- Chapter Two -

-
Each atom
Sing to me
-

The sun hadn't risen yet when Ace woke up the next morning, five thirty-two according to the blinking clock by the bed. The same persistent nightmares haunted his dreams, the same ones he had yearly. They were particularly bad around this time and were more than simple night terrors. He was a mess, both emotionally and physically. He felt even worse than he did before bed, something he didn't think would even be possible. Resigning himself to the fact that he wasn't going to get anymore sleep, he decided on taking a long shower. Wishing the hot water could somehow sooth his mangled nerves.

Garp called later that morning to let him know that he and Luffy would be arriving soon and to be at the hotel waiting. Ace almost laughed, there weren't many other places he could be anyways, but refrained from commenting. Antagonizing the old man was usually a terrible idea and a battle no one had ever win. He sighed after hanging up, deciding to clean up a bit and go on a quick jog to work off some of the tension building up inside.

His two family members arrived earlier than the agreed upon time, but Ace had assumed that was why Garp had called ahead.

"Ace!" Luffy attached himself to his brother the moment Ace opened the door to let them in. The older chuckled slightly.

"Luffy! Great to see ya, how've you been?" Ace asked with a grin, even forced, it was better than nothing. His younger brother was denser than a brick when it came to these things and wouldn't notice anyways.

"It's been great! And everyone says to say hi to you." Luffy followed up by launching into a detailed description of everything that had happened since Ace's last visit three weeks ago. He knew he should visit home more often, but school's been busy and he knew Luffy would have been fine even if he wasn't around as often these days.

They chatted the whole way up the mountain as Garp watched over them wordlessly. It's amazing the effect his younger brother had on him in times like these. The bus was nearly empty, as per usual and the ride could almost be described as tranquil. But he knew it wouldn't last.

As they entered the graveyard, the mood turned somber. The brothers were both quiet, each lost in their own thoughts. In front of Sabo's grave, Luffy could no longer keep his emotions in check as Ace and Garp laid out the new offerings. His grandfather had brought a feast with him, it was almost amazing he had managed to do so while travelling with Luffy. They lit their incense in turn, each murmuring silent prayers.

-
"Set me free
From chains of the physical"
-

"It wasn't your fault Ace." Garp had insisted year after year and as much as Ace wanted to believe him, he couldn't. They stood at the edge of the cliffs overlooking the ocean below. They had left Luffy in front of the grave alone so he could have some time to talk to Sabo alone.

"It doesn't matter how many times you say it. It's my fault and you know it just as well as I do!" Ace trembled as he spoke. It's all my fault…

"Ace, you have to let it go. You acting self destructive isn't going to bring him back." He didn't look at his grandson, instead, he stared into the distance.

"I know that! I know all of that crap, but I can't help the way I feel! I- I can't…" Ace was practically screaming at his grandfather. The pent up fear and anger threatening to spill out into the open. I don't know what I should do!

"Do you remember?" Garp looked into his eyes for the first time since they began this conversation, his tone softening. "Tell me. Do you still hate your father? Do you still hate yourself? Do you still think it have been better off if you were never born?"

"That has nothing to do with this!" He spat out each word as though they were poison on his tongue. He did not need to be remembering all of that when he was already feeling utterly miserable and fought to hold back his tears.

"Just answer me." The older man held his gaze without faltering.

"YES!" Ace screamed, tears trailing down his freckled face. He had felt each question like a physical blow to his body. Those were things he had interrogated himself with time and time again and yet, he never found an answer that satisfied himself. His thoughts were a cauldron of malice, hatred, and self-loathing.

Garp sighed, his whole demeanor softening. "When you were little, you said you were going to live your life without regrets so you wouldn't worry your mother."

"I know… but I can't help the way I feel!" He was openly crying now, pride be damned. "I can't help that some days I feel like everything would be better if I just threw myself off the fucking cliff!"

"Wake up! You're just using Sabo's death as an outlet for all that negativity of yours. The world doesn't revolve around you! Do you think you're the only one that's suffering? I know how Luffy is most of the time, but do you really think he's so oblivious that he doesn't notice the way you're acting!?" Garp snapped.

His grandfather's words seemed to have struck a cord and he stood there stunned.

"I wont ask that you open up to me, it's much too late for that, but you've got Luffy and plenty of friends. Don't bottle everything up inside, it'll only be a matter of time before something breaks." The old man wasn't used to having a heart to heart conversation with his more rebellious grandson, but knew what had to be said. "Don't put Luffy through what you're going through now."

Garp let his hand rest on his grandson's shoulder briefly before walking away and leaving him to sort through his feelings alone. Ace didn't go back to Sabo's grave, opting to sit by the railings as he had don't the first night and just wail. He didn't care how obnoxiously childish he was acting, it was like a dam had been broken and the tears refused to subside. Thankfully, it wasn't till much later that the other two came to find him again. The two brothers chatted for a bit on the way down to the lodging, but it was more of a one sided conversation Luffy carried on alone with brief replies from Ace. Garp and Luffy left after the three had dinner together.

-
O free me, O free me
-

Ace stood in front of the bathroom mirror, glaring vehemently at the reflection. He'd just had a long shower and the steam distorted his already skewed perception of himself. What he saw was no man, but a monster. A sinful, disgusting, monster. It amazed him that there were people that could bring themselves to befriend him, let alone love him. But he forced himself to look. Look deeper, you're not the monster you think you are. He repeated Garp's words like a mantra, trying to look past the hazy shadows that covered his twisted image.

It had been a long time since he last took anything his adoptive grandfather said to heart, the two had never really gotten along. He knew the old man was right, as per fucking usual, and he couldn't put Luffy through the hellhole he's living through. I'll get over this… It was more than just Sabo's death, it was about his hatred for the world rearing its ugly head and the self-loathing that accompanied it.

"What was it he said before…?" He asked his grotesque reflection. You're just using his death as an excuse.

-
The mirror melts
-

Ace felt sick to his stomach, but his reflection grinned manically. Wild eyed and crazed. He turned away gasping for breath, a sheen of cold sweat plastered over his body. He made his way to the toilet before he lost what little he had managed to gulp down for dinner on the floor. His head spun violently, the sickening reality had been staring him in the eyes the whole time. He forced his eyes shut and grasped desperately at what remained of his sanity. You're wrong Gramps… I am a monster.

-
I'm somewhere else
-

He dragged himself out of the bathroom, making sure to not so much as glimpse into the mirror hanging mockingly beside the door. He turned off the lights in the room, intending to go to sleep and forget, even for a moment, about this twisted world. Ha, even those nightmares would be preferable to this. He smiled grimly at the thought, he'd definitely be regretting that choice in the morning. Or whenever he woke up in a state of panic like all the other times. But as much as he tried, sleep eluded him. After tossing around miserably for two hours, he growled and got up again. The pitch-black world outside his window and the few lights from the small mountain town barely illuminated their immediate surroundings. It was soothing in a way, to see the world in the same blackened state he knew his heart to be.

Ironically, he did manage to fall asleep at some point. He picked himself up from the floor beside the window, the sun was high up already. As far as he could tell, he'd made it through the session without any scarring nightmares either. It didn't feel particularly like good luck to him. In some dark recess of his mind, he had hoped the nightmares would be able to take the bite out of the reality.

-
Inside eternity
-

A/N: …Sometimes, I wonder about how I view Ace too… I will just clarify here that Ace isn't hallucinating the whole monster thing. It's just how he sees himself, not what he's literally seeing. Like the whole we see only what we want to see. Next chapter will be super long so hopefully that'll make up for this chapter. And the mood will lighten up soon, I promise.