Chapter Three: "Learn to Fly"
I'm not going to give up on myself. Old Meredith would go straight to the bar and drown her sorrows, or go straight to Cristina and deal with her problems without really dealing with her problems. Okay, Old Meredith was out in full force last night, but that was different. That was work stuff and boy stuff and it was a hard day.
But this, the stuff with Derek? I'm going to just go home, and have a bath, and catch up on my reading. New Meredith is going to be different.
New Meredith is a lie, I think, as I find myself parking in front of a liquor store. I tell myself it would just be really nice to have some red wine with my bath. I walk past the hard liquor section without picking anything up.
I feel good. I feel awful, but I feel good. I told Derek everything I've been meaning to get off my chest, and he told me the big thing he's been meaning to get off his. We communicated and decided it wasn't going to be enough. I shouldn't be with someone who hurts me all the time and he shouldn't be with someone who won't give him what he wants. It makes sense.
I want to blame him, but I can't. He deserves all the things he wants. Even though he told me he wanted them with me. Even though he broke me and didn't wait for me to heal. His clock is ticking. He's getting itchy. He can't deal with me and my issues. And I'm letting him go.
So here I am, picking up the pieces and being self-sufficient. And I'm not doing it for anyone but me.
-----
I take the long way home. I fiddle with the radio but it doesn't play anything I want to hear. It's weird, but I wish I still had Addison now, as a friend. She was a great friend and she would know what to say.
It is all about me. I need to be cheered up right now because Meredith told me all the things I've done to her and I'm just thinking about how I feel. I'm thinking about how I didn't tell her I love her. I might be an asshole, but I'm an asshole who loves her.
We can probably do a lot better than each other. It's just... It's Meredith. She's Meredith. She brings out the best and worst in me in a way that infuriates me. I'm not rational when it comes to her. And I've never felt badly about it until now.
Guilt is going to become my friend, it seems.
I get lost in my thoughts and I'm pulling up to my trailer before I realize I'm home. I hope Richard isn't around. Or if he is, I hope he knows better than to try to talk to me. Chief. Another part if my relationship with Meredith that I'm not proud of. I was yelling at her for not being there but I never told her the truth. That I resented her. That my relationship with her almost came in the way of me being Chief and I didn't think it was a fair trade-off. I took it out on her and sent her further away from me but I never told her the reason why.
And I blamed her for being a bad communicator.
I told her today that being with someone shouldn't be this hard. Being with Addison was easy. She was a challenging woman, but being with her was easy. Until the night I walked in on her and Mark.
With Meredith, everything is a fight. I told her once that it kept me alive. When did it stop being enough?
I wonder how she'll act towards me tomorrow. I'll let her set the tone. I'm going to be a better person this time.
-----
Today has gone well so far. I supervised rounds and then was assigned to Sloan so I haven't run into Derek.
I don't think we can be friends yet. I need time before I can treat him like a friend.
"So what are you going to do?" Cristina asks, when we're both finally alone for a moment at an empty nurses' station.
"I'm going to treat him like he's my boss. So, professional but not cold." I check off boxes on my patient's chart.
Cristina scoffs. "Yeah, sure Mer."
"I'm serious. No flirting, no anger, I'm just going to be neutral. I'm going to be a better person this time." I snap the chart closed.
I turn to check on my patient and when I round the corner, he's there, typing on his BlackBerry in front of the elevator.
My step doesn't falter as I stop to stand next to him. "Dr. Shepherd."
He pockets his phone and gives me his full attention. "Dr. Grey. I hear you're in on the facial reconstruction on the eight-year old burn victim with Dr. Sloan."
I look up at him. "We usually think plastic surgery is shallow, but every now and then we get a case like this where you know it'll have a huge impact on how a child gets to live out the rest of her life." He nods in agreement. I realize suddenly that we've never really talked about what I might choose for my specialty. "I think I'm leaning towards neuro, though. That high I felt during that first case, with Katie Bryce... I want to feel it all the time."
He nods again, but I think he looks a little sad. "Well, I'll keep that in mind next time I get a particularly interesting case, Dr. Grey."
"I appreciate it, Dr. Shepherd."
The elevator arrives and we press the buttons for our respective floors. Our fingers meet for a second, but I pull my hand back. He spares a glance at me, but then looks forward as the elevator rises. We reach his floor first. "Have a nice day, Dr. Grey."
"You too, Dr. Shepherd."
That didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But I wonder if that feeling I get whenever I see him -- when my heart starts beating a little faster -- I wonder if it will ever really go away.
-----
So it's going to be "Dr. Shepherd" and "Dr. Grey" between us. I can handle that. As long as there's something between us, I can handle it.
And because things always happen this way with me, right after exiting the elevator with Meredith, I see Rose at the nurses' station. I approach her and she looks up.
She smiles, but looks a little embarrassed. "I just wanted to apologize --"
"No, no, you have nothing to apologize for. I should be apologizing." I lower my voice. "I feel like I may have led you on, but I don't think I'd make a good date right now."
She looks me straight in the eyes. "Dr. Shepherd. I've heard all about your love life. You know I saw you leave with Dr. Grey a few weeks ago at Joe's. I have no false hopes of anything that might have come from that kiss. It was just a nice moment." Now I'm embarrassed, though her honesty is incredibly refreshing. She is a woman who knows what she wants, and what she wants is not a guy with serious baggage. But that's all right, because I know what I want too.
"Okay. Well, I'm glad to hear my private life can still keep people entertained," I joke.
"It wouldn't be so entertaining if you didn't sneak in and out of on-call rooms with your ex-girlfriend."
"Probably doesn't help, does it?" I don't tell her that there won't be any of that going on for the foreseeable future. "See you around, Rose."
I walk away, feeling better already.
"Oh, and Dr. Shepherd? I'd really appreciate it if you didn't insult my intelligence next time we're in an OR together."
Ah, yes.