Chapter Five: "Feelin' Stronger Everyday"

"So?"

I turn around to see Cristina, jogging to catch up to me in the parking lot. "I should be asking you that."

She rolls her eyes. "Whatever, I went back to his hotel room, had an orgasm and left. What happened with you and Shepherd?"

"Nothing. Seriously, nothing. He walked me to my door and then he went home."

"What? No sex on the stairs, in the shower, on the kitchen table?" People are looking at us, catching bits of her words as we breeze past them.

Sometimes, I think I tell Cristina too much. "No, nothing. You should have seen Izzie this morning, she pulled the 'proud momma' thing again."

"Where is she, anyway?"

"She came home alone last night and went to work with George this morning. I don't know what's going on there."

Cristina shrugs. "Who knows. Hurry up, we're going to be late."

--

Mark and I have developed an easy friendship. We're not as close as we were before, but with Addison in L.A., it almost seems like water under the bridge. "Bros before hos," Mark would distastefully say.

"I think I'm getting through to her, man. I winked at her and she didn't roll her eyes."

We might be friends now, but that doesn't stop me from hoping Dr. Hahn punches him. "Mark, what would you do if she jumped into bed with you?"

He doesn't answer.

"I mean, it's been like half a year. No woman you've pursued has ever kept her legs closed to you for that long. Not even the married ones."

He cradles his head in his hands. "How much longer till that gets old?"

I smirk. "I'll use whenever and wherever I want."

He sighs. "It's not the pursuit. You know what type of women I go after, and she's not it. She's not hot. Not conventionally anyway. I think I might be growing up." This concept clearly rocks Mark to his core.

"You know, I bet she's talked to a lawyer about suing the hospital for sexual harrassment. Richard will kick you out on your ass, and you'll be blacklisted by every hospital in the United States."

"I'd open another private practice and women would come by the busloads for a chance to get groped by a famous guy like me."

"You are such an ass."

We share a laugh before returning to our paperwork. It's quiet in the conference room except for the sounds of our pens on paper.

"So how did it go with Meredith last night?"

I was wondering when that would come up. "We talked. I drove her home, and I didn't stay. Just a favour for a friend... she didn't look that interested in the people at her table."

"Right."

I shrug, because I don't want to talk about our relationship, or lack thereof, to Mark. And it's nothing against him, I don't want to talk about it to anyone. Everyone had a hand in our ... whatever we were, last time. I'm going for something different.

"She's going to be great, you know," he says. "She's got remarkable instinct. She'll be distinguished, and not in the way her mother was, but in her own way."

"Yeah." She's pretty incredible.

"You know she'd never gone out trick-or-treating for Hallowe'en?" I raise my eyebrows. I didn't know that. "That pro bono surgery I did with the kid's ears a while back? That was her first time. Kinda depressing, isn't it?" It really is. "As I said, the apple fell pretty far from the tree."

What? "Said to whom?"

"To Meredith," he replies.

It was probably the nicest compliment she's ever been given and it pains me that I wasn't the person to say it. My skin suddenly feels itchy and I want to end this conversation quickly. "Hey, back off. You can't have this one," I announce, with mock severity.

He palms his forehead. "I am seriously counting down the days till that gets old."

We return to our forms until Mark speaks again. "Remind me to ask her what gym she goes to."

I throw my pen at him.

-----

The first time I see Meredith today, we're going in opposite directions in the stairwell.

She smiles and twists her hair behind her ears. "Hey."

"Hey." I guess we're dropping the proper name thing.

She's on the step above me so we're eye level. She's looking at me, but she's not really looking at me, and then she brushes a hand through my hair. "Fuzz," she says, by way of explanation.

"Ah." I put on my best smile -- the one I use to get whatever I want, except I don't know what I want her to do.

I move to stand closer to her. She places her hand on my chest and keeps it there for a moment before backing away. "I have to go do a thing."

"A thing? I'd like to do many things." I'm so cheesy.

As she turns away, I slip a pack of M&Ms into her coat pocket. My "standing back" plan will survive a little deviation.

She continues her way down the stairs. "I'm sure you do," she teases, before she steps through the door to post-op.

-----

"I'm sure you do." Why did I say that? He was the one who left me at the door last night.

Crap, am I flirting with him? I'm not really good at flirting. I've never been the dating game girl. I've been the, let's get drunk, now we're naked, oh hey, get out of my apartment/car/house girl.

I track down Cristina in the resident break room. "Cristina, help me!"

She looks up from where she's comfortably seated with some charts. "What?"

"I'm think I'm flirting with Derek."

"Whoa, whoa, back up." A beat. "What?"

I take a deep breath and try to my best to summarize my dire situation. "Apparently, we're flirting now. I'm not good at this, Cristina, I just get drunk and take my clothes off."

"And?"

"Things are different this time. I'm not the girl in the bar and he's not the guy. We are two monumentally fucked-up people who work in the same hospital."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Right. Remind me again why this is a good idea."

"I don't know. I just... We just still have that spark. I know he's an asshole and I know I'm not ready to give him what he wants but we still have that spark."

"I knew you were going to renege on the pact!" I hate her sometimes.

"I am not reneging on the pact. I'm consciously choosing to maybe try again with him. I'll take it slowly. Test the waters."

