a/n: Twilight belongs to Ms. Meyer.

Also, beware. Lemons ahead!

Chapter Six

First Time

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"What?" Jacob asked, now sounding more confused than ever.

"Please don't make me say it again," I pleaded.

He was quiet.

"Valentine's Day is Monday. And, well, don't boyfriends and girlfriends…do things on that day?" I was rambling now, not off to a good start.

The silence broke with the sound of Jacob's laughter booming through the earpiece.

"Don't laugh at me. I'm trying to be a girlfriend, here."

The laughter died down enough for him to speak.

"It's just…" He let a few chuckles escape. "I never had you pegged for being into this whole Valentine's Day stuff."

You're right about that, I thought to myself, but this is like Mission: Impossible. Expect the unexpected.

"You're right, Jake, I'm not into it. But I thought it wouldn't be so bad if we did it our way. You know, without all the chocolates and flowers." It sounded more like I was trying to convince myself.

"Sure, Bells. What did you have in mind?" Jacob asked. I pictured his smug grin that was without a doubt spread across his face.

I sighed.

"I'll just make dinner as usual, if you don't mind Charlie being here for our big, romantic meal?" I answered, "and we can just hang out—maybe rent a movie or something."

"Your Dad is going to be there?" Jacob snickered.

"Yes," I gritted my teeth, "like I said. We can do this our way. Meaning no cutesy-romantic stuff. Just dinner, a movie, and us."

Oh yeah, and Jessica's underwear. I rolled my eyes at myself.

"Alright, whatever you say." Jacob finally agreed. "Does this mean I have to get you something?"

"No! Jake, no gifts. Neither of us have a job so buying something would be stupid."

"Sure, Bells."

"So, I'll see you Monday then?" I asked.

Jacob paused.

"What about tonight? Tomorrow?" he asked hopefully.

I shook my head as I answered him.

"I'm just going to lay low for the rest of the weekend. Finish up my homework, spend some time with Charlie, and rest my aching bones," I added lightly.

"I miss you," he pleaded.

"Then you should be even more excited about Monday," I countered.

We said our goodbyes, after Jacob tried again to convince me to see him, and I hung up the phone.

.

.

To keep my mind busy, I went into the kitchen and started up lunch. I grabbed some of Harry Clearwater's fish fry and a few filets from the freezer and went to work.

When it was done, I called for Charlie to join me at the table.

"Seeing Jacob later?" Charlie asked as he sat in front of his plate of food.

I shook my head.

"I'll see him on Monday…for Valentine's Day," I blushed.

Charlie laughed quietly into his food.

"Big plans for the love-birds?" He seemed to be highly amused by this.

"I'll make dinner for the three of us. And then maybe Jacob and I will watch a DVD." I stabbed a piece of fish with my fork, not looking Charlie in the eye.

"The three of us? Bella, you can't have your Dad around for your Valentine's Day dinner!" He looked abashed by the idea of my overly casual holiday plans.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"So you're encouraging romantic behavior?"

Charlie's expression of shock changed from mocking to authentic.

"What? No! I mean, I'm just saying…I can fend for myself for one night."

I shrugged.

"Alright. Maybe I'll make dinner over at Jacob's then."

"Billy and I can head down to the lodge for a burger and a drink while you kids eat. I can drop him back off on my way home," he nodded to himself.

I smiled at him. Charlie didn't know it, but he was being more helpful than he would ever intend to be if he knew what I was planning. I hadn't imagined the opportunity to be alone with Jacob when the Plan was put into action. But now, I was given a free window of time where it would be just Jacob and I alone at his house.

The moment it occurred to me that Jacob and I would be alone—doing what I planned for us to do- my breath hitched and the chunk of fish fry I had been chewing caught in my throat.

I grabbed at my neck, but there was no air.

"Bella?" Charlie stared at me from across the table.

My mouth gaped open at him. No sound or breath came out of it.

Charlie was behind me in a second and whacked his hand down hard against the middle of my back.

The fish fry flew from my mouth. I leaned over the table and gasped for air.

"Jesus Bella!" Charlie exhaled, "Are you okay now?"

I nodded, holding my throat.

"Just a slight choking incident, Dad," I coughed.

Charlie poured me a glass of water and handed it to me.

"Do you think you could go a few hours without almost dying on me?" I knew he meant this as a joke, but his voice was serious.

