Chapter Thirty-Two:
Patrick made his way to Robin's house and his stomach was in knots. What was he supposed to say? How was he going to get her to listen to him?
He also realized he felt so sick because seeing her again just killed him. He loved her and he had destroyed that. She was beautiful and smart and spunky and all heart and he had taken what she gave and squashed it.
He had to fix it.
He pulled up to her house and waited for a while after she went in from the cab. He needed a strategy. He needed a plan of action.
He needed a miracle.
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Robin stood under the shower and let the water mix with her tears. She couldn't believe Patrick had been there. She was angry that she allowed herself to be so effected by him. She should have known that it wouldn't last. She should have known he was just using her.
She turned the water off and wrapped a towel around her body, taking another for her hair. She had sobered up considerably from the shower, but still felt a little woozy. It was probably not the best idea to drink while she was still getting over so many medications.
She pulled on a pair of tiny shorts and a tank top and rubbed lotion on her arms and legs. She clipped her long wet hair up and decided to make herself something to eat. It was still early and she felt like it was time for a fresh start. Enough crying over handsome men. Time to toughen up.
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Patrick walked to the front door and wiped his palms on his slacks. He knocked and waited, hoping she would answer. He waited and knocked again and finally heard her.
Robin looked out the peephole in her door and felt her anger returning. She had no time for this.
"Go away," she said through the door.
"Robin, please let me in. I don't want to stand out here and yell all night, but I'm not leaving."
"I'll call the police," she said. "You aren't bullying your way in again."
They both knew she meant more than her house.
"I'm trying to explain. Please give me a chance. I'm sorry I hurt you. I need to explain, please?" he tried to show his sincerity through his voice, but the large door was muffling it.
Finally the door opened and his breath caught in his throat.
She was absolutely the most natural beauty he had ever seen. She had no makeup on and her simple shorts and tank top were framing every one of her curves. The part he didn't like was the hurt in her eyes.
"Make it fast," she said and moved for him to walk in.
He nodded and walked past her, the vanilla coconut scent of her lotion intoxicating to him.
"How is Ben?" he asked as he walked to the cage.
"He's fine."
"Good."
"Is that all? Just concerned about my rat?"
"No."
She sighed and crossed her arms, causing her breasts to lift and beckon to him.
"I'm tired, Patrick. I feel a little off and I want to eat and rest. I shouldn't have had anything to drink after being in the hospital and now I need to just chill out. Can you please just go?"
His concern was all over his face.
"Are you okay? How are you feeling?"
She felt her tears prick her eyes and cursed her emotions. She needed to stay strong.
"Why do you care?"
"Shit, Robin, I love you. I'm sorry I left, but I love you. I'm worried about you."
She angrily flicked her tears away and shook her head.
"You can't do this. You can't leave me when I'm most vulnerable and then expect a simple apology to make it okay. I'll be fine and I don't need your pity. You can go back home and continue your life and not worry about me."
"I don't feel pity for you," he said. "I don't want to go home. I don't want to be anywhere without you."
"You told me you didn't want to see me anymore. You told me you wanted to leave. I asked if you were sure and she said yes and walked out. I get it. I heard you loud and clear."
He ran his hand over his hair and wiped his face.
"Haven't you ever said anything you wish you could take back? Done anything you regret? Haven't you ever wanted a second chance?"
She shrugged and faced him.
"Sure, but life doesn't work that way. I get that you're sorry I got hurt. I feel your apology is sincere. None of that changes anything. I am still HIV positive and so are you. I still believe my life has value and can be happy and fulfilled. You obviously don't agree. It was nice meeting you, but now it's done."
"What do you mean I don't agree? You think I feel your life doesn't have value?"
She sighed.
"You didn't just break up with me, Patrick. You said some things that unfortunately are what a lot of people think. You said we couldn't have children. You said you can't see us having a normal life. You saw no future with me. Those aren't words said out of fear. That is what you think."
He knew she was right, but not about all of it.
"I'm scared. I'm scared and I fucked up. I love you."
She heard his voice catch and felt her resolve begin to shake.
