The Fast and the delirious
Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain
How, in Hades' name and garden, did he mistake the Caribbean for colonial Australia?Unless it was part of some evil tourism scheme... but they probably didn't see Josh coming. Otherwise they would've declared a state of emergency. Or war on America. Either way, I think this somehow involves divine intervention. The gods plan of saving us include a guy who struggles to remember which way up a Cd should be inserted. Yep, we are all doomed. Back to my life!
"Uh, Percy, who is this?" asked Annabeth. She looked worried.
"This is Josh." I said. "We met at school. He counts as a sort of friend."
"He's supposed to help us?" asked Thalia. "He looks, sounds and for some reason smells insane." I suppose when he asked for fresh fish at a fruit vendor something strange happened.
"Hi Percy." said Josh, walking closer. "I was conducting at trade with the fruit vendor when I noticed you were here too. Why are you here too?" asked Josh.
Well, no point in beating around the bush. You could hit something. "Josh we need you're help to save the entire Western Civilization." I said. Annabeth groaned. She was obviously not impressed by my subtlety.
"Oh from the gods and all that." he said. Thalia and Annabeth looked at me accusingly. "I figured that out when I saw you and Prometheus destroying the school. By the way, that was awesome!"" said Josh. At least it got me off the hook. "Let's go to my place. We can chill and talk about the fate of the western civilization. I live over there." he said, pointing towards a sort of hotel. Annabeth and Thalia started walking towards it but Josh pulled me back. "Okay, which one is yours? I like blondes but if you're already-
"Shut up, Josh." I said. "These are my friends. We're not about to repeat your previous girl issues." And man, he had issues with them. Let's just say his greeting cards were overly creative.
"Oh come on." said Josh. "Do you have any idea how uptight these Caribbean girls are?"
"I've never been here before." I said. It was true, to the best of my knowledge. He led me up to the hotel. The greeter hid when Josh entered and let us walk in calmly.
"Nice place you have here." said Thalia. Just two days and Josh had already covered every vertical wall with posters, Cd sleeves and Vaseline.
"Josh, how are you taking this so calmly?" asked Annabeth. "Percy was totally freaked out when he learned that there were gods. You just seem to go with the flow." That was true.
"I'm ready for anything." said Josh, calmly undoing his belt. "And by the way, my parents won't be back until seven."
"Josh, in the name of all things fucking holy, keep your pants on." I yelled. Really. You know the truly immortal question, boxers or briefs? Or in Josh's case, neither.
"Fine." said Josh. "But explain this to me. How are you connected to my gods?"
"We're half bloods." said Thalia. "We're half human, half gods. The gods breed us to solve their problems." She said bitterly. Although that accurately reflects Thalia's views, it is wrong. We half bloods are more often the result of love, lust and nectar.
"You're the son of a god?" asked Josh.
"Yeah." I said.
"And you still need my help. I guess that makes you a waste of holy seamen." We All turned to stare at him. "I'm sorry guys but I'm not exactly hero material. I'll probably fuck things up." Okay, we didn't immediately respond. It's kind of hard to respond to that kind of thing.
"Josh." said Annabeth. "Just because you think you can't do something doesn't mean you can't do it. For all you know you might just show us all, and rescue us from utter destruction." Okay, not exactly the most moving speech, but it seemed to work.
"Okay but if I fuck this up it's your fault." said Josh. "Now, what do you want me to do?"
"We need you to help us find the Trojan gate hinge." I said.
"Oh." said Josh "That's easy. It's kept in Jamaicans treasury. Next question please."
"Wait, how did you know that?" asked Annabeth.
"They collect all kinds of shit from ancient places. The president also sponsored an evacuation to the place where people expect Troy used to stand. Say, did Percy ever tell you about the time when we dressed up like smurfs and humped the principle's legs?"
"Josh, how the hell do you know all this stuff?" asked Thalia. Man, she needed to learn that all reality is controlled by the people who are the most insane. And by Hollywood. The bastards.
"It's called the internet." said Josh. "You should try it sometime. Anyway, if you were to blow up the treasury, the gate hinge should lie somewhere in the rubble."
"We're not blowing up the treasury, tempting as that may seem." I said. "We'll have to break in, get the gate hinge, and replace it with a copy or an IOU or something."
"You'll have to do it." said Josh. "I'm guessing that the so called authorities have no idea that you're here?" We nodded. "So you can break whatever rules you want and they can't do nothing do you."
"Yeah, but if we go back to America we can get into trouble." said Annabeth. Hmm. I thought Josh was getting a bit too focused.
"Oh right." said Josh. "Then this will require stealth. I will get my coat."
"Come one guys." I said. "I have a better idea. We go in there, I cause a massive earthquake, and we manipulate the mist so that it looks like anarchists." Now. All I have to do is to learn how to manipulate the mist.
"I can manipulate the mist." said Annabeth. Damn her! She hid her awesome talent from me! But for what sick purpose?
"How did you learn to manipulate the mist?" I asked.
"Luke taught me." said Annabeth. So she learned this ancient technique in years gone by , taught to her by the fiendish betrayer before he turned over to the dark side.
"Hey what's mist?" asked Josh.
"It's a ." I began. Man. I had nothing.
"It's sort of field. A lot like real mist actually." said Annabeth. "It corrupts mortals such as yourselves visions to make you , uh , unable to see monsters and gods and stuff." Hmm. Josh was silent for a long time after that.
"I have a better idea." he said. "Blonde girl person can you make the mist like, not work?" Annabeth nodded. Oh, good thing Josh was out of slapping distance. "Percy can you get any of these so called monsters?"