"I'll try," I said apologetically and then gulped down the water. It slid down my throat easily.

Charlie cleared his plate, and before turning to leave the kitchen, he looked at me.

"Bells, chew your food before you swallow next time," he lectured. Then he walked back to the living room to finish his game.

I cleaned up after the meal, washing dishes, and considered the lodged fish fry. The thought of Jacob and I alone together had caused me to choke on my lunch. Not a good sign.

It doesn't matter, I reminded myself. The Plan will work.

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I spent the rest of Saturday doing laundry (tossing Jessica's underwear inconspicuously into the washing machine) and cleaning the bathroom. Not very exciting. Jacob had called twice more to see if I had changed my mind. I let him down easy, reminding him about Monday.

It wasn't that I didn't want to see Jacob. But I knew that if I saw him now, knowing about my plan for Monday, I would chicken out. I couldn't afford to do that. When I saw Jacob, it had to be when there was no turning back. Him and me…alone.

My throat clenched.

I dreamed that night again. In the dream, I was wearing a long, flowing, white dress. It fluttered at my feet in the crisp breeze. I was standing at a cliff, overlooking the ocean. Jacob stood beside me; his chest bare and broad. Then his body shuddered and he collapsed onto his knees, howling to the sky. I wasn't bothered by this or worried for him. I simply turned away and watched the waves curl and crash below me.

Something cold and hard wound itself around me. I looked up, away from the waves, and saw that Jacob was gone and that a pale, white arm was twisted around my waist. Slowly, I turned my face to see who was holding me. It was Edward… and he was smiling.

I woke from the dream drenched in sweat and screaming. This time my face was buried in my pillow, muffling the sound. I pushed my face deeper into the soft down and sobbed.

Monday could not come fast enough.

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The morning of Valentine's Day I woke up to a grey sky. Clouds were gathering tightly against each other, darkening with the promise of rain. It was inevitable. Rain in Forks was like sand in the desert.

After I showered, I pulled out the freshly laundered pair of Jessica's lacy, pink underwear and slipped into them. Trying not to focus on the fact that I was actually wearing someone else's underwear, I put on my khaki skirt and covered everything pink.

Considering that it was Valentine's Day, I decided to wear my dark red blouse. Something I had deemed a little too dressy for school, but figured I could get away with it today. I unfastened the top three buttons, looked down at my chest, and then re-buttoned them embarrassedly.

Don't push it, I told myself.

I slipped into flats and clipped my hair back away from my face. It wasn't the best I could do, but I knew Jacob would appreciate the added effort to look nice for him.

Charlie had already left for work so I didn't have to bother with breakfast. I was walking into the kitchen, contemplating the choice between Strawberry and Cinnamon Pop-Tarts, when I noticed the flowers.

A small bouquet of white carnations was standing in a short, narrow vase on the counter. A florist card was stapled to the red ribbon around the vase, in scratched handwriting that resembled my own was written: From Dad.

My heart leapt into my throat. Charlie wasn't much for expressing his feelings. This display of fatherly affection sent butterflies through me. I touched the white petals lightly with my fingertips. They were soft.

I plucked one from the vase and took it with me. The idea of breakfast was forgotten.

Once in my truck, I placed the white carnation on my dashboard, nestling the stem into one of the heat vents so it wouldn't move during the drive. I stared at it, as much as driving could allow, on my way to school. The bright white of the petals looked out of place against the gritty dashboard.

Inside the school buildings, it was like cupid had exploded all over the walls. Some kind of committee had decorated the hallways with red and pink streamers and cutouts of hearts, roses and giant letters spelling out the word LOVE.

I kept my head down, trying to avoid the spew of color and commercialized holiday.

By lunchtime, rain was already beating against the windows of the cafeteria. Girls who had worn their hair in intricate up do's came running from outside with heartbroken expressions on their faces and hair dripping down their backs, completely undone.

Thunder broke loudly, quaking through campus. This wasn't just any rainy day in Forks. This was the introduction of a storm.

I paid for my lunch, a heart-shaped meatloaf, and sat down with the group at our table. Jessica was in her "perfect" outfit of black skirt and red halter-top, even though she must be freezing in something that revealed so much skin. I guessed that Mike had finally asked her to be his Valentine by the fact that she was in her outfit of choice.

