Scrooge You.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Act Three: Herbert the Shin-Kicker's Holiday Keg Party

Lambert rolled around his bed uncomfortably, unknowingly throttling the teddy bear as he unleashed his repressed homicidal tendencies in the midst of sleep. His eyes snapped open suddenly, as he was in a cold sweat. Something was amiss; he could feel it in his bowels.

He sat up, and a rumbling in his stomach agreed that there was definitely something amiss in his bowels. "Uh…." He groaned, realizing that perhaps the chicken potpie was not quite cooked all the way, and because of that he now had….

Well, he had gas. Pretty bad.

Fanning his nose with his hand, he slowly made his way to the bathroom.

As this fiction is currently at a K+ rating, I shall not describe in detail what exactly occurred in the bathroom, but let's just say, when he left it, he was feeling mighty pleased with himself and about ten pounds lighter.

Lambert flushed the toilet and proceeded to his chambers.

Lambert failed to realize that there was another occupant of the bed, instead plopping down unceremoniously and beginning to fall asleep, his teddy bear entrenched under his arm. However, Lambert quickly felt a tapping on his shoulder, his eyes widened and his grip on the teddy bear tightened.

"Morning sleepy head!" Came a rather pleased voice.

Lambert jumped straight up in the air, which was unfortunate, as he had a canopy bed and banged his head against a wooden frame. "Who're you!" He demanded.

He looked to find a figure sprawled out on his bed, covered in a white sheet that had eyeholes cut out and said 'Ghost' in scrawled magic marker. The figure stood up slowly.

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!" It stated in a fake tenor voice.

Lambert squinted at it, and realized that the 'Ghost' was wearing cheetah-patterned capris pants under the sheet, "No you're not!"

The ghost put its hands on its hips, "I am too!" It protested.

Lambert snorted, "You are not! Only one person in the entire book series wears animal prints! And that's Serena!"

The 'ghost' smacked a hand against its forehead, "Damn! My cover is blown by the animal prints!" It stated, pulling off the sheet to show that it was, in fact, Serena. "But I really am serving as the Ghost of Christmas Past!" She whined, "Selene asked me too!"

Lambert rolled his eyes, "Yeah right, prove it!" He demanded.

Serena smiled, "Last year you gave all of your co-workers gift cards to Hobby Lobby."

"That doesn't prove anything! Everyone knows I give terrible gift cards!"

"You told a kindergarten class that there was no such thing as Santa, and then ruined the ending to the latest Harry Potter book. Just to be a jerk." Serena continued.

Lambert gave a chuckle at remembering the children's faces when he had told them that SPOILER! dies at the end of The Half Blood Prince. But he quickly recovered, "That's still not enough to convince me to go with you."

Serena tapped the side of her head, trying to think of something to convince him that she was the real deal, "Oh! I got it! You didn't wash your hands after you just used the bathroom!"

There was a silence.

"Alright, fine! Where are we going?" Lambert huffed, upset at having been thwarted yet again.

"To the past, duh."

Lambert scratched his head, "Wait a minute, why are you the Ghost of Christmas Past when Catty is the Daughter with the ability to time travel?"

Serena's eyes shifted around nervously, "Uh, disregard the plot holes!" She cried in her best ghost voice. Serena then looked at her watch, which she had because she was neither poor nor cheap, "Oh my! It's already almost one and we haven't even started yet!" She stretched out her hand, "Here grab my hand and let's get a move on!" She paused as she remembered that Lambert didn't believe in washing his hands after he used the bathroom, "On second thought, why don't you just follow closely?" Her eyes narrowed, "But not too closely."

"Whatever." He muttered, walking behind her.

Serena snorted, "By the way, nice pajamas!"

Just as Lambert was about to retort, the two were swept away into another scene.

OoOoOoOo

Lambert looked around at his latest surroundings. There was a shack comprised of ramshackle plywood, children running around in Black Cloaks Of Doom, and a huge, intimidating sign that stated 'Skewl of Eeville!'. Several dead woodland creatures lay on the path that went to the shack.

His eyes widened, "My god! We've entered my childhood! This is where I went to school!"

Serena grimaced as she saw a dead raccoon, "Uh, yes, lovely." She muttered.

