Chapter Seven
Leave
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That was the first night I dreamed of the grass.
Long, lush, green grass stretched around me. The color green was everywhere. And the smell! The scent of the crisp grass felt strong enough to be almost tangible. There was nothing else I could see or hear. Just the grass. Full, soft, and endless.
.
.
The morning came. The moment my eyes opened I felt the numbness return. It spread over me like a thick wool blanket. I welcomed it without a fight. Being numb was familiar and easy. It was not thinking or feeling or remembering. It was where this had all started—and I had returned to it.
Yesterday's storm had passed but the sky remained grey. Light rain misted the air and I walked through it unfazed towards my truck. My feet fumbled over something—probably each other—and I fell onto the pavement of Charlie's driveway.
That should have hurt, I noted to myself. Should have, but didn't.
The day passed by me. Everyone was still giddy over the excitement of their Valentine's festivities last night. At one point Jessica was describing in detail her night with Mike. She pulled on the sleeve of my hoodie and asked in a whisper about what had happened with Jacob.
She was met with a blank stare.
"Bella?" Jessica had asked.
I reached into my back pocket and folded the condoms into the palm of her hand.
She looked up at me and started rambling off questions in a high pitched voice.
I pulled the hood over my head, blocking her voice and her eyes from mine. She eventually stopped and with a frustrated huff walked away from me.
At the end of the day, Jacob was waiting for me in the parking lot. His Rabbit was parked in the slot next to my truck. I stopped walking and stared at his car, surprised that he was here. I had forgotten that he would come after school. It was like he had stopped existing.
And here he was, waving and grinning at me as I walked by. The sight of his face, joyous and buoyant, stirred something inside of me. The numb-blanket shifted. I strode past his car without looking at him and climbed into my truck. The Rabbit was in my rearview mirror the entire ride home.
When I parked in Charlie's driveway, Jacob was already getting out of his car to meet me. I hopped out of the truck and walked quickly to the house without bothering to turn around.
"Hey, wait up," Jacob called, walking faster.
Hearing his voice, the numbness drifted off of me. His presence pushed through the void- dredging up last night and demanding to be acknowledged. I couldn't return to the emptiness when Jacob was here—forcing me to feel. I whirled around to face him.
"Stop it!" I called across the lawn. "Stop following me!"
He was caught off guard, halting mid-step and staring at me in confusion.
"The…bears, Bella. There's been more of them sighted-"
"Oh, don't give me that!" I spat, "This isn't about the bears."
He looked hurt. His arms fell helplessly at his sides.
"Don't you want to see me?"
"No, right now I actually do not want to see you, Jacob." I tried to control my voice, but it was harsh and cold.
"Is this about last night?" he asked softly.
"Last night," I groaned, running my hands over my face.
Jacob rushed to explain himself. "I'm sorry I got sick. I know it was the worst timing. I still don't even know what happened. Everything was great and then all of a sudden it was like I was going to explode. Like my insides were going to burst from my skin. I can't…describe it. Then I started puking and-"
My hands fell to my stomach, clutching it. Remembering how I had wanted to do the same, wishing I still could.
"You threw up because it was wrong," I explained, "A mistake."
Incredulity spread across his face as though I had slapped him.
"What? No. Don't say that." His eyes searched me, waiting for me to concur. To and tell him I was only kidding and run into his arms. When that didn't happen, worry began to show. "Bella, come on," he pleaded, "I...I love you."
I couldn't help but wince at his words. "Don't," I whispered, "please."
"What? Tell you the truth?" Jacob asked, his voice rising so that he was almost shouting at me across the lawn, "I've loved you from the moment we met, knowing I could never have you. I watched you love and hurt and cry over someone else and finally, by some miracle, when I kissed you that the first time, you kissed me back. I've been patient and understanding. Waiting and trying to help you. Falling so hard for you and never able say it, knowing I'd scare you if I ever did. But there it is. I love you. And last night was the best night of my life. Shit, Bells, you're the one who started it! I knew what you were doing on the couch. I tried to ignore it. To wait. But you wanted me, too. And it happened and it was fucking amazing. So don't try to back out of this now because you're scared. This is how we're supposed to be."
"This is not how it is supposed to be!" I shouted. His confession did nothing but ignite my anger. At him. At myself. "Don't you feel it? When I think about last night I want to puke it all out. Just like you did!"
"You really think I threw up because being with you makes me sick?" He almost laughed as the words came out in a condescending scoff. "Listen to me Bella, something was wrong with my body last night. I don't know what happened to me—I sure as hell thought I was going to do a lot worse than puke. But that doesn't mean for one fucking second that I regret making last night our first time."
