Chapter 13
The box with macaroons laid open on the couch, right between them. Maura reached out inside and picked a dark one, getting caught by Jane's amused look.
"I'm counting, you know…"
Maura dismissed the quip with a tiny smile. "Me too; this is my fourth macaron, but the first coffee flavored. So why are you not sleeping?" Maura dropped the question as if asking why Jane had chosen the blue shirt instead of the white one.
Even though Jane had been expecting the question since she saw Maura's eyes scanning her face as she walked in, it still startled her. She had rehearsed a couple of answers, and all bounced between lying, omission, and variations of the truth.
Maura's caring eyes disarmed her and she found herself blurting out the truth, even if it was the partial truth.
"Dreams. Very realistic and intense ones."
"Like with Hoyt?"
She shook her head. "They are not nightmares, they are just… intense. Feel like memories, I don't know. Stupid dreams, anyway." She buried her face in the coffee mug.
Maura wasn't keen on letting it go; Jane had only lost her sleep when faced with extreme situations in her life.
"So, when did this start?"
"I don't know… A few days ago? Why?"
The sweet aftertaste of the macaroons turned bitter when Maura realized the possible and likely correlation between her involvement with Julia and Jane's sleeplessness. She turned and folded her legs on the couch, her knee barely touching Jane's thigh.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" Maura knew she was skating on thin ice but, above all, Jane was her best friend.
"Help me with what? The technique of eating a dozen macaroons without getting your face and the couch full of cookie?"
Maura tilted her head. "Jane…"
"I'm serious. What do you want to help me with? I don't need help, Maura." Jane instantly regretted the edge of her words. "I'm fine, don't worry."
Something was still bothering Jane, and the lack of sleep was just another symptom. Even if she would not be able to get Jane to process anything, something had to be done, decided Maura.
"Jane, let's speak frankly. You did not take well my... the recent developments with Julia, and I really want you to know that nothing has changed between us."
"Oh. Is that why you prepared this fancy dinner? To reassure me? Why do you even need to do that? Come on, Maura."
Maura lowered her eyes, facing an unpleasant gust of guilt. "It's not like that, Jane. I made this dinner because I wanted to cheer you up, and to show you how I feel."
How she feels? A flash of her dream burned Jane's face and she zoomed in on her wringing hands.
"Jane, are your dreams connected in any way to Julia and I?"
Jane pressed her lips, helpless.
"Jane, look at me."
Jane obliged, slowly, until their eyes met. Maura's eyes probed her deep and she couldn't take it. Her eyes cowered, bumping with Maura's lips on their way down. She lost her breath; Maura's lips were more than a foot away, but she actually imagined them exactly like she had tasted them in her dream -warm, soft, hungry, adoring. She retreated and searched real-Maura's eyes. A silent gasp left her lips when she saw the intense mixture of emotions in them. It was some of what she had felt in the dream, but mashed up against deep confusion. Soon it became too much to bear. Breaking eye contact, her eyes found refuge in the grey fabric of her slacks.
Silence grew thick; she wouldn't dare to look back at Maura, and Maura kept completely still and silent. After a while, as she was considering her options out of this and fresh out of witty remarks, she heard Maura's voice. It was small, almost as if she were out of breath.
"What did you dream about, Jane?"
"Oh, I'm sure you know all the theories about dreams to even dare telling you anything. And they were stupid dreams, nothing more, anyway."
Science rescued Maura from her dazed state.
"Actually, I do find the subject quite intriguing, despite the lack of solid studies. There is a theory that says that dreams are nothing but a meaningless by-product of an increased neuronal activity occurring during our REM sleep, in which case you may be right in calling them "stupid dreams". But there is another theory, to which I subscribe, that proposes that dreams are the mechanism our brains have to incorporate memories, solve problems and deal with emotions. In your case, this theory seems quite relevant."
Jane laughed silently, shaking her head.
Maura frowned. "Why are you laughing?"
"Because I heard you saying stuff like that in my head, while I was trying to make myself fall asleep again."
"So, according to you, that would make me… what did you call it? Oh, yes. A predictable ass."
The sound of her own laughter felt inappropriate, but Jane couldn't help herself. As it died, Jane dared looking at Maura. "No, Maur. That would make you a predicable genius."
"I can't be a genius if nothing I say makes you sleep or feel better."
"I'm fine, Maura." The lie choked Jane. "Okay. I will be fine. I just need to… stay awake until I'm so tired to even dream."
I just need to get over this.
Jane remembered the name of that technique Maura had tried once on her, to get her to forget Hoyt. It had worked somewhat; at least, she had managed to sleep 6 hours without waking up sweating from one of those horrid nightmares. She had called it something like inversion therapy something or other. No. Immersion therapy, that's it. Maura had made her lie on her bed, candles on every horizontal surface close by. Are you trying to burn my nightmares to hell with all those candles? She loved how Maura could just ignore her when she behaved like a child with ADT - or mostly ignore her, rather; the tiny flicker of her eyebrows or shoulders was so adorable, and she lived for getting reactions like that out of her. Come on, Jane, focus. You need to relax in a comfortable position, and then, slowly, you start facing your fears; an image, a sound, a memory, and finally, when you are ready, the actual object or situation causing it. She remembered Maura rolling her eyes when she kept pulling faces as she was trying her to follow her instructions.
OK. Get comfie, breathe, chill, ask.
"Tell me about it." Jane blurted, shifting on the couch, instantly realizing she was doing it all wrong.
"About what?"
"About what happened with Julia."