"I know you're scared, and I wish I could help you with that, but I can't. I am not nearly stable enough with my own sanity to try and be your safety net. I deserve someone who looks at me as a vibrant and worthwhile woman who should be cherished. I am not damaged. I am HIV positive, but I am also a woman and a doctor and a friend. I have so much more to me than this disease running through my veins and I want a man who embraces that and doesn't run. I told you I loved you because it simply was the truth. I have never loved another man the way I love you and it was something I struggled with. When I was diagnosed, I was in love with my boyfriend, but I was so young and I had so much to learn about life and love. In all that time, in all my struggles, I never felt like I was someone who would find a real and lasting love. With you, I couldn't stop it."
He moved closer to her and put his hands on her shoulders but she moved away.
"I couldn't stop it, either," he said. "What can I do to prove that to you?"
She rubbed her arms and shrugged.
"Nothing. I'm going to lie down."
He watched as she walked into her bedroom and closed the door.
He followed and walked in.
"Patrick, you are way out of line. You need to leave."
"Gwen almost killed you. When I arrived home and saw the police there and heard what was happening, I freaked out. All I could think was how you were in danger and it was because of me. I couldn't breathe and in that moment, I realized just how important you are to me. I couldn't imagine what would happen if you were gone. I couldn't breathe, Robin."
She walked to him and looked up into his eyes.
"But you left me. You made a choice to walk out on me and that spoke volumes."
"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say or how to show you. I figured you leaving was inevitable, so I needed to go first."
"Why was it inevitable?"
He paced and then sighed.
"Because I'm not a guy who women want."
She raised her eyebrows.
"How can you say that?"
"I don't mean that women don't want to be with me. They just want sex and up until a little while ago, I was okay with that. With you, it was never about sex," he stopped and she smirked.
"That's not what I mean. Of course I wanted it to be about that, but it was so much more. Forget my diagnosis, Robin, you showed me compassion and grace and you didn't need to. You asked me about my life and my passion and you didn't judge me. I have never had that. I didn't know how to deal with it."
"But as soon as you got sex you left," she said. "I'm not used to that, Patrick. I don't do that."
"You think I left because I got sex?"
She shrugged and wiped her eyes.
"That and the realization of what being with me long term would mean. You brought up kids. Shit, Patrick, I wasn't look for anything more than time to get to know you more and find out if this is something that could work. But you looked ahead and decided that it couldn't be anything. You looked into the future and saw the disease. You had sex, saw the disease, and walked out."
"I don't know how this got so messed up," he muttered to himself.
"I didn't 'get' sex, as you put it. I made love to you and it was a first for me. I didn't plan on it being a one time thing and to be honest, the thought of you being the only woman I ever sleep with was an amazing thought. I had never spent an entire night with anyone, and when I woke up in your arms, I thought about what it would be like to sleep that way every night. I am completely and totally in love with you and I didn't know how to handle it. I don't look at the future and see your HIV, I see mine. I don't know what it means to be in a relationship and I don't know how to pretend everything is okay."
She nodded and heard many of her own fears in his words.
"You don't pretend everything is okay, but you can't live in fear. This disease takes so much from you, Patrick, that you have to make it a point to stop it from taking a piece of you. We could live long lives. We could get hit by a car. Nobody knows what the future holds and changing the way you live your life because of that is just not something I want to do. I can't give it that much power. I can't let it take over."
She took his hand in hers and held it.
"I understand you're scared and I accept your apology. I just don't know that we're right for each other. I don't know that what you feel is really love or you're just scared. I don't know what to believe."
He reached up and stroked her cheek. He looked into her eyes and saw right into her soul. She studied his gaze and didn't object when he leaned down to softly brush his lips across hers. When she responded, he swept her in his arms and pressed his mouth to hers, his arms enveloping her and her hands moving up through his hair. His tongue split the seam of her lips and she pulled him to her, moaning slightly as she felt his arousal begin to grow.
"I need you to believe this is real," he murmured as he moved to kiss her neck. "I love you and I don't want you to be scared. I will do whatever it takes to prove what I feel," he was silenced by her finger on his lips.
"Don't talk. Show me," she whispered and stepped back, waiting for him to make a move.
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I would love to know if anyone is reading this