I shook my head at him. He didn't get it.
"Last night shouldn't have happened at all. It shouldn't have been with you."
Jacob stepped back, taking the blow.
"So this is about him," he yelled, "Isn't it?" The words were acidic, and saying them, Jacob could not look me in the eye.
He was a coward, just like me. Jacob wouldn't speak the name that hung in the air. The name that was always there, but never spoken.
"Go ahead, Jake," I goaded, "Say it. Say his name, out loud."
His eyes twitched to mine, looking back at me like I had just dared him.
"Edward."
And then there was the pain. Proof that the numbness was gone. It coiled and twisted with the guilt over our transgression last night, washing over me and bringing me to my knees on the wet grass.
Jacob did not move.
"See what he does to you?" he yelled, "How can you still love him? How can you…" His voice caught. He shut his eyes bitterly and his face twisted in conflict. "How can you want him and not me?"
I wrapped my arms around my waist. My insides felt like they were coming undone.
"I tried to change that," I gasped, "but I can't!"
"So then what? You can't be with anyone else for the rest of your life?" Jacob barked, "Is that it?"
I turned away from him.
"Go away," I muttered.
"No. You're so wrong about everything, Bella."
"Please leave!" I cried, tucking my face into my knees.
"I hate him," he said in a low rumble. "I hate him for hurting you, for turning you into this," he gestured with his hand to my crouched position on the ground, "and I hate him for making you think you don't love me."
How could Jacob think that? How could he ever believe that I could love him, love anyone? I was too broken. There was only pain and emptiness and the ever constant longing to be with the one who left me behind.
I jumped to my feet, enraged.
"Love you? I try to just be with you and it hurts. You love me and it hurts. I give myself to you and it hurts. I can't even look at you without feeling guilty and angry. So no, I don't love you. I don't want to love you."
He looked stricken, but reached out to me nevertheless. "Bells, please. I love you so much."
"Stop it! I don't love you back!" I screamed and shoved him hard in the chest.
He didn't budge, but his eyes flickered with fury.
"I don't love you! Get that!"
Another shove to his chest, it was like hitting a brick wall. Unyielding. Stubborn.
"Bella!" he screamed. We were inches apart, a proximity I wanted to change.
"I will never love you!" I pushed. Finally he gave, stepping backwards. Becoming smaller.
Jacob put his hands to the sides of his head. His jaw clenched as he shook his head.
"No-" he moaned. I heard the sound of his teeth grinding.
He looked up at me with reddened eyes as he shook with trembling anger. He winced with such force that bottom lip split and red blood spurt through his mouth. He looked as if he were in agony.
Jacob stepped backward, away from me, and ran. He sprinted faster than I've ever seen him run; his body was only a blur as he hurled himself into his car. The Rabbit fishtailed as he gunned it down the street.
Jake was gone. He finally listened to me.
The rain fell around me, coming down harder after Jacob left. I fumed and pounded my way into the house. I had no jacket. No shield from the rain. My coat still hung in Jacob's house in La Push. He had left me utterly exposed.
The linen closet was in the hallway, waiting for me to pillage through it for a coat. I had only invested in the one jacket since moving here, denying that I would ever need more than that. After all there was no spring or summer here. Just rain, constant and everlasting rain.
I dug franticly through stacks of clean sheets and towels, through old blankets and throws. Finally, at the bottom of the closet lay an old, navy blue bomber jacket. It was Charlie's. From the look of it, it had once served it's time as part of his police uniform. The fabric had faded everywhere except for two oval shapes on the arms. Exactly where the Forks Police Department patches would have been. I lifted the coat to my face and it smelled of musk and Charlie's Head n' Shoulders shampoo. I held it against my lips and breathed in the smell.
Putting it on, I shrugged myself into the sleeves. Of course, it was too large for me. But it would do. Miraculously, it had a hood. So it was perfect.
I left the jacket on and walked into the living room to attempt to watch TV. I needed something to drown out my thoughts. I knew it wouldn't work, but I needed to try.
Charlie came home and found me sitting on the couch. The TV was on but I wasn't watching it. He came to sit on the sofa, sighing as he shifted into the cushion beside to me.
"You're wearing my jacket?" he asked, surprised.
I looked down at my hands, the jacket sleeves hung over them. Only my fingertips poked through.
"Yea," I answered, "It's all I have. The other one is gone."
Charlie nodded, looking me over in his old police coat.
"It doesn't fit very well."
"I'll get used to it," I muttered.
He sighed and then looked away from me. His eyes found the kitchen.
"I'm sorry about the flowers, Bells."
