I steal my dad's nose
Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain.
Sometimes, I need to actually check what I'm doing. Sometimes, you, despite acting like things don't matter, start to realize they do. Sometimes, you realize that life, life probably exist just to piss you off. Sometimes you realize that you acted like an idiot and now your friends are about to be killed by your enemies. And not very original enemies either. This is what, the fourth time they tired to beat me? Of course looking back, that kind of arrogance probably almost cost my friends they're lives. Arrogance came naturally, to me, I was good at it. I was too used to winning all the time. Too used to winning, to remember I can lose. Back to my life!
"Okay." I whispered out of the corner of my move while loudly extending Timmy across the floor the cover up the noise.
"Although I can't hear you, it's extremely obvious you're planning an ill fated escape." said Kronos. "Do not even bother. It will be pointless. You will not survive, what is to come."
"Let me guess. I've read all about this is comic books." I said, "You'll put me in some rigorous trap maze thing where I'll get all busted up but will escape with my friends and survive?" I asked. You may ask yourself why I'm doing this. Number one, evil guys can't resist lording over you, making you feel like an idiot. Good people generally just ignore you or look in disbelief. Two, this annoys Kronos, so it must be good. Three, it gives Alex time to think of something. Hopefully my edge of annoyance will make Kronos forget that little fact.
"Percy, even if I was stupid and careless enough to do that, I would first inject you with a slow acting poison or something, which will ensure you die even if you get out." said Kronos. Wow. Why don't villains do that? And why do I have to get Kronos, the super villain titan guy as my nemesis. Sure, Spiderman thinks Venom is tough but Venom never ripped apart an entire Island.
"Oh, so will there be an antidote or something which I will get too at the last minute?" I asked. This is easy. I just have to imagine a random RPG setting.
"Percy, none of my poisons have antidotes." said Kronos. "Honestly, only a mortal fool will leave his enemy a way to survive. But your lucky. I need you to survive for about-
"Uh, master." said Luke cutting in. "The poisons, well uh, most of them now have antidotes. The men have had some accidents."
Kronos sighed. "Well, then I will order the men to through the antidotes in an incinerator." he said. "Or I will throw them into Georgia. But not into the sea. Our friend would find that too easy."
Damn he's good. But I have a loophole. "But, what if you accidentally through me into the incinerator too and the evaporated steam has a sort of healing effect and-. I was cut off at that point. Kronos pointed his hand at me and I flew into a chair, felt something crack against my back, and a thin trail of blood started flowing out from underneath me. Damn. There goes my second favorite Blink 182 t-shirt. Damn him.
"Percy. I have had enough of you pitiful attempt to distract me. I only allowed it to see if you can actually think of a decent plan. But seemingly, the obvious solution of jumping into the sea and letting your Father's power heal you didn't even occur, despite the fact that we're on a boat. Nor did the option of praying or leaving a sacrifice to the god of healing, Apollo. You still think like a mortal. I sometimes still have a hard time believing you can be crucial to my fate." said Kronos.
"I didn't ask for it." I said coldly. "Do you think I enjoyed being told that I would die before I could drive? Or legally drink? Or having learned that all that shit I put through in school doesn't and never will matter? Too be told that a whole bunch of pissed of all mighty deities with issues are suddenly in control of my life?"
"Anger." said Kronos, smiling coldly. "Anger that the gods ignored, and when they learned of your role in their fate, they suddenly want you to be their hero. When I look at you, I don't see a puppet. I don't see a moron, or as you call them, a hero. I see potential. Potential beyond you wildest dreams. I have sent monsters too destroy half bloods all my life. You're the first the defeat one as mighty as a minotaur with a training, or even a weapon."
"You're the reason those monsters are after us?" I asked. "Woah. When you want to make people's live shit you really put a lot of yourself into it."
"Oh, and Prometheus." said Kronos, who turned his cold eyes towards Alex. "Nice try." Alex looked like he was in agony. I mean real agony. I mean electrical equipment got attached to testicles agony. Alex seemed to hold out for a couple of seconds, and then fell to the ground, panting like a mongoose. Wow. My analogies have started to suck.