"Hey guys," I said quietly, setting my tray down in front of me.

"Hi Bella," Angela smiled. Her and Ben were holding hands on the table. Her wrist glittered under the cafeteria's fluorescent lights.

"Beautiful bracelet, Ang," I complemented, pointing at her wrist.

"Thanks," she smiled towards Ben. "Ben gave it to me this morning."

Ben leaned over and kissed Angela gently on the cheek.

I looked down and stared at my meatloaf. Open display of affection seemed to be emanating from every person in school today.

Just then Lauren sauntered over to the table, her high heels clicking against the linoleum. She was dressed in pink from head to toe and carried in her arms a large bouquet of long stem roses. There were so many flowers that some spilled over her arms as she walked.

"Oh hi, everyone," she grinned proudly, setting down the roses at the end of the table, "Man, they're heavy!" She sighed theatrically and sat down next to Jessica.

"How many roses did you get?" Jessica asked. Her eyes were open wide, shocked by the size of Lauren's arrangement.

I remembered the school's "Rose Exchange" campaign. It was advertised for weeks. For one dollar you could send someone a rose on Valentine's Day. It appeared that quite a few people had chosen to send roses to Lauren… or maybe just one person—who by now probably had an empty wallet.

"Thirty-five," Lauren smiled.

"Thirty-five?" Jessica asked. She was stunned by this. She looked over at Lauren's pile of roses on the table and then to her own purse, where three roses were poking out of the bag. Her eyes tightened as she glared at Mike.

Another crack of thunder burst through the air. Ben covered his ears at the sound.

"Wow, Lauren!" Angela cheered, "That's a lot! Who are they all from?"

I glanced at Angela, who sounded sincere in her curiosity, very different than how Jessica would have asked. Angela had a single rose tucked behind her right ear. Her dark hair flowed around it.

"Tyler," Lauren grinned, making eye contact with everyone at the table.

Jessica pounced on this.

"Tyler? Really? I had no idea you two were back together!" She was bouncing in her seat with excitement.

Tyler then appeared at Lauren's side with two trays of food. One for him and one for her. She grabbed a diet coke from her tray and sipped it smartly.

"Geez, Ty, way to make the rest of us look good," Austen muttered sarcastically.

"Can't help it!" Tyler cried, throwing his arms up in the air and swooped them down around Lauren's shoulders. "Gotta show love to my girl, you know." He winked at us and kissed Lauren on her red lips.

I sunk a little lower into my chair. Were there always so many couples at our table? Did they always act so…fanatical over each other?

I rolled my eyes, grateful for the first time that I had been oblivious to their behavior for as long as I had.

Lauren must have seen me do that. She watched me with clear, unavoidable disdain.

"Date tonight?" she asked.

Lauren never made a point to talk to me directly, so I was taken aback by her question.

"Um, something like that," I said, twirling my fork around my food. My face was probably the color of my shirt.

Lauren snickered.

"You look like you work at Target," she laughed.

I looked down at my outfit. Now that I could see the ensemble together as a whole, I did look like I belonged at Target. With the deep maroon of my blouse and the khaki skirt and sensible flats, all I needed was a name tag.

I groaned.

This is what I get for avoiding mirrors, I scolded myself.

Jessica laughed along with Lauren.

"Bella, you do! Why are you wearing that?" Jessica covered her mouth with her hand and laughed into it.

"I don't know," I stammered, "a shirt, a skirt, I thought I was being dressy."

I stared down at my lap, hoping that everyone would stop staring at me, but knowing they wouldn't.

"I think Bella looks hot."

We all turned to see who had spoken. It was Mike, sitting at the end of the table with meatloaf stuffed into his mouth. Jessica's face flushed with fury.

"What?" Jessica snapped. She whipped her head around to size up my outfit again.

"She looks good," Mike grinned, clearly enjoying aggravating Jessica.

"She looks good?" Jessica repeated incredulously, "in that?"

"Yup," Mike nodded, "really good actually." He shrugged and then forked in another helping of meatloaf.

"Thanks Mike," I muttered and focused my attention back on my food, wishing I had decided to go with the usual jeans and a sweater.

After school was over, I contemplated going back to Charlie's to change my clothes. But when I walked into the parking lot, Jacob was already waiting for me in the Rabbit. My mood brightened at the sight of his car.

