Chapter 15 - Saturday afternoon
Maura sat on her couch, silent and still, hands trembling folded over her lap. It felt like a twisted déjà vu from the morning, except this time she was not emerging back from a panic attack, she was at home, and the one making her something to drink was Jane.
This time, she wasn't recovering from a panic attack. She was simply beaten by the fact that she stood no chance against Jane's detective skills; she would get a confession out of her, before or after the hives. She had had almost a whole day at the café to make peace with the fact that Jane was going to find out, but that didn't make it better.
Jane had reacted quite badly, to the point of losing sleep, to her liaison with Julia. Her question -comment- about noticing the lack of male apparatus in Julia had made it quite clear her dislike of the idea of being with a woman. No matter how kind, attentive, worried, loving Jane was behaving now, there was no way of knowing how she would face the real truth. The mere thought of losing Jane, or ruining their friendship, after the confession broke her all over again, even if the same thought had played in a loop for hours at the beachfront café.
A hot mug of coffee appeared in her line of vision. Jane gingerly transferred it into her hands and sat next to her. Maura saw her fingers idly rubbing her scars; she knew it was killing Jane to refrain herself from talking or asking questions. It was odd to think that, were the roles reversed, the exact same thing would happen.
Jane saw the small glance Maura threw her way and seized the opportunity.
"Okay, I know you're still upset with me, but… you were right. I was so busy worrying about our friendship changing, and Julia taking my place, and all that...stuff, and my brain just went all... anyway. I can't bear to see you like this, Maur, especially if it's my fault. I swear I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing wrong. Please don't be sad?"
As Jane went silent, tears pushed out and rolled down Maura's face.
"What? What did I say? Why are you crying? Please don't cry!" Jane's hands hovered over Maura, uncertain, and then landed gently on Maura's knee.
"Maura?"
Jane's eyes shot wide open, jolted, as she saw Maura looking at her lips briefly before falling in her arms. Her sobs shook their shoulders, and Jane's heart thudded like a rolling drum. After a while, the crying was reduced to a few sniffles. Jane looked around for a Kleenex but there was none.
"Wait here a sec, Maur. Just one sec. I'm going to get you something for your…" Jane pointed at Maura's face. When she returned, Maura was hugging herself, her head down with one hand covering her face, but she wasn't crying anymore.
"Here." Jane left the Kleenex box on Maura's lap and held it until Maura took one out.
She bit her lips, still hearing her chest being hammered with soft but unrelenting thuds.
Maura left the spent Kleenex on her lap and spoke wearily.
"She left me."
It was the truth. It was a proverbial bone thrown in desperation, not really believing it was going to appease Jane.
Jane's jaw dropped. When Jack left Maura, she had been down and sad, but had not shed a tear -at least not in front of her. It dawned on her that she had completely underestimated Maura's attachment to the ADA after barely one or two weeks. Then she wondered whether her reaction was related to discovering being a lesbian only to be dumped days later. In any case, she felt even more guilt than before for being such an insensitive ass.
"Why? What happened? Were you too… straight for her?"
Maura was surprised that Jane wanted to talk about Julia, about them. Maybe she was now really okay with it. She was such a good friend.
"No." She took a Klennex to her eyes, just to hold back the urge of crying again.
"No? So what happened?"
"Please don't ask me that, Jane?"
"Why not?"
Maura took a deep breath as she closed her eyes, then begun to gently bite the tip of her fingers.
"Maura? Why can't I ask you what happened?"
"Because I'll have to answer with the truth."
"Come on, it can't be that bad... Remember, you once said: "Jane Rizzoli is strong enough to handle it", right?"
Maura snorted softly at Jane's imitation of her. A jaded hint of a smile fainted as it appeared.
"We were in bed and I said something that really upset her."
"Okay, maybe I shouldn't have asked."
Maura sighed relieved.
"…but I still want to know?"
"The detective in you wants to know. You don't."
"I do! Look at you, of course I want to know... unless it involves some kinky stuff, then I really don't want to know."