I groaned. The flowers. I had almost forgotten that I had destroyed Charlie's gift. And he was apologizing for it. It was an apology I didn't deserve and it tugged at my guilt.
"Don't be. I'm the one who killed them," I said mournfully.
Charlie coughed, clearing his throat.
"It wasn't because you gave them to me," I continued. "It was just…looking at them made me sad… about myself."
Charlie frowned. "Why?"
I shrugged. My shoulder sent a surge of fresh pain through my body but I barely noticed it. It was nothing compared to the last twenty-four hours.
I remained silent beside Charlie. I had no answer I could truthfully give him, so I offered him none.
He nodded, accepting that, but looked me over with his concerned eyes. How confident I had once been that I would never see that expression on Charlie's face again. That I would be able to turn things around and fix it all with my ridiculous Plan. The guilt tugged again.
"How are you doing, Bells?" Charlie finally asked, "Everything okay?"
I realized I was cradling my left wrist in my hand. I had removed the brace yesterday before school, thinking the healing would be as good as done. My wrist was now swollen, agitated from pushing Jacob. It throbbed in my hand.
"My wrist hurts," I sighed pathetically. Out of all the reasons and explanations that swam in my head, this was the only one I could give to Charlie.
He stood and walked quickly into the kitchen. I heard the freezer door open and him collect ice cubes from the tray. He came back with a towel wrapped around a chunk of ice.
"It's swollen again. Put this on it," Charlie said as he handed me the towel. "What did you do? Attempt a hand-stand?" He smiled, trying to lighten the air.
"No," I said, sliding the jacket sleeve up to my elbow and pressed the ice-towel to my wrist. "I guess I just wasn't ready to remove the brace." I grimaced at my words. "Wasn't ready to heal."
I sank lower into the couch trying to get out of Charlie's line of sight. Tears were brimming at my eyes. I didn't want to cause more hurt and worry for him by doing something stupid, like crying.
"Where were you and Jacob last night?" he asked, clearly not noticing my face.
"What?" My voice broke a little, but his question had at least taken my mind off of crying.
"When I dropped Billy off, the house was empty. The lights were out, too. Looked like the house had lost power for a bit, so I helped Billy with the fuse box. Your truck was there…and so was Jake's car. But you were both gone. You didn't go out into the storm did you?" Charlie still wasn't looking at me. Perhaps he had noticed the tears.
"We…we did go out. We walked a bit and then went to his garage. He…wanted to work on something." It sounded like a terrible excuse. And that's exactly what it was.
"Hmm," Charlie mumbled. "As long as you weren't out in the woods. I don't like all these bear stories I've been hearing."
"I'm so tired of hearing about these damn bears!" I snapped.
Charlie raised his eyebrows to me. My face felt red, but at least I wasn't crying.
"Let's order a pizza tonight," he said quietly.
I nodded and then I turned back to the TV, pretending to watch it. Charlie walked to the phone and I heard him dial.
The pizza came and we ate it in silence. When we were done, I excused myself to my bedroom. The rest of the night I spent with the lights off, curled onto my bed, holding my wrist. I tried not to think of one thing only. Of Edward.
I drifted in and out of sleep until finally the dream of the grass came. The grass seemed to keep growing in my dream, stretching farther.
Green grass appeared in my dreams for the next fifteen days.
.
.
It was the beginning of March when the door knocked as Charlie and I finished up eating dinner. Instinctively, I turned to face the front door and listened to the knock repeat. Charlie was focused on his meal, not budging a muscle in his seat.
I went to the door and opened it. Angela Weber stood there with an apologetic smile.
"Hi Bella," she said in her soft voice.
She was standing with her hands tightly clasped in front of her, shifting from one foot to the next. She looked anxious.
"Come in," I said, taken by surprise, and then stepped to the side to allow her in the house.
Charlie still hadn't moved or made a sound.
As we entered the kitchen, Charlie abruptly got up from his seat and without looking at me or Angela, walked his plate over to the sink and dumped it in.
"Dad…" I started, eyeing him skeptically, "Angela Weber is here."
Charlie's shoulders hunched and he turned smiling at us.
"Hello Angela, it's nice to see you," he said with too much enthusiasm.
"Thanks," Angela said in a hushed voice, refusing to meet both Charlie's and my eyes.
"Why don't you girls go on upstairs and talk!" Charlie beamed at us. He was overdoing it. The performance was way too theatrical for me to believe that this was natural behavior.
I shot him a questioning glare and then countered.
"Actually, Angela…let's go for a walk," I said, still staring at Charlie, gauging his reaction. What was he up to?