"You win." said Alex, sliding too the ground and fidgeting behind his back. Until he let out a yelp and put his hands in front of him. I could actually seem he try to think of a way out, but Kronos obviously blocked his way out.
"Yes, you know the whole, only attacking you when you're really young? That was to wipe out the weak. Only the strong should survive. Only Hades found out what I was doing, and built that camp. Which will soon be razed."
"Wait, if you're already resurrected, what to you need more half bloods for?" I asked.
"You know Percy, while giving out important information to the enemy , is true villain style, I will not succumb to it. Not even considering that you will most likely be dead in the next three minutes." You had to look really closely to notice, but after all this I was son angry that the sea started to respond automatically. You could see Kronos wine move slightly.
"Exactly as you predicted master." said Luke. "About Percy and those other gods." Other gods? Damn. There's no suspense.
"Ah yes." Said Kronos. "Artemis and Hades. As if they can take this ship by force. Not when Zeus interferes." Alex was now frantically looking around the room, as if trying to sniff something out.
"Nice try Alex. You won't be able to help them. And as or your-
"Percy, smash the cabinet!" yelled Alex.
"No you bastard it's an antique!" yelled Kronos and then he's eyes widened. "No! That's impossible! How did you?" Then suddenly comprehension dawned. Despite the fact that it was evening. "Letos." he breathed and his hand pulsed menacingly, just as Timmy plunged into the cabinet. Something broke. Something that wasn't supposed to be broken.
Alex smiled, and pointed as a flash of light erupted. Some of the things in the room disintegrated like they were hundreds of years older.
"Alex what the fuck is going on?" I asked.
"It's complicated." said Alex. "Let's just say Oranos is coming back, and he's extremely pissed off."
Kronos stood in the centre of the room, seemingly thinking of a way out. I slashed through Annabeth and Thalia rope's and helped them up.
"Percy, what did he mean Oranos is coming back?" asked Annabeth. I scarcely had time to notice but someone grabbed Alex and dragged him out the room. He drew his sword and started fighting with some kind of hot woman goddess chick.
"This." said Oranos as he stepped out of the rift. He seemed to search for something, grabbed it and with another flash of light he stood there. Back, and better than the last time I saw him. When he had two minotaur horn shaped holes in his sides.
"Father." said Kronos coldly.
"Father?" said Oranos, with his eyebrow half raised. "You know, after I had you, I seriously considered to stop drinking."
"Insults won't save you." said Kronos. "Nothing, is going to save you." Ohhhhhh, nice emphasis.
"You thought you could keep me back." said Oranos softly. "You won't bring me down again. Not ever."
"Right." said Kronos. "Just like you invincible reign." Oranos didn't exactly express his pissed offness vocally, I instead his eyes flared with dark rage.
"Revenge is best served with your enemy's steaming entrails." said Oranos. "Alex." he yelled suddenly. "We need to blast them back and get out of this ship. Slowly."
"Got it." said Alex. Damn. I hate codes. "Percy, you Thalia and Annabeth must go and get, no stop the other hero's on the ship. And watch out for the monsters who want to eat. Just avoid death okay?" asked Alex and turned with lightning speed slashed at the goddess who fell back. "Get your dad's body. We need it to revive him." My dad's body? So...despite me repeated protests I'm still going to be forced to run a morgue zone. Isn't that tickety boo?
Kronos yelled and thrust forward with his sword, which Oranos almost lazily blocked. He pointed with his hand and me, Luke, Thalia and Annabeth were thrown out the room, albeit in different directions. As I was flying I saw a the cabinet against which I was leaning disintegrate. Now that was the kind of situation which makes me regret that I wasn't standing in front of a curtain, so that I could make a lame joke about curtain calls.
You know, when people get blasted through walls in the stories the usually forgot to put in that the hero yells stuff like "Oh fuck my shoulder! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! My ankle! Shit, where did that light fixture come from?" and the like. In fact, I only went through four walls. I only stopped when I had a patrol that had one half blood, one hellhound and a cockatrice in it. This was going to get messy.
"Okay." said the half blood. "What's your excuse this time? What did we do wrong this time?" Wait? Kronos punishes his warriors by throwing zombified humans at them? Creative.
