Chapter 11

Jane sat on her bed, shaking, head buried in her hands and elbows on her bent knees. She had moved from repeating the word 'fuck' until her throat was sore, to her current silent rocking back and forth -a futile attempt to try and stop the tremors. She had suffered from terrifyingly vivid dreams in the past -her nightmares about Hoyt haunted her for months, but this one won the World Series.

The dream had ended, but now it felt like a real memory. She could still feel the pressure of Maura's fingers on her back, the warmth of her mouth, the consuming need, and the overwhelming feeling of love emanating from Maura's eyes and from her own entire body. As time crawled by, the images and feelings from the dream mingled with real memories from real moments shared with Maura, like the embrace when she got off the rescue boat after the bridge jump, or the hug shared after she had saved her from Hoyt, and so many others.

She desperately needed the dream to vanish from her memory, but a part of her refused to let go. The feelings had been –still were- breathtakingly beautiful and intense, even if they were about Maura. The panic washed in again every time she remembered that. It made no sense. She had never, ever felt or thought about Maura like that, and it made no sense that she suddenly did now - or did it? The tinge of jealousy during her meeting with Julia rushed back, and her headache got worse.

It was clear she needed to get herself together stat. With all her training and experience as a homicide detective, she had to be able to find a way to analyze this situation with a clear head. First, she had to steady her breathing. With every breath, she focused on identifying one single emotion at a time. The first clear one was panic, mashed up against an overwhelming confusion. With her next breath came love; a love so intense that it made her dizzy, so overpowering like no other love she'd known before. One more deep breath and frustration screamed silently, making her nails dig into her fists. She kept trying, but only managed to bounce between those three or four, and the memories of the dream.

Eventually, the turbulence lost fuel and she held onto the peace she'd felt during the last embrace of the dream - it felt familiar, soothing, good.

She had just begun to relax when the alarm clock on her phone screamed at her. In one neat swoop, she grabbed it and threw it across the room; the noise died at the same time she heard a cracking noise. Groaning, she threw the covers off and stormed out of bed; shards of glass and plastic were scattered all over the floor. Her open hand swung towards the wall, but lost momentum a few inches short of it; the tiny wise part of her knew that the last thing she needed was a broken hand on top of it and a busted phone.

As she collected the pieces of plastic and glass, she heard Maura in her mind reciting her something from some study or other, telling her that the dream was a simple case of subconscious processing, a normal and healthy occurrence when faced with unknown circumstances and blah, blah.

That was it.

It had been just a stupid dream, produced by a stupid brain that couldn't process anything but a case. There was nothing wrong with Maura getting a girlfriend. Good for her. At least that woman wasn't a psycho or something. Simple. Nothing more. It just couldn't be anything more - not for her. It was Maura who had decided that she liked women, not she. Forget the jealousy, that's just plain stupid. Maybe she just needed to get laid too or whatever.

Jane kept repeating all that as a mantra, as the hot water worked on unknotting her back and neck.

.

.

Jane arrived at the BPD before 8:00 am and darted upstairs to the bullpen. Her mantra had worked so far, but now that she was at the station, the possibility of bumping into her sat in her stomach as one massive knot. She decided to avoid the Division One Café, just in case.

The bullpen was still quiet, almost empty. She turned her computer on, opened a browser and started looking for a phone in stock somewhere close by.

"You spend way too much time with Maura." Korsak's voice behind her made her literally jump on her chair. He sat at his desk, grinning at Jane's bewildered face. "Shopping online? That's a new one for you."

Jane exhaled. "My phone broke. Have you seen the price of these things?"

Korsak shrugged. "Get one like mine, they give it away for free."

"Korsak, that thing belongs to a museum. It only works because it feels in good company in its old age."

"It's not old. It's vintage. And it does its job."

Jane laughed and breathed more easily, firmly convinced that she was getting over the worse part.

