing, discriminating worlds grew within him, and for the first time he noticed how horrible he must have treated his brother in the past—because although he was half human, he was still half inu— and now the second half that remained of their kin, and the only one with whom he could indulge in his nostalgic recollections of a past life together.
Then there was this girl in front of him who was so unsettling that he just wished she was gone already from his sight, to be one less thing to worry about uselessly. But then one of those unfamiliar voices in him said that that wasn't the real reason to this discomfort he felt, but that getting attached to this feeling towards her was what would hurt in the long run when it was left behind.
…He hoped Inuyasha was feeling as miserable as he was all this time. As miserable and as aching as he.
…But then that would mean that Thee Sesshoumaru would be feeling just as Inuyasha did, and in a contradicting standoff that wouldn't be acceptable either. The halfling was still a bastard child. With no manners. And a bad mouth. Walking barefoot. And…
…Hurt? Sesshoumaru would feel hurt when he left this…feeling…that troubled him inside now? Towards…Rin and the other lowlifes…?
The lord got up from the floor and turned to the door, taking one last look at the girl who'd saved him from death. According to Myoga (who was very, very, very wise as to not show his pesky mug where it wasn't wanted for days now), dogs without owners were killed when caught; so he, in a way, owed his life to the humans, as pathetic as it sounded. Not like he had to repay them back; not like he still was tied to them.
But he hated having to owe someone something, mainly because he'd never owed anyone anything. And the thought of being in debt to this girl wasn't sickening; no. He didn't like using that word anymore. Instead it was eerie. But it was the only coherent motive that was strong enough to be considered as a reason for him to stay.
Not like he wanted to. Of course he didn't want to. Alright…So now that that's decided…?
He looked to the floor. Right now he didn't know what he actually wanted, so he would have to stick around until he knew what it was he wanted. A good reason enough to stay indeed. Not an excuse, but a reason. And if no one liked it, than to hell with them. This Sesshomaru did as he pleased.
"Good night, Lord Sesshomaru." The lord looked up to find Rin's otherwise very annoying smile directed to his self, lit up with that unexplainable charisma that most likely fed off of thousands of midnight fireflies. Strange the connection he made to that. It must have been her person and her love for miniscule things. Nevertheless, he had nothing to give her back for that sweet smile—unless she'd enjoy seeing him whilst in the mood for the kill, which was always quite entertaining…He smirked. Yes…entertaining. That is—unless you were the victim. Then it would just be chilling.
He smirked just a bit at the thought too. Now that was a look to die for. The thought of the trembling of the weak in his presence always put him in a good mood and took his mind off of things. It reminded him of his power, even if it lasted only some time ago.
"Hn."
The door opened and he stepped out, not looking back. That was his last word before leaving Rin behind to try and make out what had just happened. She blinked.
Boy was heweird. And that quirk of the mouth he had just done…she tried and mirrored it. Those smiles of his were rare, so she would take that one as a good sign. Things would turn out or the better, it seemed.
Rin liked weird.
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The young girl woke up with a startled jump from her bed. Something felt…odd. Looking out the window, Rin saw the moon high above the buildings, before it was obscured behind the clouds. She looked at her clock. It was midnight. Grunting, she slipped on her bunny slippers and made her way toward the kitchen for a glass of water, continuously rubbing her temples. Boy, did she feel weak! She must have fallen asleep on her bed without eating dinner. She'd definitely have a quarrel with Kagome in the morning for making her miss out on a good helping of food like that.
But in turning on the kitchen lights and opening the fridge, the sudden feeling that she was being watched clicked, and her eyes darted towards the wall where she swore she saw what looked to be the eyes of a predator in the dark, glowing with some unseen light, black slits narrowed in between pools of golden dust, lurking and feeling her over as if ready to pounce. She instantly froze at the sight, hair standing on end from the coldness they brought and from the chill they seemed to generate on her whimsy, far-fetched mind. The owner of said eyes apparently realized what it was that was making her so disturbed, and soon a youkai lord walked out of the depths of the dark from his place near the glass window. A second after the moon came out from behind the clouds and she noticed once again the restlessness attached to those familiar hues.
Rin stood there gasping if not panting of fear, until she realized that she had nothing to fear from him. Well, at least not yet. The terror he'd made her feel with that just one look transformed into longing for company and acceptance. Heck, if he wanted to keep looking at her like that forever, she wouldn't care; just as long as he stayed. And the sudden recognition that she was still hungry and that he might as well be licking his lips because of the fact that he hadn't eaten in like, forever, made her shake off her stunned form and blink at him, purposely awaiting some sort of answer.