"Uh." I began in a slow drawl. "One of you has has has, has been a very naughty boy. Apparently he took some unnecessary liberties during disemboweling practice. Specifically, the cleaning lady." Okay, while they argue which one of them is the naughty boy, I will cleverly stick my sword though the monster, then give them a partially fatal skewering.
"Wait, you look familiar..." said the guy. "Hellhound, identify him." What the...?
"He's a son of Poseidon?" said the hell hound, in an almost ethereal voice.
"But that can only mean...attack!" yelled the half blood and delivered a quick spear thrust, which I sidestepped.
"You know they say the pen is mightier than the sword?" I asked, slowly pulling riptide out of my pocket. "In my case, the pen is the sword." I pulled the top off. The hellhound lunged. The cockatrice shot a petrifaction beam at me. Which would have turned me into an unbelievably hot statue.
"Give up." said another half blood, who had a small patrol of attack harpies with him. Now, I was officially trapped. I did the sensible thing, and smashed my sword into a door, and ran through it.
"We're sleeping." said a zombified voice. "We're sleeping. We not prepared for past tense. We're sleeping." Damn. I have the choose the room of the people who were chosen to take an afternoon nap. Well, here I make my stand. It's better than out in the open.
An overly excited hell hound jumped through the now open doorway. I slashed Riptide straight at him, and quickly pulled it up when he leaped upwards. He pushed downwards with his paw, causing my sword to loose it's momentum. Now I had a very angry dog at my leg. I kicked out as hard as I could, the hound let out a yelp and bit me hard. Now you know why hero's don't generally wear jeans when fighting a deadly enemy. Cause they're easily ruined with blood.
"Dammit." I whispered to no one in particular. "I need water." I brought the but of my sword down hard on the hellhound who had retained a firm yet subtle grip on my leg. I swung the blade down fast leaving a thin gash in the side of the hellhounds shoulder.
"My Lord." came a creepy voice. "Remember the showers." Okay, that made it on my top forty freaky list. It was a probably a short runner for number twenty seven.
Now, it was, like when the full moon shines brightly, and the mighty manticore takes on the cursed werewolf, it was on now. I drew Timmy and threw the sword in the general direction of the door. The guys on the other side of the door quickly went in other directions. I then ran backwards, hastily pursued by the hellhound, pausing only to tip a pretty big tv on the hellhound, who did not appreciate the creative viewing. I jumped into the bathroom and opened all the taps, all the shower taps, and let the water flow around me, healing me. I then did one of the smartest things in my life. I stuck Riptide into one of the ships water pipes. And called all the water from the ballast tank to me. All the water from a massive cruise liners ballast tank into one cramped little room. See the clever bit is this. They can drown. I can't.
You might ask yourself why the ship isn't sinking. And why the zombified people aren't drowning. Oh shit. I didn't make a plan for the last one yet. I ran back into the room. Oh yeah, the ballast tank I drained was the last one in the line. So my control over water pretty much acted like a second ballast tank. I just had to make sure enough of it was in the same place to stop the boat from caponizing. Good. Now, all I need to do is save those people.
One quick focused wave and the monsters were off my case. "Okay people." I said. "I need you to leave in an orderly fashion."
"We're currently drowning." said the people, one man, one woman and two kids. " We're not currently sleeping. We're drowning." Oh fuck. This is going to be a lot more difficult than I suspected.
"Okay, zombie like creatures. What to do, what to do..." I whispered, once again to no one in particular, in the hopes that they would once again help out.
"My lord, do not worry." came that same voice. "They are safe. We have more pressing things to attend to."
"Okay, who are you and why am I your lord?" I asked. "Your not an invisible horse right?" Remind me later to tell you the story of the invisible horse, the parsnip and the bad clams. Hurghhhh.
"No, my lord." said a quickly materializing shade. "I'm a deceased hero who was cursed to Tartuarus. I'm currently still atoning for my sins. If I succeed, Hades shall free me from my curse."
"Right." I said. "So, if you were trapped on Tarturas how did you get on this ship?"
"Have you not yet wondered why so many dead live in this place?" asked the shade, his features becoming more pronounced. He had long, skeletal hand and a dark cloak with flaming red eyes. He seemed to almost float but you could just make out a pair on ancient boots touching the floor. Awesome. We should go to an anime convention together.