After three hours, she had managed to get a new phone -the drive out of the BPD and out of town had helped a lot, despite the traffic, the endless wait and the rude shop attendant. There it was, a phone just like the flying one finally shining in her now calm hands. She was installing an app when she heard the distinctive click-clack of high heels. She held her breath, her mouth suddenly bone-dry.

"Hello, Jane." Maura stood next to her, her hands holding to each other, nails tracing fingertips.

Jane wiped her hands on her slacks. "Hey Maura." The awkward smile vanished when she saw how nervous Maura looked.

In fact, Maura looked almost like she felt, and that mortified her. I shouldn't have left like I did. Maybe I wouldn't have dreamt anything...

"Dropped my phone this morning. Had to get a new one." It sounded more like a request for truce and absolution than an explanation.

Maura raised her eyebrows. "And simple drop managed to break it?"

Yes, if you accidentally drop a phone at 40 miles per hour against a wall, phones tend to break.

"Go figure." Jane forced herself to look at Maura. Her make up was not smudged, she had not been crying, she had not kissed her. And yet, Jane couldn't stop trembling.

"Anyway", Maura looked at Korsak and got closer, lowering her voice. "About last night. I wanted to–"

"Last night?" Jane looked away, hiding her blush while furiously trying to remember something beyond the dream. Then she remembered her impromptu visit to Maura, crashing her date with Julia. She tried to remember what she would have said if Julia were a guy; she would have winked, and laughed it away.

"Oh, you mean…" Jane shook her head as if waving Maura comment away and forced a smile. "Yeah, sorry I interrupted. Next time, okay?"

She kept smiling, but not making eye contact. It was painfully obvious that she was lying through her teeth, and the tension hung between them like a sticky fog.

Maura blanched and recoiled. "Anyway, I have the results on the blade analysis. It's a match."

Jane's celebratory slap on the table wiped the last remnants of the dream and the fog, now firmly set in her brain and chest.

"Korsak, we have an arrest to make. Let's go." She grabbed her phone and stood up, turning in the process, with such bad luck that she ended up nose to nose with Maura, just like in the dream. The room darkened for a second, all blood rushing from her face.

Hands grabbed her and she saw again Maura's concerned face a couple of inches from her face.

"Don't worry, it's just postural hypotension - you got up too quickly. Sit down, slowly. There we go."

"Here's some water." Korsak handed her a plastic cup.

"Thanks, Vince. She's fine." Maura nodded at Korsak, and he retreated back to his desk.

Yup, I'm fine. I'm great. Jane couldn't feel more mortified if she tried. But that wasn't what really occupied her attention. Maura's hands were on her shoulder and rubbing her back, and they burned through her t-shirt -like they had on the dream-. She wondered when had Maura become so touchy-feely. It didn't take long to realize that she wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. There was nothing out of the ordinary in a hand-on-shoulder or a rub on her back, not even with the fingers gently pulling hair out of her face. Closing her eyes, it became clearer why the dream had been so realistic –apart from the kiss and stuff, that is: she had enough tactile data stored in her brain to fuel a lifetime of dreams.

Meanwhile, Maura's hand kept on rubbing her back.

This has to stop. Now.

"I'm fine, Maura. I'm won't to give birth to a genie, no matter how long and hard you rub." The quip fell out of her mouth followed by the start of a smirk.

Maura took her hand away, uncertain whether to laugh or not at the off-beat joke. When she saw Jane's dimples, she tilted her head and rolled her eyes.

But as she returned downstairs, a nagging feeling clenched her stomach. Jane had not gotten up fast enough as to cause a loss of blood to her head. With a gasp, she recognized the look in Jane's eyes when they were face to face: it was a look of panic.

It was the same panic she felt when she confused Julia with Jane after they had made love.

.

A/N: OK. Yes, I do have a thing for cliffhangers, but I have to cut the chapters at some point or other, no? ;)

So, Rizzles is born, but we have to hold our breath and pay attention to the details, because... Dorothy, this ain't Kansas :D

(and with that, the author signs off until tomorrow, and proceeds to hide again under desk. )