Chapter Thirty-Three:
"Don't talk. Show me," she whispered and stepped back, waiting for him to make a move.
Patrick moved to her and swept her into his arms with his kiss. His hands moved to hold her tightly, possessively as his mouth claimed hers for his. Her body was pressed against his and her hands were against his chest as he moved to take out the clip that held her long locks on top of her head. The semi wet hair fell over her shoulders and his large hands held her face.
"Is this what you want from me?" Robin asked breathlessly as she pushed him back. "Will you take what you need and then leave me again? Is this what we are?"
He knew he needed to do better. He knew what she was saying was exactly what he did. He also knew it wasn't what he intended to do ever again.
"I think the better question is what do you want me to say? Do I want to make love to you? More than anything. Am I going to leave again? No. Do I think you irritate and infuriate me? Yes. Will we fight again? Most definitely. Will we create something special together?"
She moved closer to him.
"You didn't answer that one."
He shrugged.
"Because I don't know what to say. I can't speak for you. You are asking me all about my intentions and my commitment and yet there's nothing from you to tell me you agree. Maybe I'm the one who should be asking you what you want from me. What you feel about me."
She suddenly got scared. Her feelings overwhelmed her and she didn't know if she could handle losing him.
"I need some air," she said and flew out of the room and out of the house. Patrick stood there, stunned and then followed. He saw her sitting outside on the front porch and her head was in her hands.
"Hey, it's okay," he sat down next to her. "I'll go. I didn't mean to push you so much and I suppose asking you what you felt should have been the first thing I said and not the last. If you aren't into me, I understand."
She wiped her eyes and turned to look at him.
"I love you."
He reached up and moved her hair away from her face.
"I love you, too."
She sighed and shook her head.
"I think you have the power to really hurt me, Patrick. I don't think I can take that. I think it would be best if we just stayed away from each other."
He looked at his hands.
"You're an idiot."
"Excuse me?"
"You're scared, and I get that. You're hurt because I left, and I understand, but I've apologized and apologized and I can't do it anymore. I can't make you trust me unless you allow me in and you are closing the door out of fear and stubbornness. You don't want me to hurt you, so you choose to stay in your house and never have love. It must be nice to be so fucking perfect."
She was stunned and watched as he got up and walked back into the house.
"Who the fuck do you think you are?" She yelled at him. "You don't get to come into my house and pass judgment on me and my choices. You act all high and mighty and you are the reason I am having so much trouble with this."
He threw his hands up and faced her.
"Get over yourself. I am not the reason. I fucked up and I need to be able to move beyond that. I got scared that you almost died because of me and excuse me for this, but I'm scared that we are both HIV positive. It doesn't make me a terrible person to acknowledge the facts. It doesn't make me a terrible person to think of the future and what might be. It doesn't make me a terrible person to not know the best way to handle this diagnosis without doing a few things wrong."
He walked closer to her and saw her face was full of understanding.
"I never thought I would want to get married or have a family. I was content and happy in my life because I was stupid, Robin. I was ignoring what was in my gut because the life I carved out for myself didn't allow for feelings like that. Getting cut in the OR did so much more than expose me to HIV. It was like a slap in the face to my arrogance and my sense that nothing bad could ever touch me."
He walked to the couch and sat down.
"I didn't tell anyone, not because I was ashamed of the diagnosis, but because I was ashamed of myself. I knew, aside from Leo, that the people I called my 'friends' would leave. The associates I was aligned with wouldn't bat an eye to my loss. I had been living a life that was based on lies and the fact I was okay with that made me sick. I don't know how to reconcile the man I was and the man I am now. I don't know how to look at you and feel worthy of this love when I have lived a coward."
"You aren't a different man than before, Patrick," she sat down next to him and smiled when he rolled his eyes.
"Let me finish."
He smiled.
"What I mean, is that you operated an the patient knowing he was HIV positive. The man you are describing isn't a monster. He is the man I met, the one who is full of confidence and arrogance and determination. You surrounded yourself with the people who were there because it was the setting and you enjoyed it. There is nothing wrong with arrogance. There is nothing wrong with being single and enjoying freedom. When you were cut in the OR, it was because you tried to help someone who needed your expertise and their medical standing wasn't an obstacle to you. I don't think the people you surrounded yourself with would have all done that. I don't think they were all so bad, but I also don't think you have any reason to be ashamed of the way you lived your life. You were happy and that's what it's all about."
She sighed and wiped her face.