"Not in the woods, Bells," Charlie said sternly. I shook my head at him and motioned for Angela to follow me back to the front door. I grabbed the bomber jacket as she and I headed down the front steps.
"How, er, are you, Bella?" Angela asked as soon as we stepped outside.
I zipped up the front of the jacket and watched the expression on her face. She looked guilty.
"How are you?" I retorted, "You look like you just robbed a bank."
Her cheeks flushed red… and for a split moment, I was glad to see Angela here. She reminded me of myself. Well, of who I used to be.
"Um," she stammered.
"What? Did Charlie bribe you or something to come over here?" I asked, trying to sound like I was teasing, but my voice instead came out in a vicious snap.
"Oh no! Bella please don't think that! I don't mind coming out here! I really don't. I'm worried about you, too. You're just so…distant at school that I'm afraid to... I don't want to invade your business. Then your dad called and said you weren't doing well. He just asked if I could come by and maybe talk things over with you—"
"Angela, calm down," I gave out a frustrated sigh, "I didn't really think Charlie had invited you over here. But I guess that explains his behavior in there." I lifted one side of my mouth weakly to reassure her. But it had the opposite effect. The frightened look on Angela's face proved that she didn't realize that I was trying to smile. I let my mouth fall. I was scaring her.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly and looked down at her feet, "I should have come here on my own. That's what…a real friend would have done. Not have to be asked over by your dad."
Her apology nipped at me, irritating the guilt that I had tried to bury for the last fifteen days. I snapped back at her.
"Don't apologize to me! I can't listen to another apology I don't deserve."
She cringed away from me and I instantly regretted the harsh tone of my voice. But I couldn't seem to help it. I had no control of my emotions anymore. Once I had opened the door to feeling them, they just took over. Everything I said or felt was unbridled.
I looked away from her as we walked down Charlie's driveway. A light mist of rain was starting. I pulled up the hood on my jacket.
Angela was quiet. Her hands twisted around each other.
"What?" I asked, breaking the silence. My voice still sounded bitter.
"You're…doing it. Acting the way you do at school." Her words were very, very soft. She was afraid of me.
I closed my eyes and breathed, trying very hard to make my voice calm.
"What way is that?"
Angela stopped walking and turned her head to Charlie's house. Probably trying to gauge the distance and how fast she could run to safety in case I suddenly decided to spring at her.
"Mean," she said. "Angry. Irritated. And then the next day you'll be isolated and quiet. I see you sometimes crying into your locker." She paused, still watching Charlie's house, "You're emotions are so extreme. Your dad notices it too. That's why he called me. He wanted me to come by and… talk to you about…"
She turned back to me. Her face was not scared, or angry. It was sympathetic. Angela was quiet and shy like me. She respected that I had secrets and boundaries and felt guilty for being here and invading my privacy. If it weren't for Charlie's request, she would never prod me for personal information like this.
"About Jacob?" I asked quietly, easing up on her.
She nodded.
"He doesn't come by after school anymore," she whispered.
I grimaced. Angela was observant by nature, but I knew that she didn't have to be exceptionally perceptive to notice that Jacob had stopped coming to the school. It must be obvious to everyone.
Without saying a word, we both continued walking down the driveway. Angela lifted the hood of her own coat on her head. When we reached the end, we turned to walk down Charlie's street.
"We…broke up, I guess," I said flatly. That seemed to be the best way to put it. I hadn't heard from Jacob in over two weeks. I had also made no attempts to contact him.
"You don't have to talk about it," Angela said.
"I know. Thanks for that."
She smiled weakly.
"Is it that bad?" I asked, "The way I am? I know I've been erratic."
"It's not as bad as the first," Angela replied.
The first. The first…break up, she meant. I shuddered. The word break-up wasn't enough. It could never possibly encompass everything I once had… and what was lost.
"No," I agreed.
"Bella," Angela said from behind her hood, "You're not alone. Me, your dad, we care. We want to help."
"I am alone," I corrected her. "But that's okay."
Angela turned to me, her dark brown eyes were sad. I knew she wanted to argue, to show me that she could help. But she couldn't. I was beyond that.
I faced away from Angela and continued to walk quietly beside her. She seemed to notice that the conversation was over, although she didn't appear bitter about it. She just walked next to me.
"No hard feelings, Bella?" Angela asked after a while.
"No," I answered, looking at her. "Of course not." Then I scoffed and added, "At least not against you. Charlie, on the other hand… I can't believe he asked you to do this."
"Don't be too angry with him. He's trying," she offered.
I rolled my eyes at her.
"I guess. I'm glad he called you though. Anyone else would have been too humiliating to endure."
"Um," Angela murmured cautiously.
