Chapter 19 - Sunday afternoon

Jane tripped over herself to get dressed and rushed downstairs. She found Maura sitting on one of the high chairs in the kitchen, leaning on one elbow as her hand rubbed her forehead.

"Hey." Jane felt her voice trembling. The dream had sucked any overthinking out of her, dumping it in front of her like a sad bag of pity, leaving her body light, breezy, defenceless. For the first time since the whole thing had started, she did not feel afraid. She was still really confused and amazed by how everything had turned out, but Maura looked far worse than she did.

"You brought lunch!" She knew she was hungry, but food was the last thing on her mind. She just had the urge to shake Maura out of that bad space she seemed to be in.

"I told you I would." A thin, weary but soft smile cropped up Maura's face, warming it up.

Jane nodded and ventured closer, keeping her eyes on the take-away bag.

"Is it yummy pasta from Ricchie's?"

"It is. Pappardelle."

"Yay! But... I didn't have coffee yet. Can I have coffee with my pasta?"

"You woke up now?"

"Can you believe it? I managed to hold off the dreams until the end." Jane nodded proud of herself, her lips tight and curved up, her eyes shining.

Maura frowned. "Did you dream again?"

Jane sat next to Maura, mimicking her elbows-on-island, hands laced position.

"Yup. Hoyt, Frost, Ma, you, the ADA, the works. I only missed the Red Sox."

Maura couldn't help but laughing, although the names popping up on Jane's brain troubled her deeply.

"Was it a bad dream?"

"It was… bizarre. Like really, really bizarre." Jane cast her eyes down and smiled. "But it was…" She shook her head slowly. "It was like a sign." She shrugged, her eyebrows raising above her nose, smiling with her eyes.

Maura's heart did a summersault and settled somewhere in her throat. Asking Jane to tell her dream would precipitate a conversation she was not quite ready to have, so she kept quiet, focusing on steadying her pulse.

When Jane realized that Maura was not going to ask her anything, she decided to ignore both the pang of disappointment and the relief, and moved on.

"What's that?" She pointed with her index finger at David's bag.

Maura's face lightened up, her lips curving up. "Oh, that's fresh organic vegetables that one of my lab assistants grew. He had a very interesting story, but the pasta is getting cold. Would you like me to make you a cup of coffee?"

Jane shook her head. "Nah, I'll do it. You do the pasta. I'm starving."

"I insist. I really would like to avoid my kitchen ending up full of coffee, because you forgot to tighten the portafilter. Again."

Jane pulled a face at Maura and set the table while Maura made coffee and opened a bottle of wine. Suddenly, as she was setting the fork next to the plates, Jane saw them as if she was standing on the other side of the room; they were working in silence, coordinated, so tuned with each other. Like a married couple… They already had it all, except that -that being sex. Now, even that had left dreamland to make her body so aware, so ready, defying everything she had always believed.

She looked at Maura, and saw not her friend, but a beautiful woman, so fragile, so strong… A woman that had grown in her until she forgot what it was like not to have her in her life, and never questioning why or what it meant. Until now.

Jane could not imagine not having her, all the time, like this; and now she could imagine even more -much more than this… Her body was humming low, as if all the wires had been stripped naked, but this wasn't about sex, about flipping or whatever, she realized; it was as if it simply explained why nobody had ever stuck in her life, except Maura. It explained why -no matter what- they kept coming back to each other.

It was as if the A.D.A. woman had drawn a new frontier in their path, and now they found themselves staring beyond the border, realizing that the world wasn't flat. It was shocking, but also amazing, to discover that whatever lay ahead maybe wasn't as daunting, impossible or shocking as she could have imagined.

Jane left the Parmesan cheese on the counter and sat on the chair next to Maura, dimples showing, thrilled to feel such peace -even when she knew her life would very soon change irrevocably. Because something had to happen -whatever that was- sooner or later, when they finally found they had no choice but to face things, together.

She took a good, long sip of her coffee, and felt all the goodness of the world in her. The goodness disappeared fast as she ate the first spoonful of food. The mixture of pasta and coffee was disgusting. She turned to joke with Maura, and the joke was forgotten as she saw deep lines crossing her forehead. Even though Maura was clearly trying to look relaxed, the hand holding the fork was visibly trembling, and Jane bit her lip. She had gone so far inside her own feelings that had forgotten that Maura may be in a complete different space to her. The thought crashed her.

Not knowing how to reach out, she chose the only path she could.

"So, what about this farmer lab assistant?"

The sudden, odd question after a rather long moment of silence made Maura snap out of her thoughts. She sighed and smiled, earnestly this time.

"He's so nice. I was really… touched by his story."