"Fine, do whatever you want." I think she's brushing me off. "Hey, do you have your pharmacopoeia with you? My coat's in my locker."

I check my pockets and pull out the book, and a pack of M&Ms. How did those get there?

"Oo, pass me those, too," she says, making a grab for both items.

"But I don't know how they got there. I didn't put them there." My paranoia kicks in. "What if they've been poisoned?"

She looks at me like I'm in kindergarten. "We're in a hospital. If they're poisonous, we can get our stomachs pumped like 10 steps down the hall."

I guess she has a point. "Fine, give me some!"

-----

I'm running late for work and I rush in as Bailey is handing out assignments. "Grey, you're late. If it was up to me, you'd be down in the pit, but today must be your lucky day because Dr. Shepherd requested you."

Right, lucky. "Yes, Dr. Bailey," I mutter, as I quickly leave the room and head to the locker room to get changed. I open my locker and a bunch of mini chocolate bars fall out.

I look around and there's nobody else in here. What the hell is going on? I toss them back into my locker, along with my regular clothes, and make my way to Derek's office. I haven't seen him since I ran into him in the stairwell last shift.

I knock on his slightly open door, which pushes it open even more and I watch him sift through his organized chaos.

"Oh, hey. Sorry, just give me a second here," he says after glancing up from his sifting.

He spins in his chair, knocking a pile over on his desk. A pile of candy. Derek doesn't eat candy.

"What is this?" I ask, pointing to the pile.

He turns around and follows my finger, looking sheepish when he realizes what I'm pointing to. "Oh. Just making up for lost time."

"What?"

He stands up and steps around his desk. "Nevermind. On with the case. He's a 42-year old-"

Oh, he's not getting out of this one that easily. "No, seriously, why are you leaving candy for me to find?"

He leans against his desk and sighs. "Because I thought you might like it?"

Well, that was easy enough. "I do. Pass me those gummy bears."

"I'll hide them for you later." He smirks. "But for now, we have a patient to get to."

My eyes? Totally rolling. But I follow his lead. After all, we've got jobs to do and lives to save.

-----

I'm about to scrub out of surgery, a successful DBS, when I notice Derek isn't following me to the scrub room. He's stopped to talk to a pretty brunette nurse who's assisting with the closing. They seem to be friends. They share a laugh and he shakes her hand before returning to my side. He's still smiling under his mask.

I take mine off, as well as my cap, and walk over to the hand washing station.

"That was her, wasn't it?" I ask, keeping my tone light.

He rips off his mask and cap and tosses them into the bin. "Yeah, it was. I was just wishing her luck. She's moving back to California. Says she misses the sun too much," he replies, matching my tone.

"Oh?" And now I can't help but think it. "Is what why you're doing this thing with me?"

He looks like he's about to fall over. "God, Meredith. No. I never dated her. I told her I wasn't interested. I'm waiting for you."

My eyebrows shoot up and my jaw falls down. I relax my face and close my eyes for a few seconds, letting myself process what he just said.

It was too little, too late when I told him that I didn't want him to see other women, but he and I are different people. And I think I want to give him a chance. I wasn't lying when I told him that it always comes back to him. I open my eyes and find his. "Okay."

"Okay?" I think he's searching my face for any sign of anxiety or whatever.

"Yeah," I affirm, and give him the biggest smile I can manage.

He lets out a deep breath and we wash our hands in silence.

-----

"Oh? Is that why you're doing this thing with me?"

She says it, and I immediately feel sick to my stomach. I can't believe she would think that I'd be so inconsiderate, but then again, my past speaks for itself, doesn't it?

"God, Meredith. No. I never dated her. I told her I wasn't interested. I'm waiting for you."

Shit, I didn't mean to tell her yet. I didn't want to pressure her at all. I'm usually so good at controlling myself but as usual, things don't always go the way I want them to when I'm around Meredith.

I don't know how she's going to react. I just watch her, expecting fight or flight.

She gives me neither. She opens her eyes and faces me. Her eyes are sparkling.

"Okay." She's okay with it. She gives me a breathtaking smile.

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Okay.

-----

It's freezing in here. How do they expect anyone to get any rest in these rooms when it's always so cold?

Most people went home hours ago. The hospital is quiet, except when I'm being paged for something, and then it's hectic and noisy, but between the pages, it's quiet.

I'm staring at the ceiling when my waistband vibrates. One new text message. Who the hell is texting me at 4am?

I flip open my phone. It's from Derek. "Look under the bed," it says. I stick my head over the edge and find the bag of gummy bears from his desk earlier. He's lucky I'm a creature of habit.

I open the bag and grab a handful, needing the sugar rush even though I know I'll just crash in an hour or two. If anyone saw me right now, I'd never hear the end of it.

I grab my cellphone and text back, "Thanks, I needed that. Why are you up?"

A few seconds later, my phone vibrates again. "To text you."

I thought this kind of thing only happened in horrible movies starring Hugh Grant that I sometimes watch with Izzie (to keep her company).

I text him back again. "Liar, you're going fishing."

He writes back, "That too. Get some rest. See you in a few hours."

I somehow manage to fall asleep for an hour, despite all that sugar, before my pager goes off again.

What's that saying? Crime never sleeps? Well, neither does death.