"Yeah. Hades still owes me a couple of favors." I said. It was true. I had a hell of a time in the underworld. One day I might just get around to remembering what it was that I did there.
"Alright then." said Josh. "We go to the treasury. Percy gets an army of monsters to overrun the place. Annabeth gets rid of the mist, causing panic and discord. Percy causes his earthquake so that it cracks the wall and knocks out any security cameras. Then Annabeth nips in and steals the hinge. Meanwhile me and Thalia right?" he said. Thalia nodded. "Right. Me and Thalia will be-
"No." I said. "I know what you're thinking and no."
"But." said Josh.
"No" I responded bravely.
"Please?" said Josh, making puppy dog eyes. Damn. This is becoming to text like.
"No. But the so called plan works. Let's try it." I said, looking around the room.
"One thing is certain." said Annabeth. "They sure as hell won't be expecting this."
One hour, several arguments and nine diet cokes with lemon later we were on the outskirts of the Jamaican treasury. Man. Now I'm robbing treasuries. Good thing I don't believe in karma or justice. Annabeth took her position. The plan was entirely unchanged, except that Thalia was going to get the gate hinge, while me and Annabeth make sure no innocent people get mauled by the horrible beasts I'm about to summon. Annabeth nodded. The mist wouldn't come. I would really like to know how she did it. It was time to start summoning.
I used Riptide to draw a circle. I made several strings of words in Ancient Greek. It looked weird and occult like. That way, if anyone saw me, they will have no idea what I'm really doing. "Lord Hades, here my call." I said. This was the difficult part. In a sense, all monsters lived in Hades' realm, or at least they get send there every now and then. They're are ways of summoning monsters. Hundreds. Some play music, some use special scents. But I, ha ha, I get Hades to make a hole for me. Then all I have to do is widen it. Four hellhounds and a , damn you Hades. Four hellhounds and a Chimera. These people are doomed. And so am I, probably. Damn Karma. You've made me a believer.
Percy, go smash those walls!" yelled Annabeth. "And pray to the god of your choice that the wire's are in the walls!" She took out her own sword and ran after the hellhounds. Man. She had some how gotten the mist to make her look completely different. But Annabeth told me to use my powers recklessly. I love my life.
"Right now." I said grimly. I started creating a brief but extremely focused earthquake where I guessed the foundations of the treasury should be. Unfortunately, my brilliant plan to smash the walls had a flaw. See, roofs tend to need walls to stay in the air. Personally, I would feel sorry for the current government. They sure as hell are going to struggle to explain this.
Thalia started running towards the left wing where the artifacts were kept. And other stuff of value to the state. Well, it's hero time. I drew Riptide and held it calmly in front of my chest. I swung Timmy upside down in my other hand. It was currently as big as a long dagger. This was going to be intense. I had no idea how I'm going to take down the Chimera. I started running towards the screams.
The first Hellhound wasn't difficult. It was walking around calmly, apparently at ease with the fact that screaming people were running around him. "You come over here!" I yelled. The hellhound stared at me. So did the random civilians. " I mean the hellhound. Get over here!" He smirked at me unpleasantly as if to say "make me." I returned with a smirk that said "I'm smirking." Damn. I really need to work on my snappy retorts. "Okay, there only one thing left." I said. "Heel!"
I ran at the hellhound at full speed, pausing only to snag some Doritos. I swung Riptide in an arch above my head, bringing it down right before I came to the hellhound, with only the tip grazing his fur. The hellhound roared in reply, obviously unaware of my divine heritage or looks. He readied himself to pounce. I suddenly tried something Achilles taught me. I swung Riptide straight forward and nudged the tip into the ground. I swung myself on my sword, throwing my towards the hellhound, I headed straight towards him, ready to fight , when I fell to the ground right in front of him. Without a sword. You could actually hear the hellhound do something mocking laughter like. He reached forward, and found Timmy in his neck. An old trick actually. Lie on the ground , looking helpless and dead, and then when the enemy comes, stick a small easily hide able dagger into them. Of course, this trick bred the lovely custom of first sticking a spear in your enemy before going closer, but still. It was a sort of last resort technique for half bloods.
I stood up, grabbed Riptide, and acknowledged the people's cheering with a royal wave. I ran off, until I saw Josh and a hellhound, which suddenly disappeared. He suddenly saw me. "Hey Percy." said Josh. "Annabeth dealt with this dog. Oh yeah. She said something about tell that freaking moron Percy that he really shouldn't summon monsters that can kill us all in these times. Man, she sounds uptight."
"What ever Josh." I said. It was odd really. Monsters dissolve on death. And not even Annabeth is that fast. Whatever. I had more pressing matters to worry about. Like the Chimera who was standing in front of me. The one who had was ready to eat an defenseless Annabeth.
Review responses! Honestly, who didn't see this coming?
Becky Creighton: Have you noticed that all my even numbered chapters are a lot worse than the uneven number chapters?
Harold. N. Ere: Yeah. I hate fish mongers.
A great and terrible beauty: Same here.
Rugbyking: Yep. We have our worst coach ever and they refuse to fire him. We need a rugby miracle.
Phyco girl: Hopefully I haven't added any more suspense.
The Oraculer Fox: Yes, I have created many a humorous scene in the last chapter.
Author Notes: Sorry about the delay in posting this chapter. However, the next chapter is almost complete. Unfortunately, school has restarted. The updates will come less frequently from now one. If you discovered any of the four strange things in this chapter, don't worry. It will make sense later.