Jane expected Maura to say more, but she didn't. She just lowered her eyes, deep in thought again -although not troubled as before. Jane saw Maura's tongue tracing her tight lips in slow motion, as her mind drifted somewhere far deep inside. Free from her own head, safe in her newfound peace, she felt that little gesture deep down, right between her thighs. It almost hurt. She could feel the heat spreading upwards, leaving her breathless, but it was so strong, so intoxicating that she could not even think of fight it. The trembling in her sweaty hands was so noticeable that she left fork and spoon and tucked her hands under her legs.

They sat in silence for what it felt like an eternity. Jane, still hiding her trembling hands under her trembling legs and her thoughts from showing in her face, was amazed at the strength of her physical reaction -something that she had never really experienced before, not like this.

Maura's eyes were still lost in a thousand thoughts, idly moving the untouched food in her plate with the fork, but extremely aware of Jane next to her. She could almost feel the heat emanating from her body, and it clashed against her own overwhelming feelings and the tornado of jumbled thoughts.

Jane could feel the tension between them pushing them apart and together at the same time. She couldn't breathe; she needed to find Maura's eyes and see if there was anything in them to hold on to. She turned her head just in time to see the first glimmer of a tear running down Maura's face.

Maur…

The word never made it out. Jane tried to unstick her tongue from the roof of her mouth, and forced her throat to swallow. All she could see was that lovely face clenched in a clear effort to stop whatever it was she was feeling, but not succeeding.

Another tear surfaced and rolled down Maura's cheek.

"Maura..."

Maura shook her head, almost imperceptibly. But Jane was staring at Maura as if she were the only thing in the entire universe, so even a hint of a twitch in her face felt like an earthquake.

Her trembling hand got cold as it left the safety of chair and leg. The contact of fingertip with cheek was slight, but Maura shrank away from it -just a tiny fraction of an inch. Jane tried to withdraw, but her hand, still shaking, stood its ground and tried again, this time daring to offer itself whole. Jane gasped silently as she felt Maura's warm cheek against her hand. Her thumb finally found tears, and dissolved them with a gentle caress -so light that if they wouldn't have noticed it if contact had not burned.

Maura shut her eyes tight, her frown deepening, and let her face fall ever so slowly until it was resting on that warm open hand. Jane felt her entire body filled with Maura's hot skin; no embrace could have made her feel as close to her as she did now, and yet, she needed more. She needed to soothe Maura, but also needed to quench this unknown thirst that almost blinded her.

She got more, when Maura caressed her hand with her cheek, turning ever so slowly, her lips tracing a burning path along her thumb, and coming to a rest pressing a kiss on it. Jane froze, her brow tight, her lips parted, not even aware of her very audible gasp. She wished she would stop trembling, but the pressure inside was spreading inexorably to every inch of her body. Her other hand rushed in to Maura's face, cupping it, realizing that the trembling was not just hers. Maura's lips still pressed onto her thumb. Her breath burnt it, and that heat rushed up her arm, raising goosebumps along the way. Not even trying, she guided Maura's face towards her.

Maura raised her eyes -no tears in them now, only fully dilated pupils engulfing the golden brown- and met Jane's. Jane lost herself in a world of hazel flickered with yellow and light brown so painfully beautiful. As the distance between them disappeared, helpless against a simple law of physics, they held onto each other's eyes for dear life as they jumped with no harness.

(They still, after all this time, argue about who made the first move.)

Jane could feel Maura's breath on her lips. It came ragged, in short bursts. The intensity shone so bright that they had to close their eyes and follow the rest of the way blind, but trusting the homing beacon.

The contact of lips was light. Too shy, but it was perfect. It was finally letting go what Jane didn't know she was holding on to, screaming yes, the perfect pop of wood hitting a home run.

Home.

Not one of Jane's dreams had come even close to warn her what she would find in this shy meeting of lips. Nothing could have ever prepared to feel this close to someone. It wasn't just a kiss. It was discovering where she had always wanted to be without knowing it.

It didn't stay shy, though. The contact broke briefly, only to come back now with the all the force and gentleness and want that had been brewing deep down and begging to burst out.

When the kiss ended, struggling for air and terrified at the speed and intensity that they were falling, they sat with their foreheads touching; waiting, listening, wanting… Jane waited to wake up any moment now, and find herself sweating in her bed, terrified of the intensity of her feelings and reactions, but nothing happened.

No fear. No confusion.

Just the cold of not having those lips against her.

With that thought, Jane closed her eyes again and fell forward, trapping Maura's lower lip with hers.

Maura moaned against her lips.