"What?" I asked.
"Don't be mad at him!" she urged, her cheeks now growing red.
I eyed her and waited.
"He didn't call me first," she said nervously. "He called Jessica. But she refused to come." She lowered her head, probably feeling pity that I had been rejected by Jessica Stanley.
"Doesn't surprise me," I said dryly, thinking of how I had brushed Jessica off after Valentine's Day. She didn't seem too happy about that. And now that I think of it, she hadn't attempted conversation with me since.
"Well," Angela continued, "he didn't stop there. He called…" She hesitated.
Her evasion was maddening.
"Angela just spit it out!"
She turned her head and glanced back at the house. It was covered in the thick fog.
"Who?"
"He called Mike Newton!" she blurted and covered her hand over her mouth. Her eyes popped widely in anticipation…waiting to see how I would take the news.
"No!" I shouted in horror. Then, in spite of everything, I doubled over in hysteric laughter. It was too much... the look on Angela's face, remembering Charlie's hushed phone conversations from the past few days, and finally, picturing Mike Newton's aloof grin.
Angela laughed in relief and put her arm to my shoulder. I leaned into her, still laughing. Together we stood on the side of the road, cackling as we held onto each other for support.
"He didn't!" I gasped, catching my breath.
She nodded, still smiling.
"Your dad called the house, but Mike was at work. His Mom suggested calling me and promised to give Mike the message when he came home."
I groaned loudly.
"Charlie! No! Oh, I can't believe he would stoop as low as Mike! What was he thinking?" I shook my head, amused yet utterly repulsed by the fact Charlie would think to call Mike Newton in my hour of need.
"It's nice to see you laugh," Angela said, grinning. "Too bad it's at poor Mike's expense."
We were interrupted by a roar of an engine, breaking through the rain. The fog on the street was thick and low to the ground. I could only make out the color black as the vehicle peeled down the street at us.
I grabbed Angela's hand and pulled us to the side of the road as the black came closer. I was able to discern the shape of a motorcycle. A shining black motorcycle was breaking through the mist, parting the rain around it.
The bike flew past us, and I could make out long, russet arms and a tail of black hair that belonged to the driver.
"Jacob?" I whispered.
It couldn't be.
The bike slowed, stopped right at Charlie's house, and the rider dismounted.
I broke out into a run. Angela hurried behind me.
What was Jacob doing here? Why would he come to see me after everything I had said?
Could I even handle seeing him again?
I ran up to the house and saw that the rider couldn't have been Jacob. He was too short. Although he was still big and husky looking, he didn't tower like Jacob did. I recognized Quil at once.
"Quil!" I shouted as I closed in on the driveway.
Quil spun around at the sound of his name and looked surprised to see me and Angela running full speed at him in the rain.
"Bella?" he asked, ducking his head to see under the hood of my jacket.
"Yes!" I called, and then came to a stop in front of him, panting from the impromptu burst of energy.
"That was you out in the street?" he asked, sounding surprised. He must have seen our laughing.
"Yes," I repeated. "Quil, what are you doing here?"
I heard Angela come to a stop behind us and catch her breath.
Quil titled his head and looked behind me.
"Hey," he said casually to Angela.
"Hi," I heard her breathe.
"Quil?" I asked, waiting for his explanation.
"I came to see you. To talk about Jake." His voice was stern and demanding.
"How did you know where I live?" I asked.
He snorted.
"Not too hard to look up the address of the town's Police Chief. Your dad's listed in the phone book."
"Oh," I said, feeling stupid.
"So, can we talk?" Quil asked bluntly.
Angela shuffled her feet from behind me.
"Bella?" she asked.
I turned around to face her.
"Ang, is it okay with you if I talk with Quil alone?"
"Sure," Angela said, "Ben is waiting for me to come back anyway. I'll see you in school tomorrow." She leaned over to me and hugged my shoulders lightly and then waved to me and Quil as she went back to her Toyota.
"Who's Ben?" Quil asked once Angela was gone.
I looked back at him.
"Her boyfriend."
"Oh." I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
He nodded his head for me to follow him and then started walking away from the house. I trailed behind him as he walked towards the neighboring woods. We were both quiet as we entered them.
We walked together, stomping over wet dirt and grass, dodging low branches of trees. I wondered why Quil was leading me into the forest to talk about Jacob. I also realized I was doing exactly what Charlie had just asked me not to.
I bit my lip anxiously. Why was Quil here? Did something happen? What other mess could I have caused?
Quil stopped walking and faced me. In the mist, his hair was curling along the ends in thick, black tendrils. I waited for him to speak. We were sheltered from the falling rain under the cover of trees, so I pulled back my hood. Quil still said nothing.