Maura looked at Jane, and it was Dream Maura again, now in all her glory: red-rimmed eyes, smudged eyeliner, and an intense, very intense stare. Jane froze, just like she had in the dream, everything rushing back at once.
"Julia knew from the start, and all along but she chose not to see it. I can't believe that I didn't see it. Now it looks obvious; I can see it too and I'm scared, Jane. I'm so scared..."
Dream-Maura-in-the-flesh broke contact for a second as she flickered her eyes down to Jane's lips and back again. Jane felt her hands started to tremble, the room dissolving around the renewed stare.
"Maura, I'm not... following you, what-" Jane's hesitant, throaty voice barely made it out.
Maura inhaled and let the words out in one burst. "I made a mistake. I hurt Julia, and I think –I know- I am about to hurt you too."
Jane sucked air in and held her breath, steading herself on the backrest.
Maura's eyes filled with tears again and she looked away. The sudden release of that intense gaze made Jane lose her bearings. After a moment, she realized Maura was crying again. She reached out and held Maura's hands.
"I'm here, Maur, and nothing you say can hurt me."
Maura nodded, exhaling a quiet sob. Then, as she applied the 4-7-8 breathing technique she had once unsuccessfully tried to teach Jane, her face became more relaxed. She let out a resigned sigh.
"Yes, I can, Jane. And I will, and I'm so sorry. But all right, you know I can't lie to you." Her eyes sought Jane's, begging, repentant, resigned. Then she looked back at the Kleenex in her hand. "I don't want to lie to you. So, this morning, for just a moment, at possibly the worst of times, I thought she was you, Jane. For the second time, I confused her with you. And now I know that I wanted her to be you."
"It can't be."
Maura barely caught Jane's whisper, and turned to Jane. "I know, Jane, and I'm so very sorry. That's why I told you I'd be hurting you but-"
Jane shook her head and said "No", but no sound came out this time. Her mouth was so dry that she could barely swallow. She sat forward with legs apart, elbows resting on knees and face buried in her hands.
"I'm sorry, Jane. I'm so sorry. But this doesn't have to change anything, I promise. Please..."
"Dream." Jane's words only made it out as a mumble.
Maura frowned.
"What?"
"Dreamt this. My dream. First one." Jane groaned against her hands.
Maura sat up, and tilted forward her head trying to catch Jane's eyes.
"Jane? What are you trying to say?"
Maura eventually reached out and gently pried Jane's hands away from her face, hope bouncing off dread.
Jane's eyes slowly moved up until Maura's face came into the field of vision.
"Jane?"
But Jane couldn't face Maura. She could not face her after having –almost- convinced herself that it had all been just a consequence of her insecurities, and psycho-whatever background processing, and...
"Fuck." Jane's eyes sought Maura's and begged. "Oh, sorry Maur, I meant… crap." Jane's shoulders drooped.
And just like that, out of the blue, Maura let out a clear laugh. It was Jane's turn to be stunned.
"Oh, Jane, I'm sorry. I- I guess I'm just too nervous but… that recovery was quite inelegant, even for you."
Jane shook her head, staring at Maura's oddest of reactions. "Okay… this is not like the dream and you are weird."
Fueled by hope, the words found an easy path out of Maura's lips. "What happened in that dream, Jane?"
Maura's laugh had managed to break the suffocating intensity, but it also leveled the way for the unavoidable truth. Jane shrugged in surrender. Her voice stretched out of her like a worn out rubber band.
"It was late, middle of the night. You came home, crying, like…" Jane's finger pointed at Maura and wiggled, as if painting the dream over her. "You said that you had made a mistake, that you were confused. That it wasn't about Julia, that it had always been about me and..."
Maura stared at Jane, barely breathing, hearing just the extreme effort of the atrial and ventricular valves in her chest.
"And?"
Jane scratched her head again, seeing and feeling every single detail that came after that. Her blush was so intense that her ears burnt.
