I'm sorry for taking so long to update but i have been so busy with exams and school.
If someone ever asked me what heaven is to me, I would answer them with an excessively long detailed monologue describing this moment right here, right now. Sunlight is creeping through the white curtains, hitting my skin gently and inviting me to enjoy what the rest of the day has to offer, I'm lying in soft sheets, and warmth is filling my body and inspiring all sorts of happiness in it. And I am gazing at one of the people that matter most in my life. And it's a one hell of a view. I just love looking at his face, he looks like a dream with his messy golden hair and silk skin. This is my heaven: waking up in his arms after falling asleep together. Spending hours in bed together and pretending like we have no responsibilities waiting for us outside of this room; that we can just be whatever we want to be even for a short time. Also I've grown attached to our late night talks that have become an almost daily activity for us, and being able to achieve different sorts of both emotional and physical satisfaction. I never knew that such bliss could be obtained so effortlessly, so recklessly.
"I'm willing to bet that you're staring.. again!" he said while keeping his eyes closed and I couldn't help but to let out a giggle.
"Actually it's called gazing!" I say jockingly while watching his mouth shift into a smile that made me laugh as well.
"Still creepy" he claimed.
"Or adorably romantic" I reply, because I know that no one has ever felt more romantic in the history of humanity.
And that's when he opened his green eyes, and switched his position so that our faces would be facing one another.. He focused his looks on my eyes and I felt myself melt under his stare. He allowed his hands to run freely and carelessly in my hair. And suddenly he pulled me closer and attacked my lips with his, so tenderly yet with such hunger. His hands travel throughout my body making me feel electrified and releasing me to float in this endless moment. While my hands choose to stay positioned on his neck and his waist, as If I was trying to find a way to make our figures merge into one, for our souls to touch and become one and the same. That's a humble summary of my heaven and I pray to all gods that nothing will make my Eden come to an end.
My phone keeps on buzzing and even though I've ignored it countless times, the caller is insisting on making me pick up. I sigh with such annoyance at the thought of having to let go of him in order to answer our interrupter. I grab my phone and pick up while Stefan is refusing to fully let go of me, and continuing to trace a trail of kisses on my neck and back and even tickling me at time.
"Hello.. Stefan stop it" I say even though I'm one hundred percent sure that whoever is on the other side of the line could hear me loud and clear but I'm a very ticklish person and I can't help it.
"Elena.. Honey.. It's your mother" Is what I heard coming through the phone although I refuse to believe it. I haven't talked to my parents ever since I graduated from college.
"Mom ? … Are you okay?" Is all I manage to say.. And Stefan stopped teasing me when he noticed the signs of sadness and shock painting on my face. Even though he kept his hand wrapped in mine for me to channel strength and support.
" Yes.. I know that we haven't spoken in a while but I wouldn't have bothered you if it weren't important" replied my parent and I felt such guilt and shame because I let my mother think that her presence in my life is a derangement.
"Mom..You could never bother me.. What's wrong? "
"Your father and I, we were attending a relative's baby shower in Manhattan.. You know her Elizabeth.. Your second cousin, the one who married that rich fancy lawyer.. And your father had a heart attack.." Explained my mother and I felt a tear rolling down my cheek but I couldn't say a thing. I wanted to yell and scream tell her how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her when she needed me, beg her to forgive me and tell me where my father is. I wanted to do something, to say something but I found myself completely speechless.. I kept breathing through the phone until my mother interrupted my deadly silence.
"Anyway, he is staying in a hospital in Manhattan… I could text you the address if you … maybe wanted to visit him.. He is still unconscious but I know that your presence would mean a lot to him"
"I'm coming right now .. And mom …"
"Yes baby"
"I love you", I said and broke into tears.
"I love you to the moon and back dear" She answered with a trembling voice hinting her tears. I love you to the moon and back, that's what she used to tell me as a child every night before putting me to sleep.
I put down my phone and Stefan grabbed me into a hug instantly, consoling me and being my shoulder to cry on. He kept murmuring how everything is okay, and how everything is going to be just fine.
And that made me feel even worse because I don't deserve to have things go my way and be just okay, not after everything I did and everything that I keep doing. I stole away the life of their youngest child, I left them alone with their sorrow as their only companion and I wasn't there for them, I keep lying to Stefan and using him to write a freaking book although I'm very emotionally invested in our relationship and so is he… so, no everything isn't fine.
I asked Bonnie to drive me to the hospital, after having to beg Stefan no to do so after convincing him that it's not the right time for me to introduce him to my family and that seeing Bonnie after so many years could help make my mom a bit joyous.
I've never felt so much anxiety and nervousness all at once. I haven't lay eyes on my mother for several years, and the only reason that let us to meet again is the possible fatality of my father. I have missed her so much; the smell of her hair, her indescribable warm hugs and relieving words of wisdom. I miss my father just as much, how he used to kiss me goodnight and read me bed stories, how much he tried to cultivate me and especially his funny jokes and his cheesy one liners. I miss everything that my life used to be like before I was embodied by a monster and a killer. I miss who I was back then, I miss how much joy I used to feel without trying so hard every second to fulfill it. I miss that I was their pride and joy .. I miss Jeremy.
I am walking towards the room my mother assigned me in her text like a lifeless robot. I'm on foot and I wish that I could just disappear for a moment so that I could gather my thoughts and be prepared for is yet to come without turning into a wreck and destroying everything. I asked Bonnie to wait outside for a moment and she nodded in understanding and told me that she'll be right outside In case I needed her for whatever reason.
My heart is beating crazy fast. I think my hands are shaking and I find it uneasy to breathe. Until my eyes meet hers and without putting much thought into it I fall in her arms and they welcome me with so much hospitality. And suddenly I go back to being the fragile happy teenager I was before everything turned upside down. Time and distance haven't changed a thing. She still smells the same, like home … and her hugs are warmer and feel safer than I remember. We are both storming in tears; apologizing to each other in mumbling and telling one another how much their absence has cost us.
My dad is lying on a bed, motionless. His features are blank and his skin is shivery and cold. I position myself beside him on a blue small chair that I found in the room and my mom excused herself under the excuse that she would like to go out and say hi to bonnie.
I took his hand in mine and I said
"I'm sorry daddy.. I really am.. I'm sorry that I let you down , that I left you when you needed me the most and that I have destroyed your life. I wish you could hear me. It's me .. Elena your little baby girl. The one you used to have so much hope and faith in. I'm here now dad and I'm not leaving you again. I'm going to work hard to be the person you've raised me to be. I will regain everything that I lost in the process.. but please dad.. I need you to wake up and guide me through it, I need you by my side like you have always been."
I'm crying and yelling and doing everything that I couldn't a couple hours later. I'm speaking the truth that's been hidden in my heart for so long. And In that moment I could have sworn that his hand grabbed mine back. His eyes opened up a little and he smiled my way. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. Is it a miracle or a smart succession of events lead by coincidence.. I will never know but at least I can help him take full advantage of how the universe is working our way . So I hurried down the hall asking for a doctor to come and check up on my dad ,my hero.