"You have always been the man who is sitting here next to me and he is also fierce and competitive. I've seen it, hell, I've felt it. You are now the result of those experiences, Patrick, and they all contribute to the man I love."
"But not the man you want to be with," he said sadly.
"Maybe I was wrong."
He looked at her and she shrugged.
"Maybe I am an idiot," she said.
His face was sad.
"I shouldn't have said that. You aren't an idiot."
"You were right, Patrick. I like to think the way I live my life is above reproach and it isn't. I want to be with you. I want to take the chance. I just guard my heart very closely and this is a scary proposition because of how much you mean to me. I also know that living without you isn't what I want."
"It's not what I want either. I want you. I want to fall asleep with you every night and wake up holding you each morning. I don't want to go another day without you in it."
She stood up and reached for him.
"I think I agree."
He stood up and smiled at her.
"I don't think I've ever had such a long and deep conversation."
She ran her finger over his hips.
"Then I think we need to stop talking," she said softly.
He picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom, laying her on the soft comforter and pulling his shirt off before he moved over her, searing his mouth to hers. She held his face to her as he pressed his body to hers, her tank top doing little to reveal her erect nipples.
He sat up and she moved to pull her top off, his mouth immediately on her, sucking and nipping at the flesh. She arched her back as he used his tongue over her nipple and it pebbled in excitement at his expert movements. His hands pressed her cleavage together and he moved from one nipple to the other with equal attention.
"You are so beautiful," he murmured as he moved down her flat stomach to her yoga pants. She lifted her hips as he pulled them off and his mouth immediately went to her thighs as she spread her knees open.
Her scent was intoxicating to him as he moved up and down the inside of her thighs with his tongue. He ran his hand over her wet panties and she moved her hips with him. He moved the fabric to the side and slipped a finger into her as she moaned in appreciation.
His tongue moved around her navel as his finger worked her and she mewed under him as he brought her to the edge before pulling the panties off and looking at her gorgeous body.
"You are exquisite," he said softly, his eyes full of love and adoration.
She sat up and pressed him gently onto his back as she moved her hands over his chest, leaning in to flick his nipples with her tongue. She ran her hands all across his chest and moved to the trail of hair that led to his pants.
She could see the bulge already formed and she kissed his waist as she ran her hand over his covered erection.
"Shit," he panted as she grinned.
She unzipped his slacks and pulled them off along with his socks and she moved up his thighs as he had done for her.
He lifted his hips when she pulled his briefs off and he exhaled as his erection was finally free. Robin moved to take him in her hand and she smoothed the precum over his swollen tip.
He was impressive, and she didn't think she really took the time to appreciate his form before. She reached and grabbed a condom from her dresser and gently covered him before she leaned down and took him in her mouth.
Patrick grabbed the blanket under him as she took him deep into her mouth and massaged his testicles with her other hand. She moved up and down and he felt himself getting close.
"Stop," he said breathlessly as he worried this was about to be over. She smiled as she released him and he pulled her to him, turning them over and settling between her legs.
He held her to him as he slid into her, the tightness incredible. He pushed her knees apart as he began to thrust and she reached behind her and grabbed the headboard.
Patrick leaned down and took her nipple again in his mouth as he thrust over and over and used his hand to rub her center. She moved to hold him to her and she wrapped her legs around him, arching her hips to meet him.
"Oh, God," she panted as her orgasm ripped through her. She felt him slow him movements as the waves of pleasure washed over her and he held her like a trembling bird as he continued to move slowly and agonizingly inside of her."
"Turn onto your back," she said softly and he moved out of her and did. She gently straddled him and positioned him so she sank back down on him. He held her hips as she moved and he closed his eyes as his body became one with hers.
Robin rotated her hips as she felt him deep within her and her second climax was coming as he ran his fingers over her breasts. He picked his knees up as his orgasm hit and he came hard into the condom as she gently rocked over him.
"Oh, shit," he said after she moved off of him and he removed his protection. She smiled as she lay there and he leaned on his arm, looking down at her while his hand roamed over her torso.
"That was incredible," she said, exhausted and fulfilled.
"I don't think I've ever seen stars," he said and leaned in to kiss her again.
"I'm sorry I made you work so hard to be with me," she said as her eyes filled with tears. "But I'm so glad you did."
He stroked her cheek and felt his own emotions right at the surface.
"I will work my whole life to appreciate you."
"And I promise to do the same for you," she said and pulled him onto her again.
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The End!
Thank you so much for reading.