True Lies

Here I was. The epicenter of teenage wasteland. The Endsville Mall. And to top that off, I was in the restroom as, apparently, Sarah and the Jennifers felt the need to change outfits, and change me as well. BJ brought clothes from her "closet," but considering that everything still had tags on it, I can only assume she went on a shoplifting binge at 579. I looked them all over, to see why they couldn't have just worn school clothes. And then I realized: for all of BJ's "five finger budgeting," the others had also stolen from older sisters and mothers. I doubted that those leather pants belonged to Sarah, nor was the brown paisley spaghetti-strapped dress Jacey had on really from her closet. She had worn a white lacy tank top underneath, making it look like a jumper. Sarah was wearing a black tie dye patterned t-shirt. I didn't get why they couldn't have left their houses in these outfits. I supposed leather pants were a little much for a seventh grader, but otherwise they didn't look like high schoolers, which was what they were aiming for. And then BJ exited a bathroom stall in the most ridiculous outfit I had ever seen: an all-purple gingham set. A bucket hat, a blazer, a bra top and a miniskirt. She looked like the hooker version of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

"Okay, Mandy," BJ said. "Are you ready to get fabulous?"

I raised my eyebrows. "If that's how you define fabulous, no."

Sarah shot me a look. "Well, we can't be seen with you dressed like that," she snapped.

I looked down at my own outfit: a blue plaid jumper and a white hooded sweatshirt. It seemed inoffensive enough. "What's the damage," I asked, peeved.

"You look like an extra from Full House," Sarah said. "And we're trying for Melrose Place. You totally clash."

I rolled my eyes. "Mandy," Sarah said in a warning tone. I swallowed my pride, remembering my plan to destroy them from inside their coven of preteen cliquishness. I sighed. "What's the outfit?"

I had been transformed into a child prostitute. I was admittedly less scantily clad than BJ, but I was still more or less exposed in a red plaid miniskirt and a white camisole. Yes, a mere camisole. Thank God I barely have breasts. Our first stop after the lavatory of ill repute was the Bath and Body Works. I spent fifteen minutes in cucumber melon scented hell, listening to inane chatter about body glitter and sprays before finally seeing an opening in my own scheme. Mindy had spotted us all in the store, and I could tell she was dismayed to see that I had infiltrated her little group. I turned to face the redheaded she-demon, expecting a temper tantrum. Instead, she smiled very thinly, and greeted me with a hug. Between that and staying inside a Bath and Body Works for an extended period of time, I was definitely going to need a shower when I got home.

"I'm glad you came," she said. "I picked your date myself."

I gritted my teeth, remembering one of the conditions of my infiltration: I would be expected to hold hands and make nice with some juvenile classmate of the male persuasion. A repulsive prospect to say the least.

"We're going to meet the guys in the food court, by the Dippin' Dots stand," Mindy intoned, as if she were declaring a plan of war, not a simple meeting place. She eyed me up and down. "You look...suitable for the occasion," she managed. "But we'll need to see a lot of improvement in the next week if you're going to be presentable enough for my limo."

I wanted to yell that I would rather choke on vomit than ride in Mindy's limo, but I swallowed my words. It would be fun to ride in the limo and see how far it would tip her over the edge. I wordlessly followed the babbling idiots I had apparently befriended to the Dippin' Dots stand. The guys were slouched on the nearest bench. Billy was staring aimlessly at his own reflection in the floor, as usual. Irwin repeatedly tapped on his shoulder, but was failing to catch his attention. Pete didn't even appear to notice us, as he was enraptured by his Game Boy. For some odd reason that I hoped had nothing to do with this set-up, Nergal Jr. was also there, flipping through a Nickelodeon magazine and trying his damnedest to summon up all twelve years of preteen angst he possessed, but instead appeared confused, as if he were Billy trying to read. Jessica was also there, and engaged in an in depth conversation with the fourteen year old male cashier. I guess she realized that Billy would barely notice the difference between casual flirting and flat-out giving someone your number. It was nice to see that she was already planning her next conquest for after whatever minor screw-up would lead to her current relationship's demise. Mindy cleared her throat loudly to declare our arrival.

Nergal Jr. looked up first. BJ waved at him, almost shyly. His eyes almost popped out of his sockets when he saw that BJ was practically naked. "You like my outfit, Nergie," she said, in a voice that was meant to sound like Marilyn Monroe's, but was a closer match for Pete's changing voice. He nodded up and down like a bobblehead. So Nergal Jr. had paired off with BJ. Better her than me.

Sarah sat down in Irwin's lap to get his attention, which worked, albeit by knocking the wind out of him and causing him to have a coughing fit. "Oh, quit being so melodramatic," Sarah shrieked. "You're making it look like I'm fat or something! It's humiliating, Irwin!"

That finally got Billy and Pete to look up. Pete got up and, much to my disbelief, he and Jacey went running towards each other their arms outstretched. Unfortunately, since we aren't in a movie, they ran full speed into each other and fell over. Jacey, being a paragon of intelligence, giggled and said, "Let's try again."

Finally, I turned my attention towards Billy, who was happily being fed Dippin' Dots by Jessica. Disgusting. Jessica looked up from spoon feeding Billy, and nodded to the left. "Here comes your man, Mandy," she said with a grin.

I looked up and saw Sperg plodding towards us. I wrinkled my nose as he stopped in front of me. "So, Mandy, hear you got the hots for me," he said, grinning like an idiot.

I rolled my eyes skyward, trying to think of the best response to give the cretin. But suddenly, I felt my heart leap. You know, I thought. Sperg isn't that bad looking. He was still as blonde and chubby as ever, but was wearing a more flattering t-shirt as opposed to a cropped tank top. He had sparkly blue eyes. Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle.

Wait a minute. Something was definitely going on here. This couldn't just be hormones. Something else was going on. I felt an unnatural tickle rise up from my throat as I giggled and winked like one of the other simpletons. I willed myself to look away from Sperg and my gaze fell upon the only possible source of my sudden inanity. Eris and Mr. Catherine were standing together, canoodling. This was some kind of scheme. A plot set out by my English teacher. I had no idea why he had caused this to happen to me. All I knew was that, now, I had much bigger fish to fry than Mindy & Co.