Chapter Twenty-Two:
This was the dumbest thing she had ever done. She went to the store and bought everything on a whim and now she had no idea how to put up the damn tent. This was all Patrick's fault and she hated him even more for her current situation.
Robin didn't camp, but she had been so angry and hurt that she literally drove to the store, bought a camping set and found a campsite. Now she was dirty and sweaty and hungry and no closer to putting the stupid tent up. Besides, it was really cold out.
She thought about giving up and going home, but she refused. She needed to think. She needed to figure things out and that meant she needed space. She looked at her phone and saw there were another three missed calls from Patrick. She deleted the messages without listening and grabbed the tools for the tent, determined to figure this out.
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Patrick was worried. He couldn't find Robin and he had no idea where she went. He was also angry with himself. He couldn't believe what happened with Gwen and he really needed to explain himself. The problem was, he had trouble explaining himself to himself. He didn't know why he had been such a jerk.
That wasn't entirely true.
He saw himself in Gwen, or at least who he used to be. He would never have denied anyone a procedure, but he felt like her attitude wouldn't have bothered him before.
That made him sick.
He looked around Robin's house one more time for a clue to where she went and saw nothing. He fed Ben and grabbed his bag. He would keep looking.
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Who goes camping when it's cold out? Who can't put up a tent and then sits outside and shivers instead of leaving?
Robin opened a beer and drank half of it before wiping her face with her sleeve and hiccupping. She would just sit here and drink and watch the stars.
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Patrick was out of ideas. He went everywhere he could think and found nothing. He pulled into a parking lot and looked in the mirror. His face lit up as he tried his Onstar phone. Maybe she would answer if she didn't know it was him?
It was worth a try.
"Lo?" her voice slurred.
"Robin? Are you okay?" he was immediately concerned. Was she hurt? Did she have a seizure?
"I'm fine. Don't call me again," she said.
"Wait. Don't hang up. Please tell me where you are," he said desperately.
"Cccamp."
"You're at camp? Where is camp?"
Was that code for something?
"I am camping," she said slowly.
"You're camping? It's 40 degrees out. Are you crazy?"
"At least I'm not a terk, a jerk," she slurred.
"Are you drunk?" he smiled.
"Leaf me alone," she said.
"Just tell me where you are," he said softly. "Please."
"I'm camping," she said. "But the tent is broken. They sold me a roken, a boken, a tent that is bad."
"Where are you?" he repeated. He heard a noise. Was she snoring?
"Robin!" he yelled.
"I'm at Sleeping Bear Dunes," she said softly.
He quickly looked it up on his phone and made his way over.
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Patrick made his way through the almost deserted campgrounds and wondered what the hell she was thinking. It was cold out and the area wasn't well lit. He saw the sun was beginning to set and it would probably dip below 30. It also looked a lot like rain was coming.
He finally saw her car and breathed a sigh of relief as he parked. He breathed a sigh until he saw her sitting on the hard ground, staring into space.
"Robin? Are you okay?" he ran up to her and shivered.
"Have you ever tried to count the embers in a fire?"
He smiled and looked at the dry fire pit in front of her.
"Shouldn't there be a fire for you to count embers?"
She stared ahead and blinked.
He saw the empty beer bottle next to her and he shook his head.
"You're drunk and frozen. We should go home," he went to help her up.
"Nope, and I had one beer, hardly dunk, I mean drunk. I'm not leaving. I'm camping."
"No, right now you're sitting on the ground and freezing," he went to pick her up.
"Get your filthy hands off of me," she smacked his hand away from her.
"Filthy? Hardly."
"You should go find the boob woman. You seemed to like her."
"The boob woman?"
"Yeah, Len or whatever. She was all boobs. That's why she was so dumb, you know, all the air in her boobs."
"Gwen," he corrected her and tried not to laugh at how adorable she was. "And I never noticed her boobs."
Robin looked at him as he walked to try and put up the tent she had.
"You're a man. You noticed her boobs."
"Well, you have me all figured out, don't you?" he said as he began to assemble the deluxe tent. It had to cost a pretty penny.
"I figured out you're a jerk."
He looked at her and saw her wipe her eyes and he felt his heart twist at how he hurt her.
"Come and help me for a minute," he said.
"No. It's missing a piece. It can't be fixed."
He smiled as he was almost done with the tent.
"It's not missing anything. I just think it's going to rain, so I would like to get the tarp in place. I need you to hold this down."
She got up and walked over, holding the stake in the ground while he stretched the tarp over the top to the other side. He stood back and wiped his hands before he put their bags inside.
"Perfect."
She got up and went inside, zipping the door behind her.
He went to follow her when she locked the zipper.
"Seriously? This is a tent big enough for four people. Let me in."
"No. Go home."
He jumped when the thunder hit and he figured he would wait in his car. He would have, but the keys were in his bag which was in the tent.
"Robin, let me in. My keys are in there."