I ran to my truck. The rain had picked up, dumping buckets of water onto the windshield. The storm thundered around me. I pictured Lauren trying to walk to her car in those heels, her shoes and feet getting drenched in rainwater and mud. Then I rolled my eyes. Tyler would probably be carrying her.

My body shivered inside the cab of the truck. Rain had soaked down the back of my jacket and left my skin cold and wet. I refused to turn on the heat. The white flower was still weaved into the vent. The heat would dry it out and kill it.

Jacob and I pulled up alongside each other next to his small house in La Push. The storm was just as intense on the reservation. Stupidly, I had thought we would leave it behind us in Forks. But the sky here was just as dark, pouring rain angrily from the heavy grey clouds.

Jacob ran out of the Rabbit and over to my truck, popping open his black umbrella as he ran. I opened the front door and he was there holding out the umbrella for me.

"What am I the President? You don't have to do this," I scowled at him.

He laughed.

"I saw you trying to run for cover in the parking lot. Mud was flying everywhere. Believe me, Bells, this is better." He took my hand and escorted me to the house.

It was warmer inside and I slipped out of my dripping jacket and hung it on a hook on the wall.

Now that Phase Two was upon me, my nerves were shot. I tried not to pay attention to the fact that the house was empty except for us. Charlie must have already picked up Billy for dinner.

"Jake, you look…great," I breathed. He did. He was wearing jeans and a white polo shirt with the sleeves rolled up his forearms. A loosely knotted tie hung from the collar of his shirt. The tie might have been too much, but he wore it casually and easy. His long hair was resting on his shoulders, wet from the rain.

It was impossible, but Jacob actually looked bigger. He was more brawny and thicker as if he had put on several pounds of pure muscle. And incredibly taller. His head nearly reached the ceiling fan that whirled lazily above us.

"Thanks," he grinned, "You look amazing Bells. Really." He let out a long, low whistle.

"Yes, amazingly like a Target employee," I snorted.

Jacob cocked his head to the side.

"Nope. Just amazing." He walked over to me in two long strides and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he said in a way that I couldn't tell if he was mocking me or not. Then he kissed me lightly before patting his stomach with his hand. "Now what about dinner?"

"Jake do you ever stop eating?" I laughed and poked him in the side of his ribs. He was like a bottomless pit.

"A growing boy needs sustenance," he smiled.

I made a show of looking over his massive body.

"I don't think you qualify as a boy anymore. You're more like a giant now."

He threw his head back and laughed loudly. It relaxed me. It was nice to just be like this with Jacob, joking around. For the first time in days, the Plan sat quietly in the back of my mind, letting me enjoy our friendship.

I went to work on a quick lasagna for us to eat. It was my first time cooking in Billy's kitchen and I felt a little out of place. Jacob helped when he could, draining the pasta or setting the table, but mostly he just watched me from his perch on a kitchen barstool.

When it was ready, I grabbed some oven mitts and pulled out the dish from the oven to present to Jacob.

He was standing by the dining table, lighting two miss-matched candles.

"Dinner by candlelight?" I teased as I set down the lasagna on the table.

Jacob rolled his eyes and blew out the lit match. He gestured to the candles. One was green, long and tapered, while the other was purple, thick and burned down to a stub.

"Only the best for us," he laughed.

We took our time eating dinner. I relayed the tedious stories about Valentine's Day fever at my school. Jacob enjoyed hearing about Jessica's reaction to Lauren's roses, but stiffened when I told him about Mike's compliment.

After dinner was over, Jacob pulled out a VHS tape of Breakfast at Tiffany's.

"How did you get that?" I asked, shocked that Jacob might actually own this movie.

"Rented it. I didn't feel too comfortable at the counter. But there were a bunch of couples at the store, all renting mushy, love movies so I didn't feel so bad."

"What happened," I laughed, "they didn't have the DVD available?"

Jacob turned the tape over in his hands.

"Nah, I had to get the tape. We only have a VCR player here." He nodded to the TV, where sitting under it was an old, dusty VCR. "We're a little outdated here on the res."

"Yikes," I teased, "Didn't know they made those anymore."

Jacob snorted.

"They don't. That one's from the eighties. My Dad won't let us get a DVD player until the thing finally dies. I'm considering filling it with a few nail heads just to speed up the process." He grinned sheepishly and then bent over the VCR and popped in the tape.

