Chakotay couldn't get the captain's face out of his mind during his walk to the mess hall. She had definitely looked shocked. Her big blue eyes had radiated pain and a loneliness that was almost palpable, even though her body signalled passivity. Chakotay was still dwelling on that paradox when he suddenly reached the double doors leading into Neelix's domain. B'Elanna was waiting for him, tricorder at the ready. "Hey, I've just detected a few spent power cells and I wanted to borrow Chapman from the bridge to help replace them." She glanced up at him when he didn't react. "Chakotay, what's wrong? No offence, but you look like hell."
Chakotay gave a dry laugh. "I suppose I do ... listen, B'Elanna, do you have a minute?"
B'Elanna nodded and put her tricorder away. "Of course, what is it?"
They sat down in the seats nearest the panorama windows and Chakotay immediately wondered if this was a mistake. "I'm not sure we should be talking about this. It's kind of personal."
The Half-Klingon burst out laughing. "Chakotay, it's me! I've told you about my sex dreams, so you should feel free to do the same," she winked, not realising that she was quite on target.
He smiled ruefully. "You're right, but it's a sensitive topic. I have to ask for your absolute discretion."
B'Elanna's grin faded. "Wait, you're serious? Sure, I'll keep my mouth shut."
Chakotay nodded, gathering his thoughts. "Okay, do you remember a few years ago, when I was infected with an alien virus?"
"Sure, you and Captain Janeway had to spend a good deal of time on an uninhabited planet. Frankly, I'd hate to think what would have happened if the Doctor's girlfriend hadn't come through for us."
Chakotay nodded again. "What none of the logs say, is that we came to regard the planet as our home, and the more time passed ... well, we were all we had ..." He trailed off, but he didn't have to say anything else.
B'Elanna's mouth had fallen open, her eyes huge. "Don't tell me you're in love with the captain?" Her whisper seemed abnormally loud, and Chakotay looked around to make sure no one had heard.
"Is that so hard to believe? We were ready to accept the possibility that we'd spend the rest of our lives there. And even though we ended up being rescued, those feelings never really went away ..."
B'Elanna still seemed shocked. "Well, does she know?"
Chakotay rubbed his palms against his thighs. "She knows how I felt on that planet, but ever since then, we've gotten back into our command structure."
The engineer fidgeted with her tricorder. "I can only say that feelings like that should be addressed. Remember what happened with me and Tom before we admitted how we felt about each other? We almost came to blows!"
Chakotay was about to ask 'almost', but he let it slide in favour of nodding agreement. "You've got a point, B'Elanna, but you know better than anyone on this ship that I'm not really the type to 'address feelings'."
B'Elanna was silent for a while, as she watched Seven of Nine walk over to a random crewman and initiate a conversation. When she turned her attention back on Chakotay, there was a wicked grin on her face. "Of course, there is someone who might help."
Chakotay raised his eyebrows in question.
B'Elanna chuckled. "I'm sure the Doctor would be more than happy to draw up a social skills syllabus for you."
Chakotay had dropped the matter after B'Elanna had made that joke. He had a few more avenues to try before he resorted to asking the ship's physician for romantic advice. That night, after his duty shift had ended, he went to his quarters early, declining Harry's invitation to a game of Parrisses Squares on the holodeck, saying he might drop by later.
Once he was alone, he took out his medicine bundle and laid it out on the floor, sitting cross-legged in front of the Akoonah. He closed his eyes and put his left hand on it. "A-koo-chee-moya, I am far from the bones of my people, I am far from the sacred places of my grandfathers, but perhaps there is a powerful being here who is willing to help me find the answer I seek."
Chakotay continued to be amazed by the sudden onset of his visions. When he opened his eyes this time, he found himself not in his childhood forest, but outside the accommodations he and Kathryn had shared on New Earth. He took his time to look around, so he wouldn't overlook his spirit guide. When he didn't see it, he went into their shelter. Sure enough, he spotted the familiar glistening body of the snake that had guided him for many years now. It was coiled up on the table that dominated the simple lodgings, trailing its tail through a dish of multi-coloured sand. It looked almost deliberate, so Chakotay approached the animal respectfully.
Why have you come to me today, son of Kolopak?
Chakotay had gotten used to the snake's telepathic communication, but he still chose to reply by speaking out loud. "I am facing a personal problem involving my superior officer."
The snake regarded him with its clever eyes. Yes, the woman warrior. You love her.
It wasn't asking.
Chakotay nodded. "I've felt this way for some time now, and I can't make it go away."
Do you want it to go away?
He thought about that for a moment. It was short-sighted and selfish, but he couldn't deny that what he really wanted was for Kathryn to love him back.
The snake let its tongue dart out. Then you have your answer.
"But she's my captain. It's against protocol ..."
The animal didn't respond. It simply stared at him, then pointed at the sand with its head. Chakotay stepped closer so he could see what the snake had drawn and almost laughed. It had actually drawn a heart! How cliché!