"Shades of the dead. A luxury cruiser full of hypnotized people and monsters. I thought it was just Kronos' idea of making it even more intimidating." I said.
"No Perseus." said the voice. "When Kronos became embodied within the sarcophagus, his presence caused a rift between the two worlds. He needed the dark power of Tartuarus to continue reviving him. We dead simply went with the flow. We chose not to leave the ship. We saw this as our one chance to redeem ourselves to Hades."
"Wait...so you guys can flow on waves of chaotic energy? Why can't monsters do that?" I asked.
"They do it Perseus." said the shade. "That's how Kronos built his army. But we must go towards your father remains. I shall address your questions while we walk."
I was silent for a moment. "Okay, if you know I need to find my dad's remains, do you also know why I need to find him? It's not going to wind up like one of these freaky burials where just as I lower the casket my dad suddenly breaks through it and yells, "Fuck Percy I told you I wanted an open casket!" Really. I had nightmares about that. Immortal think they're "ha ha, I'm not really dead" jokes are so funny. Really. Most of the kids in the Ares cabin and Ares himself are banned from half the grave yards in central New York.
"Perseus, Alex and Oranos require your dad's remains to revive him." said the shade. "Although the bodies most gods appear in aren't there true bodies, the contain part of the gods living essence, the essence which is required for the god to return to a living form. It's difficult but I shall explain it do you simply." said the shade, and began a monologue. It was actually interrupted half way through by a couple of half bloods and a very angry drunk griffin, but for the sake of easy reading, I won't interrupt the monologue again.
"See, Persues, gods and titans are immortal. When they die, they are send to Tarturas where the roam in their true immortal forms. However, to return to their living bodies, the bodies must first be prepared. For the bodies remain. The gods can't take their earthen bodies with them. Now, to get the bodies together is easy enough. The trouble is Hades. He blocks the direct flow of the true form to the body. When Kronos went through a different path, his entire body needed to be reformed and he even needed some of the life force of halfbloods to fully return. Now, the reason for Oranos and Poseidon's easier return is simple. Hades does not block the exit for them. But Kronos of course planned for that." It was at that point in which we were violently attacked. I won't go into the details but it was really action packed. And kinda stupid. A drunken griffin really isn't in control of it's claws.
"That cabinet you shattered was made out of a tree that Luke cut down while he was in the garden of Hesperaides. It contained a piece of Oranos. Kronos then somehow altered the piece so that it automatically drew all of Oranos' life essence to it, but can't in itself leave the cabinet. When you smashed the cabinet, Oranos' true form could connect the piece with the rest of his body, which Prometheus mailed to someone random mortal, and then rematerialiased in the same room to challenge Oranos. As I understand, the titan Letos stole the rest of the pieces and readied them."
"So you see, when Luke killed your father he did the same and hid the body parts across America. The only part on the ship is your dad's nose." said the shade.
"So wait, I have to go steal my dad's nose?" I asked. That is a new theme for a game gods can play with their kids.
"Yes." said the shade. "We're nearing it as we speak. Currently your friends Annabeth and Thalia are holding their own in a remarkable way against Kronos' army. Alex has defeated his opponent and is cutting a swath through Kronos' forces. Oranos and Kronos and still trapped in a stale mate battle."
"Wait, how do you know all this?" I asked. Those death answer all questions? I didn't think so. I always argued that if death answered all questions, it should also answer the question of how to return to live.
"I know much." said the shade. "For instance, I could tell you of what kind of importance you are amongst the hero's of old."
"Yeah, like I'm the greatest hero of all time." I said sarcastically.
"No, that's Prometheus's brother." said the shade "You are the four."
"I'm the what?" I asked. Okay, This is getting to weird. This dead guy is telling tales.
"You're the four." he repeated patiently. 'The fourth greatest hero who ever lived. First was, Thryanes, the first and greatest hero of all time, who invented the very concept of sacrificing for others for no personal gain. Next was Hercules, the strongest warrior ever, who was driven to madness by Hera, and then atoned for what he never meant to do. Then there was Odysseus, the only hero who hated fighting, the hero who wanted only peace and prosperity for his people but was betrayed by another so called hero. Then you, and adolescent and easily amused boy." Ha. Adolescent is a funny word. Wait, what?