The movie started and Jacob came to sit by me on the couch.

"Still works," he muttered with a sly grin as Audrey Hepburn, in her signature black dress, walked into the opening scene.

I was surprised that Jacob had picked this movie for us. Breakfast At Tiffany's is absolutely one of my all time favorites. Probably the only romance film I can not only sit through, but actually enjoy. I was secretly happy he didn't end up renting some Julia Roberts romantic-comedy or a sing-songy musical where everyone belted out their feelings before breaking into perfect, choreographed dance.

No, Jacob had somehow managed to pick, out of possibly hundreds of rejected VHS tapes, the one movie I adored. Breakfast at Tiffany's wasn't obnoxious and blunt about the characters' relationship. Their romance was complicated and flawed. But they made it work.

I kicked off my muddy shoes and curled myself around Jake's body. His warmth beat through me as we sat in silence. Our breath slowed, rising and falling in sync.

On screen, Holly Golightly was introducing her neighbor Paul to her pet cat, which she simply called "Cat" in order to avoid becoming attached to it.

The character of Holly had once impressed me. She had always seemed so chic and strong-willed. Ready to take on the world. But now, watching her, she didn't appear that way anymore. The way Holly shunned any kind of emotional attachment was clearly just a defense against allowing herself to feel anything real. She wasn't strong or independent. She was hurt. Remaining detached from the people around her made her safe.

A jolting boom of thunder startled me.

Jacob squeezed me closer.

I sighed, trying to focus on why I was here. Not to commiserate with Holly Golightly, but…in a way…to make sure I never became her. To give Jacob something better than a girlfriend void of emotion. One that could feel what he was feeling without being haunted by her past.

The Plan, I reminded myself.

I looked down at Jacob's hands. His long fingers were stretched around my knee. His thumb lightly caressed the inside of my leg.

The image of Jessica's condoms tucked into the back pocket of my skirt flashed in my head.

I can't believe I'm going to do this.

Jacob was still watching the movie intently, although I could tell he was a little confused by it. His brow furrowed in the middle.

Well, it was now or never. Slowly, deliberately, I put my hand to his arm and glided my palm over his bicep, and…I can't believe I'm doing this…squeezed it.

He looked over at me and the corners of his lips twitched upward. I stared at him, hoping that what Jessica had said would be true. That he would get the hint and just take over.

But Jacob simply tucked his hair behind one of his ears and then turned back to the movie.

Oh no, I thought, I'm going to have to try this again.

While keeping my eyes locked on his, I ran my fingers through his sleek, dark hair.

Jacob exhaled roughly but still did not turn away from the TV.

Is he not getting the hint? What am I going to have to do?

I gasped silently. Jessica's words repeated in my memory.

"Believe me, when you're on top of him, he's going to know what you want, and he's definitely not going to turn you down."

With a quick inhale, I raised my body from the couch and pulled myself on top of Jacob. I wrapped my legs around the width of his body and stared at him blankly in the face.

Thunder cracked again and the room was lit with bright light for two short seconds. Lightning.

Jacob looked at me with the same intent face he had watched the movie with. He titled his head to one side and pursed his lips.

"Happy Valentine's Day," I whispered and kissed him.

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Jacob had taken me by the hand, and together we had run out of the house and into the storm. Rain pelted us, soaking our bodies in seconds. Lightning flashed but we only ran harder. I could not see in the darkness. Jacob was leading me blindly through the storm. Together we ran at full speed to his garage.

This was not the innocent, gentle experience I thought would resemble the moment in my bedroom when he had touched me under my shirt.

This was animalistic need.

We had entered the garage, and Jacob scooped me into his arms, his mouth colliding with mine. I kissed him back. Desperately. Needing this to happen but unsure how. I let him pull me deeper into the garage as his mouth covered mine. I pushed back onto his lips with my own, matching the push and pull of our bodies as we trampled our way through the garage. It was dark and cluttered and we fumbled over tools and scattered debris. Buckets of paint tipped from under our hurried feet. But Jacob only continued to tear us through the tiny space, hoisting me up and against him so my chest was flat on his. He kissed me, pulled me, backed us deeper into the darkness of the shed. Away from the outside world. Away from the storm. Drawing me closer to make me his.