Lambert's face fell when he saw a short, stocky boy in a Black Cloak of Doom run passed them, "Hey, that's Marty! That jerk owes me money!" Lambert pulled up his sleeve and chased after the child, attempting to tackle him to the ground, but falling straight through him, "What the blazes? Why isn't he eating dirt?" He asked his guide.

"The people here can not see or hear you," She said absently, picking at her nails, "For their own safety." She muttered to herself.

All the little hellions were currently heading towards a somewhat clubhouse, which was omitting bright lights and happy music.

"What's going on?" Serena asked.

Cheesy flashback music cued as Lambert stared longingly at the clubhouse, "That's Herbert the Shin-kicker's annual Holiday Keg Party."

Serena's eyes widened in amazement, "You had Keg Parties at twelve years old!"

Lambert puffed out his chest, "We were bad asses!" He said proudly, then his chest deflated, "I was never invited to the Keggers."

"Hm," Serena said knowingly, "Well, not everyone's at Herbert's Keg Party, there's a little, neglected, smelly, isolated, loser in the school still. Let's go poke at him!"

Lambert's mood lifted considerably at the opportunity to go pick on some little dorky outcast, "Ooo! Let's!" He declared, as the two made their way to the school.

After they found some lonely little boy and considerably humiliated him for not being cool, Serena turned to Lambert, "Hey, where are you as a kid?"

Lambert felt himself go into shame mode, "Uh, I don't remember."

Serena looked at him in disbelief, "Oh sure you do!"

Lambert exhaled slowly, "Fine, I was in the Home Ec. room."

Serena stifled a few chortles with her hands, "Dork." She said.

Lambert sent her a cross look and folded his arms in front, "I was learning my trade!"

Serena just shook her head and headed towards the Home Ec room, where sure enough, there was a younger version of Lambert sitting at a desk with an embroidery hoop. "That's you?" She asked.

Lambert nodded proudly, "Sure is, wasn't I a dashing little schoolboy?"

Serena looked at the boy, who had dandruff, greasy hair, a severe acne problem, and a rather noticeable body odor. His face was twisted up as if he were constipated, "Um, sure, quite, uh, dashing."

Suddenly, another boy entered the room, also wearing a Black Cloak of Doom.

"Who's that?" Asked Serena.

Lambert seemed deep in thought, "Oh yes, that was my dear friend, Catty's Dad." He stated.

The boy took a seat next to young Lambert, "Hey Lambey, are you going with me to Herbert the Shin-Kicker's Holiday Keg Party?"

Young Lambert snorted, "As if. Last time I went over there, they threw rocks at me and burned my embroidery hoop!" To strengthen his point; he lifted the now charred embroidery hoop to Catty's Dad's eye level.

Catty's Dad sighed, "That's only because you said Herbert's momma was so fat she saw a school bus and yelled 'Follow that twinkie!'."

Lambert the older laughed, "That was a good one!"

"So!" Young Lambert protested, "He said that my landscape painting in art class looked like a crapscape!"

Catty's Dad groaned, "But think about it Lambert! All the free beer! We could get drunk and have a blast playing pin the tail on the donkey!"

"How much free beer?" The younger Lambert asked.

"Tons! Enough to even get me smashed!"

Younger Lambert sighed and reluctantly set down his embroidery hoop, "All right, but just for a little bit."

Catty's Dad withdrew a funnel hat from his Black Cloak of Doom and the two went off into the distance.

Serena had watched the scene in mild horror, "Had a bit of an alcohol problem, didn't he?"

Lambert nodded somberly, still sore at the memories of the stinging crapscape comment, "So he had, I'll not deny it."

"He died a young man, didn't he?" She asked, cheesy sad moment music beginning to cue.

Lambert scratched his chin, "Actually, I don't think he's dead."

"Oh." Serena said, slightly bummed that her huge dramatic moment had been ruined, "Well, he had, I believe, children?" She said, trying yet again to opt for a dramatic moment.

Lambert began to wonder if she was a few sticks short of a bundle, "Yes, Catty." Under his breath he muttered, "Stupid little brat, that Catty."

Serena smacked her hand against her face, all chances for a redeeming moment of humanity ruined, "You know what, let's just go to a different Christmas."

"But I want to go to the Keg Party-" He pouted.

Lambert's protests were yet again cut short as they were transported into another scene.