"Right." I said evenly. "So, that is pretty awesome I guess. But you were a hero right. Who were you?" I asked. Creepy. It's times like these you almost forget I'm talking to a dead guy.
"I'm Thryanes." said the shade evenly. 'And no, I was not the one who said I was the greatest hero of al time. Achilles first said it and everyone else agreed."
"Wait, then why were you send to Tartuarus?" I asked.
"Because there were humans, and I stood against the titans for them. The titans took a dim view of it. Of course, when Hades took the realm of the dead, he made my life, or lack of it, a lot easier. He tried to get approval at a meeting for me to be send out of Tartuarus, but Zeus said that would give the titans a chance to escape and he won't take such risk for one pathetic mortal. Now, Hades has given me a second chance."
"But why would helping me get you out?" I asked. "Because, when your father leaves Tartuarus, I can leave with him. But for that, I would have to be at the place he is going to be resurrected. So I will, while you hunt for the pieces, guide and teach you and Annabeth and Thalia. Only don't tell Alex. I'd rather not face him."
Sure I interrupted him a couple of times, but still. Some damn good monolouging there. Damn fine monlouging. We continued walking until we reached a door. "Behind this door?" I asked.
"Yes. It's time to steal your dad's nose." said the shade and went through the door.
Thankfully, my power over had allowed me to make Timmy drift to me. I had to wait like, two minutes. When Timmy arrived, I slid the blade into the keyhole, and enlarged the sword, smashing the lock. You won't believe how smash able small intricate, unpick able locks are.
"Eww." I said. "They keep my dad's nose in the filter?" No offence, but this type of thing just shows you how little class Luke has.
"No." said the shade of Thryanes. "I believe this is the container that they mix with gas to make soft tricks." Okay, guess it is better to keep my nose out of other people's soda business. Yes! I just realized how many potential body part puns I can construct!
I slashed through the container with Riptide, and took out my dad's nose. I renarrate, ew. "We must go." said Thryanes' shade. "Kronos will have placed safeguards to alert him you stole the nose." Great. Now I have my father's nose in more ways than one. Whoo! I'm on a roll!
"Wait, if he has safeguards, why didn't they just kill me?" I asked.
"Because, he supposed you might try to steal the parts and although he really doesn't want Poseidon to return, he also really needs you alive." Okay. That settles that. "Now Perseus, it's time we leave the heroic persona, and get the fuck out of here."
We started running through the corridors, using my sea compass and Thryanes' memory to ensure we ran in the right direction. "Stop!" yelled a phalanx of heavily armed half bloods. He then laughed. "Right Percy, I know your stupid but even you can count. Give up, or get shot down." As if to emphasize his point, four guys at the back pointed their bows in my direction.
Suddenly they froze. In snarling positions. "Isn't this a Kodak moment?" asked Oranos, who smiled sincerely at me.
"My Lord." I said, and got on one knee. In case your wondering, I had dissed Oranos before. He kept me in 2:55 for seven hours. It was very annoying.
"Don' worry Percy, I won't do that again." said Oranos. For a second he stared at where Thryanes was standing, but then returned his eyes to the prize. Me.
"He can't see or hear me." said Thryanes. "No one can unless I let them, and at the moment I'm only letting you."
"So if I speak to you I'll look like a complete idiot?" I asked.
"You already do." said Thryanes. "Oh yeah, I think Oranos is getting suspicious."
"No Percy, I swear I won't freeze you at one of your less presentable times." said Oranos. "Now come on. We have three minutes before Zeus gets Kronos out."
We started running. I wonder in what they put him. Probably not in a corner where he could think of how bad he's been for the past seven hundred thousand years. Oranos froze everyone who came in our way. With two minutes to spare we jumped on to land.
"So we got Oranos back and this really neat pen." said Alex. "All in all, a pretty good quest."
Author Notes: Sorry bout the delay. I forgot to mention on my last chapter that I had exams. Wow. This is the longest chapter I ever wrote. Hope you enjoyed it.
A great and terrible beauty: My favorite chapter is Thunderstruck. Jeff is my favorite non canon character.