I had hoped that Jacob would know what to do, and simply take over... but I had not expected this. This wasn't like kissing my Jacob: younger best friend turned awkward boyfriend. Now the way he moved- confident and deliberate—and the way he felt against me, it was like he had somehow changed. Like he had matured at hyper speed the moment we had run out into the rain. His hands in my hair felt larger, his grip as his lifted me was stronger. I had to strain my face upward to reach his lips: taller, fuller. He moved swiftly and precisely along my body as though he had done it a thousand times before. He knew to sweep my hair away from my neck before he kissed me there. To drag his teeth along my sternum, smiling and gasping with his hands on my chest. And when I buried my face into his wet hair, inhaling deeply, I hoped that his sudden change would somehow work on me, to mend what was broken and make me whole again.

He turned us, my back sliding against the metal workbench beside me, so that he could push me up against the rear wall. Lightning illuminated the shed in quick, blinding bursts. I felt my back meet the cold metal and balled the fabric of his shirt in my hands, nervous and trembling. We had reached the end of the shed. There was nowhere else to go.

"Undress me," Jacob groaned into my throat. And his voice was gritty and rough. I frantically gripped his tie in one shaking hand and yanked it loose from his neck, not entirely sure of what I was doing, but knowing the basic mechanics of disrobing. He kissed me as I worked, trailing his lips steadily along my jawline before plunging his tongue into my ear. I put my hands to his hips, and they felt strong and muscular…and hot as my fingers dipped under his shirt and grazed his skin. Then I pulled the polo up, over his chest and shoulders, over his head, and tossed it to the floor. Jacob moaned once more, taking my hands in his and pressing my palms firmly to his bare chest. It was hot to the touch.

His lips were on me, wasting no time. He kissed me as he pulled my own shirt up, mimicking what I had just done for him, our lips separating only for the seconds the fabric ghosted between us. Then he was back. To my mouth. To my shoulders, pulling my bra straps down in one hearty tug. The bra fell limply down to my stomach, leaving my breasts fully exposed to the cold air of the room. And he was there, cupping me, grabbing me. Hot hands against cool skin. I kissed him back, steeling myself. Then I put my hands to Jacob's belt and tried to work it out of the buckle. This was going to happen. It had to happen. For us. For me. I needed it.

His belt fell open, finally, and my hands raked down his jeans, sliding them to his ankles. Jacob grabbed at my thighs, and in one motion, kicked off his pants and placed himself between my parted legs.

"Now?" Jacob gasped in a shaking breath and I nodded back. Yes. Take all of me. Make me whole and good. Breathe life into me again. Please.

His hand—hot to the touch- moved up my thigh to the hem of my skirt, pushing past it, and found the lace of Jessica's underwear between my legs. I could feel him smirk against me. But there was no time for me to be embarrassed. Jacob balled the thin layer of fabric in his massive hand and yanked it roughly out of place. The lacy underwear ripped around him and he let out a hoarse laugh, beaming with excitement. The torn underwear fell from my body in a soft flutter to the floor. And before I could feel the bareness of my exposed skin, Jacob had placed himself there instead.

Skin against skin for a fraction of a second. Then he pushed himself inside me.

It was fire. The pain of my first time. The heat of Jacob was almost unbearable. It was like I was burning. That he was burning...inside of me. He thrust into me, and my back ground against the wall. He held my hips firmly as he pumped himself into me with searing fire. I freed my face from his, to see him. To make sure this was still Jacob. Because it didn't feel like him. He was too hot, too fierce. And it didn't sound like him, as he grunted and roared against me. Our bodies clashed and pulled together, slick from the rain and sweat. It was so hot. Too hot. How could he not feel it? I grabbed onto his shoulders, trying to concentrate on him, on my Jacob. His earthly smell was everywhere, thicker now in this small space. I tried to focus on it. But it was too much. Too unreal. My nails dug into his skin, and he took it as a sign of pleasure as he tucked his hand under my knee, hitching my leg up higher around him. To be deeper. To be further inside me. With every thrust his body made, the heat burned away at me. All I could do was close my eyes, hoping that this was it. The last part of me that held onto the past was burning away.

When Jacob cried out-a guttural call of my name- his body began to shake.

My eyes flashed open. The line of his shoulder trembled violently. The edges around him started to blur. He was shaking out of control.

"Jake!?"