He seemed to take the hint and after a moment opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again once his train of thought had decided to stay that way; in his head. Then the girl knew why she had woken so abruptly; she had a mission, something to do, even if it meant risking her life in doing it. But since it was for her dear Fluffy's sake, nothing was impossible to go through.
Sesshomaru watched as Rin left his gaze without another word, which confused him to what she could have been thinking—other than the fact that he had just been a second from drooling on the floor out of hunger—and as to why she had not spoken to him—which was also very perplexing, since she always had something to say; she talked a lot. He looked on as she took things from the cupboards, the drawers, and the fridge, accommodating them all on a flat surface and taking out one big pan, turning on the heat of the stove to begin to fry something, it seemed.
She lastly took out a big bag of meat from the freezer which, to him, seemed quite tasty at the moment—youkais and fleas and humans not available on the menu as of late—and stared as she put the insides of it on a plate, using the monster of heat known as the microwave to thaw them. Quirking a brow as to what the hell she was doing since, according to Kagome, she didn't know how to cook (and it was way past her bedtime), he heard the bleak sound of the timer going off and saw the meat then placed to sizzle in the pan. By that time his feet had unconsciously walked over to her side, and he was now in the same room as her, looking down at the slab of parts from a cow-corpse.
Rin, deciding to clear a few things to him, looked up, catching his stoic attention. She smiled, winking at him. "I'm making you steak, alright? I know you must be terribly hungry, no matter how much you try to deny or hide it. So just sit back, relax, and it'll be done in no time." She finished by accenting her usual cheeriness as if he were a stubborn child, learning how to eat his vegetables.
The daiyoukai took a few moments to digest this new predicament and, opening his mouth to speak, finally said what he had wanted to say minutes ago. "I told you I do not need your assistance." Rin's sudden eat-or-I'll-make-you expression sent poisonous darts at him and he solely lifted a brow, standing his ground, trying to convince her that he didn't need anyone's sympathy. But he couldn't even convince himself of that. He needed food, now.
"Listen, Sesshomaru," she said, honorific titles aside, "you will eat this and you won't give me any trouble about it, you here?" Her command was impressive, even more so when she poked him on his chest for each syllable spoken. Now, it was one thing to chide Sesshomaru, and a whole other to touch him without his consent. But that wasn't the matter at hand; he'd delight the girl with his list of do's and don'ts later. Right now, food was at stake here.
So he barely changed his demeanor as he went to pick up a piece of meat with his thumb and pointer finger claws as if holding something vile and hoisted it next to them in the air, taking a faint, visible sniff at it, observing it for a slight second, his reply to her coming as nothing short of a surprised relief.
"This Sesshoumaru does not take from another's hunt. Second hand meals are dishonoring. I can provide for myself quite well."
"It's called 'frozen food', Lord Sesshoumaru," she pouted, hands on hips. He didn't move, merely glanced at her direction.
"True meals," he said, and Rin found his charm rather enjoyable to say the least, "are eaten raw, blood still fresh, warm and thick." She gulped.
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The night was proving to be a long one Rin thought as she yawned, waking up for the second time before dawn in her chambers. In her dreams crystal broke loose, scattering all over the floors. The thought that she had given Sesshomaru a meal and left him alone with it brought her to her feet, scrambling towards the door and out into the kitchen, where she found the demon lord currently pondering something as he looked intently at the floor which graced hundreds of tiny shards.
She took a sharp intake of breath. "You broke the glass, Lord Sesshomaru!" she raced to his side as he looked up to her, then realizing she had come into the room. Rin immediately took the hand that was now dripping slight crimson drops on the floor, feeling guilty for having given him a glass of water along with his steak instead of a more plastic one.
Sesshomaru stared at her as she took him close to a drawer, baffled about so many things. The food; the glass cup; the bleeding this frail object had caused; it was all too confusing. But of all things, that was the one that stood out the most.
Why was he bleeding so easily?
The lord sensed more than saw as the woman in front of him took out some white wrappings from a cupboard, along with some meticulous items apparently used for healing. His thoughts of her and his hand were cloudy and all he could think about was his blood on his claws, which she began to clean away so gently with a cloth in her one hand, the other holding his own hand upright in her palm.