He was scowling at me with his eyebrows pulled together in a tight knot on his forehead. I didn't want to speak first, but it was clear that Quil wasn't going to either.
"Why are you riding Jacob's bike?" I asked, giving in. The question had been bothering me as soon as I had recognized it was Quil who pulled into Charlie's driveway.
"It's mine now."
I tilted my head, confused. "Since when?"
"Since you were stupid enough to fall off of it. Jake called me from your dad's phone and told me to pick it up near the high school in your town. He had left it there. Said he wasn't going to ride it anymore." Quil snapped defensively. He pushed out his chest at the end, as if daring me to test him.
"What is your problem?"
"My problem?" Quil mocked, pointing a finger to his chest. "My problem is that you seriously fucked with Jake's head. And now he's run off and joined Sam's stupid gang."
"What?" I took a step back and my foot caught on a rock. I fell backward into the damp bed of wet moss. Quil laughed at this with such throaty enthusiasm I was reminded of Jacob.
"Shut up Quil!" I snapped, getting up and rubbing at my back. This was going to leave a bruise.
Quil watched me situate myself against a small tree. He pulled his lips into a tight pout and continued to glare at me.
"Can you stop with the faces and the accusatory tone and just explain what the hell you're talking about?"
Quil looked surprised by my irritation; he chuckled once to himself and spoke. His voice was thick with dark sarcasm.
"This is a new side of you Bella. You used to be so meek. What, does fucking up someone's life give you a new boost of confidence? Is this how you get your kicks? I come here and see you fucking laughing it up in the middle of the street. Nice to see how much Jake meant to you."
"Is this what you came here to do? Yell at me and taunt me with information on Jacob? Either say what's going on or I'm out of here!" I was shouting at him, but I didn't care. We were far enough into the woods that if Charlie could even hear us, it would be nothing more than whispers.
"He's one of them now. He's a Protector and it's all your fault."
"Jacob is a Protector?" I repeated. I blinked at Quil. The idea that Jacob would join Sam's gang didn't make sense. He had been so against them.
"Yes!" Quil shouted. "He came home after seeing you," he spit out the word, "I was waiting for him. Jake saw me and told me to fuck off. He didn't look right. He looked sick or something. So I left. I didn't know what else to do. That was the last time he spoke to me."
Quil took a small step toward me.
"After that, I tried calling the house and you know what Billy said? That you and Jacob broke up and that Jake needed some time. Then he wasn't in school and when I tried to visit, or even to go to the garage for tools, Sam and the others were there and made me leave. Now, he's with them. I don't know what you did, but you fucked with his head!" By the time Quil finished, his body was shaking.
He took another step towards me. As he moved closer, I reached behind me for the tree and inched myself around it, putting it between the two of us. Suddenly, I did not want to be alone in the woods with him. I was afraid. I had never seen Quil like this. He was always so relaxed and cheerful. This was a different Quil. One who was raging and bitter. His shoulders hunched and his head titled to face me. He was gigantic and strong. And at this moment, he was directing every emotion at only me. The thin and narrow tree between us was a pathetic attempt for a shield. It was not enough to stop him.
Quil's lip pulled back in a sneer as he walked to me. His fisted hands rose in front of him, shaking.
My mind flickered. Run, scream, defend yourself. Do something. But I couldn't. If Quil was anything like Jacob, he was fast. His long, muscled legs would quickly overpower mine. I was too weak for Quil's strength. He could snap this tree in half as easily as he could my neck. I was on my own. Left to face the monster in the woods. I should have listened to Charlie and never entered the forest.
I swallowed hard. Charlie. What would he do if I didn't come home? Would he think to search the woods for me? What would he find when he got here?
"Quil," I breathed, shaking my head. I clutched the tree in both arms.
He threw out his arm and grabbed me by the wrist. I clawed at the tree, trying to hold myself to it. Quil yanked and my fingernails ripped against the bark as he pulled me to him.
Quil's body shook as he held me out in front of him, each strong hand gripped tightly around my arms.
"First Embry and now Jacob!" Quil's voice roared. "They're both gone. I don't exist to them. I have no one. Do you realize what you did? You really fucked shit up for me!"
From deeper in the woods, came a loud grunting noise that was matched with the rustling of wet leaves. The sound sent a shiver down my spine. I recognized it at once. The thud of padded paws running through the forest was the same as it had been in my dream months ago. It was the sound of the beast chasing through the woods. I stiffened in Quil's arms.