He was frantic, pounding and pinning me against the wall. I tried to look at him, to see his face, but there was nothing but russet heated skin, and his black mane of hair, splayed between us.

"Fuck!" he cried.

His body shuddered and he threw himself off of me, falling to his knees on the floor. The outline of his body was still blurring as Jacob came.

"Jake?" I breathed, scared to what was happening.

A snarling noise erupted from Jacob's chest. His body heaved once, his wide back arching up like a cat, and he winced painfully. The sound of Jacob retching filled the room. His body locked as he threw up the lasagna dinner I had made. Again, his body heaved.

I watched, captivated, as Jacob voided himself. The only thought that came was He's doing what I feel.

I couldn't place it. Couldn't understand. But everything was suddenly so wrong. Jacob and I together. The Plan. Giving him all of me in hopes to make me whole.

I felt like I was going to be sick myself.

"Bella," Jacob's voice croaked. He had curled into himself and was breathing heavily on the floor. I ducked, not wanting him to see me, and recovered my top and the ripped underwear from the floor.

I leaned against the wall and buried my face into my clothes, trying to hold myself together. Maybe I wasn't physically ill like Jake, but inside, I was a mess. It was over, but not the way I had intended. The empty void inside of me was still here. It was my hope that was gone. I had failed. I stood in this small garage naked and still broken. I had taken the last piece of me and thrown it away. For nothing. The urge to heave it all up and rid myself of what I had done flooded through me. I felt jealous of Jake; that he could reject it all so easily.

For me, this could never be undone.

After a long moment, I pulled the blouse from my face and dressed myself quickly. As I pulled down the sides of my skirt, the condoms slipped from my pocket and fell to the floor.

I stared at them blankly. We didn't even use a condom. I bent over, picking them up and tucked them back into my pocket, wishing I had never gone to Jessica's that day. Never conjured this stupid plan.

"Bells, I'm sorry I hurled," Jake said in a dry voice. I heard him dressing slowly behind me, but did not turn around. "I just, I felt… sick at the end. Something didn't… feel right in me," he sounded confused.

No, I agreed internally, this definitely did not feel right.

His hand closed around mine and he led me back outside into the rain. I let him, although his touch repulsed me. Sleeping with Jacob had been a mistake. One at too high a cost. Everything I had worked so hard to regain was destroyed. And he was the center of it.

We walked toward his house, letting the rain pour over us. The lights were on in the tiny house. Billy was home. I had no idea how much time had passed or how long it had taken us. When we came to pass by my truck I stopped short and walked over to it. Jacob followed.

"I'm going home." I forced the words out, not looking at him.

"Alright," Jacob breathed. He put his hand to his stomach and rubbed it idly. "I'm really sorry about getting sick. It wasn't about…what we did."

I ignored him and stepped into my truck, turning the engine and leaving Jacob to wave goodbye in the rain.

The white carnation sat perfectly unharmed on my dashboard. Outside the rain came down in buckets, the thunder howled and lightning threatened in bright sparks, but this small, fragile flower was undisturbed. Still perfect and pure.

My body shivered. I smacked the button for the heat angrily and watched the petals shake as hot air blew from the vent. I didn't look at it for the rest of the ride home.

.

.

Charlie's lights were still on when I pulled up in the driveway. I shook my head. I had been hoping to avoid him entirely tonight.

When I entered the house I heard the TV on and the sound of Charlie's snoring coming from the living room.

At least he's sleeping, I thought to myself, relieved. I wouldn't have to face Charlie tonight. He wouldn't have to see me like this.

I passed by the kitchen; the vase of white carnations still sat proudly on the counter. It stared at me smugly, knowingly.

Without another thought, I lunged at the vase and smashed it to the floor.

Charlie's snoring came to an abrupt stop and I heard him start to get up.

I glowered down at the flowers. White and innocent.

Not anymore.

I ran past Charlie as I sprinted up the stairs.

I collapsed onto my bed and pressed my face into the pillow. The storm outside still thundered, unyielding. Even with the crashing of rain and the sound of my cries, I could hear the faint swish from downstairs of a broom sweeping up glass.

.

a/n: I realize Forks is a small town and may not have a Target . However, Bella does live near larger cities, so I'm sure one of those features a Target store.

What did you think of Bella's first time? Did you think it would go differently? Surprised at Jacob's reaction? Leave a review and let me know!