Nevertheless, he thanked his spirit guide and woke himself from his vision. He didn't really feel any more certain about what he wanted to do. His mind raced and he was uncharacteristically wound up.
"Computer, what time is it?"
The computer beeped and informed him that he hadn't even spent half an hour on his vision quest. Changing into his padded sports uniform and taking up his ion mallet, he headed down to the holodeck to take Harry up on his invitation. The game would help take his mind off the captain. As expected, the program was already running, so he entered to find the game in full swing. Harry was just dealing a mean-looking blow to another ensign's ribs. Feeling the exhilaration of impending combat grip him, Chakotay signalled the young woman that he was ready to take her place on the team.
The game had really helped calm his nerves and disperse his thoughts, but an hour and a half later, he found himself back in his quarters, replicating some ice to put on his wrist. He winced at the contact and resolved to let the Doctor take a look at it if it didn't improve overnight. It was already close to midnight when the ice had melted, so he went to bed, prepared for another erotic dream.
He was disappointed when he didn't remember any of his dreams in the morning, but he didn't have much time to dwell on that. His hand had swelled to an extent that made him doubtful that it would go unnoticed on the bridge. Sighing to himself, he went through his daily bathroom routine, put on his uniform and headed over to Sickbay.
The Doctor looked like he'd had to treat several similar injuries already, and launched right into a lecture about the hazards of playing such a violent game.
"You can consider yourself lucky that all you fractured was your wrist. What happens if you break your neck next time?" He stared at his patient disapprovingly.
Chakotay gave him a half smile. "Then I'll have the comfort of knowing that the best medical hologram in the galaxy will stitch me up."
The Doctor looked torn between feeling flattered and annoyed. "You're beginning to sound like Tom Paris." The Doctor got out one of his devices and passed it over Chakotay's injured wrist. "That will mend the bones, but the hand will be a bit tender for a day or so. If you experience any discomfort, I can prescribe an analgesic."
"Thanks, Doc." Chakotay got up from the biobed, all set to leave Sickbay, but something stopped him. "Doctor, do you have another minute?"
The hologram cocked his head. "Of course, Commander. The longer you stay here, the longer that poor wrist has time to heal."
Chakotay paced between two of the biobeds, unsure where to begin. "I went on a vision quest yesterday, and I wanted to hear your opinion on what I saw there."
The Doctor took a step closer. "I feel honoured that you'd come to me with this. Although I am familiar with the technique and some of the symbols involved, I have never been asked to interpret a vision before."
"I won't go into anything too specific. I don't want to anger my spirit guide. But what I can tell you, is that I have been struggling with some emotions lately. The vision quest was supposed to help me decide how to proceed." Chakotay sat down again, hands braced on the bed, and looked at the Doctor. The physician had started walking in small circles, tapping his chin with his forefinger. Chakotay went on: "But this time, what my guide thinks best and what Starfleet protocol dictates don't seem to coincide."
The Doctor faced him, but kept his eyes trained on the ceiling. His subroutines were probably calculating what his problem could be. "If I may ask, what regulation are we talking about?"
Chakotay winced. He'd been afraid of this question. Then again, if he wanted the Doctor's help, he'd have to give him at least some of the facts. He sighed. "Fraternisation."
The Doctor's mouth fell open before he could control himself. "Well, you certainly won't need me to recite the passage in question, will you? "
Chakotay shook his head. "Thanks, it's been on my mind a lot lately. I think I've got it memorised." He rubbed his hand across his face in an attempt to clear his head.
The Doctor came to stand beside him. There was a hypospray in his hand. "In that case, may I inquire as to the rank of the individual involved?"
Chakotay snorted humourlessly. "No offence, Doc, but if I tell you that, I might as well be shouting out her name on 'Good morning, Voyager'."
The Doctor had just been about to administer the hypospray when he froze, his eyes wide. He recovered a second later and injected Chakotay. "I see," he said in his usual gruff manner. When he had put the spray away, he turned back and put his hand on the commander's shoulder. "Chakotay, you of all people should know that Voyager isn't just another Starfleet vessel. We have grown into a family, people have paired off, and there have even been children born on board. Now, in the Alpha Quadrant, officers such as you or the captain would have to adhere to protocol in such matters, but potential partners are scarce around here. I have appealed to Captain Janeway before to show leniency in this instance."
Chakotay remembered having a similar conversation with Kathryn when they had first learned about Samantha Wildman's pregnancy.
"Thanks, Doc. I'll keep that in mind. And could we keep this between the two of us?" He levelled the Doctor with his best forbidding glare.
The hologram nodded. "Of course, Commander."
Chakotay rose to go, then remembered something. "That still leaves the problem of what to do next." He prepared himself for various possible answers, but each one made him feel uneasy.
The Doctor, however, put on one of his dazzling grins. "I'd suggest dinner and a movie."