Quil heard the noise. It was coming faster and louder. I squirmed but Quil would not release me. He had turned to the direction of the noise and fixed his eyes on a clearing in the trees. His body stilled as we stood and listened to the animal.
The thing emerged from behind Quil. Its great, black body loomed above the ferns and the hanging tree branches. It had slowed when it saw us and bowed its large head to the ground and stalked toward us.
Quil's hands let go of me at once and I fell to the ground. Quil was frozen above me.
"Quil," I whispered. "We have to run."
The thing sauntered forward. Its coal black fur was matted and wet from the rain. It clung to the animal's every muscle. I had never seen a beast so huge in my life.
Large circles of grey eyes locked onto Quil. The animal snorted loudly, sending wet leaves billowing out from the gust of hot air. It was catching our scent.
"Please," I begged, "Run."
Quil did not turn from the animal, but spoke to me in a quiet, paced voice.
"If we run, it will chase and kill us." His voice fell to a whisper and it seemed it was speaking no longer to me, but to himself. "Never in my life have I seen so big…" His voice quivered as he spoke the last word: "Kadi-do."
I scrambled to my feet and grabbed Quil's hand, tugging for him to move.
The animal peeled its muzzle back and snarled. Its eyes would not move from Quil. Its focus was on him alone.
Then we were running. Quil's hand was wrapped tightly around mine as we weaved our way between the trees. My feet beat against the ground and I prayed that I wouldn't trip. I tried to listen for the animal, knowing that it was surely following us, and that any moment it would pounce and kill. But I could not hear it. The only sound was of our feet running through the woods.
As we came closer to the edge, I heard Charlie's panicked voice calling out for me. How long had his calls gone unheard?
If that animal had torn us to pieces, would Charlie have been able to hear our screams? I winced at another thought. If the animal had not come in time to stop Quil, would anyone have heard my screams?
We broke through the last of the trees and ran breathless into Charlie's front lawn. Charlie stood in the yard, watching us run wildly. I dropped Quil's hand from mine at the sight of Charlie and ran harder to reach him.
"Dad!" I screamed, bolting for him. He was too close to the woods. If the animal came for us, it would surely kill Charlie as well.
"Bella!" Charlie yelled. "What's going on?"
I ran to him and threw myself into his arms. I felt myself tremble against Charlie's chest. He held me to him tighter.
"Bells, what happened?" Charlie spoke with tense worry.
"The…the bear, Dad. Please, get in the house! It—it was enormous!"
I listened, my face pressed into Charlie's flannel shirt, waiting for the thing to emerge.
"The what?" Charlie asked.
"The bear! But it wasn't a bear….it was a…"
"Kadi-do," Quil answered.
Charlie and I stared at Quil. He was still breathing heavy, but stood a distance from us on the lawn. He was closer to the end of the driveway where his bike was parked.
Charlie's voice tightened. "Who are you?"
"Quil Atera from the reservation. I am a friend of Jacob and I came to see Bella. I'm sorry sir, I took her into the woods."
"You what?" Charlie yelled, dropping his arms from me and taking strides towards Quil. "You took my daughter into the woods? For what purpose?"
"Wait," I shouted, trying to stop Charlie. I needed to know what Quil had said. The word he had spoken chilled my spine. "What is that word, Quil? What was that thing?"
Quil took Charlie's hesitation to back himself closer to his motorcycle. His eyes twitched from Charlie to the woods, watching each one to see which might be the first to attack.
"Kadi-do. It is Quileute for dog… or wolf. Though I have never seen… it was too big…" Quil shook his head, "and it did not follow us."
The three of us turned back to the woods. It was dark now. The sun had set without my notice. The blackened woods were quiet and did not stir.
"Listen to me, boy, you don't take my kid into the woods! Ever!" Charlie barked.
Quil nodded as he continued to move towards the bike. Then he looked at me, sadness in his eyes. "I'm so sorry Bella. For… everything. I didn't… I couldn't get control… I…"
"Get off my property!" Charlie shouted and Quil hastily agreed, jumping onto the bike and revving the engine. He peeled out into the street and was gone.
Charlie whirled around to me.
"I specifically said not to go into the woods!"
I cringed back and tucked into myself. My eyes falling from Charlie's to the ground.
"I'm sorry," I breathed.
That was it. Walls within me cracked. I felt them coming down. Crashing. Walls that held my guilt and pain and anger. At myself and Jacob and Edward. What I had needed to say for so long finally came. I was sorry. Terribly sorry for never allowing myself to heal. For keeping everyone away. For dragging myself through hell and back and taking Jacob with me. The past few months I had pushed back every apology, swallowing it down with the pain. Sorry. I was so sorry for everything. And once I said it, I couldn't stop.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Oh, Bella. Don't. It's okay... just don't..." Charlie stammered.