"Why don't you call boobs to get you."
He felt the large raindrops and he sighed.
"It's raining."
"So what? You won't melt."
"Robin, please let me in."
"No."
"I'm sorry."
She was quiet and he continued.
"I should have shut Gwen up and I didn't. I'm sorry."
"I figured you agreed with her."
He sighed.
"I don't. I was so wrong."
The rain came down harder and she opened the tent, stepping out into the rain with him.
"Then why didn't you defend me? Why did you let her say the things she did?"
He looked into her brown eyes and saw her sadness and hurt.
"Because I'm a coward. I saw the person I used to be and I hated him. I don't deserve to be with you."
She was drenched and she shrugged.
"You're right."
"Can we go inside the tent? It's freezing out here and we are soaking wet."
"You can leave. Take your bags and go."
"Not without you," he said.
"I'm not leaving. I am camping."
"Then I'm staying, too."
She stared at him and shrugged before she opened the tent and got in. He followed, thankful she didn't block him.
"What are you doing?" she asked as he pulled his shirt off.
"Changing. Thanks to you, I'm soaking wet."
"You can always leave," she said again, the rain and argument having pretty much sobered her up.
"I'm not having this argument with you again."
She tried not to stare at his naked torso.
"Whatever," she said and shivered.
"You need to change out of your wet clothes, too," he said as he pulled his pants off.
"I'm not changing in front of you."
He pulled on his sweatpants and rolled his eyes.
"I held you the other night. We have basically been living together. You can change."
"I allowed you to stay with me, not live with me, and you held me when I thought you were a nice person. The privilege is over."
He sighed and nodded.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
She looked at him and her teeth were chattering.
"Well that makes everything okay," she said.
"You know, it must be nice to be so perfect. You've never said or done anything that you regret?"
"I didn't say that, but I can tell you I have never been prejudice. I don't tolerate people with small minds."
He glared at her.
"I'm not prejudiced."
"But you have no problem hanging around with someone who is."
He was quiet and she looked at him.
"Why didn't you tell her about your diagnosis?"
He shrugged.
"It's none of her business."
"Right."
He smoothed his wet hair down.
"I have never told anyone except you."
"You didn't tell me, you came to see me as a doctor."
"Right, so what do you want me to say? I handled everything terribly. I didn't respond like you think I should have. I'm a horrible spokesperson for living with HIV."
She exhaled and turned away from him.
"I'm tired, just leave me alone."
"Robin, please, I'm sorry."
She sniffed and nodded.
"Okay."
He watched her as she shivered and he grabbed the blanket she brought.
"You need to get out of those wet clothes, Robin. I'll go stand outside if you want, but you are going to get sick."
She turned to look at him and he saw her tears.
"I don't feel great all of a sudden."
"I'm sure it's because you're soaking wet. Will you let me help you?"
She faced him, his face illuminated by the lamp and his dimples deep and inviting. She hated how much she wanted him to help her.
"Okay," she said softly.
He moved to help her get undressed when a large clap of thunder shook the tent and she jumped into his arms.
It was going to be a long night.
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Chapter Twenty-Three:
"This was a really dumb idea," Robin said as she huddled against Patrick in the tent.
He smiled as they drank more beer and ate chips.
"No it wasn't. I think it's romantic," he grinned as she looked at him.
"We're freezing in the middle of a storm and are eating chips and beer because we can't start a fire."
"No, I'm holding a beautiful woman in the wilderness and the rain is romantic and soothing. I also happen to love chips and beer."
"I wouldn't have taken you for a romantic," she said and sat back.
"Why not?"
She shrugged and played with a fuzz on her pants.
"I don't know. I guess you seemed like you didn't really need to do that."
"I don't know how to take that," he said.
"I just mean that you are incredibly handsome and smart and you could have any woman you wanted. I don't really think you had to work at it."
"So romance is only for ugly dumb guys?"
She laughed and blushed.
"No, I didn't mean that, but I realize that's how it sounded. I don't know what I meant. I'm sorry."
"I've been known to romance a time or two."
She put her beer down and held her knees to her chest.
"Tell me the most romantic thing you've ever done."
He was quiet for a minute and then smiled.
"Knocked a girl out in an elevator and then took her to the ER."
She laughed and ran her hand through her hair.
"That was pretty romantic," she said.
They were quiet again and he sighed.
"So can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Was it easy for you to tell people about your diagnosis?"
She didn't miss a beat.
"No, but it had to be done."
"What do you mean? Because you wanted to go into medicine?"
"No, because I was living a lie. Everywhere I went and everything I did was like in two alternate universes. I was never able to be myself in situations where people got to know me. It wasn't the casual conversations or the acquaintances that I cared about, but the people who I considered my friends, my coworkers, they had to know. I couldn't continue living a lie, and really, that's what I was doing. It was exhausting."
"Did they all take it well?"
She chuckled.
