AN: The lyrics of Lambert's song are a parody from Scrooge's song A Muppet Christmas Carol. If it's a parody it ain't plagarism! Yay!
Final Act: 'Tis the Season
The sunlight of Christmas morning drifted gently through the open slits in the blinds, softly landing on the sleeping Lambert's face. Birds outside chirped happily, and improbable snow fell angelically from the sky. It was a beautiful morning, a morning of redemption, of kindness, of Christmas warmth-
MAH MAH MAH
-went Lambert's alarm, effectively ruining the lovely tranquility.
Lambert blinked blearily, it slowly registering that it was Christmas Day, the day that he would forsake his evil ways and Begin Life Anew.
Lambert hit snooze. It was freaking cold and his bed was comfy, damn it.
---
When the newly reformed evil overlord finally got his lazy ass out of bed, the first thing he did (after securing his shoujo manga of course), was to fling open the windows of his apartment dramatically, crushing the chirping birds that were resting on the ledge to death.
"Ah," he said, "Christmas morning at last!"
An eerie sensation occurred when Lambert said the word 'Christmas' instead of the traditional 'Fourth Week of December'. An inner glow sparked in him, and he felt…lighter.
He looked down and noticed a person walking underneath his window ledge, overcome with good tidings, he yelled down.
"You there! Boy!"
The person looked up, revealing one slightly annoyed telekinetic Daughter of the Moon who was most certainly not a boy, "I'm a girl!"
Lambert rolled his eyes, "Whatever. Bring me a big ass turkey!"
Tianna scowled, "Buy your own groceries! I have things to do, you know!"
Lambert wondered why all of these new deities were awfully preoccupied all of the time, "I'll pay you double! It's to host a Christmas feast at Stanton's home!"
Tianna's nose scrunched up in distaste, "Why would you want to go there? It's dirty."
Lambert sighed, "I'm redeeming my awful personality by being kind to a slightly less awful personality."
Tianna scratched her head, "Double?" She inquired.
Lambert cringed a bit, but a hand went to the pocket of his nighties all the same, "Double." He said, tossing a sack full of all nickels down to her. (Lambert believed that if he kept his money in small coins, it would feel like he had more of it.)
The sack clocked Tianna square on the head, and she crumpled like a sack of potatoes, or more fittingly, a sack of nickels.
Lambert, of course, paid no mind, strolling away from the window whistling a gentle tune. It was Christmas! He had joys to bring!
Tianna lay on the ground, getting slowly covered with snow. Some kids began to steal some of the nickels.
---
With a jaunty sort of cheer, Lambert fixed the dusty top hat on his head, giving it a slant to appear more gentleman like. His pajamas had been changed in favor of an expensive charcoal gray not black suit. Good tidings were coming! In fact, Lambert felt so damn generous that…
That…
That…he wanted to sing!
The Follower opened the door with great zeal, carefully sidestepping over the unconscious Daughter of the Moon. In his arms was a large wicker basket carried with a multitude of presents.
Clearing his throat, Lambert allowed the song of the season to settle in his heart, as he started walking, "It's in the slashing of a mean person's tire, it's pushing jerks into a roaring fire. It's true whenever you need revenge, it feels like Christmas!"
Several people stopped in their tracks, eyeing the singing nut job with wary concern.
"Merry Christmas!" Lambert broke his song to say happily, "A cup of toxin that we share with another, tons of presents that we destroy for another. Oh yes wherever you find revenge, it feels like Christmas!"
A kid aimed a snowball at him, but it flew by his head.
Lambert added a little skip to his step as he came across a very familiar place, "It is, the vengeance of the spirit, the message if you hear it, to make it last all year!" He opened the door and went on in.
Bypassing all of the hippie items, Lambert entered the living room where Vanessa, Michael, Catty, and Kyle were playing Scrabble. Catty and Kyle looked at him in shock.
"Merry Christmas!" Beamed Lambert, tossing a package from the wicker basket of giving at them. Kyle caught it and looked at it in confusion.
"Condoms?"
"I'd like to invite you to a grand turkey dinner at Stanton's house!" Lambert pressed on, not even paying attention to the nervous looks on the teens' faces.
Michael looked up at Lambert, "Do you even have his permission to have dinner at his house?"
"Merry Christmas!" Lambert said with more force, dancing out of the house.
Kyle looked offended, "Hey, these are extra small sized condoms!"
