The computer woke her at 0400, much too early after the night she'd had. There was a kink in her neck from sleeping in her armchair, and she felt generally cranky.
"Coffee, black," she barked at her replicator, daring the piece of technology to screw up her order. She'd love an excuse to dismantle that cocky thing.
When she took her first sip, however, she was almost disappointed at how good the coffee tasted. She gave the replicator a grudging nod of respect, and took the cup into the bathroom with her. She counted on the sonic shower to blast away her residual weariness.
Twenty minutes later, she was on her way to the bridge. Her neck still hurt, but the pulsing noise of her shower had worked a true miracle on her mood. Kathryn was already in the turbolift, when the events of last night came rushing back to her. She tried to keep the confusion and annoyance out of her expression, but Tuvok's raised eyebrow told her that she hadn't done it well enough. She nodded at him, then went over to her chair. The night shift wasn't officially over yet, so Chakotay wasn't there.
Kathryn used that time to try and decide how to handle the situation. Should she discuss this with Tuvok? It was no security issue, but her friend deserved to know what was going on in her life. She briefly considered talking to Neelix, being that he had provided the meal for their little 'date', but decided against it. She needed someone whose knowledge of Starfleet regulations was absolute. She snapped her fingers. Of course, the Doctor. He had been programmed with all necessary information, so he should know what to do. She wouldn't bother Tuvok with this until she had to.
"Tuvok, do you have the time?"
"4:35, Captain," came the Vulcan's curt reply.
She nodded and rose. " You have the bridge. I'll be right back." With that, she strode back into the turbolift and headed down to Sickbay.
She met a few crewmembers on her way, but none of them engaged her in more conversation than "Good morning, Captain!", so she was free to figure out what to tell the Doctor.
The doors hissed open almost before she knew it. Sickbay was deserted and the lights dimmed. It was good to see that the Doctor was conserving energy by turning himself off. She stepped inside. "Computer, lights, maximum setting. Activate EMH."
The Doctor flickered into being. "Please state the nature of the medical emergency."
She raised her hands. "No emergency, Doctor. Sorry for disturbing you."
The hologram's face was caught somewhere between delight and irritation. "Not at all, Captain. But just once, I wish people would come to me with actual medical problems."
Despite her assurance that she was fine, the Doctor took up his tricorder and started scanning. "Are you experiencing pain in your trapezius muscle?"
She raised her hand to touch the place where her neck joined her shoulder. "I just didn't sleep right. It's nothing."
The Doctor tutted at her. "We can't have you running the ship while you're not at your best."
The captain raised her eyebrow and opened her mouth to voice her opposition, but let it go. She had come to the Doctor for help, so she should avoid putting him in a bad mood. She sighed. "You're right of course, Doctor. I would appreciate your help. A massage maybe?" The idea had just come to her on the spot. A massage would be a convenient way to talk to the hologram without betraying all of her emotions through her expressions.
The Doctor lit up right away. "Certainly. You know, I think the crew is far too quick to request medications for things that could just as easily be treated with therapeutic massages. Everyone would do well to follow your example. You'll find my skills more than approximate a muscle relaxant."
He led her to one of the biobeds and made her sit down. His hands found the painful knots right away, causing her to give a groan of pain. It was still kind of weird to feel the Doctor touching her. She'd spent a lot of time around holograms over the past few years, but the fact that the Doctor's hands felt so real continued to surprise her. She felt him shift behind her.
"With all due respect, Captain, this would be a lot easier if you weren't wearing your uniform."
She hesitated. She hadn't come here to be treated, but then again, this massage was a good excuse to engage him in conversation. Finally, she decided to go with it. She unzipped her uniform jacket and put it aside. Then she undid the Velcro of her turtleneck, and put that down as well. The air of Sickbay felt cool against her bare arms, but the Doctor had warm hands. Warm hands ... that reminded her. Once he had started on her neck again, she cast around for a way to touch on the topic in question. She needn't have bothered, for the Doctor was chatty as ever.
"Well, Captain," he began, kneading her neck and shoulders expertly, "what's new with the crew?" He chuckled at his own word play.
Kathryn closed her eyes and tried to relax. "Oh, you know. The usual. Supergiants to be investigated, final frontiers to be breached."
She knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear. The Doctor thrived on gossip. He was about to hear the best piece ever. He just didn't know it yet.
The hologram huffed slightly. "I could have read that in any report on the computer. What have the people of Voyager been up to lately?"
She smiled. This was the perfect setup for her questions. "Well, there is one thing that was brought to my attention. It's quite delicate, so I won't give you any names."
The Doctor leaned in closer. "I understand, Captain. I am discretion personified."
The captain nodded. "I know you can be trusted, Doctor. Okay, so this crewman comes to me for advice. He's been in love with someone for quite some time, and it seems she likes him, too, but there's a problem." She held up her hand, index finger raised. "The problem is me."
The Doctor stilled his hands. "Captain?"
"What I mean is that they have to get my approval, since they're of the same chain of command."
"Ah, I see," said the Doctor. "But we've had such relationships before, I believe. There shouldn't be a problem."