Maura shifted in her seat, unable to look at Jane. "Why? It seems to upset you too much."
"And you are the one who always tells me that I need to face things and process stuff? You even tried that immersion therapy on me. It worked... a bit."
"That is true. But we both know you have your own ways and times to deal with things."
Maura flickered her eyebrows, shifting one shoulder, and giving her a tiny hint of a smile.
The gesture broke Jane down.
"Fine. Okay. I don't like that my best friend has found someone who makes her happy and I'm acting like a homophobic or I don't know what idiot. I don't like I'm losing sleep about something I shouldn't, it's so stupid."
"Is it stupid that I like Julia?"
"Oh god, Maura, not that." The dreams about us are. "I'm acting stupid."
"Jane, you are anything but that. And please, stop using that word."
"Yeah. Anyway. Are you going to tell me or what?"
Maura inhaled deeply, held her breath and exhaled slowly –counting, actually. "What do you want to know?"
"Did you really sleep with her?"
"Do you mean to ask if I had sex with her?" A fierce awkwardness gripped Maura, and not just because of Jane's wince. "I thought that you already knew that. So what is it that you really want to know?"
"I don't know if I want to know anything."
To judge by Jane's expression, Maura realized that Jane had been somewhat more transparent with her thoughts than intended.
"It's sex, Jane. That's what you do when you really like someone."
"She's a woman, Maura."
"It's still sex, Jane."
"That's it?"
"I don't know what you expect me to say."
"Hell, I don't know. You really didn't notice the difference?"
Maura stomach dropped. She did notice the difference, when her eyes traced Julia's hands resting on her breasts and found no scars.
Jane's raised eyebrows and piercing eyes her made her snap out of that one particular memory.
She sighed with relief. "Oh. You mean that I didn't notice that she didn't have a penis?"
Jane groaned. "Can you be any more explicit?"
"I could, but I don't think you'd like it. But yes, I did notice, and I did not miss it. But this is not about sex, Jane. I really enjoy being with her." Even though I keep confusing her with you.
Maura saw how she was losing Jane to the dark clouds over her eyes, and spoke without even thinking about it. "But Jane, it doesn't change anything. I'm not any different than I was, and none of my prior relationships affected you or our friendship, so I see no reason why it should be any different this time." Maura felt confident that this was it. That it had to be it. She nearly convinced herself.
Before she could even think, Jane found herself blurting out words, not knowing where they were coming from. "Not true. She can give you all I do but better and more; she's more travelled, more elegant, more… like you. It's like a BFF that doesn't mock you and she... she... you and her..." Jane wiggled her finger side to side, then closed her hand into a fist, a wave of anger searing words and her face.
What the hell was that? Jane got up, furious with herself.
Maura gaped at Jane's unexpected confession. "Where are you going?"
Jane groaned. "To get a gagging order against myself."
She reached the kitchen island, filled a glass with the left over wine and downed before leaning on the cold, grey counter top, head in hands and stood frozen with a hazy stupor. After a few moments she heard the click-clack of Maura's heels approaching and her heart took off as the Dream danced furiously under her closed eyelids.
She braced for impact.
Maura didn't touch her, but Jane could feel her close, really close. She could even feel her stare boring through her hands.
Eventually, the sticky, leaden silence was broken by Maura's soft whisper.
"Jane, look at me."
Silence.
"Please?" The strain in Maura's voice made Jane think she was about to cry. And that thought brought back Maura's smudged make up and her kiss and the heat and everything became a blur.
"Jane, don't do this."
The different words and the lack of physical contact brought Jane to Maura's apartment. She dropped her hands slowly, not quite braving eye contact yet.
"How can you say something like that? Is that what this is all about?"
"Forget it, Maur. I really don't want to talk about it. I should go now, I'm too tired to even think."
"I don't want you to go like this."
"I don't even know why I said what I said. Please forget it. I'm just tired, had a couple of exhausting dreams, I'm fine." Still avoiding Maura's eyes, Jane turned to get her jacket and keys. That's when the contact came; a strong hand in her elbow stopped her with determination. It stayed there for a moment, then guided her to turn around.
The hug was so familiar in its sheer intensity.
So beautiful, so fragile, so strong…
She let herself fall into those arms, ashamed, confused, forgiven, safe.
"Oh, Jane." The whisper was followed by a gentle caress on her back. Jane fought to forget the Dream and her throbbing body and buzzing mind and focus on the caress, a simple gesture that meant nothing more than her best friend absolving her. Her struggle waned as she realized how aware she was of Maura's body. She felt every detail of Maura's face buried in her shoulder, over her hair. She felt her firm breasts pressing against her rib cage, just below her own, and her body throbbing in reaction to them.
Dream and Reality fused together with a force that left her aghast.
"I need to go, Maur."
Maura's arms held her firmly. "Please, don't go."
Those words, so warm and close and full of emotion, nearly made her resolve fade, but Jane broke off the embrace, needing to go out, get fresh air, and sleep until the world stopped turning.
"I'm sorry, Maur. I really am. Please don't be mad at me. I'll call you tomorrow, I promise. Thanks for the wonderful dinner, I mean it."
Maura nodded, her sadness overshadowed by a thousand doubts, fears, conflicting emotions and a tingling so intense like she had not felt before, but still could easily recognize.
.
A/N: Okay, okay. Yes. A.N.G.S.T. But as in "All Nice Good Stuff Tomorrow".
Oh, tomorrow's chapter is 14... OMG. Shouldn't say that but... okay, see you tomorrow same time. ;D