He blinked once, still trying to make out the scene before him: a human girl was healing him. There were so many wrong things said in sentences lately that he could only stand still as she continued her actions, then taking out some tiny, metal sticks to pick out the remaining glass shards in his hand.
He hadn't even felt them there. In fact, they were of no consequence to him, since nothing of humanity could harm him; but that glass he had broken when trying to get a drink and his now wounded hand said otherwise.
What was happening? He knew he had felt…strange…since their awakening, but something just didn't seem right. Something was out of balance here. He and Inuyasha were….different. He hated this predicament because there was no way of knowing why they were different until it was too late. Nothing was going his way.
Rin finished by wetting the soft, pale skin some, and reached out for a ball of cotton, pouring a disinfectant over it to use on Sesshomaru. "This will sting a little, but it will help," she told him gently, and her more intellectual voice took him back into reality.
As she proceeded to dab the now wet cotton in her hand over the small scrapes, his claws flinched at the pressure of her movement. But not because it hurt—he hadn't felt a thing, really, and needed this 'help' even less than he needed another mother after him, since he would have healed himself in a matter of seconds if she hadn't come in when she did and began rummaging through things and inking him with such vile potions; but because he had let her touch his hand, bring him over to a corner, dab him with strange remedies and furthermore he had yet to pull his same hand away.
"Oh! I-I'm sorry!" Rin cried softly, thinking she'd hurt him. Quickly but carefully she closed in the space that separated the two's extremities and put her lips into a small 'o', blowing softly at his open scars.
And for some reason Sesshomaru felt his temperature rise slightly from the hand-up, his mind going to things foreign and those forgotten, things unsaid and those undone and unfinished. But none could compare to this place and time right now, and he forced his own lips to say something, anything even similar to what he needed to ask at that moment before actually doing it, actually giving in to what was needed to be done but not wanted to happen, and hoping for the first time that after he'd asked what needed to be known and after having followed through with what needed to be done he wouldn't find himself regretting having gone through with it all. There was no turning back.
Why do it, then? Because he needed to stretch his legs. He needed to taste the sweet air outside, needed to breath in calming skies. He not only wanted to get out of here, but he also felt like he wanted to stay; though that last thought seemed more fleeting to him than it was palpable. So he would say it for the sake of putting everyone to rest, including himself, and he would let the words rebound off the jewel's protective walls towards freedom.
"What were you to me?"
Silence; then, Rin's lips twitched. Is that what's been bugging him all along?
The question was out of the blue and confusing, and all Rin could do was look up into his angelic face and eyes, his eyes which were so golden, even in the dark, and so alluring and captivating that their owner must have had to keep hidden from preying suitors. Oh how she wanted to be the one to hold them as her own! But he was still so unreadable, so unreachable, and she didn't know what to answer him after she realized that he had wanted a reply.
But Sesshomaru just stared at her and her eyes, those chocolate hues that could say so much just by looking at them, and there needn't be use of words to describe what she thought of.
Their eyes where so different…
And then he thought of how free and giddy and full of life she was, and how she always did silly and preposterous things, and how it made his being and daily doings not seem so monotonous anymore, because she filled everything with noise. Sweet, young noise. She resembled life as he didn't know it to be: wondrous and adventurous. And when she looked at him like she was now, so wanting, so concerned, so worried, the years caught up to her body, and she stood as a woman with sad wrinkles that, in his heart somewhere, Sesshoumaru had known one time how they had come to erode her face—but now it was something he couldn't place, as hard as he tried to remember, if only to know how to smooth the scars they left behind.
But leaving past relationships aside, what needed to be done had all but come to pass; so he took his hand back calmly and made way to her room before his legs were to turn against him. Rin followed suit after standing in the same spot baffled for sometime after.
Once she had gone into the dark hallway, however, and looked into her sanctuary which was lit by lights that had been left turned on, she found her lord staring down at her bed as solemn as ever. What he could be thinking of, she still would never know.
And then that sharp intake of breath again—this time, by him—was heard and Rin watched how the beautiful man reached over to his shoulder with his left claw, letting his fingers run through the tender boa, stroking it with a lost touch while his eyes continued to drown in the snowy sheets on the bed in a faraway manner. Then, as if a command had been whispered before the two, he brought both claws to it and carefully lifted the pelt from his form, bringing it to lie on the mattress ceremoniously. Then the two marvelous swords that he carried, the only ones of their kind followed. Sesshoumaru stared at each one silently in his hands, the blue-hilted one perhaps longer than the red, but didn't dare to unsheathe them, even if it meant for one last time, like one would be afraid to say goodbye to something dear to them. Both weapons were laid beside the first object with care.