"No. Some of my friendships ended over it. Some made assumptions about me that I couldn't get past."
"Like what?"
She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked at her hands.
"Like how I was infected. It mattered to some people, and I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't understand why some people felt it was okay to pass judgment on my life and my choices. I wondered if I held a light to all of their choices in life, would they be perfect? It also bothered me that many of them thought it was okay that I was infected by my boyfriend, and not in another way, like it was nobler or something. It made me sick. So many people who live with HIV are made to feel less than human and it's sickening."
He sighed and crossed his arms.
"I did that today, didn't I? I made you feel less than who you are."
She looked at him and shook her head.
"No you didn't, the boob woman did. You simply allowed her to speak her mind and agreed by keeping silent."
"Her name is Gwen," he smiled.
"No, her name is prejudice dumb ass, but you can call her whatever you want. It makes me sick that people who have power in medicine choose to play God. We aren't here to judge who gets treatment, Patrick. We are simply here to treat."
"True, but it's also our duty to make sure the treatment we offer is going to benefit the patient."
"Medically, not socially," she added.
"True."
"Patrick, what are you most afraid of people doing when they find out?"
He wiped his face and sighed. It was a fair question, but one he wasn't sure he could answer.
"I guess looking at me with pity or disappointment."
"Okay, so if they do, what happens next?"
"The life I know will be different. Every conversation will have an air of sadness and every time someone is nice I'll have to wonder if it's sincere. I don't know that I'm ready for that yet."
She reached over and took his hand in hers, surprising him.
"Okay."
His whole body tingled from her touch.
"Okay?"
She sighed and kept his hand in hers.
"Sometimes I can be a bit judgmental," she began and glared at him when he went to agree, causing him to grin instead. "But, it's really a defense mechanism. Most people figure I'm not worth the trouble, and I'm okay with that. I figured if they stuck around to find out what was underneath, then they were worth my time."
"So am I finding out what's underneath?"
"Do you think you're worth it?" she moved closer to him and brought his hand to her lips, kissing the back of it.
He swallowed and felt his groin twitch in response to her.
"I think the question is, do you?" he asked and quickly leaned down to capture her lips with his, holding her delicate face in his hands and kissing her with a alpha style that left her breathless.
Robin moved to him and straddled his waist as their lips danced and their hands moved overreach other. She pressed her hips against him and felt his hard reaction to her. The feel of him against her hips turned her on in a way she hadn't been in so long.
"Robin," he said and sat back. "Wait."
She wiped his mouth and saw the flush in his cheeks and the honesty in his eyes and she backed away off of him.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that," she said and smoothed her hair down.
"I kissed you," he said and smiled. "I just didn't expect that."
"Expect what?"
He exhaled and looked at her.
"You to respond like that. Me to respond like that. I don't know."
She nodded and looked at the blanket she had.
"It's too much. I know that and you're right. I'm going to try and get some rest," she moved to lie down and he stopped her.
"It's not too much," he said softly. "I just don't want to hurt you."
"How could you hurt me? I'm a big girl, Patrick. If I didn't want to be with you, then I wouldn't."
He smiled at her statement and had no doubt she was right.
"I don't mean that. I just, well, I haven't been with anyone since my diagnosis. What if I hurt you? What if my strain of HIV is difference than yours and somehow, I do more damage to you?" He saw the hurt in her eyes and knew he said the wrong thing. "I didn't mean more damage."
She shrugged and smiled sadly.
"It's okay, I guess I am a bit damaged."
"No you aren't. I truly didn't mean it like that."
She nodded and looked at her hands.
"I know. I do understand your hesitation, and to be honest, my viral load hasn't been very stable, so the chances of me hurting you are much higher than the other way around."
"Why are your numbers unstable?"
She ran her hand through her hair and sighed.
"I've had this disease for a long time, Patrick, before there were cocktails and before we really knew the best way to keep things under control. I'm super lucky the cocktails began to work when I took them, but my system has been tested a lot and sometimes I think maybe too much. I developed a bit of a resistance to the last cocktail and I need to find a new one, but it's been a challenge. I will figure it out."
He was worried.
"Of course you will."
"I think I need to use the bathroom," she got up and pulled on her coat and put her shoes on.
"I'll go with you," he said.
"No, it's okay. It's just down the street. I don't think we should leave the tent unattended."
"Robin, I don't like it. It's still raining and it's pitch black out. What if you get lost?"
"I'll bring my phone and a flashlight. It's how campers work, Patrick."
"A cell phone? You've camped a lot?"
She smiled.
"Counting tonight? Once."
He got up.
"I'm going with you."
"No, really, just give me a few minutes alone," she said sincerely.
He sighed.
"Okay, but if you aren't back in five minutes, I'm coming after you."
"Okay. I'll tinkle fast."
He rolled his eyes and watched her walk out.
So much was running through his mind.
Actually, that wasn't true. There was only one thought. One name. One voice.
Robin.
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