He groaned, giving up trying to speak. Instead he walked to me and placed his hand on my back and rubbed it gently.
"I'm sorry," I sobbed. I was wrong. I was stupid and reckless.
Charlie's arms wrapped my shoulders as I cried into myself. He let me sob until there was no more than broken breaths from my lips. Then Charlie bent over me and scooped me up in his arms.
"Bella?"
Charlie turned us to the sound of my name.
Mike Newton stood in the driveway holding a bouquet of purple irises. Neither of us had heard him approach.
"Is she okay?" he asked Charlie.
Charlie grimaced at the sight of Mike, no doubt remembering that he had called earlier and asked Mike to come over and help. Now here I was, crumpled in Charlie's arms in the middle of the night.
Perfect timing for Mike Newton.
"Come inside Mike," Charlie said abruptly and swung us around to enter the house. He called back over his shoulder. "And leave those in your car. Bella doesn't like flowers."
He set me down once we were inside. Since I had somewhat composed myself, I guessed Charlie thought I was mentally prepared enough for company.
Mike stepped behind me with a weak smile. The three of us, Charlie, Mike and I stood together in the entryway, all too embarrassed to speak first.
"Are you alright, Bella?" Mike finally asked.
I opened my mouth to answer but Charlie beat me to it.
"She fell" was all he said.
We had no idea how long Mike had been standing in the driveway. Had he seen me sobbing and crying out "I'm sorry" into the darkness? Did it even matter? Mike came to help just like Angela had done. It wouldn't have mattered to him what had happened, only that I was okay.
"What's in your hand?" I asked Mike, indicating toward a thin box he held in his hands. My voice was still shaky and my lips felt dry and cracked. I realized how incredibly thirsty I was.
"It's a movie," Mike shrugged. He looked down to the box, which I could now see was clearly a DVD, with embarrassment.
"We could go for a good movie around here." Charlie forced a smile onto his face. "As long as it's a comedy," he added.
Mike smiled.
"It is actually!" He held up the DVD case to prove it. "Notting Hill with Julia Roberts!" He beamed at us, proud that he hadn't brought over Old Yeller or something.
A Julia Roberts romantic comedy? After everything that had just happened, the thought of sitting here with Mike and watching Julia's toothy smile fill our TV screen was absurd. I looked back down at the DVD. There she was, grinning happily. Julia Roberts.
Then I was reminded of Jacob. Jacob holding a tape of Breakfast at Tiffany's and wearing a loosely knotted tie. I remembered how I had prided him for not renting some ridiculous Julia Roberts film. He knew me better than that. Jacob. A Protector now.
I pushed the image away. I was exhausted and confused by everything that had happened, but I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts just yet.
"Great," I said quickly and grabbed onto the sleeve of Mike's sweatshirt. "Let's watch it." I pulled Mike to the living room, desperate to get the movie in and be able to fill my head with the monotonous dialog and story line. Anything to break the thoughts of Valentine's Day, or Jacob, or the events that followed.
Charlie brought us three cans of Coke and a bag of chips for the movie. I gave him a frail smile. He was attempting hospitality, even after our embarrassing scene on the front lawn that Mike had surely witnessed. I drank the soda greedily, quenching my thirst. Mike feasted on the potato chips, shoving handfuls of greasy, salted discs into his mouth and crunching loudly on them.
Mike sat next to me and during the movie, his hand found mine. It was warm. Not hot like Jacob's, or cold like Edward's. Mike was neutral.
We watched the movie through to the end, although I paid little attention to it. It was only diversion for me. When it was over, Mike stood and gave a yawning goodnight to me and Charlie. He turned back once, before walking out the door, and winked at me.
Charlie and I took the stairs slowly to our rooms. It was nearly one in the morning. Late. But at least the day was finally over. Charlie patted my shoulder with a low "goodnight" and shut the door to his bedroom behind him. Exhaustion overwhelmed me. When I finally opened my bedroom door I was about ready to faint.
If it had not been for the fragrant smell, I would have surely collapsed immediately onto the bed. But as I had opened the door, the scent had swirled around me, filling my lungs with its sweet familiarity. The scent had been far from me for so long, yet I could never forget it. I knew who it belonged to, and the knowing caused my heart beat in my chest like mad.
Moonlight poured through my window and illuminated the dark profile that stood in front of it. I stepped closer and shut the door behind me. It clicked softly. We stood together in the room. Then he spoke, confirming what I already knew.
"Bella," he said.
Edward's voice was just how I remembered. Like velvet.
.