---
"A time a child will always remember, ruining their otherwise happy December-" Lambert continued to sing off-key as he entered the Castillo residence, where Serena and Jimena were in the kitchen making cookies.
"Here you go, you young whippersnappers!" Lambert said in a jolly manner, tossing two presents at the girls who caught them easily. "And I want to invite you to Stanton's house for Christmas supper!"
Serena stared blankly at the leopard-print leotard, "Um, Stanton can't cook-"
Jimena outright glared at the pink My Little Pony quilt.
"Merry Christmas!" Lambert said again, quickly exiting.
---
"It's true wherever you find revenge, it feels like Christmas!" Lambert stopped singing when he recognized a very familiar hobo peeing on a very familiar mailbox, and out of his wicker basket he pulled a out a jar, "Here you are my good sir."
The hobo took the jar and started peeing in it instead.
"Merry Christmas!" Lambert called, before he made the final steps to Stanton's house.
---
Lambert knocked very sharply on the door towards Stanton's one roomed house. After about twenty minutes of straight persistant knocking, a bleary eyed Stanton finally opened the door. His eyes widened.
"Oh shit, Lambert, not today. I've got a killer hangover and-"
"Stanton!" Barked Lambert in a false cold tone, "I demand you let me into your house and serve food to a ton of people that you don't even necessarily like."
Suddenly, Cassandra appeared in the door frame, soup ladle in hand, "Oh hell no, you think you can just barge on in here and take over our one-"
Cassandra didn't even get to finish her rant before Lambert barged on in there and took over their one-roomed house. He kicked the Transformers sleeping bag, where a half awake Skipper surfaced.
"Who are you?" She asked in confusion.
"Doesn't matter. Get to the stove and cook women!" Lambert demanded, thrusting the rest of the basket at her, which contained various instant potpies.
Skipper looked over at Cassandra, who was still ranting angrily at the Lambert-sized space in front of the door. Stanton looked as if he were about to puke. Knowing that this was going to be a losing battle no matter what happened, Skipper obediently went to the stove and began to cook the potpies.
"Good," Lambert said, before he kicked away the young man in the Hello Kitty midriff, "Useless one?"
Murray blinked awake at him, "Yeah?"
"I'm here to forcibly bring good cheer to your home!"
Murray's face brightened and he jerked wide awake, excited to share Christmas, "Yeah!"
"So I need you to leave the house for the afternoon."
Murray's face fell, and he sulkily began to pack his things, "…yeah."
Then Lambert turned towards Karyl, who was discretely hiding in a corner, "You! You're in charge of decorations! I want festive bubble wrap and sea-creature-murdering décor everywhere! Get to it!"
Karyl saluted, sprinting to bring festivity to the drab one room house.
Lambert then turned towards Tiny Tymmie, who was sitting very adorably on a small stool, "And you!" He said, Tiny Tymmie looked up with watery eyes. Lambert felt himself turn into a giant woobie, "Aw, you just sit there and look adorable!"
Tiny Tymmie nodded, "Can do!"
Lambert clapped his hands together, very worn out from bossing everybody around, "That'll do it."
---
Forty minutes later, everyone sat around the large table in the middle of the one-roomed house, miniature potpies set out for everyone. At the head of the table was Lambert, who wore a very disconcerting smile. But no one saw reason to complain, because he at least wasn't singing anymore.
"God bless us, everyone!" Tiny Tymmie said, before several people grunted and began to dig into their chicken potpies. Lambert himself didn't eat anything, only watched as the Daughters and Followers dug hungrily into their Christmas feast, his smile turning into a nasty sneer as they finished their meals.
The reaction was instant, "Uh, I don't feel so good," mumbled Catty, a hand going over her mouth.
"Me neither…" agreed Serena, as she started eying the one room house for a bathroom. Which was a silly thing to do for obvious reasons.
In a mere instant, it was pandemonium as several people ran around frantically, searching for a restroom. Lambert began to laugh evilly at the head of the table.
"I put a significant amount of laxatives in all of the potpies! That'll teach you hooligans to force Christmas on me!" He said evilly, "And don't even think about stealing my pajamas!"
And so, on this wondrous Christmas Day, it was not Lambert who learned a lesson, but Selene. The lesson learned? That some guys are just jerks, and no amount of holiday cheer is ever going to change that. Ever.
The End.