Desperate to hear that sound again, Jane stood up, not breaking the kiss. Her hands left Maura's face and slid to her back, helping her up and closer to her. When their bodies finally touched, the embrace she had dreamt came to life with thundering force.

Jane left Maura's lips and buried her face in the crook of her neck, sensing the faint and familiar smell of the morgue drowned under her perfume, her shampoo. She would recognize Maura by that combination of scents even if in the middle of a crowd.

Maura's head moved slightly and Jane felt lips caressing her neck, raising a storm of goosebumps all over her body. Shivering, she drew Maura even closer as her shaking hands traced her back, her shoulders, her arms, her neck, her hair as if defining a new profile for someone she thought she knew.

They stood like that, gently rocking back and forth, letting their bodies get familiar with every curve, every hollow, every muscle and inch of naked skin they could find.

They stood like that, locked in a tiny, yet huge world that made more sense than anything they had ever experienced before.

An eternity passed before Jane found the strength to move; Maura had been too quiet, holding on too hard, the trembling was too strong. Her eyes demanded to see, to reconfirm, to ask. Brown met hazel and found a whirlwind of emotions too intense to even understand, pooled in a tear that finally stumbled and fell.

"You are crying." It was meant to be a question, but it left Jane's lips riding a freezing wave of anguish.

Maura's lips quivered, her eyes begging.

Jane drew her close again.

"Come here."

She embraced Maura with her entire body. From the confessionary in her neck, the words came out without warning or permission, daring through strands of soft hair.

"I love you, Maur..."

A sob burst soundless through Maura's shaking shoulders and sinking chest, her arms winding tighter around Jane.

Jane tilted her head back until she could find and hold Maura's eyes.

"I'm not afraid anymore." Jane nodded, shrugged imperceptibly.

"But I am, Jane. I am so afraid..." Maura's voice faltered and her lips trembled, and she bit them.

Jane held her breath, dizzy with the first slash of fear and the pain to see Maura's struggle.

"I'm here. Always."

"Oh, Jane…" Maura sighed the whisper, her voice low and hungry, tinged with a rough desperation. Raw desire took control, bursting inside a still amazed Jane. Maura's lips reached hers again, now firm, bold, unrestrained and Jane's legs gave way with the unexpected touch of the tip of Maura's tongue. Her head swam, and gave up control -whatever little she had to start off with. Her hands fumbled to trace Maura's body, holding as close as she could. They fell down, stumbling on the valley that preceded Maura's backside. It felt a lot firmer than she had always suspected, and it felt so amazing to hold, to trace.

Maura moaned again against her lips, and Jane tightened her grip. Her leg moved forward, trying to erase the last fraction of space between them, and found itself trapped between Maura's thighs. The heat burned Jane, making her insides cramp with the desire. She felt the hot air of Maura's gasp against her lips, just before they left her.

"Jane..."

Jane froze. Her name had not been spoken with desire. It was a stop sign, red, round, hard.

She pulled away, panting, torn, lost.

They stood almost lip to lip, their ragged breaths creating a whirlwind in the tiny space between them. Maura shut her eyes tight, her forehead tight, trying to stop the vertigo.

"Are you okay?" Jane couldn't bear to hear the answer. She had made her stop.

Maura felt Jane's low, hoarse voice deep inside her own chest, crushing for a second the panic of losing control completely, feeling so close to letting go the frail safety rope she had been holding onto all her life. She looked as deep as she could into Jane's eyes; they were begging, confused, lost but she still couldn't see fear in them. Worry yes, but not the all consuming fear burning inside of her. Above all, those amazing dark eyes were embracing her more than the arms were. For the first time in her life, there was something she wanted to hang on to for as long as she lived, with all her being, without any barriers. The realization made her fears resurface with vengeance.

She knew the answer to Jane's question more clearly than she had known anything before: she was not "okay", that was not it.

She felt blissful, elated, and overwhelmed by desire, but she also felt terrified. Jane's reaction -this that was happening to them- had not been what she had expected at all. She had not dared to even dream about it. She felt like crying again with happiness, but it had all been so sudden, so intense that fear was the only thing to keep her from getting completely lost. Those brown eyes were true, as open as she had never imagine to see Jane. She believed Jane when she said she wasn't afraid, and also believed that Jane was strong enough to deal with anything.

But she wasn't Jane.

The long shadow of an empty, now meaningless, past and the ghost of a unknown future made her shudder.

She knew she couldn't talk, process, explain. Now was not the time. Her body was shaking uncontrollably with desire and a feeling so strong she couldn't understand.

"Just hold me, Jane."

Jane did, with all the love she could muster.

.

A/N: Aaaand there we go... Rizzles! :)