Rin blinked, following the trajectory of his hands as they continued to run over his armor and sash and bindings, and soon they too were off, one symbolic piece of him after the other disrobing. It hurt to see him so lifeless—or better said, the lifelessness in his eyes—as the slow unwrapping of the colorful sash took place, his thin fingers twisting and turning to unfasten it from his waist. It flowed as it was let down next to the fur. When it was time for the armor to come off, he untied the thick, red string that held his metal plates together, setting the hard skin next to the previous items with a soft clank as they brushed against each other.
He looked so naked now without all those brilliant shells to hide him from the world; and he looked so sad… Only the markings of his clan and family crest adorned his body; and nothing was left to say but what was logical—though devastating—to proclaim.
"I have no need for these now."
The words within the words screamed to her that he had no need for the weapons and the armor, the honorary symbols of his heritage and life now, not anymore, because they would be of no use to him here, where no one knew him or would even care to believe in a myth and legend, and because what was worth keeping now wasn't found in them.
Rin held back a choke but let her face frown with unimaginable distress and heartfelt sorrow. And when he looked up at her, as lifeless as a stoic man could ever bare to show, a stray smile automatically graced her lips, and she found worthless words to say to him back, hoping against reality that they could repair what he would never again regain, finding out why she was so angry with herself in the first place.
"I'm sorry."
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Inuyasha's ear flickered from the tenseness, and he found himself looking down at the sword crossed against his chest, the Tetsusaiga that was once the cause of many spars he and his brother had taken part of; the same fang of steel that had defended those that he loved for so long. And now…now he too had no use for it. So if his brother in the next room could do it, could be as strong as to let his own swords and armor and family heirloom go, he too could let go of his past. After all, he'd decided on that already. But he had yet to take action on it.
Willing his feet to make him stand up from the ground (not trusting his heart to move for himself) he got up, Tetsusaiga in right hand, and walked the few steps over to Kagome's bed. She would always get mad at him for being inside her room at night whenever she caught him red handed, but that didn't interfere with him wanting to come in and stay around for a while every time he did. He knew his youkai sibling did the same with his own human, and sooner than later he began to come to understand that Sesshomaru was a lot more complicated than he originally thought. What reasons he had to do whatever he did as of late, he'd rather not try and decipher them, because he had his own reasoning to think of why he did the things he did every night himself.
And since the world outside didn't have use of combat strength anymore and warrior knowledge were far and extinct, he should also have to trade in his haori, a gift from his deceased father whom he never knew, just as Sesshomaru traded his own clothing and fur to the forgotten Japan, and leave them there in the past as they should stay, along with dead mothers and priestesses…
Seeing that his sword of the fang was no longer coveted by his half-brother (and hadn't been for some time before the curse, though why he wasn't quite sure) and neither was it allowed in public, he had to bare keeping it here in the confines of this house, to dust away in a shelf somewhere and deteriorate from lack of use. It hurt to think about it, but if he didn't do it, he could never protect his own human in the outside world and would be refrained from protecting the Jewel too—not like the latter was more important than the first. And it was still unsatisfying how he could have come up with the decision of staying here with the copy, and then think about being there, with the original, and then not wanting to be anywhere at all.
So he trusted his will again to move his arms and hand to a nearby shelf on the wall and placed his sheathed blade on it, but his wanting was more than he first could perceive and he found himself moving to the corner of the room again, sliding down the length of the wall, eyes not looking away from the miko in the faint darkness as he crossed his legs.
Then Inuyasha closed his eyes slowly and tiredly—for they weighed more tonight than on any other—arranging his sword in front of him as before. Unnoticed to him Kagome, who had peeked open an eye, saw how the light of the moon crept past a corner of the window and made his mane glow with a strangeness she'd never seen before. It was hurtful.
And the hanyou's ear drooped to rest while his head did the same, hoping that time would fly just as fast as it did when he was in his cursed sleep.
Tetsusaiga…
He told himself that keeping it close for one more night wouldn't hurt.
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…And as the long night found its end and the sun replaced the moon as it always did, Kagome's heart pained in her chest, and the mortals and youkais awoke to a shuttering scream...
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