She turned her head slightly. "Do you think so?"
"Absolutely. Since our journey began, no one on board has had the opportunity to pursue a relationship outside of Voyager. People being what they are, they required certain ... outlets. You yourself have endorsed intimacy between shipmates."
The Doctor was right in theory, but he didn't have all the facts. She was reluctant to fill him in, but she felt that she needed to come clean.
"Doctor, there is something about this case I haven't mentioned. But before I do, I need to know that you won't tell anyone." She could almost feel him roll his eyes.
"You have my word."
She gathered all of her courage. "I've been thinking about getting involved with someone."
The hologram had evidently finished his treatment, because he walked around the biobed to stand before her. "That's wonderful, Captain. Frankly, I was getting worried. Human sexuality is-"
The captain silenced him with a sharp glance.
The Doctor cleared his throat and continued. "I'm sorry, that got away from me. So, do you have someone in mind?"
Kathryn dearly hoped that she wasn't blushing when she answered. "I do. Actually that's the real reason I came here today."
She got up and started getting dressed, taking much more time than usual. Finally, she looked the Doctor straight in the eyes. "It's Commander Chakotay."
0500 hours had just passed when Chakotay entered the bridge. The events of the previous evening had kept him up most of the night, debating whether or not to return to Kathryn's quarters and set things straight. When he had finally fallen asleep, he'd had nightmares of the Equinox and her crew. He had actually been relieved to be woken up by the computer.
He was surprised to find the captain absent, and asked Tuvok about her whereabouts. The Vulcan had no concrete answer for him, however, so he had no choice but to sit down and wait.
It was another fifteen minutes before Kathryn exited the turbolift, looking thoughtful. She spotted him right away, stopped in her tracks, and then nodded her head towards the ready room.
Chakotay felt his heart skip a beat, but rose at once and followed her.
The door slid shut behind them with its customary hiss, but the silence that engulfed them was anything but. Kathryn slowly walked over to the replicator and ordered two cups of coffee, then put them down on the couch table.
As he went over to join her, he had a sudden flashback of sitting right there with her a few short weeks ago and discussing the end of her relationship with Mark.
He sat down on the couch, feeling quite uncomfortable in the Starfleet issue seat, and took one of the coffee cups. The metal was soothingly warm against his palms which had turned uncharacteristically cold.
Kathryn sighed quietly when she sat down, crossed her legs, and stared out at the stars for a few moments, as if trying to decide how to deliver some bad news. He felt his throat tighten. To distract himself from the fact that she still hadn't spoken, he took a swig of his coffee, and promptly burned his tongue. He cursed softly, finally making her look.
Her expression was unreadable. He continued to be amazed at how the captain could be so skilled at hiding her feelings even from her close friends. It must be something to do with being friends with a Vulcan for all these years.
He was getting anxious for her to speak, so he decided to give her a little verbal nudge. "Kathryn?" He purposely used her first name to gauge her reaction. If she was about to tell him to keep his distance, she would probably have him call her 'captain' from now on.
What happened then wasn't at all what he had expected. She kept her eyes trained on his, and asked in a tone that suggested actual interest: "Why did you kiss me?"
The sheer bluntness of her question took him by surprise. He had no idea how to respond. Why did anybody kiss anyone?
"Humour me, please," she went on.
Chakotay set down his mug and took in her appearance. She looked like she hadn't slept much either, and there was a vulnerability in her eyes that she couldn't seem to hide.
He rested his hands on his thighs. "I thought it was pretty obvious."
Her expression told him that she wasn't going to take that for an answer, though, so he sighed. "Do you want me to come out and say it? I have feelings for you. There."
He was aware of a subtle blush in the captain's cheeks, but she was still maintaining her professional detachment. Confessing his feelings to her had made him feel quite insecure, and he didn't like it.
Finally, Kathryn softened somewhat. "I'm sorry for drawing that out of you, but I've been having a hard time trying to figure out what to do about what happened yesterday. I even consulted the Doctor about it, can you believe that?"
Chakotay couldn't help laughing at that. "So did I!"
Kathryn had just taken a sip of coffee and almost choked. "Really? Well, he must be feeling like the resident expert on romance."
"I guess we'll have to make sure it doesn't go to his head," he chuckled, glad that the tension was gone. "Did he give you any good advice?"
The captain cocked her head, and rubbed her neck. "He did, after he was done citing rules and precedent. And I got a great massage on top of that."
Chakotay raised his eyebrow in question, but she merely laughed and took another drink from her coffee mug.
After that, the conversation turned to the agenda for the next few days, holodeck privileges, duty rosters, and other trivial matters.
Nonetheless, Chakotay felt inexplicably better after they'd more or less established that they were both confused about their feelings. When Kathryn checked the time and they became aware that they'd spent almost an hour in the ready room, the captain suggested heading back to the bridge.
Chakotay nodded agreement. They both finished their coffee and rose. Chakotay cleared his throat nervously just before Kathryn reached the door. "Kathryn, would you consider it inappropriate for me to invite you on a date?" He was surprised by his own boldness, and felt his insides writhe in anticipation.