"And you… Oh god." Jane groaned. "You... kissed me." She closed her eyes, bracing for... She didn't know what to brace for, but something huge had to happen.
"I did?"
"Oh, yes."
Maura felt an earthquake coursing right through her. She looked away, trying to figure out what to think, feel, do but she soon realized this was not something she could work out alone. She turned back to Jane, who was now rubbing her forehead, fingers white from the pressure exerted.
When nothing happened, Jane dared to look at Maura. They stared at each other, as if they were lifelong pen pals meeting face to face for the first time.
Eventually, Jane's eyes hinted a strange smile that Maura could not decode, drowning as she was in her own carnival of overcoming feelings.
Maura closed her eyes, bracing herself for the inevitable rejection, hoping for at least a promise of friendship-no-matter-what. Jane saw the profound sadness contained in those tight lips and eyes, and it dawned on her that Maura had not really understood. Jane couldn't blame her; she couldn't comprehend any of it. But something was clear: beyond the panic and the confusion, she felt a tenderness beyond words, and the imperative need to reach out and feel Maura close, as close as she could.
Her hand reached out and landed on Maura's shoulder. She felt the muscles tensing under the fingertips.
"Maura…"
"I know, Jane, you don't have to say it. It's okay, I'll be fine."
Completely terrified and uncertain of the road ahead, Jane reached out and gently guided Maura's face towards her.
"Maura, it's not like that. The dream… I liked it." The words came out in a broken murmur. She swallowed and pressed her lips as her eyes ventured down Maura's face, until she reached the parted lips. They looked suddenly so close...
"But Jane, you're not… you don't…"
"Hm. Look who's talking..." Jane's whisper rode on the soft glint of her eyes.
"But…" Maura's words evaporated as she saw Jane's eyes tentatively caress every detail of her face, with a look not far from awe. She followed them as they reached her lips, anticipation sending shivers and a wave of heat to every pore. She closed her eyes and waited holding her breath.
Instead of the kiss she was expecting, needing, dreading, she felt Jane's timid fingertips land on her cheek and slide down, slowing down when they reached the corner of her mouth. They moved on, finally leaving her skin as they reached her chin. The disappointment drowned her, only to give way to a wave of fear.
"Maura?"
Maura was unable to speak, her body clenched by fear and a new conscious desire that had tasted a sliver of freedom, and was now relentlessly pushing out.
"Maur, are you okay? Please look at me?"
Maura eyes opened, unable to hide any longer.
"How can this be, Maur? What does it mean?" The tone made it sound like a rhetoric question.
Maura was not as interested in finding an answer to those questions, but rather, she needed to now what was going to happen. The memory of Julia's story about her straight lover thundered in her head like an philharmonic orchestra.
"Are you afraid?" Jane left out the word "also", but her eyes said it for her.
Deep lines crossed Maura's brow. Instead of answering, she told Jane the story about Julia's straight girlfriend.
When she finished, Jane blew out the breath she didn't know she had been holding.
A friendship had died because they had pushed it to a level that wasn't shared, despite all the initial signs. The mere thought of losing Maura made Jane feel more afraid she had ever been of Hoyt, but before she could get sucked into that thought, she saw a harrowing fear and sadness in the familiar hazel eyes.
"It's her story, Maur, not ours."
"I know, but-"
"We are stronger than that, Maur. I don't know what this means, or what is going to happen, but no matter what…" Jane's heart expanded, drowning meaningless words. She reached out and enveloped Maura in a hug that told her all that she couldn't; a hug that felt exactly like the one in her first dream. She felt her body relax into Maura's warmth, under her delicately strong and trembling hands.
The yawn came so unexpectedly and with so much force that Jane had no time to stop it.
Maura broke the embrace and leaned back, her hands over Jane's shoulders. They looked at each other, eyes wide and incredulous.
Their simultaneous laughter rang sweet like the first breath of spring.
They both knew that winter was not over, but -for now-, this was good enough.
.
A/N: ... :) ?